Changes I'm Making

[enna]

You are so right about taking baby steps, Maryann. Good for you for taking time off to rest your eyes and your spirit.  We learn that we have to care for ourselves for if we don’t, no one else will. You are right, our grief does not go away but we do learn how to manage it.  Change comes slowly.  And you should be very proud of yourself. I hope you get back to your creative work soon. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Good for you Maryann.  You deserve to be proud of yourself.  I hope your eyesight and other health concerns start to improve soon and that the progress is stead.

Thinking of you.

Marita

[enna]

How do we forgive ourselves for our shortcomings?

I have come to learn that no one can forgive us but ourselves.

We will all mess up but we have the ability to change.

When my Jim needed care I thought there was no one who could care for him better than I.  After all, who knew him better and who else spent forty years with him knowing how he liked to sleep at night or what food he liked best or when he was cold and needed a jacket or blanket on his knees but me. When he wasn’t able to communicate I missed some signals he would send me. I didn’t scratch his foot in the right place, I put too much shaving cream on his face when I was shaving him, I always fixed too many eggs for his breakfast. I walked too fast with him when he needed to go to the bathroom. I forgot which leg he liked to put his trousers in first, and the list is endless.

Caregiving is a tough job. It can bring you to your knees. There are times it seems like you can do nothing right. Every day you are asking for forgiveness. It is easy to blame yourself for all the things you didn’t do. What I forgot to do was recognize all the things I did do. It was long after Jim died that I was able to focus on what I did do for Jim. Today I know that I did enough. I did what I knew how to do at the time. This did not come overnight. It took work on my part to allow myself to accept the fact that during the time I was going through caregiving I did what I knew how to do at the time and I did it because of the love I have for Jim. I believe that love will guide us and that in my mind is enough.

[MartyT]

Beautifully lived and beautifully said, dear Anne. Blessings to you, and thank you  ♥

[kayc]

And spoken for all of us who have been caregivers at some time in our lives.  Thank you, Anne!

[enna]

The Watch

My Jim was always conscious of punctuality.  He wore a watch for as long as I knew him.  Appointments were kept on time.  When going somewhere he was always earlier rather than just on time. 

Today I opened a desk drawer in the den and found two of his watches.  Why I kept them I do not know.  It was one of those triggers that found me crying so hard that I began to shake.  I allowed my feeling of this great sadness to happen.  I gradually stopped and settled into a peaceful quiet.  This would not have happened to me a few years ago.  A few years ago I would have denied my feelings of sadness. Today I allow those feelings to come focusing on how much Jim loved being on time.  I miss him. I wait for our time when we are together again.

a 5th Century Sanksrit Proverb by Kalidasa:

 Look to this day,

For it is life,

the very life of life.

In its brief course lie all

The realities and verities of existence,

The bliss of growth,

The splendor of action,

The glory of power —  

 For yesterday is but a dream,

And tomorrow is only a vision,

But today well lived,

Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness

and every tomorrow a vision of hope.

 Look well, therefore, to this day.”

Only Time     Best to watch this full screen ~ fewer distractions. 

[enna]

Our path is not a straight line.  Things I tell myself...

After a significant loss, it is important to remember that we really are NOT “going crazy”

Sometimes things just don’t go the way we want them to.

When this happens remember there are things we can do:

remove judgment and don’t compare,

 remember to breathe and let go of the smaller things,

open ourselves to challenges and remember that sometimes change can be painful, it is the small steps that get us to where we are going ~ if there is something we can’t control break it down into smaller and more manageable pieces,

 it helps to share what we are going through ~ and don’t forget to laugh or even smile a little.

 

Embracing Life After Loss by Mara Karpel

[kayc]

This was really good!

[enna]

[enna]

I forgive for myself and not for anyone else. 

 

OCTOBER 3, 2016

MINDFULLY LETTING GO: THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS

[kayc]

When I've explained forgiveness to people, I've always started out this way...explaining first what forgiveness is NOT.  So many have preconceived notions of forgiveness that are incorrect.  I also like that this points out that you don't have to focus on the person.  Some memories are too hideous to focus on.  There are some people that you cannot put yourself in their place and understand them, nor would you want to.  Forgiveness covers a whole range of things, from slight to atrocious.  I like that this points out that this is for YOU.

[enna]

Every day.

 

[enna]

Taking time to say Thank You to a special person.

Wishing you a very Happy Birthday, dear Kay. You are very important in my life and have been such a support to me on my grief journey. We go back a number of years now and throughout those years you have been someone who has sat with me and allowed me to own my grief.

Giving of your time to listen to others in grief   ?

Reminding me that “it will not always feel this bad”  

Always supportive  ?

Truly amazing person

Indebted to your kind heart   ?

Touched my heart in so many ways

Understanding that we need to be heard   ?

Delightful personality and smile

Every ready to add your opinion in a loving way   ?

[kayc]

Thank you, dear Anne.  And you've been there for me and are an inspiration to us all!

[enna]

I have special friends whom I sit around our fire with and they understand how to be there without trying to "fix" me. In grief, we don't need to be fixed. We are not broken. We are grieving. I am so grateful for the tribal members who understand this. 

Just to sit, without expectation, with someone who is in grief or fear or loneliness or despair, without trying to fix them in any way, or manipulate their experience to match your idea of how it should be; just to listen, without playing the role of ‘expert’ or ‘enlightened guru’ or ‘the one who knows best’; just to be totally available to the one in front of you, and to walk with them through the fire, to hold their hand when they are broken – this is how we begin to heal each other through love.

Beyond our roles, unprotected, unresolved, undefended, we truly meet.

– Jeff Foster

 

 

 

[kayc]

My special friend from TX called me the evening of my birthday, it was such a treat!  It's like we're right back where we left off whenever we talk.  It's so good to have someone who can sit with you and you're comfortable with!  

[enna]

My heart is sad right now. I just found out that Fred, my granddog, does have cancer.  The tumor that was removed from his back leg last Wednesday is vascular cancer.

He is a gentle Beagle. He absolutely loves visiting grandma. He was rescued when he was three and has stolen my heart.  He is thirteen now.  I am watching him until Sunday because the kids had a trip up to Montana planned for weeks now to celebrate father/son birthdays.  There will be much love passed back and forth between us this week as always.  He does not get around very well because his other leg is arthritic and the leg that had the tumor taken out is so raw. I have to keep the cone on but I will remove it when I can keep an eye on him. He is on antibiotics and pain meds. It just makes me so sad. He is drinking water but not eating much at all. It’s a real challenge getting his pills in now that he is not eating. 

Those of you who know me know how much this special dog means to me.  It has been only a short time ago since my Shipperkee/Poodle, Benji, went to Rainbow Bridge. Sometimes it is just hard to take deep breaths!  This picture of Fred was only months ago. I love his beautiful white face. 

 

Edited June 24, 2017 by enna
Removing personal photos.

[kayc]

Oh Anne, my heart goes out to you and your family, that is so hard.  I am too terrified to have Arlie's tumors removed.  1) I'm afraid anesthesia would kill him 2) I'm afraid of them opening him up would spread the cancer, I've seen it happen too many times.  Your Fred is so beautiful, and I know he will enjoy his few days with grandma.  You're in my prayers.

[MartyT]

[enna]

When it rains, it pours: the trials of living without my spouse

I need new faucets in the master bedroom (my home was built in 1999), my kitchen faucet is dripping water when you turn it on, the icemaker in my Kenmore died and has to be replaced (Sears is telling me they don’t make the icemaker for my refrigerator anymore – I think they are trying to sell me a new one – who doesn’t have ice-makers for a Kenmore?), I need a new dishwasher because some of the spokes have broken off, my carpet needs cleaning again because when Fred was here he had one accident during the night, it’s time for a carpet surface cleaning anyway, the guest bathroom needs to be checked because every now and then I hear the toilet tank running (I don’t know where it wants to go), my coffee pot is acting up (never again will I buy a Keurig) I’ve replaced it twice in three years, Yes, I do drink a lot of coffee, I am no longer able to do deep house cleaning (floor boards, high pot shelves in master bedroom, kitchen, and recreation center, washing all outside windows, and scrubbing floors, we are being told by our ALC that if our outside homes have not been painted in the last eight years they will be sending us a letter advising us to get it painted in the next two (I am going on seven this year),  my garage floor needs to be washed and could use a paint job but I can’t move all the stuff out of it to do it, it’s time to have my car serviced now that summer heat is almost over, I have a dental cleaning appointment to reschedule (a date conflict), my eye doctor sent me a second notice reminding me that “we are concerned because your cataracts are “ripe” and should be taken care of soon,” one of the bulbs in my electric fireplace went out and it needs changing (too heavy for me to get to it) it’s the bulb that makes the flame bounce ( La-Z-Boy wants to charge $80.00 bucks to come out and do it – the bulb costs $10.00). . .

Solutions:

Plumber is coming out on Tuesday

Carpet cleaner is coming on Thursday

I’m still looking for a handyman – if you live in the Phoenix area and are handy and want a job – call me – I would consider college kids (I’d feed them – they eat anything)

A new 12-cup coffee maker will arrive on Tuesday – I love Amazon’s two-day delivery (never again will I buy a single cup coffee maker – good-bye Keurig – I have some single K-cups - they're free)

I’m still thinking about the refrigerator and dishwasher – maybe I should just get new kitchen appliances (frig, stove & microwave, dishwasher) and try to save money

I thought about taking a mini-vacation before the end of the year but maybe I shouldn’t!

Oh, I almost forgot – Monday – I have a pre-surgery Primary doctor appointment, Wednesday I go for blood work and an x-ray – again pre-surgery stuff, and my landscapers are coming this week also

There are times I get angry with Jim for dying – I need him – it’s just not fair. I can’t climb ladders for fear of falling – it sucks when you live alone – I wear a Life Alert button (because of my heart failure) but I’ll be darned if I’ll call and tell them “help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”

[iPraiseHim]

Enna,

You have much going on and if I was closer I would come clean your home.  My suggestions:

My thermistor(igniter) on my stove went out (5th one) and GE no longer makes a part so I researched and found a counter top oven/convection which was  much less expensive than a new stove/oven.

- On your dishwasher, you should be able to buy the slide-out trays.  www.applianceparts.com   ( need make and model number)  Mine were rusted and some broke off, too!

* Please get your cataracts fixed. My sister waited for over a year and the doctors said if she had waited too much longer then her eyesight may not have been repairable.

* Recommend to go ahead and take the mini-vaca.  Life is too short.  I have had similar issues with lost revenue this month.  But the more I think about it, the more I realize that life is just going to happen any way.  We need times to just get away and unplug from the everyday life routine. I still plan on going in a couple of weeks.

** Contact your local church, community outreach, local leaders, city council, mayor, etc...  and ask for help.  You do not have to belong or be faithful.  There are people who want to help you and just don't know how to contact you.  There are a lot of kind people who would like to help. " We don't have because we don't ask. "

There are resources and people to help. You would be blessing them with work to serve your needs.  The will be a day when I will not be able to do and I will humbly myself to ask others to help.  Love is shared not stored. - Shalom George

 

[enna]

Thanks, George. I ordered both the upper and lower dish racks for the dishwasher. I chatted with the online person and he gave me the information I needed.

I'll wait on a new dishwasher. I have my eye appointment on the 1st of November. I will get a handyman to do the odd jobs I have around the house. It's all part of owning a home. How thoughtful of you to offer your services to clean. 

The vacation will have to wait a while since I have a surgery date set and I will have to give time to heal. I'm due for a break! I just miss my Jim. 

Love the saying "Love is shared not stored" ~ I'll remember to use it as a mantra.  Peace back at you. Anne

[kayc]

Oh Anne, when it rains it pours!  My home is in need of all kinds of things too...back of garage needs replaced, shed needs taken down, new patio roof needs replaced (don't get me started on that one!), house needs painted, gutters need cleaned again...my problem is lack of $ and no decent local contractors.  (Found that one out the hard way!)  And today my truck won't start.  I was feeling pretty down with the storm predictions and facing it alone.  It hasn't helped that I haven't slept much this week, keep having nightmares about my dog dying, you can tell that's weighing heavily on my mind.  I keep trying to turn my worries over to the Lord but it seems it's a continual work in progress!

Thinking of you with your upcoming surgery and praying all goes well for you.

[enna]

Here I go again. Those anniversaries, birthdays and holidays come every year! This season brings triggers just like the last four. Thanksgiving used to be such a happy time. The family loved the meal preparation. There were always eight to twelve people around the table during those last days of Jim’s life. We always invited at least one or two people who didn’t have family to join us. The only requirement was to bring a dish that was meaningful to them. Most Thanksgivings we had dishes that left us wondering just what the meaning behind the dish was. Today, four years later most people are busy with their own families. Dinner has been downsized to only two and sometimes four family members/friends now. I try to pretend that it still matters. After all ~ it’s about being thankful. It’s a choice you have to make.

My birthday is just another day now. It comes at the beginning of December. I cannot believe that I soon will have five birthdays without my Jim. I stay quiet in my own home trying to pretend that it’s just another day. Maybe I’ll get a call or two but that is all. No invite to dinner. No birthday cake unless I bake one for myself. Another year has passed and the one I want to help me celebrate is gone. He is not here to tell me that he loves me and is so glad that we are together.  My forever best friends are all gone now. I still have a few friends and we breathe a sigh of relief each year when our birthdays come around. I look forward to their cards and emails and calls. 

My wedding anniversary comes on the 17^th of December. It is a day that brings me the most sadness. We were so blessed and so happy. Forty years was so short. I would gladly have taken forty more. 

Holidays are very hard. I have tried to do something different each

Thanksgiving/Christmas. I celebrate Christmas but it is not the same. How can it be! The New Year comes around every year. It is not always a HAPPY New Year. 

I don’t care how hard you try it is just not the same. When you have lost the love of your life your entire world is different. It is just different. I am grateful for the good memories I have and choose to focus of those. It did not happen in the first or second or even third years after Jim’s death. Not every day is a good day but there are more good days than not so good days. I think it is what happens when you do your “grief work.” 

The heavens are thundering ~ the CUBS made it to the World Series (game 7) ~ Jim is jumping for joy somewhere in our universe ~ Oh, I wish he were here to celebrate with me ~ he has been a life-long CUBS fan ~ I can't watch the ending (6 - 6 ) ~ I'm wearing mittens so I don't chew off my fingers!  CUBS Win, CUBS Win. 

[MartyT]

Oh Anne! I'm so tickled for you (and Bill's Mary, too) to learn that Jim's CUBS have won the World Series, and I hope their victory gives you some measure of joy to hold in your heart, if only for a little while. I know the holidays are hard, and my heart hurts for all of us as we find our own ways to navigate through these next few weeks . . .