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Changes I'm Making


enna

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Yesterday was another first.  I attended a staff outing, and our tables were assigned so that we were with staff we did not interact with very often (took us out of our department groups).  Well, I didn't really know the lady sitting next to me.  In my mind, I was thinking I needed to tell my story about losing Mark, but something stopped me.  I did not feel it was a necessary topic.  I guess my being a widow wasn't relevant, so I did not feel the need to bring it up.  I guess it was my first time stepping out without putting on the widow cloak.  Part of me hurts, because in some small way I feel I am denying my relationship with Mark.  I spoke of him numerous times...especially since part of the outing was bowling.  Mark and I had talked about going bowling many times.  The triggers seem to have softened.  It could be that I am now giving so much focus to my new driving skills.  My widow brain is working overtime. 

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They are with us whether we mention them to others or not.  I talk about George freely with my family.  To others, I seem to sense whether they're receptive or not.

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“Change your thoughts and you change your world.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale

I think when one loses someone they love (be it human or animal) they change. They are not the same. They will never be the same. How could they be? I don’t think it’s only because of a loss. I think it is because we are living beings and anything living, changes second by second by minute by minute, etc. 

So, when someone makes a comment about change it’s important for us to remember that change brings about growth. We only have to open our hearts and listen. Anyway, that’s what I think.

make-changes.jpg

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  • 1 month later...

My place isn't in shape for entertaining...the house needs painted, the back of the garage needs replaced, the patio roof needs re-replaced, the shed needs torn down, I need new carpet throughout.  BUT I connect with others through my church and senior site.  I belong to a "coloring" group which is just a bunch of ladies coloring or knitting and talking and we potluck.  Meeting with my grief support group also provides contact.  I find these times with others are so important to me...without which I would have more solitude than is healthy. :)

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Do like I do then, try not to think about it. :)  I do what I can.

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I removed my post above.

Thank you for your kind words Marita.

It was not my intention to make anyone feel bad or upset by talking about what I am doing with my life right now. My life is continually changing and because I am further out in my grief journey I have not been sensitive to others who are newer.

I am sorry if I offended anyone. I know many people struggle and perhaps found my post offensive or boastful.  

I am sorry.

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Oh my dear Anne! I am so disappointed to learn that you removed your beautiful, uplifting, encouraging and hopeful post! Please, if there is any way that you can post its content here again, find a way to do it! I saw nothing offensive or boastful in your message, and I think it's extremely important to let our members know the significant progress you have made! It gives all of us hope for the future! 

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I am reposting this for I have received emails and messages to do so. I was led to believe that it was hard for some to read and that is why I deleted it. My intention is only to share what I find myself doing on this journey that can change many times in a day.

This month my gathering of people here at the house took a new form. I decided to have some pages from a few of my coloring books out along with color pencils and markers. Besides continuing our talks about “getting our stuff together” for end-of-life I added another half hour to our visit and used the time to color as a form of meditation. Two of the six regulars said that they have talked to family members about their wishes for end-of-life. This made me happy.  I had to add the table leaf to my dining room table to make room for us to spread out.  Two of our regulars brought a variety of cookies. We use paper plates so there is little cleanup. I will not drink my coffee, tea or milk from a paper cup!  I dunk cookies in milk and found out I am not the only one!

Our weather here in AZ where I am has been perfect for walking. Next month I’ll have some links for anyone who wants to learn about walking meditation.

I am afraid if our group gets too big we’ll have to use one of our activity rooms at the clubhouse! The downfall there is that if we have snacks or anything other than water we have to get it from the restaurant staff and pay for it! I can fit twelve people in my home but after that, it is too crowded. I can fit eight people at the dining room table and set up a card table with chairs nearby if I would need to.  That would be wonderful in my eyes.

When Jim and I had our home built here we purposely downsized from what we had in IL. It has paid off for me since I am now alone.

I share this because I know how important it is to keep in touch with other people. It could be so easy to isolate myself.

Jim has been gone for almost five years now. I am in my seventies and retired so it is not easy for me to branch out and be social. I am an introvert and love the solitude but I also need to keep in touch with other people. My health is not the best so even though I’d like to volunteer more I find it difficult to do so.

This monthly gathering that I started is not really a passion but a way to connect with others.

I have found that we do continue on after we have lost a spouse or significant other so why not choose to do so with some purpose?  I have learned from others here and think it is important to share our journeys.

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I am VERY sorry you removed your post.  As Marita said, it was very inspirational and I saw nothing that would hurt anyone newer in their journey.  I don't know what about our responses caused you to think so, but that sure wasn't our thinking or intent.

I know it's hard to re-create what you wrote, but if there's any way you can do so, I hope you will.

My response was that even though I don't have a home I can entertain in, I do find other ways of getting together with people, it doesn't always have to be at one's home, if others, like me, find themselves in that position.  Often you can rent a church's room if you don't belong to a club, or another facility and sometimes is cheap to do so.  Our local park rents their facility for $25/hour and that includes tables, chairs, kitchen facilities.

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Anne,

We have a coloring group that gets together at a friend of mine's house, she has a large table and fits up to ten people.  We have about a dozen people in it, it meets weekly, but not everyone comes every week, we average about nine.  It's been very relaxing, positive conversation.  We started bringing snacks but it ended up more like a potluck, my best meal of the week! :)  It's just nice taking time for myself, being with friends, doing enjoyable non-productive work, which is something I have to work on, being the me that I am. :D

Thank you for re-posting.  This isn't a section that people brand new to grief usually drift to, and people do have the option of skipping over anything if it bothers them.  Personally, I don't see anything here that could possibly bother anyone, but remembering my early days, I guess there's no predicting what bothers us in early grief.

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I came across this on FB today and it really spoke to me. I wish I had seen this when I decided to “let go” of keeping my teaching certificate updated. I struggled for a few years after I retired thinking I might go back to teaching! I kept updated on certificate requirements knowing that I would not be going back into the classroom.  It was costing me money and time. Somehow I thought that by doing this I would still be who I’d been for almost five decades ~ a teacher by profession.

Today I know I am more than a teacher. I know that even though I do not have a valid updated teaching certificate I will always be a teacher. Funny how we allow ourselves to think that letters after our names define us. It is what we did not who we are.

I share this because I think it can be applied to our grief.  Over the months and years, we learn how to “let go” of guilt and all the “should,” “would,” and “could” and anything else that may be negative. It doesn’t happen overnight and it doesn’t happen without working on it. We are human and most of us do the best we know how to do at the time. It sounds simple but boy it isn’t!

Letting Go  

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Good for you, Anne. You are indeed a teacher, and more than a teacher: You are one very wise lady, and I treasure your presence here, where you've shared your grief, your determination, your hard work and your growth, ever since you first arrived. You are a blessing to all of us.

And I so agree with you that this beautiful piece can be applied to our grief! Once again you've found a real treasure, which you've shared with all of us. Thank you! 

The text of the poem can be found here: She Let Go ~ A Poem by Rev. Safire Rose 

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I am unable to reach the website for some reason, Anne, I'll have to look on your FB and see if I find it.

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All That I Lost When You Died

Widowed on May 25, 2012

“i carry your heart, I carry it in my heart” e.e.cummings

This is the same post only in PDF format for members.

 

 

What I lost.pdf

Edited by enna
changed to a PDF format
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So vitally true.  I forgot briefly how my precious wife would say my kisses still took her breath away! We loved each other passionately to the end! - Shalom

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I'm glad it didn't take a lifetime for us to get to know each other as intimately as we did, because we didn't get a lifetime.  We had the condensed version.  We poured our heart and soul into each other!  We started out as penpals, and we'd write each other long letters every day, I think this helped us get to know each other from the heart.  Everything we said and did was with respect and caring for the other.  Our friendship grew wings and we didn't want to live without each other.  So many things on your list were shared by us...sitting on our porch swing watching the hummers come and feed...checking our hanging baskets of flowers (we had at least 14 across our patio), going for drives, cuddling up to watch a movie together, him always appreciating whatever I fixed for dinner, and the sugar free cookies right out of the oven.  Going camping together.  Working together to get the chores done so we could go enjoy ourselves together.  Going to the coast and walking on the beach, holding hands.  Our chemistry was amazing, but I think how we treated each other was the catalyst.  (I was in a 23 year marriage that was not an iota of this.)  

Like you, Anne, George did so much for me, gave so much to me, shared so much with me.  It's a big hole to leave.

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I think grief has given me ADHD....and I get frustrated when my focus wavers enough to make me pick something else up and nothing truly gets finished.  Kay, you are right....there is such a HUGE hole in my life.  I go to work every day; I did that before Mark died, so it is just a portion of my day but he still became a big part of it.  What is missing are so many of the wonderful things on Anne's list...those things that make his being gone even harder.  Simple things that most people might not even notice.  We weren't in each others' lives for a long period of time, but the intensity of our being together filled every ounce of my being.  I looked forward every noon time to his call, just to hear his voice and listen to him talk about nothing at all.  When I hung up, I knew it would only be a few more hours until we would be together and could close out the rest of the world.  The measurement of a "lifetime" can sometimes be so very short, but be SO full.  I still only give myself tempered glimpses into how much I miss him.  I can't completely absorb the idea of his being gone from my life.

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My granddaughter, Elizabeth Anne (10 months), is on her way to visit me during Spring Break. She has been practicing crawling and standing holding on to things. My family will be here for a week. Sofia (10) and Nicky (8) send me notes daily telling me how hard it is to wait. Even though we FaceTime a few times a week it never seems like enough. It will be good to have my arms around their precious bodies. Nicky reminded me that it is almost Easter! While they are here I have to remind myself not to hide eggs in the cactus plants in the yard. J Sofia wants to go to the Desert Botanical Garden to see the butterfly exhibit. 

I so love my daughter and SIL. They are beautiful people. 

Elizabeth Anne ~ on the road to grandma’s house

 

Edited by enna
Removing personal photos.
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Anne,
I am so happy for you!  Enjoy each moment!

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