Changes I'm Making

[Froggie4635]

Dear Anne...

I am approaching 17 months that my husband, Mark...love of my life has been gone.  Your post makes me feel better, and yet also makes me sigh.  Everything you said, I am in the midst of.  I keep trying to tell myself that I do not need any more books on grief.  I have at least two stacks that I have only glimpsed at.  I got rid of a nice collection of the ones that I read (though not really comprehending them).  I have taken notes, and written down prompts for writing in my journal.  I spend so much time printing out Pinterest posts and making art out of them. There is no true urgency in my life; no one to do these things for.  I took off three days work, intending to do so many things.  I did not leave my house but twice in 5 days...and I was content with that.  I don't seem to break down sobbing any longer, but I get hit with little emotional patches that make me tear up and my bottom lip tremble.  Is it possible to STILL be so exhausted from grief?  I have this voice in my head telling me, "why don't you do this, or do that"  and I just DON'T.  Sometimes I miss Mark so much that I find myself breathless.  There is a lot of empty space in my head that I fill with whatever television show is on.  

Your post just really rang true to me...and if you are feeling like this at 4 years...am I at the right place at 17 months?  I really am so glad you wrote what you did.  

[enna]

Dear Maryann,

Thank you for your kind words and for reading my post.

I have read your posts and grieve with you in the loss of your Mark. Yes, you are right in the midst of your grief. 17 months is such a very short time. I had no energy for a few years after Jim died. I also lost myself creating boards on Pinterest. It was a way of expressing my grief when I would find myself up in the middle of the night. Nothing stayed in my head as I read about grief. It was only later that something would come up and I recalled where I heard it or read it.

I personally think exhaustion is part of grief. I still lack energy and there are days that I don’t even get out of my pjs. I accept that and use those days to catch up on movies I wanted to watch or see over. It is very true that there is no time limit on grieving. There is no time we should feel better.

I think each one of us is right where we need to be. It is so important to have a small group of friends who understand. Most of us do not have friends in the real world who are willing to stay with us during our grief. That is why this forum is such a blessing. There are five/six of us who have remained friends after spending years here. We understand the need to not grieve alone. Our society does not make room for grief. We really are meant to be tribal. Our ancestors did it right. If you have a chance to read a book (that I have recommended before) by Francis Weller called The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief I think you will be more comfortable in accepting the place you are in right now. Always remember to be gentle with yourself. 

Anne

[enna]

Marty. 

[kayc]

I totally agree with all you wrote and feel the same way.  I want people to know that grief does not stay in the same intensity, it changes form and evolves throughout our journey.  I do also agree that we have to put in the work so we don't get stuck in place.

[MartyT]

Maryann, my dear, I just read a piece by our friend Maria Kubitz of Alive in Memory that made me think of you. I think it could have been written just for you, as it speaks to where you are right now, as well as where you will be one day:  Grief 2.0

[Froggie4635]

Dear Marty,

Is funny.  I received the same piece in my email inbox and glanced at it.  When I got home from work, and after you pointed it out, I took time to read it and of course you were so right.  Now I just need to get it to sink in.  I really wish I could find a way to make this irritating, antagonizing, negative voice in my head to disappear.  My therapist called it authoritative.  It is not the best to have around as I make my way through all these changes and adjustments.  It makes it hard to do those nice things I need to do for myself.  I probably have had it all along...but I was able to ignore it when I was happy and had so much positive in my life.  I get nervous when I talk about a "voice"...but we all know what it is.  

[KATPILOT]

On ‎5‎/‎2‎/‎2016 at 11:37 AM, MartyT said:

We are so fortunate to have you here with us, as you are one of the most beautiful flowers in our garden.

I couldn't agree more!

[enna]

I like what is being said in this video. We hear so much about self-care that I think Mary Jane has the right idea. I make a conscious effort to practice self-care. It's like meditation ~ the more you practice it the better you become at it. Ha, I never thought I'd be saying that two or three years ago! 

 

[enna]

It takes courage to live your life after you lose someone who has been an influence in your life. 

COURAGE

We drift through this gray, increasing nowhere
Until we stand before a threshold we know
We have to cross to come alive once more.

Feel the deeper knowing in us sure
But what has already died;
That we will lose nothing
Trust that a richer life awaits us there,
Into the unknown that beckons us;
May we have the courage to take the step all that is about to be born beyond
The pale frames where we stayed confined,
Not realizing how such vacant endurance
Was bleaching our soul's desire.

John O'Donohue

Excerpt from, 'For the Time of Necessary Decision'
BENEDICTUS (Europe) / TO BLESS THE SPACE BETWEEN US (US)

Sky Road / Clifden, Connemara
Photo: © Ann Cahill

 

[enna]

My little Elizabeth Anne at two weeks. I will be holding her a week from tomorrow. Bittersweet as I reflect on my Jim being dead for four years on the 25th of this month. I do believe he is somehow sharing in my happiness. 

 

 

Edited June 24, 2017 by enna
Removed personal photos.

[MartyT]

Precious little angel . . .  ♥

[kayc]

Oh Anne, she is just beautiful!  I pray your time with her is wonderful, don't be surprised if Jim is peeking over your shoulder at her.

[scba]

Beautiful!

[enna]

Faith, Hope, Love ~ the greatest of these is Love...

This is where I am after four years without my beloved Jim.

On May 25, 2012, after 4:30 AM, my beloved took his last breath and left his earthly life. I am not going to reflect on the journey up until now, rather I am going to write about where I am today and where I intend to go from today on.

I am different yet I am still who I have always been.

I see clearer today than I did four years ago. It has been a struggle every day to work on being grateful for my life. I choose to focus on the positive. I choose to be happy. Yes, I can be happy. I am still breathing. I can still smell the spring flowers that fill my yard. I watch bunnies dart in and out of the bushes and wait on the patio for their morning carrots and greens. Yes, I do feed them during the hot months in Arizona. I see the quail scurry across the rocks as they head for shade. Their new babies following along looking like new grass moving in the wind. My Jacaranda tree is filled with the most amazing purple flowers that smell so sweet. The orange and lemon trees are mature and produce enough fruit far more than I could possibly use. Neighbors share and that is another reason I am so grateful. People are genuinely kindhearted. They do not always mention Jim’s name but I know they remember him. He was such a kind and gentle man. He loved his hummingbird garden and today it has matured since his death. The hibiscus bushes keep the hummers busy. There are enough flowers to keep them around all year long. My herb pots have to be indoors now because it is too hot for them to be out on the patio.

 I looked in the mirror this morning and wondered if Jim would know who I was. My hair is whiter. I am older only I don’t feel older. I don’t get around as easily as I used to. I am grateful that I can still drive, be independent, live in our home and still manage to take care of it with help for deep cleaning and dusting the floorboards. I do not climb ladders unless someone is near.  The inside windows I can do ~ the outside ~ No. I ask for help and am not ashamed to accept help in things I can no longer do by myself.

I do not live in the same state as my daughter, SIL and three grandchildren but that is OK. They are young and can travel. At 73, travel is hard for me with my health issues. I am blessed with a new grandbaby and I really like to be on Skype or FaceTime. Some parts of technology I like. I don’t like how we have lost the art of communication ~ that face-to-face conversation when you look into someone’s eyes.

My life continues here where Jim and I moved when he retired. This is where I belong for now. I have days when I think I can no longer go on but then I do. It is not the life that I thought I’d be living but I’m living it.

What is the most challenging thing I still deal with ~ loneliness. I miss sharing things with Jim. I miss telling him about my day. I long for his arms around me. I miss his smell. I miss seeing his eyes light up when he’s enjoying a favorite meal. I just miss everything about him. He was my soulmate for forty years and I am so grateful that I had his love. The pain I feel right now is worth every day Jim and I were together.

I have plans to step up my volunteering, I’ll continue to practice piano and do my color pencil coloring. I try to keep myself healthy but fall short in what I need to do. My days blend into each other so much so that I find it incredulous to think about it being four years since I said goodbye to my Jim. We go on because that is how it is. Life and death will continue on long after I am no longer here on this earth. While I’m here I’m going to accept my sadness and be grateful for all that I have. Did I mention that I have a new grandbaby? Now that is something to be grateful for. Death and life ~ the cycle of life.

André Rieu's  Nightingale Serenade (Toselli Serenade) 

[kayc]

Anne,

I should copy this so I can write it when George's anniversary of death comes up next month.  It seems you're in the same place I am.  Like I've said, what I had at about three or four years is what I had to live with.

Are you still planning on going to see your new grandbaby?  I had so much fun on my granddaughter's first birthday celebration Saturday.  Long day but fun.  She is about as sweet as they come, and so good!  They will be coming here this weekend so that will make three weeks in a row I've seen her, which is a record!

I, too, find beauty in what is around me.  I look past the back of the garage that needs replaced, the rotting shed that needs taken down, and the home that needs painted, all which have to wait for another day when I have more money...and I see the deer feeding in the yard, the hummingbirds coming to eat, my cat watching them from her perch (she can't reach them).  I enjoy my Arlie, his companionship and freely offered kisses (in exchange for bellyrubs, of course!).  

Yes we continue here...and no it's nothing like it was when they were alive.  I miss the same things you do, talking things over, his holding me, his touch, his smell, the look in his beautiful eyes.  They were listed on his license as blue but sometimes they were green.  I miss everything about him.

PS I love André Rieu!

[enna]

My definition of gratefulness...Elizabeth Anne at 29-days old. 

 

[MartyT]

Best definition ever, Anne! Your little namesake is beautiful!  ♥

[kayc]

Anne, She's beautiful!  Are you there yet?

[Froggie4635]

I decided I needed to change my screensaver at work.  I used to have all these beautiful pictures and sayings that I found on Pinterest all over my cubicle.  But I found that I did not really take time to look at them...so I removed them and took them home to put into a book.  Instead, I saved the ones that were more visual and added them to my screensaver, mixed in with photos of Mark.  I try and indulge my creative side while honoring Mark in whatever ways I can.  I will never get new photos of him, so I wanted to add some sentiments that were tied to him, and how I am dealing with losing him.  I am encouraged by the strength of this creative drive I have inside.  I know it was something that Mark enjoyed...he LOVED seeing what I created and my process; just as I loved watching his when he turned his pens.  His love is what helped free this part of me...and I will honor him until I die using it.

[mittam99]

Anne... Elizabeth Anne is an absolutely beautiful baby. So glad she's in your life and bringing you joy!

-------------------------

Maryann, hugs to you!

I've tried to creatively honor Tammy in many ways as well. I've created a photo collage, have a memorial website honoring her, planted trees in a National Forest in her memory, and of course I tell the world about her whenever I can. Another thing I did was to create a movie of sorts using music, text and photos.

Here's the site I used to create it. It's free and works quite well. Of course, every time I view the movie I cry, but those are tears of love.

https://studio.stupeflix.com/en/

---------

 

 

[enna]

Mindfulness & Grief: With Guided Meditations to Calm the Mind and Restore the Spirit by Heather Stang, M.A.

This came in my email today and I spent a few hours reading and reflecting on its content. I liked the message so much that I ordered the book on Amazon and intend to take the eight-week journey as I continue to chart my own way through my grief.

I am not recommending the book yet because I have not gone through it. It is one of the books listed in the Grief Healing Bookstore that has been prepared by Marty.

After the death of my husband in 2012 and being diagnosed with heart failure I began to look more closely at what I was doing to heal myself. I never really thought about caring for myself even though I spent my adult life caring for my students and then my husband for five years before he died. I thought I was caring for myself but always had trouble staying in the moment. I was a worrier and probably still am but have been working on it. There are mindfulness techniques that I can learn and this is one of my goals. I try to remember: “grief is not an illness but rather a natural part of life that causes us to experience suffering.”  I am already beginning to reconstruct my own personal story and it has taken much “grief work” to do so.

I look forward to having this tangible aid to guide me through yet another avenue of my grief journey. It may or may not help me with mindfulness practice but I won’t know unless I try it.

I would never have been ready to do this in the beginning of my grief.

Here is the PDF snippet that came to me.

mindfulness_grief_sample.pdf

[enna]

Living with Disappointment

Plans do not always go the way we want them to. I have seen this way too often in my lifetime. Once again I am being asked to make another change since Jim’s death ~ one that tears at my heart. I am keeping in mind that change is temporary and I gain strength in that. I have been struggling with yet another health issue since my diagnosis of heart failure.  The doctors have been putting me through many procedures that have exhausted me at times. Just as I have been making plans to go into my daughter’s and visit with my grandchildren I have been told that I need a surgery that will prevent me from traveling for a time. The process will take several months for all the adjustments and there is no guarantee that it will even work. I don’t know if the surgery will be covered. I guess it depends on whether or not it is approved by whoever studies the surgeon’s report. My insurance is an in-network only insurance so I cannot have the surgery done in my daughter’s state. I am planning on calling my present insurance to see if I can opt out of it before the end of the year. If they let me then I will go back to my old insurance group (that costs more monthly which is why I changed in the first place) and then would be free to see any doctor and have the surgery done close to my daughter’s. Since this is a holiday weekend I cannot get in touch with them until Tuesday.  The insurance group I was with up until December said that I should be able to opt out of the network insurance if I tell them that I will need to be out-of-state often and will need access to doctors!  The only way I would be covered out-of-state is if I have to go to an urgent care facility or the ER. What has happened to our country and its health-care program?

My daughter will make another long weekend trip here with her family so my grandchildren can see their grandmother. I was so hoping to be with them when my newest grandchild is baptized at the end of July. I would like to pray that this would happen but I don’t have too much faith in miracles.  I am just so glad for FaceTime or Skype right now. Not having my Jim here with me only makes it harder.

One other thing I want to share ~ I have been with the same Primary doctor since we moved here in 1999. A few days ago I received in the mail a fifteen-page form that has to be filled out before I meet with my doctor for a wellness exam (mandatory from my new insurance group). The in-network insurance group has told the doctors that these forms have to be filled out by their patients if the doctors are to be reimbursed for their services! This is not coming from doctors. Wow! First of all, I have no intention of filling out the papers so they can be sent to an insurance company. I will pay the full fee to my doctor first before I fill out these papers. Whatever happened to doctor-patient confidentiality! The forms are an invasion of my rights as a patient. I am so mad I could spit. I have so many questions but not enough strength to ask them right now.

[MartyT]

My dear Anne, I'm so sorry. I agree with you completely ~ Our so-called healthcare "system" is really run by insurance companies and bureaucrats. It makes me so mad I could spit, too. So many rules, regulations, forms, electronic records, certifications, approvals ~ the list is endless. And to pretend that all these records are insuring quality of care and protecting our privacy ~ it's a joke. Except that no one is laughing. And the older we get, the harder it becomes to navigate ~ especially when you're doing it all by yourself. My heart just hurts for you ~ and for all of us.

[kayc]

Oh Anne, I can imagine your disappointment and frustration!  I just found out my insurance is dropping individuals and the insurance is going up astronomically next year...it more than doubled for me this year, even though my income has not changed and I rarely see the doctor.  I need it for Rxs, which I have found out they inflate and the pharmacies get kick backs, it costs you sometimes more for your copay than it would if you paid cash, but the pharmacies are prohibited from telling you that in their contracts with the insurance companies.  It's all a scam!  I may have to opt out of insurance next year and pay the penalty and my own Rxs, I don't know.  I'll have to figure that out when the federal exchange rolls around again.

I believe, through the Federal Exchange, you can switch insurance companies, but I'd want something in writing before dropping one insurance to go to another in case someone gives you bum information over the phone and leaves you holding the bag.  I'm not sure of anything with the insurance anymore, though, because the rules seem to change continuously and too many agents aren't up to date on the changes.

If you are unable to attend your granddaughter's baptism, perhaps you can suggest to your kids that they have it videotaped so you can watch it.  

I was hoping to spend time with my kids/granddaughter this summer but alas they have a roommate for the summer, taking up their guest room.  In the winter it's nigh impossible to go there as I can't drive at night and I can't let the fire go out at home as I don't want the pipes to freeze.  I'm also having a hard time getting away because of church responsibilities, we have to have someone there available to lock up the $ and count/deposit it, plus being on the praise team ties me down.  I look forward to Fall when people are done traveling, maybe I can get away then!

I will be around today, Anne, if you want to call.

[Clematis]

Oh Anne, that sounds dreadful! I really feel for you, having to negotiate all of that. It is really a wicked scene that hurts people who need help.