Wildflower Posted November 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 I have been doing a lot of reading/researching. A lot of what I read has always been in my gut I am realizing. I think since childhood I was immersed in my Dad's FOG. I knew something was wrong but couldn't see it clearly. Throughout my life It has now become clear that my Mom was always there to protect me from his verbal abuse. She encouraged me to move to the States in my early twenties. I always wondered about that. It's a very long way from where I grew up. Now I think she did it for my best interest. It was the best gift she ever gave me. It allowed me to grow strong and independent without my Dad's influence. Since she passed a year ago the true nature of my relationship with my Dad has shown itself. I am now strong enough to stand up to him without her, but still have a lot from the past to accept. It will take time to find peace with it, but there is a lot of support available. This website opened the door for me. Thank you. Thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 25, 2014 Report Share Posted November 25, 2014 Wildflower, I'm so glad for you. One thing that reading those books and learning how to deal with my mom did for me was it helped release me from her toxins...it made it possible to forgive her, understand that she had problems that had nothing to do with me, they were her own, and she wasn't likely able to ever shed or deal with her problems...it helped me accept her as she was and love her in spite of everything...it helped me have peace with her before she died. Establishing and adhering to boundaries was one of the most important things I learned. I'm sorry for anyone having to go through this, it isn't easy, but I do know there is a way to deal with it, because I've been there. Good luck to you! Remember when he rants to let it go. A friend once told me (of my mom) to let it go like a waterfall coming down, going out to the river...to the ocean...let it go. It helped me visualize that as she was going on...it might help you to try that too. Rather than respond, let it go...sometimes in the books I think they assume you can reason with the person, but in my case, that wasn't possible because she lacked that ability. I couldn't change her, just learn how to deal with her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted November 25, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2014 Thanks Kay. I like the waterfall image. I will use that as it does become very hard to even be able to get a word or to in when he is on a rampage. I think I have some good tools to use now to help "deflate" the interaction if needed, and be able to stand my ground at the same time. Appreciate all the support! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted November 26, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2014 So, I find my emotions have been swinging a lot this week. I go from anger about my past/flashbacks, to acute bouts of grief, to feeling heartbroken that my Dad has said he is so upset with me. I worry he is going to have a heart attack or something (and then blame me!). I know I have to stand my ground and not give in to him. I guess it is going to take time and practice. I am a methodical and goal oriented person and want everything sorted out! I can also be obsessive, so am trying not to let this issue with my Dad take over my life! I find that I cry out to my Mom in heaven for help, but the reality is that she is no longer here to stand up to my Dad for me. It is a hard fact to face up to. I can usually "feel" her and see little signs of her. But I haven't felt much from her this week. I worry that I have somehow upset her in heaven as my Dad is upset. I know this is probably irrational. What might be happening is that she is giving me space to sort out this issue with my Dad on my own. I am sure it was very difficult for her to be stuck in the middle. But she never liked to see him upset, which is probably why I feel guilty. I am trying to take walks, meditate, take warm baths, and should probably exercise more to help calm down and give this time...I have decided just to keep respectful, but minimum communication with my Dad at this point in order to cope. We do have the Atlantic Ocean between us so it's not like I have to see him every day! Once again, I so appreciate being able to vent like this. I'm not going mad am I?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 26, 2014 Report Share Posted November 26, 2014 Whatever happens, do NOT hold yourself responsible. He is responsible for himself, you are responsible for you, period. Your mom may not be here as a "go between" with your dad, but she is here encouraging you and I think she's proud of you! My parents were so dysfunctional, my dad took my mom's side regardless of how abusive she was, but then, he was usually drunk. At least you had one that was normal and caring! I wish she could have protected you more. It's a hard place to be in. It helps to go on faith when you don't "feel" her there...really, it's about what we KNOW to be true about them and our relationship, not what we feel, because feelings fluctuate and are unreliable. I am so glad you are taking care of yourself, it sounds like you're doing what you need to do. I also learned with my mom (she was my more difficult one) that if I gave her too much time, she'd just be more abusive, also I had to guard myself by only allowing the time I could handle with her. It was like walking a tightrope! Trying to find the perfect balance. No, you aren't going mad, this is a huge undertaking/adjustment, and you're bound to feel all kinds of emotion going on inside of you. It will calm down and you'll begin to feel more in charge and that will be very releasing for you. Your dad will most likely pull out all artillery as he begins to feel you slip from the clutches of his control...but eventually he will shrink back as he begins to realize it doesn't work. Then you will be able to have a more tolerable/respectful relationship. I don't look for it to ever be peachy keen, when people are super dysfunctional and in denial, they aren't likely to change to the degree they need to. Hang in there, this is about YOU, not him...it's about YOU finding the balance, being in charge of yourself, and being able to establish and keep boundaries for your own peace of mind. One thing I've observed is that we often think of one parent as "the good parent" and one as "the bad parent", but in reality, if one parent abused us, whether emotionally or physically or verbally (and all three cross over), the other parent also failed us when they failed to protect us from the other one. I always thought of my dad as "the good one", it wasn't until my 40s I realized he failed me miserably by not stepping in and protecting me from my mom...and others. He'd look the other way. He hated conflict, so he absolved himself from what was going on. I found this true with my husband's parents too...he'd always considered his mom "the good parent", but in his 40s he realized his mom had failed to protect him from others in the family, and she'd also failed him. That doesn't mean his mom or my dad didn't love us, but just that they had room to improve in their parenting...that's actually pretty common. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted November 29, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2014 Thanks Kay. I really appreciate your support, and keeping me from losing perspective. Right now I cannot really talk to my brothers. My father has made that difficult. Plus I don't think it's fair to involve them, although at some point I feel I should tell them briefly that my relationship with our father is no longer what it used to be. They know what he is like but they live close to him and probably prefer status quo to upset right now. I guess the priority is to sort myself out first. My support right now is coming from my family and friends here, and this website. I am considering some one to one counseling. The woman I have been referred to has a hospice counseling background which Is good, and does relationship counseling. I don't want to get too mired down in the past, yet I feel that I need it validated. I keep doubting myself, I think because my Dad has made me feel so guilty. I will stand strong though. I am determined. But it isn't that easy! I am learning a lot and will grow as a person. This whole experience has been quite an awakening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 29, 2014 Report Share Posted November 29, 2014 I have found that to be true! It couldn't hurt to see a counselor, it helps to have someone validate you and point out things, help you along the way. Stay strong and know you're being true to yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted November 29, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2014 Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted January 6, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 6, 2015 Hi there. Time to check in again. I feel better already just coming here. So as you mentioned Kay, my Dad might bring out all his artillery, and that does seem to be happening. I have not said anything to my brothers. 2 of them just spent time away with him during the holidays, and now don't seem to be responding to any of my emails-just general ones like "Happy New Year." I have the feeling he has been drumming up sympathy and using me as the scapegoat. Oh well. The third brother actually has good insight into my Dad, and "throws me a dime" every now and again, but lives right below my Dad and is financially dependent on him. I feel like I am grieving in many ways-over the loss of my Mom, the loss of my Dad as it seems I really didn't have a natural loving relationship with him, and now possibly the loss of my siblings, as I am to becoming more isolated from them. I am keeping a low contact relationship with my Dad. I seem to fall into the trap of getting Hoovered back in, and then try to back pedal out which is confusing. So decided to give 24 hr at least before responding to his emails. My husband helps by being intermediary if necessary. I am hanging in there....! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 6, 2015 Report Share Posted January 6, 2015 I think it's a wise idea to give yourself 24 hours to respond. Sometimes with grief there are secondary losses, I just wish you didn't have so many! Perhaps your brothers will come around with time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted January 6, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 6, 2015 Thanks Kay. Yes, my brothers will come around eventually I think. They are all in such close proximity to my Dad which makes it harder for them. I am in a different country, so have a built in buffer! (which helps). I will try to reach out to my brothers some time even though it seems my Dad doesn't want us communicating directly with each other. Think he wants to control the communication. I'm a grown woman though and can ultimately talk to whoever I want to right, no matter what he thinks!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 7, 2015 Report Share Posted January 7, 2015 No way should your dad be controlling when you and your siblings talk to each other! Wow! I've recommended it before and will again, two books to help you with a parent like this: Emotional Blackmail Toxic Parents Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted January 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 7, 2015 Thanks Kay. Yes, I am reading them thanks to you and they are very helpful. I also appreciate your mentioning secondary losses with grief which I had not really considered. I found an article on this website about that topic which is very helpful. You also mentioned in previous post about loving part of your own Mom. I am trying to focus on the good parts of my father. I really feel he has full on narcisstic personality disorder. So am proceeding with caution, but determined to stay true to myself now that my eyes have been opened. Your support is so appreciated! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 7, 2015 Report Share Posted January 7, 2015 My mom was Narcissistic also, among other personality disorders. In their world, it's all about them, everything is in correlation to them, other points of view are really tough for them. It helped me to realize my mom was like disabled with her conditions and very limited with perspective and ability to change. It was up to me to set my own boundaries and stick to them, whether she understood or agreed or not (mostly not). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted January 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 7, 2015 I can totally apply your words to my Dad. This is so helpful. You really understand what it's like. You and this website have given me courage to now reach out to my brothers. I can do it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 8, 2015 Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 Your brothers may or may not be receptive, depending on how astute they are and how much your dad has gotten away with pitting one sibling against another in your life. I was fortunate in that my sisters and I all saw the same things in my mom. My brother and sister-in-law did not, for the most part, but then my mom treated my brother differently because he was a boy. If your brothers do not respond well to you, just remember, it's not your fault and only they can change themselves and their situation...you just keep on being true to yourself and it'll all work out somehow or another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted January 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 Thanks Kay. It will be interesting to see how things pan out. My mother told my brothers and I when we were very young to always remember that our Dad was "very hard on the outside but very soft on the inside". The incident with my father-that triggered a lot of my posts on this website-brought her words back to me. They had been buried deep inside me somewhere. I really know what she meant now and have finally accepted it. It seems his exterior is concealing somebody who is very fragile and insecure inside. So when I reach out to my brothers, I am going to refer to those words of my mother. I am not going to tell them what to do. Luckily they are all pretty astute. I think their experiences are a bit different to mine as I am the only daughter. In the end no matter what happens, I agree that I have to be true to myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted January 11, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 11, 2015 I decided the situation with my dad is still a bit volatile right now. My brothers are all pretty astute and am sure will have their own "light bulb moment" at some point. I don't want to inflame things right now, so am going to wait until the timing feels better before reaching out to them. Let things run their natural course for bit... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 12, 2015 Report Share Posted January 12, 2015 Sounds wise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted January 18, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Hi again! I am feeling so isolated. I don't know what I would do without this website. It seems my Dad is using triangulation tactics. I am not getting any communication from my brothers. I think my Dad has ordered a no contact policy! Boy oh boy! They know that I expressed a feeling to my Dad in a respectful way about his dating after my Mom died, but they don't know about his reaction to that and how inappropriate it was. I have a feeling he has really twisted things around, and is now trying to turn them against me. If this is what he is doing, it seems very cruel. I have deliberately not wanted to involve my brothers, so as not to put them in a difficult position, but it seems he has involved them, and now they may only be seeing things from his perspective. I am trying to stay positive. I don't want things to get ugly. I know have acted with integrity. Hopefully my brothers will "see the light" sometime. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 19, 2015 Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 You might want to continue to reach out to your brothers by sending them birthday cards, calling once in a while, etc. If you feel it best to address your dad to them in order to clear the air at some point, I wouldn't think it out of line, but I wouldn't broach that unless I felt they'd be receptive hearers...if you suspect they wouldn't it wouldn't do much good. I'm sorry he's done this to you. It's important, when dealing with someone like your dad, for you and your brothers to have a united front. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted January 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Thanks Kay. I know that I don't have control over my brothers and that it is really their business how they relate to my Dad. So that thought brings me some relief as I can't be responsible for them. I definitely will keep sending them some positive emails, birthday cards etc. They know deep down what my Dad is like, they just need to find their individual way of dealing with him. Right now it seems he has quite a bit of power over them and they may be under his spell. He can be quite threatening. Right now what is happening, if I email my brothers (just pleasantries) none of them respond, but I then get an email from my Dad. So it seems to me he is trying to control all communication. Crazy. We are all almost 50 yrs old! So I understand they are in a difficult position. I realize now how much my mother kept him in check while she was alive. Lots of deep breathing and yoga....! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 I agree with what you say and how you are dealing with it. I know how hard this is! I have been fortunate in that my sisters and I have always been there for each other as we dealt with the family dysfunction, but it got tested when she had Dementia and a couple of the sisters didn't want anything to do with her whereas I chose to let the past be in the past...it was difficult following her death when one of my sisters made statements to me that were uncalled for, but I was able to let it go and move past it. Always I kept before me the goal of remaining in close bond with my sisters...they are all I ever had and our relationship is extremely important to all of us. It is how I've been able to overlook some things. Continuing to let them know how much they mean to you cannot hurt. I wouldn't try to sway them against your dad, they'll recognize things on their own and figure out how to deal with it on their own, just as you've already ascertained. You're on the right path! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflower Posted January 25, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 Thanks! One of my brothers actually reached out to me this week as he has been having a hard time with my Dad. My Dad has been spinning a large web and it turns out my brothers started to get suspicious of his behavior. So some dialogue has begun between my brothers and I. It feels so good to talk to them again. We are trying to keep things positive and constructive. As you implied, it doesn't help to get mired in the past. We seem to be more or less on the same page. It has been a bit of an intense week, but things have moved forward, and I feel significant relief. Most likely we all going to deal with my Dad in our own way, One step at a time....I really appreciate your input especially as you have been through something similar, and really seem to understand the situation. I am still in only "light" email contact with my Dad at this time. Think my Dad is upset and frustrated by this, but it is all I can manage right now. Trying to keep positive, and talk about more general things. I have come too far to get sucked back in! It isn't easy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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