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Four weeks ago yesterday, my life forever changed, as I lost my rock, my foundation, my companion, my best friend and the love of my life. I was close to retiring, so we could travel and enjoy the remaining days of our lives. Now my entire world is upside down and I have no plans for the future. My heart is shredded and my bathtub is filled with crocodile tears. I miss him so much. I cry almost constantly, not able to function very well. I couldn't even pick out a casket for him nor a grave plot for us both. I can't even pick up a pair of his shoes, placed carefully under the bar in the kitchen, before he had to be hospitalized. I have shut his side of the closet, so I won't cry just looking at his clothes. We were so very close, we were ONE. We could finish one another's sentences and answer each other's questions before we were asked. We did everything together, except when I was at work. He was already retired and would call me at work, just to tell me he loved me. I still look at the phone every time it rings to see if his name is on the caller ID, then I realize it wouldn't be. Most of my family and friends have stopped coming around and calling and I am all alone in my grief for most of the time. I am sure they grew tired of having me cry at the drop of a hat, even when we were discussing something else. I printed a fresh picture of my precious love for my desk at work, but every time I look at it, I break out into tears. This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to face alone. I have lost both a mother and father, grandparents and other close relatives, but NOTHING comes remotely close to the feelings I am having now. I have panic attacks in the middle of the night, waking up and being scared to death, but not knowing why, just a feeling of foreboding that something bad is about to happen and I am powerless to stop it. I don't sleep well, I don't eat well and I absolutely ache with grief. I can't imagine the rest of my life without my love, especially if is going to be like this.

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Dear bluelady,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I understand when you say, I have lost both a mother and father, grandparents and other close relatives, but NOTHING comes remotely close to the feelings I am having now.” That is how it is when we lose our soul mates. You are so raw in your grief right now. It is understandable that you are having difficulty focusing.

Do you have someone who can be with you as you make some of the decisions that need to be taken care of ~ there will be paper work that may not be able to wait. All other things can wait. Personal belongings can be taken care of when you are ready.

Have you asked about someone being available to you for grief counseling ~ a good grief counselor understands what you are going through and can help you during this time.

Right now, you have to take care of yourself. It is important to eat well, drink plenty of water and get out and walk.

You will not feel this way all the time but right now you are allowing your pain to just be and that is good. There is nothing wrong with crying. If you are having real panic attacks it would be good for you to see your Primary Doctor just for a check up.

This site you have found is full of caring people and of people who know about spousal loss. Take time to read some of the threads under Spousal Loss. You are not alone here.

Anne

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Bluelady:

Its been almost 4 weeks for me as well, and it is overwhelming. All I can say is to take it an hour at a time. I don't even say a day at a time. Having someone to talk to has been the biggest help for me. Someone who will talk, listen, cry or just sit with me. Even if that someone is on the other end of the laptop screen. I too cannot move shoes... or even make up his side of the bed...Because I need those things. And you know what, that's okay. Don't push yourself. Take care of what absolutely has to be done, forget the rest. Your focus right now has to be on taking care of you. Just getting through this is all you can accomplish. Going back to work has been extremely difficult for me as well. Like you, we exchanged texts and calls through out the day. What I've found is that letting myself cry helps. I give myself "permission" to cry. If I have to go to the bathroom and cry.... I will. When I'm home, I cry when I need to, which seems to be most of the time.... but it helps. I'm considering a grief counselor in my area, because as you said - this is the hardest thing and your whole world has changed. There are a lot of threads here that help by showing you that you're not alone, you're not crazy and you CAN get through this.

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Hi Bluelady:

I am so incredibly sorry to hear about your loss....you sound so devistated as you would of course be. It breaks my heart to hear how you feel so alone. After friends and family leave, it is really raw and harsh. I do not mean to sound discouraging in any way, but it has been six months for me and I am having a really hard time. It is different than it was though....please be patient with yourself and as kind as you can possibly be to yourself.

Please know that you can get through this. I find that crying my eyes out does help and people have to learn to live with it if they are going to be around me.

Writing does help as well and coming to this site certainly helps. I agree, you can do this... We are all here for you. I am so, so sorry....

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Dear bluelady,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know how overwhelming and devastating it is to lose a beloved spouse having lost my Bill 4 years ago. We, like you, were one and did everything together...even worked together both of us doing therapy. Believe it or not, we somehow learn to live with the hole in our hearts. I did not believe that early on but four years has proved to me that I will make it. Crying helps a lot. It releases the feelings for one thing. I always feel better after a good cry.

You mentioned seeking out a grief counselor and I totally support that. I saw one for several months and it was my personal place to talk or cry or vent having one person's attention. I also urge you to do some reading because we were all raised in a society that is death phobic and disallows normal grief by urging people to move on, abandoning them often and leaving them alone. Here you will not be alone. Do read posts, the articles string and recommended books you see listed here and there.

the bottom has fallen out of your life just when you were prepared to start a new chapter exploring the earth. Here too. I do know that pain. When you feel like it you are welcome to share more about the two of you including photos, family etc. Just know you are surrounded by supportive people who understand loss and will not judge you.

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bluelady,

I am so sorry you lost your husband, I think that's one of the hardest things we can face in life. You have plenty of company here. I hope you will find a grief counselor to help you through this, it's hard to think right now and they can help point you the way. There's no need to take care of his belongings right now, all that can wait. If he has shoes laying around, leave them where they are if that brings you comfort, whatever makes YOU feel better, not what anyone else thinks you "should" do.

Was your husband's death unexpected, sudden? How long was he in the hospital? I hope you'll tell us a little about him, when you are ready.

Have you already had a memorial service or funeral then?

I hope you'll continue coming back here, this place feels like sacred ground to me, it's been such a life saver, and the people here are the best...it's a safe place loaded with understanding and compassion.

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Thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement and sorrow. Someone asked me write about Jim, so here goes.

Jim was 79 years young. He was hospitalized on July 26th with what we thought was a pinched nerve. Turns out he had an infection attached to his kidney and spine, which had heretofore been confined to an open wound in his groin area that would not heal. Jim had 5 aneurysms repaired in December 2012. His doctor feared the grafts were now infected. As it turned out, they were infected and Jim had to have all those grafts and his aorta removed and his blood supply had to be rerouted to his legs via under his arm and down to his groin and legs. This was a MAJOR vascular surgery, which the doctor was not happy about having to do. However, before they could operate, the infection was found to have spread to his heart and had formed a vegetation on his heart valve, which would require open heart surgery to replace the damaged valve, as well. Jim had the vascular surgery on July 30th. The doctors were hoping to get 6 weeks between the two surgeries for Jim to get his strength back, before having to do the cardio surgery, but the valve began to deteriorate rapidly and open heart surgery was done on August 22nd. He appeared to be getting better and doing well, when a urinary tract infection was found and a flush was done by his doctor. A few hours later, Jim began to having breathing difficulties, went into A-fib and had be moved to the coronary care unit. A few days later, he was placed on a ventilator, with promises to me that it was strictly a temporary condition and that he would be off of it in a few days. He never came off the ventilator, his once strong heart weakened and they told me on September 28th that there was nothing more they could do for him and that he was not going to survive, since his heart was getting weaker every day. He passed away on October 2nd. He was hospitalized for 68 days. For many of those days I was either sleeping on a cot in his room or staying in a guest room at the hospital, not wanting to be far away from him. I was unable to stay with him in the CCU, as the room (or unit) was very small and it was simply not allowed. I was with him, holding his hand and expressing my love to him when he took his last breath. This was the worst thing I have ever had to do, at least I thought it was. Now I find that "recovering" from my grief is equally as hard.

Jim was born and raised in New Zealand and was loved by everyone who knew him, both there and here. Most people said he was a true Southern Gentleman, which I must concur. He would thank the lab, when they came to stick him for blood four times, before having to get someone else to try. He was a favorite of many of the nurses in the hospital, as he never met a stranger and loved talking to everyone. He was a gentle man, not wanting to hurt a single living creature. He had five kids, a daughter in Northern Ireland, a son in Australia, a son in New Zealand, a son in Seattle and a daughter in Anchorage. He and I had no children together, were married for 15 wonderful years and were closer than two people should have a right to be. This grieving thing is something I have never encountered before on such a stressful, depressing level. I cry constantly and feel so alone without my precious Jim. Life hasn't much meaning for me now, since all of my dreams that I shared with Jim and we looked forward to doing, have been shattered and I have no idea what my life might look like in six months nor six years. I just hope one day soon I will be able to look lovingly at a photo of Jim, without bursting into tears or walk past his shoes still on the floor under the bar in the kitchen without crying. This is SO hard!!

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Bluelady,

I am so sorry for your loss. Your Jim sounds like a wonderful man and you were truly blessed to have had him in your life. I too lost my beloved husband just over six weeks ago. I hear and feel your pain. I cry every day too. I don't know where I get the strength to keep going but I do. My husband was my rock and my strength. I get a lot of comfort when I visit here so I know that is helping me through. Just hearing others express the same things I am going through and knowing they are making it along helps me believe I will be okay. I slept only two hours last night. The hurt is crushing. They say it will get better. They have been down this same path so they know. I wish you peace and comfort. Be patient with yourself and your grief. Always come here for someone to listen and lean on. It is a great help..

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Thank you for sharing with us...it helps us know who the person is you are talking about. I love the picture, you can see what sort of man he is in it, gentle eyes and smile. Bluelady and Shalady, I know this is hard...it will get better but expect it to take a while. Keep taking the best care you can of yourself and give yourself all of the love your husband would. I hope you can get some more sleep, Shalady! I know how hard that is. The first night George died my daughter slept with me...I slept one hour. It was a month before I could bring myself to wash the sheets he'd slept in, and then I bawled. Every little loss (like washing the sheets) is a huge one to get through but we do get through it. I think this is part of our working through our grief.

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Thank you lacy for your help. I was the same way with the sheets. Every time I need to move something of his that he left, I cry doing so. It is almost like I am removing a part of him from my life. Jim was the most gentle soul I have ever known. He treated me like a princess and I treated him like a king. He was my total and only focus for the last few months of his life, due to his declining health. Now I have no focus, nothing special to even get up for each day. I am forcing myself to muddle through each day, when all I want is to sob my eyes out. The grief and depression are unbearable.

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I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved husband, he looks like a gentle soul. It is a grief unlike no other when you lose your spouse or partner. Your daily living and routine gets turned upside down. I lost my Larry coming on 9 years this month, at the age of 49, the day before his birthday. I have struggled tremendously. I've not done a very good job with the grieving. I was so angry at the doctors and that I had finally found the "one" I was to spend my life with. You have to take it day by day. If I was to give you one piece of advice, it would be to take care of yourself. Resting, eating even when you don't feel like it, try hard not to push yourself to much right now. I wore myself down physically and it made it all worse. You will find friends here who understand. Deborah

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Deborah,

I do try to take care of myself, but sometimes, I feel it simply isn't worth the effort. I did get in the kitchen over the weekend and make a large casserole for me to eat during the week. It was so big I had to freeze half of for next week. It is so hard for me to cook for one, but I have a couple of health issues, which require me to be on specialized diet, and preparing my own food has become necessary for my survival. Eating out is rare, especially alone, but was quite frequent before my Jim passed away. He always enjoyed eating out. Since I was all alone for the weekend, I did get a good bit of rest, but not much sleep. I find sleep hard to come by. I am usually awake several times during the night for various durations. I usually get up around 4:30am, since I try to get to work around 6:30am, but I seldom roll over to go to sleep before 10:30pm. Sleeping alone is one of my worst nightmares coming true. I miss my Jim more at night than at any other time.

I never expected grief to be this hard. Thank you for helping me get through this most difficult time of my life.

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Bluelady,

What kind of work do you do? Are you able to focus on your work properly, esp. with less sleep? I found it hard at first, esp. since I had a job that required perfection (military airplane parts requiring certifications). I understand your feelings about the sleeping alone...I sleep in a recliner so I don't have to face the empty bed.

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Bluelady, so sorry you have had to join us here on this forum. Your Jim sounds like he was a wonderful man. We are all here, missing our wonderful partners, and wishing we did not have to be on this journey. You are in very early days, and I totally understand the crying all the time. The first year, especially, I would just suddenly find tears running down my face, not even knowing I was crying. It will be 5 years in January since Mike died of a massive coronary at age 62. We also had plans to retire and do things together, and I have spent the last few years learning to make plans for one. I retired about 16 months after his death. I hope you keep coming here, I have been here since April, 2010, and it has been a lifesaver for me. Lots of good advice and links from Marty and Mary, and others on this site, but most of all, warm hearts and willing ears to be there for you any time needed. Take care of your self.

QMary

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KAYC,

I do accounting for a small industrial HVAC design & engineering company, mostly for the power plant sector. So far, so good. I haven't made any major blunders, but have found a few minor ones. Sometimes, my mind wanders to the things my Jim and I had planned for the upcoming months. Now I will be spending the holidays mostly alone. Right now, work is my friend, in that it keeps me occupied during the day. If I had a recliner, I would most likely sleep in it, as well.

QMARY,

I am not sure I will ever be up to traveling alone. My dreams of having my beloved by my side is no longer an option. The places we wanted to see, the things we wanted to do, are all moot now. My interest no longer exists for traveling, at least alone. I simply can't imagine that I would enjoy doing it by myself.

Thank you both for your inspiration and for the hope you give me that I will one day work past this awful time.

Linda

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Some do go on to travel alone. I haven't camped since George died, it just wouldn't be the same. Everything is different when shared vs. alone.

I loved my job too but it ended shortly after George died; whereas work was my friend, it ceased to be when my job changed. I'm glad you have something to occupy your time. I don't know how people handle it that lose their spouse after they're retired.

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