Dad Dating 10 Days After Mom Passed

[kayc]

Good for you! You will find what works best for you. Incidentally, when my mom learned that none of us were going to allow her to manipulate us, even though she'd still try now and then (old habits die hard and perhaps she really didn't know another way), she accepted it a little better. One thing she always did was talk about us to each other. When we'd challenge her on it, she'd dig her heels in, so we learned to ignore it most of the time and save our battles for the really big things. It did seem though, that she got a little quieter with it, although Dementia certainly helped as she forgot her imagined wrongs.

[Wildflower]

There's hope! I was careful how I broached the subject with my brothers. I did not use words such as narcissism, or emotional abuse. I used the word extreme behavior instead which they seemed to understand. One of my brothers has had a similar experience to me, while the other 2 may not have had a full awakening yet. As you say, they have to be ready for it. My dad has said he is working on forgiving me for what I have done. I have told him I am sorry he is upset, but am quite adamant that I should not be needing to be forgiven for expressing a feeling in a respectful way (I didn't tell him that part but maybe I should-didn't want to inflame things). I don't think my brothers quite get that. They may think I am just being insistent and trying to change him. The brother who had a similar experience to me says my Dad forgave him but has never let him forget that he forgave him. I wanted to tell him there was really nothing to forgive if he was just expressing a feeling. He will have to figure it out. Anyway, one step at a time. The right time will probably come for me to discuss things with my brothers in more depth. I have not fully confronted my Dad about his behavior toward me, so he may be a bit confused. Not sure if he has full awareness re the impact of his words, and seems he may have limited capacity to regulate his emotions, and to really understand the feelings of others. Going to let things run their course....it's going to take time.

Thanks again!

[kayc]

I think you summed it up when you said "he may have limited capacity to regulate his emotions, and to really understand the feelings of others." Speaking for my lifelong situation with my mom, that was the case with her as well. I knew I couldn't change her, only set boundaries as to what I would/wouldn't accept/allow, and not let her manipulate/control me. It was hard. Harder than anyone could possibly think...but then you know that, you're there! You were wise to soften the delivery to your brothers, the important thing is getting across to them what you want to say in a way that they will hear/receive it.

[Wildflower]

Thanks so much for the support. I really appreciate it. It seems I am now not having such a problem with my Dad's dating, as a bigger issue regarding the nature of our relationship got exposed by my expressing a feeling about his dating-and that's what needs to be worked on. I do desire for my Dad to be happy, and am sure my Mom would want that to. I feel bad he has been upset. I can't change him, and ultimately we are all responsible for our own happiness. I am trying to see this as an opportunity to grow, to learn to set boundaries and to stay true to myself. Quite a challenge!

[kayc]

Yes it is!

[Mom2jared1970]

I know how you feel! My Dad started dating three months after my mother died of Ovarian Cancer in 2010. He even asked me for dating advice and I'm divorced. I told him to go online and he did and is now engaged. I was beyond angry and hurt at the beginning. Dad told me how much he loved mom and would never find anyone to replace her. He even said he would never remarry and now he is. The bottom line is that men can't be alone and no matter how hurt we are, they are going to do what makes them happy. Sorry about your loss!