Wildflower Posted November 2, 2014 Report Share Posted November 2, 2014 My Mom passed about 11 months ago after a long illness with breast cancer. My Dad starting dated 10 days after she died. I am trying to be supportive and am pleased he seems to be thriving as I know we all have to move forward. I live in another country so the problem seemed kind of far away and I didn't have to really be part of it. My 3 brothers live in his town and have quite a hard time with it. But then the problem came closer to me. He was out to visit us a few months ago and met a woman here much younger than himself. They now have a close online relationship. I know it's not my business, but now he is talking about wanting to come and visit again. He is not saying directly that he wants to see her, but he is saying this to her as she tells us this. So I feel that if he does come, we would be the "guise" so to speak which makes me feel under valued. I love him, but he is very difficult to talk directly to as he has narcissistic qualities. I am wondering how to tell him how I feel. I just don't think I could cope with him pursuing a relationship under my roof if he comes to visit. I have not yet reconciled my Moms death, am still healing and have too much to deal with in my own personal life. I wondered about encouraging him to meet her somewhere else neutral instead? Anyone else been in this situation? Help! Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 2, 2014 Report Share Posted November 2, 2014 In your other thread I posted a link about guilt in grief, which I hope you'll read and find helpful. To be quite honest, I think I would feel the same as you if I were in your shoes. I understand that everyone handles loss differently. I lost my husband nine years ago and I remember that first summer (he died June 19) I felt frantic, alone, scared, etc. I was out of my mind with grief, I needed someone to listen and care, but everyone disappeared. It could be that your dad is pushing aside his grief feelings by dating and having fun. It could be also that he's looking for validation. I don't know how long your mom was ill before she passed, but he may feel his time started back then, waiting, so that it seemed much more than ten days to him when he started dating. It is okay for you to ask him to stay elsewhere when he comes to see her. Just as it helps you to understand what he's going through, it'd help if HE would understand what YOU are going through also. And if the two of you can't understand, you certainly have every right to do what you feel you need to do for YOUR own peace of mind. It doesn't sound like you're trying to tell him what he should/shouldn't be feeling or doing, but rather that you don't want it to infiltrate your world. If something comes of it on down the road, that will be time enough for you to have to deal with it. My dear sweet MIL had breast cancer. Over five years later she got liver and bone cancer, causing her bones to fail, which caused her to fall. She couldn't stand and of course, it wouldn't repair...she was bedridden nearly three years before she died, and I was her caregiver. During this time, my FIL "couldn't cope". One month after she passed, he declared to me that he was "in love" with a lady. I felt it was way too soon being as he'd been married to my MIL for 40 years, and it was hard to listen to and watch. I know he had every "right" to date, he was single, but it seemed out of respect for Mom that he could wait until she was cold and stiff in her grave! You know what I mean. Anyway, we had to put up with it, although I'll have to admit, we felt resistant inside. Eventually this lady became like part of our family and was a very dear lady. She didn't want to get married but she was his best friend/companion up until he died years later, both of them still maintaining their own homes. She did not know he "loved" her until after he died when I told her. I was stunned when she told me he never told her. He'd told me one month after Mom passed! I guess he knew she didn't want that so he didn't declare himself to her. I still visit this lady, the whole family does, we include her in weddings, etc. She sat with the family at Dad's funeral, at our insistence. I still feel bad that he started up with her so soon, it didn't seem respectful to Mom, but we couldn't fault him for the way he felt, it just was what it was. But I wouldn't have wanted to be around to watch him drooling all over her and (in my opinion) making a fool of himself over her when Mom had just passed. We allowed at least a couple of years before we let her come into our home with him. I don't know if that helps you or not, and I'm not saying we handled it right or wrong, just what I went through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted November 2, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2014 Thanks for your words of comfort Kay. I been feeling a bit crazy and confused! Wanted to get my mind clear before talking to my father and this is a great help. I appreciate your reply to my previous post as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 2, 2014 Report Share Posted November 2, 2014 Again, I agree with everything Kay has said to you (well done, dear Kay ) I'd also invite you to read this article, as I think you may find it relevant and helpful: Remarriage in Widowhood: How Soon Is Too Soon? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 2, 2014 Report Share Posted November 2, 2014 Very good article, Marty. I feel my remarrying 1 1/2 years after George passed had more to do with how frantic I was feeling, alone, scared, etc. and less to do with who I was marrying. That he turned out to be a con man is another matter that those who are grieving need to be aware of and cautious of...the fact is, when we lose our spouse, we are extremely vulnerable! Unfortunately, there are those who are very good at preying upon us. It would be so much easier to pick up on the red flags and signs if our brains were clear, yet in the early stages of grief, we are anything but clear! Our brains are a mess, it's hard to focus, our emotions are rampant, it's hard to think or make clear decisions. Yet it's hard to tell someone anything, they think they know what they want. I think it's good advice for people to wait and date when they've had time to adjust to being alone, being on their own. It's too easy to get together with someone for the wrong reasons. It's too easy to make a mistake. There's all the time in the world for that later when you've had time to process your grief, adjust, and know what you want. It takes more time than you can imagine to get there. I know you can't tell your dad what to do, it's up to him, but I don't think there's anything wrong about pointing some of these things out to him...and then letting it go as he alone will decide what to do with it. I'd withhold judgment though and let him know you love him regardless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted November 2, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2014 Thank you. Good advice. The article was good I agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted November 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2014 So I started the dialogue with my Dad about his dating. I began by saying I am still going through the healing process and grieving for my Mom, and while I was pleased that he was thriving and pursuing new relationships with other women, I am still having a hard time accepting these relationships.. I told him it would be best that if he was coming to stay/visit with us, that he pursue his relationship with a woman in our town elsewhere as I can't deal with that infiltrating my world at this time. I am just not ready for it. He replied by acting like I was in some major crisis and needing to be rescued. So he kind of flipped the problem away from what I was trying to tell him. He offered to fly me back home which is very nice, but not what I am looking for. I replied by saying "thank you, but I am getting good support where I am, and all I want is for you to understand my feelings" I guess my Moms passing has exposed some cracks in our relationship. I would always communicate through my Mom to him as he is difficult. He likes to bark orders and still thinks I'm his little girl, even though I'm a grown woman of 46! So I am trying to remain calm, and stand my ground In a respectful way. I am trying to understand what he is going through as it can't be easy losing a spouse. I do feel much better after expressing my feelings to him a bit, but just wish he would acknowledge what I am feeling. Maybe that's too much to ask. I do hope to one day be able to accept him dating/marrying another woman. He just seems so confused right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 4, 2014 Report Share Posted November 4, 2014 Good for you! It can be very difficult to speak to a parent the way you did ~ because it's so easy for both of you to slip back into the roles you've known all your life: you as the child, your dad as the parent. But you stayed in your adult state and continued to speak to your dad as a fellow adult, regardless of his trying hard to force you back into that dependent child role. Instead of a parent to child interaction, you kept it as an adult to adult one, and your dad had no choice but to respond to you accordingly. Well done, my dear! As you say, expecting your dad to acknowledge what you're feeling about all of this may be too much to ask right now ~ and that is beyond your control anyway, since you cannot make him do anything. What matters is that YOU are acknowledging and coming to a better understanding of what you are feeling and why. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted November 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2014 Thank you so much for your support. It is really helping to keep me clear headed. Much appreciated! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 4, 2014 Report Share Posted November 4, 2014 I am so proud of you! It's very hard to speak your mind to your parent, particularly one that still chooses to see you as a child. You did it though, and whether he wants to acknowledge it or not is secondary. Hold your ground! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted November 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2014 Thank you guys for your wonderful support. You don't know what it means to me! It is keeping me sane! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 4, 2014 Report Share Posted November 4, 2014 ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted November 8, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 8, 2014 Sorry to bug you again! But now it seems my father does not want to talk to me directly, and has asked one of my brothers to get involved as he says he is having difficulty interpreting what I am saying to him. I thought I expressed my feelings very clearly and respectfully to him. I really don't feel I need to rehash it and don't want my brothers to get involved as it's not not fair to put them in that position. I feel bad my Dad may be upset about what I expressed, but don't feel I should apologize. Think his narcissistic tendencies are coming out. My brother emailed to say Dad is in quite a state. Should I just take a step back and hope things settle a bit? I just worry he is upsetting all my brothers now when they are also still grieving. Help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 8, 2014 Report Share Posted November 8, 2014 My dear, I think your post contains all the answers you need: You've expressed your thoughts very clearly and respectfully to your father. You don't feel the need to rehash it. You don't want your brothers to get involved as it's not fair to them. Although your dad may be upset, you don't feel the need to apologize. Yes, your brothers are still grieving (as are you), but it is your father who is upsetting them, not you. As you say, perhaps the best approach is to step back and let things settle a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted November 8, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 8, 2014 Hi Marty, I went over our posts again last night, and realized that I did know what to do. I appreciate you helping me keep perspective and sanity. I am standing my ground but reassuring him that I love him. I little time out will help. And a lot of deep breathing! Thank you once again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 8, 2014 Report Share Posted November 8, 2014 ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 8, 2014 Report Share Posted November 8, 2014 I agree 100% with everything Marty stated and would have wrote the same thing but she beat me to it! I'd step back, give him a little time, maybe things will sort out as emotions die down a bit. You were clear, he just didn't like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted November 8, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 8, 2014 Thanks so much for the support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted November 9, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2014 Just to let you know, my father just called and really lambasted me, saying nobody has ever upset him so much etc. He followed up with an equally upsetting email just to really squash me....Textbook narcissism. Anyway, thanks to you guys and to my very supportive husband, I kept calm, did not apologize, let him vent, and reassured him I still loved him. Strangely, I feel like a whole new person now. It is the first time in 46 years that I have ever stood up to him! Maybe I am finally finding my voice. I could not have remained calm and stood up to him if I did not have the support of you and this website. Cannot thank you enough. I was in a bit of a crisis, and this pulled me through it. I know there is still a lot for me to work through, but I feel I'm in a much better place now. I have been getting little signs from my beloved Mom to....May she rest in peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 9, 2014 Report Share Posted November 9, 2014 Dear one, you said, It is the first time in 46 years that I have ever stood up to him! If you put yourself in your dad's shoes, it's easy to see why he's finding this "new you" so threatening. This is a very different side of you that he's not familiar with and he's just not sure how to react. But the fact is that, while you are still his daughter and he certainly deserves to be treated with respect, you are an adult and you are entitled to your own opinions ~ and you have every right to express your opinions to him (in a respectful manner), even if and when you disagree with him. Think of it as deliberately and intentionally staying in your Adult Ego State (a concept we owe to Transactional Analysis) whenever you interact with your father, rather than your being in an Obedient Child Ego State responding to his Critical Parent Ego State ~ which is probably how you two have interacted in the past. Good for you ~ and I hope you are as proud of yourself as we are! ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 9, 2014 Report Share Posted November 9, 2014 You know, that is exactly how liberating I felt in dealing with my mother after reading Toxic Parents and Emotional Blackmail. They helped me see what was going on and stop the power control she'd always employed. She was literally floundering when it was called to a halt and I assumed my own power. My siblings got copies of the same books at the same time, she must have been very confused when nothing was working anymore! But it taught her to interact with us in a different way and/or her old ways wouldn't work. We can't change them, only our responses...what WE allow! I am so very proud of you!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted November 9, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2014 Thanks so much Marty and Kay. The article was very helpful Marty, and I will look into the book you mentioned above Kay. It sounds appropriate to my situation. I am going to try my best to communicate adult to adult to him, but he can be very manipulative and demeaning. As a result as kids we would channel most of our communication to him through my Mom. We were very fearful of upsetting him and causing an outburst which is what is going on with him now. He threatened me not to involve my brothers when he called me today, even though he was the one who tried to get one of them involved a few days ago. I might have to get more professional help to learn how to deal with him and communicate effectively. At least I have made a big step in the right direction with your help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 9, 2014 Report Share Posted November 9, 2014 It was actually two books, and they were very helpful. If you want to message me your address, I'll mail them to you, I don't need them any more, both my parents are gone now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted November 10, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2014 Thanks Kay. Is there a way to post my address privately? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 10, 2014 Report Share Posted November 10, 2014 Yes, through messaging. You can click on my picture and it will take you to me and then look for the messaging. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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