Life Traumas... In Such A Short Time...

[Sweetwater]

I am writing in an effort to get support... someone/people who will understand, and maybe help...... I live in Phoenix, and My life took a massive turn on May 30th, of this year, when I received a call that Mom had a stroke, in Canada, and was in hospital. Not understanding the severity, I immediately got on a plane and upon arriving I learned that Mom had a 'Devastating Intra Cranial Bleed". Leaving out details, my life turned upside down and I had a mere 5 days with Mom, with about 2.5 days only of my believe that she know I was there with her... Mom passed away, with me and my sister by her side at 9am on June 5th, 2014. Today, I live with the biggest hole in my heart, and feel there is no end to it, ...

all that said, with this massive Tragedy, I remained in Toronto for 2 months, fully supported by my husband, and taking care of Mom's home, etc... I returned to Phoenix, finally, on August 1st, for my wedding anniversary on August 4th, but to a series of, what I consider additional issues, which have not allowed/permitted me to grieve or heal upon my return;

1- My husband told my daughter (his step daughter) she couldn't come to the airport to pick me up with him as he wanted to come alone... she wanted to bring Mom flowers and balloons to welcome me home... - He said "No', and he picked me up Curb Side... How sad... with a funny look on his face... I felt something was wrong... he was distant, unemotional, simply odd... ( He is on meds, so I do believe that somehow this is part of it... )

2), two nights later it was our 7th wedding anniversary, which was why I finally returned on August 1st, to be sure I was here for this, and he had no plans made, ... (My daughter called me that morning and told me, realizing my condition and sadness, that I should go out and get him a gift, ((she still didn't know he picked me up curbside))... because he was always so kind, and giving... always beautiful gifts, etc... - to make a long story short I bought him a nice gift, Oakley sun glasses, he got me nothing, for his sad wife, with massive pain and wounded... he pour more salt... - curbside - no dinner plans, no gift - NOT like him.

3) Two nights after that - Day 5 following my return, he told me his feelings changed and then i paraphrased and asked him 'When did you fall out of love with me?" - to which he responded "I don't know"...

and everything escalated from this point forward... we are not living totally separate at home, no communication , both now in marriage counseling, he's distant, detached, unemotional... and admitted to our counselor that he "Enjoyed being alone the 2 months I was gone... didn't have to answer to anyone, didn't have to measure up to anyone, ate when he wanted to, saw his kids when he wanted to, that it was totally 'stress' free', and he now knows why his dad lives to 92 years old." - WOW, what a shock and blow... more salt in the wound.

All this said, there's been a ton more 'crap' in between, but I've been led up a horrible path, disrespected, and not been able to grieve for my Mom. I'm devastated, mourning, heartbroken, feel alone, (thank goodness for my BFF's who are holding me up right now.

My husband thinks now that he's the only one working towards this marriage, - a joke. - I don't know where to turn.

I've just joined a Grief Class with a local church, so I can deal with Mom's passing... which is a massive pain and heart ache.

I have created a room in my home with some of her things, where I can escape, and I write to her in this room sometimes when I'm there... but with all the distractions affect me and I consider them unfair, and selfish, it's crazy. - Couldn't he have waited ????

I pray that somehow someone gives me the answer... of what to do, where to go... how to deal with this... it's such a horrible situation.

In addition, which I didn't mention, 5 days after Mom passed, my dog Pookie, here in PHX, also died, but my husband never told me. He even came for 9 days to Canada to be at the funeral with me and didn't tell me... he told me the week before I came home to PHX when I was at a friends house visiting. I felt like he deferred the situation, my loss and pain, for someone else to care for me instead of him being my rock.

Also, a week after 1 returned to PHX, my sister and I, she lives in Canada, had a falling out, never to speak again.

So, I lose Mom, My Pookie, my husband, my marriage, and my sister...

Now What ???

Any advice. ???

I returned to no soulmate, no partner, no husband, no rock, - an unemotional, distant, man... who I agreed may have had a med issue, so we took him to all the doctors, had him checked and physically he's fine, but emotionally NOT. Docs doubled his meds, then he went crazy... breaking things, screaming insanely... now he's going off everything, and I have no idea where this will go.

i wonder will this repeat again in 5 years... what if, God Forbid, I have another tragedy in my life... ??? What then.????

Any thoughts or help would be amazing.... objective input... please...

[Sweetwater]

I am writing in an effort to get support... someone/people who will understand, and maybe help...... I live in Phoenix, and My life took a massive turn on May 30th, of this year, when I received a call that Mom had a stroke, in Canada, and was in hospital. Not understanding the severity, I immediately got on a plane and upon arriving I learned that Mom had a 'Devastating Intra Cranial Bleed". Leaving out details, my life turned upside down and I had a mere 5 days with Mom, with about 2.5 days only of my believe that she know I was there with her... Mom passed away, with me and my sister by her side at 9am on June 5th, 2014. Today, I live with the biggest hole in my heart, and feel there is no end to it, ...

all that said, with this massive Tragedy, I remained in Toronto for 2 months, fully supported by my husband, and taking care of Mom's home, etc... I returned to Phoenix, finally, on August 1st, for my wedding anniversary on August 4th, but to a series of, what I consider additional issues, which have not allowed/permitted me to grieve or heal upon my return;

1- My husband told my daughter (his step daughter) she couldn't come to the airport to pick me up with him as he wanted to come alone... she wanted to bring Mom flowers and balloons to welcome me home... - He said "No', and he picked me up Curb Side... How sad... with a funny look on his face... I felt something was wrong... he was distant, unemotional, simply odd... ( He is on meds, so I do believe that somehow this is part of it... )

2), two nights later it was our 7th wedding anniversary, which was why I finally returned on August 1st, to be sure I was here for this, and he had no plans made, ... (My daughter called me that morning and told me, realizing my condition and sadness, that I should go out and get him a gift, ((she still didn't know he picked me up curbside))... because he was always so kind, and giving... always beautiful gifts, etc... - to make a long story short I bought him a nice gift, Oakley sun glasses, he got me nothing, for his sad wife, with massive pain and wounded... he pour more salt... - curbside - no dinner plans, no gift - NOT like him.

3) Two nights after that - Day 5 following my return, he told me his feelings changed and then i paraphrased and asked him 'When did you fall out of love with me?" - to which he responded "I don't know"...

and everything escalated from this point forward... we are not living totally separate at home, no communication , both now in marriage counseling, he's distant, detached, unemotional... and admitted to our counselor that he "Enjoyed being alone the 2 months I was gone... didn't have to answer to anyone, didn't have to measure up to anyone, ate when he wanted to, saw his kids when he wanted to, that it was totally 'stress' free', and he now knows why his dad lives to 92 years old." - WOW, what a shock and blow... more salt in the wound.

All this said, there's been a ton more 'crap' in between, but I've been led up a horrible path, disrespected, and not been able to grieve for my Mom. I'm devastated, mourning, heartbroken, feel alone, (thank goodness for my BFF's who are holding me up right now.

My husband thinks now that he's the only one working towards this marriage, - a joke. - I don't know where to turn.

I've just joined a Grief Class with a local church, so I can deal with Mom's passing... which is a massive pain and heart ache.

I have created a room in my home with some of her things, where I can escape, and I write to her in this room sometimes when I'm there... but with all the distractions affect me and I consider them unfair, and selfish, it's crazy. - Couldn't he have waited ????

I pray that somehow someone gives me the answer... of what to do, where to go... how to deal with this... it's such a horrible situation.

In addition, which I didn't mention, 5 days after Mom passed, my dog Pookie, here in PHX, also died, but my husband never told me. He even came for 9 days to Canada to be at the funeral with me and didn't tell me... he told me the week before I came home to PHX when I was at a friends house visiting. I felt like he deferred the situation, my loss and pain, for someone else to care for me instead of him being my rock.

Also, a week after 1 returned to PHX, my sister and I, she lives in Canada, had a falling out, never to speak again.

So, I lose Mom, My Pookie, my husband, my marriage, and my sister...

Now What ???

Any advice. ???

I returned to no soulmate, no partner, no husband, no rock, - an unemotional, distant, man... who I agreed may have had a med issue, so we took him to all the doctors, had him checked and physically he's fine, but emotionally NOT. Docs doubled his meds, then he went crazy... breaking things, screaming insanely... now he's going off everything, and I have no idea where this will go.

i wonder will this repeat again in 5 years... what if, God Forbid, I have another tragedy in my life... ??? What then.????

Any thoughts or help would be amazing.... objective input... please...

Always have a dream longer than a life time -

[kayc]

Sweetwater,

My heart goes out to you and I wish I was there to put my arms around you and just let you sob. It doesn't sound like your husband is able to give you the emotional support you need right now, but hopefully counseling will help him sift through the things he needs to. The timing is very unfortunate, just as you needed someone to be there for you most in your life.

I'm confused about your sentence in which you describe your living situation...are you together or separated?

There is a site that I have come to respect called marriagebuilders.com....the person who started that site has written many books about marriage (His Needs, Her Needs and many more) and counseled thousands of couples. You could go on line there and post your situation. There is a person there named MelodyLane that has great experience and advice, if you can get her to look at your post. Perhaps you could find one of her posts and respond to her and direct her to yours.

I hope it's okay to write about that here, I'm not trying to advertise that site, just saying it's helped me tremendously, and could help you figure things out for yourself as well.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom...I lost my mom August 21. I know what a life changing event it feels. Thank God you have your daughter! I'm sorry for the falling out with your sister. That can happen so easily when you're grieving. People become very sensitive and thin skinned when they're grieving...I was very upset with something my sister said after my mom passed. I had to let it go and make overtures to her so we didn't lose our relationship but it was hard to get passed because I felt she was in the wrong and I hadn't done anything wrong. Sometimes we have to choose between being right or letting things go for the sake of the relationship. Hopefully with time you'll have an opportunity to show her love and it will be received.

Right now you have enough going on in your life to overwhelm anyone. It'll be important for you to take a day at a time and remember to breathe. Take care of yourself.

Please continue to post and let us know how you're doing. My prayers are with you. Try not to think about what could happen...you have enough to deal with in today.