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How Do I Fight Through The Pain?


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How do I deal with them? Its late and Im saying my prayers and then the reality hits me, some nights harder than others. He's gone. Im going home for thanksgiving and I cant hang out with him until my mom gets off work.

He's so far away and it kills me. I know hes dead and gone by he feels so far away. I want to feel him around me and I want to see him again but I cant bare to think that I have to wait 80 yrs until I die to see him.

I havent been talking to him because it hurts so bad. I know Im still numb and just crawling through the weeks and months but how do I deal with the thoughts?

Im angry and hurt and alone. Im mad at everything and no one understands. My roommate lost her dad to Cirrhosis 5 yrs ago and she doesnt understand. Shes putting all her focus into superficial things like her boyfriend and telling me I dont understand what its like to miss someone.

I want him back and i know thats so selfish. he was miserable and I was in denial. I was so deep that I ignored and failed to see how much pain he was really in. I want him back so bad and I want to see him but I know he would be miserable.

How do I deal with this? Im trying to get in to see a counselor but its not happening fast enough and Im not getting the emotional support that I need.

I need my dad. I could always go and cry to him.

Edit: I also feel like I have been looking for another father figure. Not to replace my dad but to feel like I have him again. His best friend feels like him when I hug him. In other words, I feel like Im searching for my dad in other people.

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Shari,

Do you have an appt. with a counselor, where you can focus on that day, just getting by until that day?

You say "how do I deal with them" but who is "them"?

For me it was easier when I came to understand I could talk to my husband (I lost him nearly ten years ago) and imagine his presence around me, it brings me comfort instead of pain, but it took a while for me to do that because in the beginning the pain was just excruciating and I couldn't think straight.

I think it's hard losing a dad when you're so young...normally as we get older and more independent and our lives don't revolve around our parents as much, I think it helps cushion the blow when they go, but when you're so young it's harder to lose them then.

I'm sorry your roommate doesn't have a clue. It doesn't help to argue with people but I'm afraid I couldn't bite my tongue if someone told me I didn't know what it was like to miss someone, when I'm obviously grieving my dad! I'm afraid I'd have to tell her how I feel, and perhaps at least it would shut her up from saying stupid things, perhaps not.

It's understandable to want them back, how we feel may have nothing to do with reality...if he was there in front of you and suffering badly you'd probably come to the place where you're willing to let him go to relieve his pain, but then you'd probably feel guilt over feeling that way...sometimes with grief there just isn't any easy way. I know there is no avoiding it, there's no way through this grief journey but straight through it, and that involves pain, learning, growing, letting ourselves feel, expression. It helps to let your grief surface and come out...write him a letter, send it up in a balloon! Use art to depict your pain or how you feel. Read a book on grief. And do your best to get into a grief counselor. Find a grief support group where there'll be others that understand. It really does help to know that others hear you and understand.

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I dont have an appt yet because I havent gotten a response yet but Im going to call them again, as well as Hospice when Im home for the holidays. For now, I think Ill talk to my aunts and make my mom hold me like a baby.

When I say "them," Im referring to the thoughts Im having. Some people I know arent helping the situation either but its easier to brush them off rather then the feelings.

I feel awful not being able to talk to him because it hurts so bad but it did help get their tears out. I know Im still struggling to accept that he's gone. My aunt is telling me that its good to accept it because this is better. He is so much better now. He suffered up to his last breath and its still haunting her and its still haunting me.

I didnt realize how much my life revolved around him and as naive as I am, I didnt realize how painful this was. Each month is harder than the last. Im not doing as good as I want to in school and my mom tells me to pull up my bootstraps but its so hard. Im drowning but I want to just sink. I dont want to try anymore.

I have been getting sassy with her because that remark really got under my skin. I think I did shut her up though, but she of all people should know how I feel. But our dads died differently. Hers passed suddenly and I was there the whole way through.

I do think Ill write him a letter and send it away in a balloon or something and there are some grief blogs I have been meaning to read. Im so grateful to have this site because I think I would be so lost without it. And I think ill harass the counseling center after class :) Nicely of course.

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It sounds like you have a plan and that's good. It's hard to understand why the counseling center hasn't gotten back to you to make an appt. It is hard having one die suddenly because you're so caught off guard and in shock, but it's hard watching someone die because of the pain they're going through. I think it's hitting you now because you were in denial at first when it was happening so in a way, this is like a sudden death in how you're feeling it. It'll help to talk with someone who also cared about him deeply because you'll both understand how the other feels and can share in it, so I think it'll be good to talk to your aunt (I'm assuming your dad's sister?).

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I also emailed the local Hospice and see what I can do. My mom told me that I need to talk to someone. I told her how I felt but I need to open the flood gates to a stranger and tell them every thing. And that makes sense because I was so blind and I did not want to see how bad he was and I want to kick myself for it now.

Yes Maam my dads sister. There is one that lives in my town and one that lives in Phoenix. I think Ill talk to both. The local one was there when he passed though. Shes trying to help me and shes come to terms with it. She told me she prayed he would die :( like a mercy prayer.

I think I need to wallow in self pity this next break I have. Ill have a month home.

I also feel like I have been looking for another father figure. Not to replace my dad but to feel like I have him again. His best friend feels like him when I hug him. Is that weird?

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No, it's not weird, it makes perfect sense to me. And just maybe your dad will send you people in your life to help fill the void when you most need it. (((hugs)))

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I really love that idea. Lets hope its whats happening :) ((hugs))

And in other news, I set up a therapy thing with Hospice in my home town and I was lucky enough to get a one-on-one because they generally have group ones. They also have "grieving" homework so we will see how that goes. They say I can finish it in my college town too so hopefully it will work.

I plan to take my entire break for grief.

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I hope you can fit something relaxing and enjoyable in too. Sometimes it's hard to grieve ALL the time, it's wearing! I'm so glad you're getting a one on one with Hospice, that is great.

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And remember, it's okay to cry. I used to drive into the woods and scream (after my husband passed away)...it let some of "it" out.

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Shari, dear, I read a terrific article today that you might find helpful ~ see Getting Through What You Can't Get Over, by Alexa Keating.

She describes the grief journey in a way I've never heard before, and it really makes sense to me:

"The big things in our life are mostly out of our control. You are not responsible; something or someone has changed. It is a part of life. Imagine this event as a journey you have embarked upon; one where you are the driver. The window in the vehicle that has the most expansive view is the windshield. That's important. It demands that your attention be focused primarily on what lies ahead in the journey. The side windows reflect the scenery on the journey and provide the opportunity to observe what is along the path. The smallest point of vision is the rear view mirror, allowing you to look behind you to make note of what has already passed and how it may impact what is before you."

And there is this:

"Create a visual image of the pain; one that encompasses all the events that remain sharply embedded in your mind. Visualize it encased in a bubble of light; then add a ribbon that connects you to the bubble of pain. Now envision a sword that cuts the ribbon in half, swift and sure. Quickly inhale or absorb the ribbon that remains attached to you. Then blow the bubble out of your sight. Quietly and gently back away from the scene, as though you are leaving a room. Close the door when you have left the room. Practice this exercise each time the pain begins to overwhelm you. It works. The pain is deeply embedded as a memory imprint. Replace it with one that allows you to step away from it and close the door."



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