Death Of A Father, What Resources To Use Next?

[Steve1]

Hi,

I lost my father on 2014 August 28th.

I am far from over it. My father and I had a conflicted relationship my whole life. We both wanted those conflicts to go away. We tried several times in our lives, but didn't get very far. I think because of that his death has hit me hard. He was also my last surviving parent.

I was already in therapy when his death occured. I have also spoken with grief counselors at my local hospice.

I am on a mailing list for group discussions hosted by the local hospice, when they consider me to be ready. About a month or two away.

I would like to go to these discussions. I would also like to begin exploring books on the topic of losing a father with whom one has had a conflicted relationship. My thinking is that I am not the first human being to go through all of this so I stand to learn some very helpful things.

My problem is that the thought of being in a room listening to other people talking about the death of loved ones, or kicking back in the evning reading a book about it makes me feel very anxious.

I think I am still in what is called "stage 1" as far as grief goes.

What I would like to know is what materials and resources am I ready for at this point?

What things should I read, or what should I be looking to do other than trying to get through each day?

Thanks

Steve

[mfh]

Dear Steve, I am so sorry for your loss and I am sorry the relationship with your father was so conflictual. When someone we love dies and there are unresolved conflicts many people not only grieve the loss of the person but also the loss of what could have been or what never was. I am sorry.

You mentioned being in stage 1 of grief. Without going into a long explanation the stage theory of grief is not valid. The person who spoke those words is indeed a hero in the world of grief education (Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) but she never intended the stage theory to apply to those who grieve a loss. We now know that grief is unique to each person. No one that I ever heard of moves through set stages of grief. Each of us has feelings and behaviors that speak of our grief but those feelings and behaviors are in no order, repeat themselves and not everyone experiences all of them. It might be more helpful to just consider what you feel today and tomorrow see how you feel and each day do the same without judgment or attempts to walk through stages. Just be in the pain you feel each day. And that coupled with doing some journaling perhaps, reading as you requested (wise move) and sharing and support will all help you through this pain.

You asked about resources and I think this group is one wise choice. You will learn a great deal here by reading other posts and by going to the Tools forum where you will find many resources. http://www.griefhealing.com/articles-columns-books.htm#Suggestions%20for%20Further%20Reading This is a list you can browse from Marty's site and she may have more specific resource articles for you. She has a gold mine of information and articles. This articlewritten by Marty is a good starting place: http://www.griefhealing.com/articles-columns-books.htm#Suggestions%20for%20Further%20Reading

[kayc]

Hi, I'm sorry for your loss, and also that your relationship didn't go as you'd have hoped. My mom was mentally ill so my siblings and my relationship with her was always challenging at best. She got dementia the last few years of her life and it softened her some because the negative tapes in her head were partially forgotten so she didn't react as strongly. Still, it was hard...I was able to forgive her and accept her for the glimpse of a person she was meant to be, but some of my sisters had a hard time, clear to the end and beyond. I wish all parent/child relationships were the Beaver Family but they aren't...probably few of them are, yet fortunately not everyone has to go through what we did either.

What is it about it that makes you anxious, do you know? Does it stir up all the "stuff" you've encountered with him previously? My hope is that you'll be able to put it to rest and know that you tried and he is at rest now, along with the ensuing problems. You say you've spoken with grief counselors, but have you entered their care and begun to tackle the things that plague you?

I hope Marty of Mary will come here with some links or suggestions that will help you. I just wanted you to know you are not alone in facing grief not only of a parent, but also the way the relationship itself was, and with it all of your dreams that it'd be resolved before his death. My mom was my last parent too.

[MartyT]

Hi again, Steve ~ I just responded to your other post in another thread.

As I've stated in my article on Complicated Grief, "When there are significant problems in a relationship and one of the parties dies, a lot of business is left unfinished, including arguments unresolved, words unspoken, questions unanswered, and love undeclared. The survivor is left hanging in mid-air, unable to complete [his] relationship with the deceased, unable to mourn, and stuck in the pain of [his] grief."

It's good to know that you're already seeing a therapist, and I hope he or she is familiar with the normal grief process, so you will get the information, comfort and support you need and deserve as you come to terms with your father's death. (Bear in mind that grief counseling is a specialty in and of itself, and not every therapist is educated, trained, skilled, and experienced in it.) You say you've spoken with grief counselors at your local hospice, but that may not be enough to meet your needs. I say this only to let you know that there is nothing wrong with knowing what you need and getting the support that matches those needs. (If you needed heart surgery you wouldn't expect an orthopedic surgeon to have the skills of a cardiac specialist!)

In any event, here are some articles with links to some resources that you may find useful:

Grief: Understanding The Process

Complicated Grief: Mourning An Abusive Mother

Mourning An Abusive Relationship: Suggested Resources

[Steve1]

You mentioned being in stage 1 of grief. Without going into a long explanation the stage theory of grief is not valid. The person who spoke those words is indeed a hero in the world of grief education (Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) but she never intended the stage theory to apply to those who grieve a loss.

Hi, yes, the grief counselor I saw told me about that, explaining how MADD made it into a "grief wheel" with quadrants going back and forth from each other. I should have used the word "quadrant" instead of "stage". I understand that it is an organic non-linear process. Wording aside, I think I am still at the begining of it all.

Thanks for the many links, once I calm down a bit more I am going to start coming through them.

Thank You.

[Steve1]

Hi, I'm sorry for your loss, and also that your relationship didn't go as you'd have hoped. My mom was mentally ill so my siblings and my relationship with her was always challenging at best.

I understand, my other came down with MS when I was young. She was very eccentric as a result from that and possibly other things.

What is it about it that makes you anxious, do you know? Does it stir up all the "stuff" you've encountered with him previously?

I think that might be part of it. At his funeral I saw a collage of his pictures his wife had made. It had a picture of him from the 70s. I hadn't seen that image of him since I was a child. He had a horrible temper and was abusive when I was younger. I was scared of him as a child. After seeing that picture, and still, I see that image fade into my mind a lot, I feel the emotions I felt as a child, and I feel guilty. My shrink said that is natural for kids to process abuse like that since their minds aren't fully devleoped. I also felt guilty like I didn't try more than I did. I didn't think I wold get much further.

Part of me didn't believe that though, part of me felt there was always hope for much more, a complete healing and getting the kind of fatherin I never got from him. That hope was always in the back of my mind. With my father's death that died too. My shrink thinks that is a lot of what is driving the strong emotions. I tend to agree.

I also feel guilty that I did try harder and more times. Like somehow I had power I didn't, to say something to cause him to change into a person he wasn't.

I had anxiety issues going on before my father told me he was sick.

I had a deteriorating relationship and stress in my life I wasn't recognizing, let alone processing. Starting in July I began losing sleep. By august I was lose a few nights of sleep a week and that generated a lot of anxiety for me.

At that point my father told me he was sick ( it was a surprise to him too ) and my GF was putting a lot of pressure on me about the relationship. A few days before the funeral she put us on a break which later turned into a full breakup.

Those two things, combine with the exhaustion from the insomnia took its toll on my nerves.

I am only in my 2-3 week of sleeping most of the night ever night.

[Steve1]

Hi again, Steve ~ I just responded to your other post in another thread.

As I've stated in my article on Complicated Grief, "When there are significant problems in a relationship and one of the parties dies, a lot of business is left unfinished, including arguments unresolved, words unspoken, questions unanswered, and love undeclared. The survivor is left hanging in mid-air, unable to complete [his] relationship with the deceased, unable to mourn, and stuck in the pain of [his] grief."

That is the way I feel.

It's good to know that you're already seeing a therapist, and I hope he or she is familiar with the normal grief process, so you will get the information, comfort and support you need and deserve as you come to terms with your father's death. (Bear in mind that grief counseling is a specialty in and of itself, and not every therapist is educated, trained, skilled, and experienced in it.) You say you've spoken with grief counselors at your local hospice, but that may not be enough to meet your needs. I say this only to let you know that there is nothing wrong with knowing what you need and getting the support that matches those needs. (If you needed heart surgery you wouldn't expect an orthopedic surgeon to have the skills of a cardiac specialist!)

I agree with all of this. The grief counselor I had the talk with at the hospice showed me the MADD cycle chart of the components of the grief process. Just knowing what I was going throug was known about and studied, part of a process, has helped me a lot. That is something I wish my shrink would have done for me. I don't think he is very experienced with grief, though he seems to be very good otherwise and I am getting some good stuff out of it.

I don't have enough time away from work to see two people. I saw the grief counselor on Columbus day when I had off and he didn't. Maybe I should try to see him again for another visit on Veterans Day, as I have that off

Thanks much for the articles, I am going to comb through them as I get calmer and calmer and able to think more about these things without feeling anxious.

[kayc]

"part of me felt there was always hope for much more, a complete healing and getting the kind of fatherin I never got from him. That hope was always in the back of my mind. With my father's death that died too. My shrink thinks that is a lot of what is driving the strong emotions. I tend to agree."

I can so relate! My mom was also very abusive and I never got the mothering from her that most give. Even though I knew she wasn't capable of being that to us kids, even though I knew she had a lot of mental issues, when she got dementia and subsequently died, it removed all hope, so then you're mourning the person they never got to be. I try to look at it though as a fresh start for her, that she is finally out of her internal pain and free from all that plagued her, and when at last I meet her again, she will be the person she was created to be, not the sometimes monster that I knew.

I'm glad you're getting therapy, that can be a real help in understanding it all and moving through it so that it doesn't stunt you and your life. I understand the anxiety too as I've had it all my life. About 2/3 of my family has it.