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Changes I'm Making


enna

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9 hours ago, enna said:

I don’t care how hard you try it is just not the same. When you have lost the love of your life your entire world is different.

Man, that is a for sure!

9 hours ago, enna said:

I am grateful for the good memories I have and choose to focus of those

It IS a choice and sometimes it's hard and sometimes I'm not always good at it, but I keep trying anyway.

 

GO CUBS!! :D

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I post in case it helps just one person. I like making lists.

This Time of Year

You would think that I’ve learned something on this grief journey but each year about this time I have those moments ~ not as often as before but still they are there.

It has been a long year with its ups and downs. I am surprised I’m still standing. Sometimes I am on my knees or flat on the earth. Holidays are not easy. Holidays bring a certain sadness knowing that the one I love is not returning. I have made a list of good and not so good things to remember.

                                  Good                                                            Not so Good

A third grandchild in my life was born

I haven’t been able to hold her yet due to illness and travel restrictions

Made it through a record HOT summer

Air conditioner stayed on through Oct.

Rejoiced with a friend and her new puppy

I’m still not ready after losing my Benji

Completed End-of-Life Doula training

Haven’t been able to take advantage of it yet due to health issues

Completed first of two surgeries

Still need the second one

Was able to save a capped tooth that fell out

Might have to be recapped if it falls out again

No change in a year – eye surgery can wait

Doctor said I’ll need cataract surgery later

My car is still running

Spent another $500.00 again for repairs

Purchased a new frig.

Set me back $1400.00

Plumbers replaced 2 bathroom faucets and a kitchen faucet

Spent more for labor than parts

My grand dog stayed with me for a week while his parents went on vacation

He was DX with vascular cancer ~ poor baby ~ he had a tumor removed on his leg ~ he is OK for now

My heart doctor doesn’t want to see me for six months after seeing him for four months in a row

Cholesterol too high as is my AC1 – we are watching both! Too much pasta and sugar this summer ~ retest in three months

My lemon tree is bursting with lemons

Watching why some are falling off the tree!

Rabbits are sitting on my patio waiting for lettuce or carrots

What have I done!

Participated in a wonderful art auction for our forum

Can’t think of anything negative

Working on hosting a Thanksgiving Dinner

I won’t be able to cook due to my upcoming surgery

Having family for the holidays

Don’t really feel like celebrating!

Meeting with a forum friend for lunch here in my community on Nov. 5th

Can’t think of anything negative

All set for surgery on the 15th of Nov.

It was postponed once ~ hope it’s a go this time ~ saw my surgeon today

Our heat wave has ended until May

Hope I’ll not have to switch to the furnace too soon!

Fire pit is ready to go

Nothing negative about that

A rainfall today that made me smile

J

CUBS win! CUBS win the World Series

J  J 

 

 

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Anne, I love your list...this is something all of us could do as we reflect back.  For me, I'd start my list three years ago when I retired (or lost my job, forcing the issue).  Or eleven years ago when George died.  It is amazing what we have lived through!  Some of it is just everyday stuff, but some of it is pretty major!  And we've made it through it.  Some of it was really hard.  Some of it we can feel pretty triumphant about!  All of it is part of our life's experience on our own.  And considering, the day they died, we didn't see how we could go on without them...well, we've been doing it.  It's not like it was before, it never will be.  We don't have the same degree of happiness that we did then.  But we do have some good stuff in our lives!  And some not-so-good, but look how we're doing!!!

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Thank you, Kay, for your response to my list. I know we can all make lists and there would be a plus side and a negative side. I think when we are in the throws of grief we usually only see the negative. It takes time to get over the shock of our loss. And it takes that “grief work” that we hear so much about. The missing of a loved one is always there but something does happen when we move into our grief and allow it to be with us ~ not judging it, not blaming ourselves for what we could or should have done but to let tears fall or not, to feel what our hearts are telling us at the moment. I love my cyber friends because they do know what grief is and when they can sit with me and not try to wave my grief off then my grief is tolerable.

When I started thinking about this I just knew there had to be some good in my life and it helped me to write things down. I have a dry erase board that I use now and each day I write down a few things that I am grateful for. There is always something to be grateful for. I find nature to be a comfort to me. I read and do my coloring.  I make myself get out and go to lunch with friends (even though I’m more comfortable alone). I volunteer. I meditate. Using FaceTime,  I can spend time with my family who is in another state. As I do all of this in my daily life I always miss Jim. Some days I am OK and other days I am not. I talk to him and even ask his opinion on things. Most people would not understand this but those of us who have lost a significant other do understand. We go about our daily lives because we are here and that is how it is. Losses cannot be compared ~ each loss is unique ~ we can see this by the number of threads we have on our forum. I like the idea of threads because it reminds me that we are all tied together just like thread used in making a blanket holds that blanket together so does our support for one another keeps us close.

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I am a born list maker so it really spoke to me.  It does help to list it out and put the plus side as well as the negative.  We don't need help seeing the negative but sometimes we have to work harder at seeing the positive side of things.  And it helps to see it in black and white.

As well as good & bad things happening, there is also the plus side or benefits of having experienced this grief journey...developing compassion, stretching ourselves, growing strength, so much more!  It's easy to think life is wonderful when it's all going your way, but it takes more exercise to see it when things are rough, yet we can do just that.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I am calling on some extra thoughts and prayers for my sweet granddog, Fred, who will have surgery on Wednesday for ligament damage to one of his back legs. He just had a cancerous tumor removed from his other back leg and the vet said he needs this surgery or he could end up not being ambulatory! He is so sweet. He is a thirteen-year-old Beagle and so very wise. 

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Oh Anne, you've got it!  Will be in prayer for Fred on Wednesday.  Let us know how it goes, okay?

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Update on my grand dog, Fred.  His visit with the vet went well after his surgery. The big dressing came off and now the air can get to the wound. It goes the length of his back leg! He was not eating and he became nauseous due to the medicine he was taking. The vet took him off of all drugs and gave him one antibiotic shot. I hope he will eat something soon. It hurts to see him in such discomfort. He is such a gentle soul. He is peeing now and has to be kept quiet for three to four weeks!  I just don’t want him to be in pain! He doesn’t seem to mind the cone he has to wear but I wish he didn’t have to wear it.

Christmas will be at my home this year. We are sharing the food preparation. I will have a small group of six family members only.  Of course, Fred will be with us. I can manage that.  I do this because it makes me reach out to others and takes me out of the focus of myself!  I could not do this the first few years of Jim’s death. I am also volunteering for a few hours to prepare dinners for one of our wheels on meals organization. 

I have AZ sweet oranges and lemons that have to be picked and given to family and some neighbors.  The trees are producing way too much fruit for me. I love fresh squeezed orange juice and I freeze lemon juice to use for baking.  

I am making a mixture of what I call Nut Brittle to give as gifts this year.  Here’s the recipe if you wish to try it:

Nut Brittle

Ingredients

2 cups sugar

1/2 cup water

1 stick unsalted butter

1/3 cup light corn syrup

½  teaspoon baking soda

12 ounces mixed nuts - roasted, salted cashews, pecans, macadamia, pistachios

Fleur de sel ( a fine sea salt) 

Directions

In a large saucepan, combine sugar, water, butter, and corn syrup and bring to a boil.  Cook over moderately high heat, stirring occasionally until the caramel is light brown and registers 300 degrees on a candy thermometer – about 10 minutes.

Remove from the heat and carefully stir in the baking soda.  The mixture will bubble.  Stir in the nuts, then immediately scrape the brittle onto a large rimmed, nonstick baking sheet.  Working quickly, use the back of a large spoon (oil it if it sticks) and spread the brittle into a thin, even layer.  Immediately sprinkle with sea salt.  Let cool completely, about 30 minutes.  Break into pieces.

Makes about 2 pounds.  You’ll need a lot – folks love this!

 

holiday candy boxes.jpg

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I was just wondering about Fred when I saw your post!  It's as if you read my mind. :)  I'm glad to hear he's recovering and the surgery went well.  Poor little Fred!  I'm sure he loves coming to grandma's.  It's nice that you have him close by, I miss my granddoggy, Skye.  They are always in our hearts no matter how much time passes...
You are a sweetheart to volunteer.  Our meals on wheels is connected with our senior site where I help...I don't do food preparation or deliveries, but I set up and take down the bingo tables because it involves heavy lifting and energy, which most there do not have.  We appreciate all of our volunteers, without which we could not put this on!
I hope your Christmas get together at your house goes well.  I miss having family and friends up, it's been years since I used to host everything, but they all have their own lives now and everything has changed.  I may go to the museum's dinner with my neighbor, just to get out and not be alone all day on Christmas.  Besides, without a truck to get around in the snow and without being able to drive at night, it's hard to go to my family's and I don't want to ask someone to take care of Arlie on Christmas, esp. when they're alone themselves.  So we'll get through this.

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Last night I spent almost two hours with a driving instructor, sort of as an evaluation...more as a confidence booster.  I had to stop because my widow brain was beginning to shut down and could no longer focus, but I did manage to parallel park 4 times.  I was even doing it in my head when I laid down to bed last night.  I felt good about myself and ready to go and take my test, which I scheduled for 12/30.  I am still not wanting to be a participant in the holiday season, but my mother-in-law had a Christmas wreath with cardinals made and came and hung it on my door. (It's coming down 01/02).  I am making plans with a friend to go and see "Collateral Beauty" this weekend. Ever since I saw the trailer, I knew I wanted to see it...like I NEED to see it.  This morning I had to put out some heavy trash, something that Mark used to do.  Lots of swinging emotions going on...laughing hysterically at a hula lady on my friends dashboard, to feeling a rush of sadness thinking about how  badly I am missing Mark and dealing with it being two years since I have seen him, touched him, talked with him.  It feels like so much going on...like my life is beginning to hit hyper-speed.  At this moment I would rather be home with the fur babes than trying to do my job.  

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It sounds like you're on a pendulum swing!  Such a lot of emotions, highs and lows we can hit.

Good luck with your driving test!  I'm sure you'll do well, just like you do in your job. ;)

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Today would be my 44th year wedding anniversary. I miss my Jim.  As in years past we would be enjoying a quiet dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. I had so many celebrations during the month of December and the one I treasured most was always our wedding anniversary.  It was ours to celebrate. I never understood the love Jim had for me. He told me so many times that I was the miracle in his life. I made his life complete. We were not perfect in our years together but we always felt a comfort in knowing that we would be there for one another ~ no matter what. We came from a generation that talked out our differences. We did not always agree but we managed to find a common ground. I always felt comfort in his presence. Today is my fifth wedding anniversary since he died. There have been times when I felt his presence as I struggled to live without his physicality in my life. He has a new grandchild. I have taken on a new part-time career as a certified death doula ~ quite different from my decades of teaching. I am a certified Hospice of America volunteer.  There are many memories flooding my soul today. I still talk to Jim and ask him to guide me in decisions I make. I don’t tell too many people this for we are so judgmental in our understanding of death and what happens after we take our last breath. I think Jim would be proud of what I have done these past five years.  He knows how hard it has been for me to carry on without him by my side. Acceptance of his death did not come without work. It takes work to live without your soul mate.  There have been days that I didn’t think I could take another breath. The death of my Jim was almost more than I could bear. I learned to sit with my grief and allow all the feelings to come and go.  I learned about what is normal in grief by reading everything I could find. I learned to dose my grief because if I didn’t I would surely have died from the unimaginable pain that swept over me. I also know that I will grieve for Jim until I take my last breath but it does not mean that I can’t be grateful for what I still have. It’s a choice we make. 

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Dear Anne...

I understand every word you wrote here. I am still learning how to dose my grief. I am sure Jim is so proud of all you have done without him.  That is not to say he isn't around. I am sure they are missing us as much as we are missing them. Soul connections will never be broken. If I was there, I would give you a hug...

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Anne,

You are truly remarkable!  I did not know you were a death doula, in addition to all of the other things you do and give to others.  I am proud to call you my friend!  Yes, Jim would be proud, as he always was, I am sure.  How can I know?  Because I know YOU and I am proud of you.
This year I had my 12th anniversary without George.  I think of it as a remembrance of the happiest day of my life, along with the birth of my children.  I so agree with your last statement:
 

11 hours ago, enna said:

it does not mean that I can’t be grateful for what I still have. It’s a choice we make. 

 

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Thank you, Maryann. And I take all the hugs I can get. 

Kay, I think both you and I know the value of this forum. I was so happy to hear that your daughter is expecting and that you had time with your son when he visited this last time. 

I have tried to keep myself busy as I learn to live this new life. The certification I have as a death doula is volunteer only. There are three stages to go through and the third stage is for those who are making it a career. I did not take the third part for it required a full time paid job working with organizations. My part is very limited in that if I become aware of someone who is near death and they or their family want someone to be with them then I will visit the family and let them know I will be available. I have not branched outside of the community I live in but I am hoping to visit some nearby assisted living facilities in 2017. At least that is my intention.  

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I have been asked to lead a grief support group at my church, we've had a number of deaths lately.  It's not meant to take the place of grief counseling, which I will recommend, but a place for people to be heard and understood, and maybe share how they're handling things.  I know the things to say or not to say, so I see myself more in the role of facilitator and listener.

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Based on your years of experience on our site, dear Kay, I think you are more than qualified to lead a grief support group at your church. If you want to do a bit of reading on the topic, here are the books I've read myself and personally recommend:

Support Group Manual: A Session-by-Session Guide by Harriet Sarnoff-Schiff

The Understanding Your Grief Support Group Guide: Starting and Leading a Grief Support Group by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD

Death and Grief: Healing through Group Support by Harold Ivan Smith

Guiding People through Grief: How to Start and Lead Bereavement Support Groups by William G. Hoy

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Thank you for that, Marty.  I probably won't start until February as January is a super busy month for Treasurers, I practically live at the church in January.  :wacko:

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  • 2 weeks later...

It is time for me to return to work after a long New Year's break...and it feels like a whole new world for me.  My world changed when I passed my driving test. It is still hugely overwhelming...and adds some additional pressure, but in a good way.  I feel more confident, and know that Mark rides along with me.  His jacket sits in the front seat.  The morning I prepared to take my test, I asked him to please be with me.  When I was preparing to pull out of the driveway, his clip on sunglasses jumped from the visor and bopped me in the forehead...his little way of letting me know it was going to be fine.  I had taken a couple short little jaunts, taking advantage of the sparse traffic.  It feels good. Only those people who are close to me know how big a step this is for me.  I just wanted to end 2016 on a very big up note.  Know that when you make big changes, our loved ones are there with us, and are so proud of all we are doing.

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Maryann, I hear and feel your positive confidence exuding from your post!  I am so glad for you, yay!!

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