Two Months Since He's Passed

[sharirouse]

So friday was the two month mark of my dads passing and I still feel like hes been gone for ten years even though I was joking with him almost 3 months ago and all that I have left is dust.

I talk to my mom throughout the day since I am in college 3 hrs away and shes always busy at work but I mentioned it was two months and she didnt say anything so i finally brought it up on the phone and she told me that she didnt know what to tell me. I dont know what I want to hear but I still feel like I am grieving alone. I know its socially hard for my mom to grieve because my parents were divorced but she hung out at the hospital with him while I drove in. My brother hasnt said anything except happy birthday and that was the 18th of october.

I still feel like Im in a daze and almost in denial because Im numb. Sometimes itll hit be harder than normal but Im still feeling lost. I pray and I beg to dream about him and I have twice so far because all I want is a hug but I still feel so alone. I used to go crying to him no matter what, whether it was real tears or just whining but I cant now. Im a mama's girl but shes not comforting me like I need her to and I dont know what to do.

Im searching for comfort in different ways and in different people and its strange to me and frankly, it freaks me out.

[kayc]

It could be your mom already did her grieving with the divorce, so it is different for her, and if she hasn't gone through this herself, she wouldn't know what to say. It is different losing a father than an ex-husband.

I have siblings that I talked to when my mom died but even that backfired because we didn't all grieve her the same...one of my sisters even told me when she died "well it's not like you ever had a REAL mother!" which I didn't find very helpful. Lacking being able to talk to family members, it might help to join a grief support group, where those there understand, having been through it. I'm in the country and don't drive at night, and most of the groups meet at night in the neighboring town 60 miles away, so I can't make use of them. You're in college so in a larger town that surely has a grief support group. Usually there's a counselor available for students as well. You might contact hospice of the hospital and learn about what groups might be meeting, it might be a way to find someone else that's struggling after losing a parent.

I'm sorry, I know this is hard.

[enna]

Hi Shari,

What I have found on my grief journey is that those who have not suffered the loss of a spouse cannot understand what it is we go through. It goes for any loss that we have not experienced. I cannot understand what is in the heart of a mother who has lost her child ~ I have not. Grief counselors (good ones) know and understand loss and they are able to guide us in the direction of understanding most losses because of the tools they have.

What has amazed me is that I have gone through my entire life thinking that I understood loss ~ having lost so many close to me ~ but when I lost my husband I lost who I was and it is taking hard work to recognize who I am now. I still don’t know, but I’m working on it.

I have learned that those who are married and still have their spouses have no clue what we go through. Our life changed as it was. We are no longer a couple with our own individualities but we are a solo being and this makes couples uncomfortable.

I thought my world fell apart when I lost my paternal grandmother ~ she was my rock ~ loving, kind, tender and always had open arms for me to slip into. I was the middle kid of five siblings and really didn’t get enough attention so my gram was there to offer that special love. When I lost my parents when my adult life was just beginning I grieved and wondered what it was going to be like for me without them when I had my child and grandchildren and they were not here to see this. I thought it was so unfair that they were not at my side sharing in my joys as I accomplished different events in my life. I have lost many friends over the years and mourned for them, too. When my very special dog, Benji, came into my life after my Jim died I found great comfort in him being around and then in only one short year he too was no longer in my life. None of these events have hit me as hard as losing my Jim.

Very few people will be able to comfort you as you grieve your dad ~ your mom and brother are grieving in their own way and have no clue what to say to you.

Individual grief counseling, support groups and this forum are places that we come because we are understood. Talking heals. Sharing our journeys helps us validate what we are going through.

Two months is a very short time for you ~ you are still so raw in your grief.

You know that you can still talk to your dad. It is not the same but I believe that our loved ones do hear us and they want us to be happy. You can journal ~ write a short/long note each night to your dad. Tell him what is in your heart. I do this with my Jim to this day ~ I call them heart talks.

And as Kay said with you being in a college town perhaps there are counselors you could contact ~ a good grief counselor.

Anne

[sharirouse]

I was talking to some of the other students in my classes and found a free grief service that Im going to look into but there may be a waiting list. I just feel worse. I keep thinking this is going to get easier but its not. its not something that just goes away. I miss him so much and I cant help but feel alone. I asked my mom how she felt and she says its weird and that she doesnt know. She wont talk about it around my stepdad and I understand that but shes my life line. Im still very angry with my brother and I dont want to talk to him, which I know sounds dumb but there is more backstory to it. I talked to my aunt on my dads side today and she just keeps telling me that its so much better for him now because hes not suffering. I am so worried about the holidays because they are going to hurt so much. I just feel like Im at a stand still and I dont really know what to do now. i can only eat so many cookies lol

[sharirouse]

I also forgot to mention that I forgot Hospice had such a service but they are currently a sore spot with me. I feel like they did not give my dad the care that he needed but I may need to tell them that if I get into their services. Im just to emotionally drained to deal with that at the moment.

[MartyT]

Shari, my dear, if your dad did not receive the level of care you expected from the hospice that cared for him, it's certainly understandable that you harbor strong feelings about that, and I hope one day ~ when you feel ready, willing and able ~ that you will let that hospice know of your concerns. Most hospices welcome such feedback, and use it to improve their services for other families in the future.

Right now, however, you are in need of bereavement support, which is an entirely different service that most hospices provide for at least a year following the death. It may be worth your while to call and ask to speak to the Bereavement Coordinator at your dad's hospice to see what is offered there. Many hospices offer programs to assist the bereaved, especially at this time of year, including referral to whatever special offerings and services might be available to you through other agencies in your community.

You might also do some reading about what you can do to soothe and comfort yourself (other than eating cookies ). See, for example, Coping with The Holidays: Suggested Resources, 2014

[kayc]

Shari,

While most hospice is wonderful (they were great with my mom), sometimes you get someone that isn't up to snuff. My friend, Jim, went through that when his mom was dying and he was very candid with them. They did things that upset her and didn't listen to him when he tried to talk to them. I think it will be good for you to voice yourself to them when you are ready. I was also going to suggest the above link, I'm glad Marty put it here. We will all be here going through the holidays here, and will be posting as we go through it.

[sharirouse]

I did the feedback survey they gave us right after he passed but I think I will. I just dont want to come off rude but my dad suffered more than he needed to and it breaks my heart. Ill definitely look into that and see what else I can do to politely tell them that I wasnt happy with it. I also didnt know how hospice worked.

I just need to talk to a stranger about how I feel because you hold back with people you know because you feel like a burden or you dont want to be seen differently.

Ill definitely do more reading about ways to comfort myself and Ill look through the links that the article provides as I dont think my waist line wants me to keep eating cookies either

Im happy I wont feel like Im the only one going through the pain but its horrible that we all have to experience this so thank you Kay for mentioning that. I havent been spending as much time on here due to school and I missed it.

One comforting thought I have is that my dad HATED the winter and NM has a horrible cold front right now so hes lucky LOL

[kayc]

We have to comfort ourselves with the good things. My mom was always cold, she doesn't have to go through that any more now.

[maria53577]

Shari, I understand you feeling angst towards your brother.. geez, my brother sorta checked out too! He flew home for the funeral and then we didn't hear from him.. it angered me. I finally reached out to him and let him know how I was feeling.. I told him that we liked to hear from him and really needed to .. he seemingly understood but hasn't done much since.. I did my part.. I told him how he felt.. the rest is on him.

I feel bad that you can't fully lean on your mom.. but I respect that that part of her life was over b/c your parents were divorced... it's still hard tho, especially b/c you really need someone you trust to lean on.

I think in life, we have certain expectations and when they are not met.. we are left disappointed.. at least that's how it is for me...

I too have those days when I want to scream and tell my mom something that happened.. but more and more I am seeing her around me.. I have been feeling more peaceful about her dying and less about the details that led up to it.. it is a process and is different for everyone.

FYI, I just had 2 pumpkin bars sometimes you just gotta give in

[kayc]

[sharirouse]

What really got me about my brother is that he could have been there. For weeks, I told him to come see my dad and I called him the moment I got news about my dad. He could have been there. My dad died on my brothers birthday and he passed at 10:30am and I called my brother and he was at Denny's getting his grandslam breakfast while I was sick with grief because I just watched my dad die.

He didnt get there until about 11 pm that evening. My brother didnt grow up with my dad and I did. I know my brother resents my dad but I feel like he was disrespected. I posted some good news on facebook and he then contacted me and honestly I feel like it was because he felt obligated. He told me that he stepped back because he didnt know what to do. So I was left there drowning in grief. I remember him telling me, 4 days after my dad died, that I wasnt the only one who lost someone. Who does that? My brother is 20 yrs older than me and I felt that was uncalled for.

And Im glad that Im not the only one who thinks I cant completely lean on my mom. She still has both parents so she cant relate. I just dont know what to do, i think i might tell her though. I know she cant outwardly grieve but hey, do it with me!

And i gave in and had fries ^.^ they were great.

And Kay, its FREEZING where I am at and I am almost jealous of my dad and your mom LOL

[kayc]

Shari,

Try not to judge your brother too harshly. Yes, he could have been there...so could have my sister, but she chose not to. I'm not going to let it ruin the relationship between her and myself. You see, the relationship a parent has with each child is different, their experiences are different. We vary with our coping abilities or how we handle things. You already said he didn't grow up with your dad and resented him...perhaps he has valid reasons for his feelings, whether he does or doesn't is immaterial, the point is he FEELS he does, and that's his reality. Also, some men are not good at "feelings", they don't know what to do, what to say, etc. He may be one of them. Perhaps by your brother saying you weren't the only one who lost someone, he was telling you he is grieving too, it's hard saying. When my mom died, my sister told me "Well it's not like she was ever a mother to you!!" That greatly upset me, I had to get off the phone immediately! And while I stewed about it for some time, I had to let it go...her intention wasn't to hurt me, and even though it was an uncalled for and extremely insensitive remark that she shouldn't have said, I had to chalk it up to her ignorance (in how to deal with grief) and let it go...I value my sister. When our parents are gone, our siblings are all we have left. She is a lot older than me...my siblings are stretched out over 25 years, so some did not grow up with others...I was in the middle of the two batches. I can relate to your disconnect with your brother over the 20 years difference...my little brother is 15 years younger and he's not close with any of us. But I still care about him.

Your mom can't relate, first because she hasn't been through it and second because her relationship with him was of an EX not a devoted father. It's best to see a grief counselor and maybe eventually attend a grief support group. Keep posting here too!

It has been 22 at night here lately, too cold for me! Yep, wherever they are it's more like Arizona or Florida weather!

[sharirouse]

Ill definitely try not to but I know that I deal with things through anger and grief is no different for me. I am definitely not a "good" griever. I should just let it go. Ive also only known my brother for about 3 years so that is while our relationship is strained. And that makes sense, maybe Im jealous and dont want to share my dad LOL definitely something I will bring up with a counselor.

And on that note, again, I am scared to go to a counselor! Its going to hurt and it seems easier to keep things at bay rather than opening everything up and letting it explode everywhere.

Same here! We are entering the ice patch weather and Im not okay with it haha lucky ducks!

[MartyT]

Shari, my dear, I hope it helps to know that, in all my years of grief counseling, I've yet to hear a client say that working with a grief counselor has made things worse or caused more pain for the individual who is grieving. The fact is that you're ALREADY in pain, and you're working overtime to keep a lid on it. When you work with a skilled counselor who can guide you gently through the process, it isn't necessarily painful. That is a false assumption on your part. Grief hope for you is that you will think of it as a gift you can give yourself!

I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but let me say it again to you:

Even if you’re mourning in a normal, healthy way, it is wise to use all the resources available to help you recover your balance and put your life back together again. Sometimes friends and family may worry too much about you, get too involved in your personal affairs, or not be available to you at all. When it seems that support from family and friends is either too much or not enough, a few sessions with a bereavement counselor may give you the understanding and comfort you need.

Unlike friendship, a professional counseling relationship offers you the opportunity to relate to a caring, supportive individual who understands the grief process, doesn’t need you to depend upon, and will allow you to grieve without interference. Within the safety and confidentiality of a therapeutic relationship, you can share your intimate thoughts, make sense of what you’re feeling and clarify your reactions. An effective bereavement counselor is knowledgeable about the mourning process, helps you feel understood, offers a witness to your experience, encourages you to move forward, fosters faith that you will survive, and offers hope that you will get through your grief successfully. (If after two or three sessions you don’t sense your counselor has a good understanding of your grief process or doesn’t seem like the person who can help you, you should feel free to try another counselor.)

[ Source: Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You ]

[kayc]

So true! Shari, you have nothing to lose, you have everything to gain.