Am I Acting Out? What The Heck Is Happening?

[sharirouse]

I feel like I am trying to push all of my attention onto something else because I dont know how to let my grief out. I feel so lost.

I have a crush on a guy in one of my classes and I feel like I am putting all of my attention into it and I know its because I dont want to think about the fact that my dad is gone. I know its only been two months and I am still numb. I feel frozen to be honest.

How do I get out of it? I know that if I get rejected, which I will because I am NOT in a state to date anyone, I will be lost because I wont have anything else to focus on and Ill have to go back to thinking about the fact that my dad is gone. I dont want to say Im avoiding it because I address it everyday but I AM SO ALONE.

I think thats why I want to date someone. Im lonely and I lost the most important man to me.

I was accepted into my program at my University and it is highly competitive, only 6-12 people get in and I got in! I know he would be so proud but I cant hear his response. I cant hear the happiness in his voice. Im so upset that hes gone and I want him back and that makes me guilty because he suffered until his last breath. My 73 yr old aunt told me that she has never seen someone suffer like that.

I feel like Im acting out and its weird. Im lost and I just want to crawl under a rock and stay there.

[MartyT]

Shari, my dear, you indicated in another post that you intend to begin working with a grief counselor. Has that happened yet? You have the insight to recognize your need to be understood, supported and listened to, and you know that expecting all of that from a new boyfriend isn't realistic. I think the only way you will feel less alone in your grief is to begin working with a grief counselor. Right now you're working so hard to avoid thinking about your dad and how much you miss him ~ Think of all the energy it takes to do that! The loneliness you feel stems from the fact that you are in mourning and you have no one to turn to for support.

You said, "I feel like I am trying to push all of my attention onto something else because I dont know how to let my grief out. I feel so lost." A counselor will be able to help you to find your way and focus on what is bothering you, so you can safely "let your grief out." Once you establish a therapeutic relationship with an in-person bereavement counselor, that feeling of being lost and alone will go away.

[kayc]

Shari,

I really don't have anything to add to Marty's response except you're aware that the reason you're crushing on this guy is because you miss your dad and don't want to think about it and you're lonely. You already know those aren't good reasons to start a relationship and you may not be in a ready state for that anyway...I wouldn't want to mess with anyone if I wasn't in a ready state, because it involves not just your feelings, but his.

I do hope you'll make an appt. today with a grief counselor...let us know how it goes!

And CONGRATULATIONS on your acceptance, that's great! Imagine your dad's response....listen inside your head, hear him telling you how proud he is.

[sharirouse]

I havent called yet but I know there is at least a 6 month wait so while Im on the waiting list, Im going to see if I can go see one in my hometown while Im on a break from school.

That makes sense because there is a lot that I feel like Im not able to say to the people I have been talking to, such as friends.

And to be honest, Im so good at being interested into someone thats not interested LOL so I dont think anything will come from this but Ive already told myself that if anything does happen, I am going to be up front with him. And I dont want to mess with someone's feelings especially when mine are messed up because I already know how much that would suck.

Ill definitely call today and ask my mom and see what we can orchestrate. College has been keeping me so busy and thats why I have yet to call. But thank you! I will do that. Thats also why I am struggling! I am having a hard time seeing and hearing my dad around me.

[sharirouse]

Its really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that my mom doesnt understand what Im going through. Moms are supposed to know everything lol I think Im just going to have to tell her how I feel. I know I can talk to my Aunts about it because my dads parents are gone so I know they understand but there is a 50 yr gap there and they have dealt with so many other things so I feel like people dont get that I am naive LOL

[kayc]

Nope, moms don't know everything. Moms are separate people with their own experiences and responses.

[sharirouse]

Fair enough lol I honestly think I need to be up front with her and tell her whats going on because itll help. Which leads me to my next post...