Changes I'm Making

[enna]

You know me and chocolate, Marty. I can never get enough of it.  I do like other desserts but chocolate stands alone. 

 

[kayc]

Your granddaughter is certainly adorable, Anne!  Did someone make her that outfit?  so cute!

What you are doing is wonderful.  Our pastor's wife has to work fulltime and commute like I used to, but she's been seeing the need for visiting people who need it, but with her schedule, isn't able to, but she found someone else willing.  I can't commit to something like that because my schedule is already pretty full, but if it ever lightens...

[enna]

As I continue to move forward on my journey I am taking another 'At-Home-Retreat' day ~ this is an opportunity for me to do something for me. I have been planning this for a few weeks now and decided that Thursday, the 15th will be the day I set aside the entire day to renew my soul.  If interested in learning about my 'At-Home-Retreat' I have attached a PDF that I will be following. I am five years into my grief journey and I have found myself going down many different paths. It did not happen in the beginning but it is now. What seemed a dark and despairing time, in the beginning, is opening new hope for me today. The one thing that we learn on this grief journey is that it takes work. There is hope after loss. We are strong and resilient. Those early in their grief do not want to hear this right now but later you might want to know that after a storm comes a rainbow. I still journal today and always find something someone has written to encourage me to live the fullest I know how. 

 

AIL-Day-Long-Meditation-Retreats-At-Home-v1.0-1.pdf

[kayc]

Thank you, I've saved that!

[enna]

I am closing this chapter of my journey.  I so appreciate those who supported me and I will keep the posts open for anyone who may want to read them. 

[enna]

Peace and Stillness in Your Hearts

May 2018 bring new beginnings to you.

May kindness spin all around you in the form of confetti. 

May what you think bring you joy.

May your heartaches not be as numerous as 2017.

And as you enter into a new year may you be grateful for all that you have.

Patience

Energy

Awakenings

Confidence

Evolving

Let go of envy.

Let go of negativity.

Let go of anything that does not serve you.

Just allow what is to Be Enough.

Focus on good intentions.

Focus on a passion that you can live with.

Focus on serving others as it combats loneliness.

Focus on good self-care.

Read daily for Reading is Knowledge.

Step into worlds that widen your understanding of other cultures.

Listen to music for I believe it is music that brings you closer to your soul.

Forgive yourself.

Work in your gardens.

Love animals.

Laugh each day for it is healthy to do so.

Rid yourself of clutter ~ for we all have too much stuff.

And do eat chocolate.

[enna]

Remembering…as

May 25, 2018 approaches

Me After Six Years

“A healer does not heal you.

A healer

is someone who

holds space for

you while you awaken

so that you may heal yourself.”  

~ Maryam Hasnaa

 

I am in a better place today than I was on May 25^th, 2012.  It has not been an easy journey and I know it is an ongoing one.  Just because I have days that I actually smile and feel light-hearted does not mean that my life without Jim is OK.  I continue to miss him.  Every day things come up and I wish Jim were here to help me.  The small things are the hardest for me now when trying to cope.  I have needed to reach out for help on things that Jim would have been able to take care of so easily.  Changing light bulbs, replacing the A/C filters, cleaning ceiling fans, changing batteries in the smoke detectors, hooking up cables for TVs and computers, taking the air vents down and cleaning them, taking sunscreens down or putting them up for the summer months, lifting heavy things, and so many other things that need tended to as one cares for a home. 

But this is not the purpose of this reflection for that was not who Jim was.  He was more than someone who took care of things.  He was thoughtful and caring. He was my soul mate for forty years. He was a loving father and grandfather.  I could go on and on and perhaps one day I will write more about Jim but today I want to talk about asking for help if you need it.

Asking for help takes courage.  People don’t just show up and do things for you so it’s necessary to ask.  I never expect to have these things done for free either but I’m so grateful when someone does change a light bulb or A/C filter and refuse payment ~ cookies and milk are always appreciated.  In those first years, I found myself feeling sorry for myself because I just thought that others would know that I needed help to get some work done.  I would take part in my own ‘pity party’ and spend days blaming others for their thoughtlessness.  It got me nowhere.  So I decided to make a list of things I could no longer do and looked for people who were handy in those many areas.  I live in an active adult community with mostly retired people and we have an e-group that allows us to talk to each other in a closed social media setting.  Word of mouth is a great way to find out who can do what.  When I started my list I bulleted it into different categories and before I knew it I had handymen, tree trimmers, landscapers, window washers, cleaning people, drivers, and even house watchers if I had to go out of state.  Asking for help is not a weakness.  My desire is to remain in my home for as long as I can and with the right people around me, I think it will be possible.

I continue to be grateful to everyone for their loving support over the years for I would not be where I am today without all the support.  I have special people who have nudged me on as I stumbled in this unfamiliar territory of living without my Jim.  I remain grateful to Marty for making a safe place for us to come so we are not alone.  She has been a continued guiding light and has always been with me on my journey.  I am inspired by all the ‘gems’ she finds for us.  I have not been left alone, as I had been promised.  I’m still learning how to navigate this grief.  Those of you who are in early pain allow it to happen, don’t push it away.  Lean on those who come here and know that one day, you will not hurt as you do today.  The pain will always be there only not as intense.

Grief is hard work.  Many knowledgeable people say it doesn’t matter how long it has been if we don’t tend to our grief we do not get anywhere.  If we only do one or two months of grief work over many years we are really only one or two months into our journey.  Our mourning is never over but we do learn to carry it with us as we live the best we know how.    

I look back over the last six years and I can say, “Hey Anne, you are doing OK on most days.  Give yourself a pat on the back or better yet treat yourself to a dish of chocolate ice cream or a piece of dark chocolate fudge or a chocolate donut or a chocolate Dove bar.”  Focusing on the positive helps me move through my grief.  It still remains a choice for me and I really am grateful for each day.

One last thing before I close ~ those of you who have followed me know I had many health issues early on in my grief.  Most of them have been resolved.  I still have heart failure (after two years I can say that it is managed), my other health issues sometimes flair up but I don’t panic when they do.  My health is only one part of who I am.  I am very much into holistic healing and shy away from any diagnostic tests that doctors want to put me through.  At 75 years young I don’t need to be spending all my time in a doctor’s office. I will continue to use physical therapy when needed for my spinal issues and arthritis but I have said NO to tests that are just looking for something!  I frown on prescribed medications and only allow them in my body if there is nothing else for me to use.  The first few years after Jim died I grazed and almost never sat at the table to eat.  Today I am very conscious of the foods I eat and for most meals, I do sit at the table or out on the patio if weather permits. It’s a conscious choice for me. Chocolate, licorice, popcorn, Cheetos, and nuts are still my go-to snacks. And I always have fresh cut veggies in the refrigerator, too.  I have always been conscious of eating healthily but lost my way for a few years.

Most of my hobbies have not changed.  I listen to music. I read and spend time in my yard and I do my coloring. I am still addicted to Pinterest ~ it relaxes me.  I try to take part in at least one new activity twice a year.  We have a wonderful arts & craft center that offers many creative opportunities and it is a chance to get out with other people.  I do not use the fitness center as I need to but maybe that will change!  I like to cook and often add some of Jim’s favorite foods to my menus when having friends over.  Sometimes I bake banana nut bread, pineapple upside down cake, chocolate brownies, and anything with apples because those were some of Jim’s favorite desserts.  I don’t eat all of these things but I do take them to the people who helped us out when Jim was still with me.  We gained the friendship of many folks during my five years of caring for Jim. I continue to be a volunteer as I am able. I am a Unit Coordinator here in my community. A Unit coordinator is~ a Kare bear (our name) volunteer who greets new residents, visits the sick and brings them small gifts if they were hospitalized, tend to families who have lost a loved one by offering comfort, bringing food trays if families are having a gathering after the death of their loved one and helping the family with a death notice and any other paperwork ~ plus many other things.  

Last week I was surprised with a recognition pin for my past ten years of volunteering as a Kare bear coordinator.  It is nice to be appreciated.  I didn’t even realize it had been ten years!  I continue to visit those who are in their last months or days of life if they request it.  I am an end-of-life doula volunteer and I like this part of my life now.  As a certified volunteer member of Hospice Foundation of America, I do what I am able to do as a volunteer.  Volunteering is a part of my healing. 

As I focus on taking care of my physical, mental and spiritual needs I now spend more time in the outdoors, I continue to journal and meditate.  Visiting Tools for Healing and Marty’s Grief Healing Blog on our grief healing discussion groups website gives me solid information to continue my grief journey. I know that the roller coaster ride will continue to have its rough spots but the ride doesn’t scare me like it did in early grief.

I am only one of the thousands who are on this grief path ~ my way is just that ~ my way.  Others will find their own path.  If you reach out you will not walk your journey alone.  And remember, asking is not admitting defeat rather it is showing strength.

[MartyT]

You are (and have always been) one of the most beautiful flowers in our garden, dearest Anne. Blessings to you, and thank you for this ❤️

[kayc]

Anne,

It's hard to believe it's been that long we've been on this journey together.  But to you I realize it seems probably both yesterday and forever at the same time, for that's what my journey seems like to me...I hardly remember a time when grief was not in my life.

You, like myself, have learned much through this journey.  We've both tried to focus on the positive.  We've both learned to tend to ourselves and meet our needs, whether it be healthy eating, asking for help when we need it, or finding the nearest bar of chocolate.    Your journey and my journey are unique to us.  We've both found what feeds us, whether it be people or music or art.  We continue to find beauty in life.  

I like what you've shared, it's a beautiful synopsis of some of what you've learned.  It's also a reminder to those fresher in this journey that life is not over...just life as we knew it.  It's up to us to discover what we can do to make it livable and good.

I also like how you hadn't noticed it'd been ten years you've been Kare Bear Coordinator.  That's because you weren't doing it for recognition, you were doing something you find meaningful and enjoy.  And that's just how you are, selfless and giving.  Let me add that those of us here that know you...love you!

[enna]

Thank You, Marty and Kay.  I appreciate your kind words.  I know how important it is to share our journeys not only to see where we are but to offer hope to those who may not see any hope right now.  💜

[KATPILOT]

Anne you have always been an inspiration to us all and a mentor to me. I connect with so much you have said and feel somewhat the same yet I certainly did not feel like this just a few short years ago. Time has a way to soften our pain yet it can never remove it. Not a single day goes by that Patty and I do not feel a sad moment creep in but as Kathy always said "It is what it is". 

I always hated that phrase. It was "not a good answer", but I think I get it now. It is as simple as it can be. It fits when there is no alternative. We think we can change things but sometimes they just can't be changed. So I think you are a true optimist dear lady. You found a way to make some good of the worst of things and there is nothing worse than losing your soul mate. 

Thank you always for being there when we need a little inspiration

[enna]

Hello, dear friend,

Thank you for taking time to respond to my post, Steve.  I think you and I have been very fortunate in many ways.  Our journey began with excellent grief counselors from HOV.  I know you understand how important it is to reach out and ask for help in our grief journeys.  I for one would never have understood what it meant to tend to my grief if it hadn’t been for my grief counselor and this forum. 

I love that we were able to connect living here in AZ and having you and your Patty visit me here in my home.  And when I am able to travel I still have to eat at Maui Pasta.  Give my love to Patty. 

[enna]

A FREE 10-day program - Waking UP in the World begins today.

Excellent so far - Each day is available for 24hrs after the talks. I've committed to the ten days. Part of my healing.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Good for you Anne.  I'm amazed at how diligent you are in self-care. ❤️

[enna]

Something a few of us are doing as a continued part of our grief journey.

The book is by Jan Warner and it is called Grief Day by Day: Simple Practices and Daily Guidance for Living with Loss. I share it here only as one way (a ritual)  to cope with day to day living with the loss of someone or our fur babies.

It is another way to honor our pain. I do not suggest this for those in the first years of loss. Just like there is no wrong way to grieve so is there no wrong way to use this book. 

Take a look inside and see if it might be something you’d be interested in…This book might also be added to our Grief Bibliographies, Marty.

[MartyT]

5 hours ago, enna said:

This book might also be added to our Grief Bibliographies, Marty.

 

 

Done! Thank you, Anne ♥️

[enna]

January 5, 2019

As a caregiver for my beloved Jim for five years, one important thing I learned during that time was the importance of caring for self.  I think that part of healing has to do with self-care and this is what I'm doing for the New Year.  I just came off of a stay at home Retreat and decided to prepare a Self-Care basket that I can go to when I need a day to focus on myself.  This did not happen to me in my first years of loss but we change and for me, today I like to focus on doing something for myself.

My Self-Care Basket for 2019

Gifting myself a day of self-care ~ suggestions for my basket (items can be changed)

***Drink more lemon water that day, or buy fresh flowers for the day, schedule naptime, have a self-love affirmations list to recite throughout the day: I accept all compliments, I let go of all negative talk, I accept myself for who I am, I will treat myself with kindness, I will stop apologizing for who I am…

Something Physical

Massage oils (I like eucalyptus oil and tea extract), a yoga DVD, facial mask supplies, Epsom salts for a bath, take a walk in nature, spend time in your garden, go for a swim, treat self to a manicure/pedicure, find a reason to laugh

Something Emotional

Journal/pen, tissues, add a movie you’ve already seen or one you want to watch to your basket, listen to music from a playlist you created, create an art piece to express your emotion     

Something Spiritual

Meditations or articles from my Pinterest boards, do a random act of kindness, read a favorite book, listen to inspirational talks, listen to music, breathe, listen to a podcast or TED talks: ‘Body Language’ by Amy Cuddy and ‘The Power of Introverts’ by Susan Cain are two talks I listened to on my stay at home Retreat (the Internet has many TED talks that inspire)

Something Sensory

Stress ball, scented candle, soft blanket or fuzzy socks, a pleasure reading book (I like Mary Oliver’s book Dog Songs), drink herbal tea, listen to music, and eat chocolate

Something Social

Send a card to a special person, write a letter to someone you haven’t heard from for a while, call or text a friend, spend time with an animal and if you do not have a pet perhaps you could visit a shelter, write a letter to yourself complimenting yourself for something you did, go to lunch with friends, be proactive, not reactive to situations

Notes to self:

       In the evening make a plan for the next day

·      Have a routine – streamlines daily processes

·      Have a style of dress (I like scarves and add them to my wardrobe)

·      Check your emails or texts and respond sooner rather than later

·      Keep your space neat – less clutter

·      List things that you are grateful for that day

·      Define what gives you stress

[MartyT]

I love this, Anne. May I have your permission to reprint it in our "Voices of Experience" series on the GH Blog? 

[enna]

Yes, Marty.  My thinking about this is if it helps one person that is enough.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I love your thoughts here Anne.  You have a great heart and mind.

All I have to do is think I am worth the effort now.  Today was 3 years since the colour left my life.  Missing my man terribly.

[kayc]

I like that too!  But my "style of dress" is jeans since I retired, LOL!  I like having this list, helps us think of things.  I'd add food to that.  A lot of times people don't think about cooking for themselves as a way of self-care...we make something wonderful for others but it's important to realize our own value and worth and know that WE are worth it too!

Fast food and chips is not self-care, regardless of how easy or tasteful it might be.  I have a friend who is 75, never married, and he fixed himself lobster on New Year's.  

With your permission, Anne, I'd like to save this for my grief support group.  I love the way you've laid it out here.

[enna]

13 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I love your thoughts here Anne.  You have a great heart and mind.

All I have to do is think I am worth the effort now.  Today was 3 years since the colour left my life.  Missing my man terribly.

Thank you, Marita.  I can only imagine how much you miss your Gord.  You are still very early in your grief.  One day without even thinking about it a splash of color will appear even for a moment and your heart will feel a little bit lighter.  You will always miss Gord. 💜

[enna]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

I like that too!  But my "style of dress" is jeans since I retired, LOL!  I like having this list, helps us think of things.  I'd add food to that.  A lot of times people don't think about cooking for themselves as a way of self-care...we make something wonderful for others but it's important to realize our own value and worth and know that WE are worth it too!

Fast food and chips is not self-care, regardless of how easy or tasteful it might be.  I have a friend who is 75, never married, and he fixed himself lobster on New Year's.  

With your permission, Anne, I'd like to save this for my grief support group.  I love the way you've laid it out here.

I so agree with you, Kay, about food.  I still love to cook and I always make something that I like. This holiday I made my lasagna because it is one of the dishes that I particularly like.  Thank goodness I had a few people to help me share it because I always make too much.  I also make a pistachio bundt cake that is to die for.  If you like pound cake you would like my cake.

I'm glad you have your own style of dress, Kay.  I have my own comfortable clothes when I'm staying in. I never wear shoes in the house unless I go into the garage! 🙂

[Froggie4635]

Anne,

We have developed this special bond....and I always look to your warm words of wisdom and care.  I will come back to this post when it seems I need a little nudge to get back on track when I find myself straying a bit from my journey.

Maryann

[enna]

Thank you, Maryann, for your kind words.  Yes, we have found a way to move through our losses and that is why I find this forum to be so important to keep open.  I am so happy that you are finding new ways to live your life as you always keep your Mark close to your heart. I believe that there is a way to find happiness after a great loss because our hearts expand to allow for this.

💜