Just Do It

[Amy Wamy]

"Just do it" is a common phrase that many of us say to ourselves. What's the worst that will happen? Theres only one way to find out - just do it!

Anyway, I'd like to share a little bit of my story since a lot of you share yours. I suppose it's easier to reply and understand once you know. It'd be nice to know if any of you have experienced similar things to me

I was born in the UK and I had great parents (at the time), grandparents, cousins etc. Life started to change for me around the age of 7 as my parents relationship was the best at that time I don't think. I moved to America with my Mum when I was 9, as she had met a woman online and decided to eventually move over there, and we lived with her and her six children for 5 years. My Dad basically disowned me when I moved, but I don't really know - to this day - the full extent of what happened there. I had a happy 5 years in Texas as I was in the school band, I did athletics at school and had great friends. The last year or so living out there was when everything went down hill - my Mum was ill with a rare brain cancer. I didn't really understand fully what was going on. I helped out when I could, I saw her getting worse and worse but I don't remember every detail though. I didn't know how bad it was, I suppose you wouldn't want to tell a child that because they won't understand. I remember the dreadful headaches, awful neck pain, occasional bad tempers, the big brain operation, another one to fix a clot, another one for hydrocephalus, her going to chemo (I think I went once to see that it was okay, she wanted me to see it wasn't scary I think). After the operations, I remember her not being able to walk by herself, helping her to the bathroom and her double vision.

Reading that now, I suppose I did witness a lot. I suppose I went through an ordeal, but clearly nothing...NOTHING compared to what she was going through. In 2007 (the year we moved back to the UK), we sort of got kicked out of the house. Everything was too much for Mums partner at the time. It must have been stressful and expensive, which is understandable, but I'm still a little bit bitter about it now, as you may understand.

So, in June 07 I had to bring me and my Mum back to the UK, back home. Luckily, a couple of family acquaintances were in the states and paid for our airfare back home, but I suppose I had the biggest job of all and I didn't even realise it. Apparently, she was so ill she could have died on the way back to England, and I was non the wiser about it - looking back now, that was probably a good thing I didn't know. We had fun on that trip, a few laughs. Before we knew it we were back in England.

In 2008, things got even more worse! I had sort of settled in, it was so quiet, so different from America. Sometimes I still wish I didn't have to come back because I was so happy there. I became friends with people who I used to know, which was nice, but my Mum was still not getting better. In November 08, she ended up in hospital. I remember being at school and my Nan called to say, I think I was worried, but I don't know. She never came out of hospital when she went in, but I did get to see her a couple of times even though I didn't particularly want to. I felt I was always pressured into going, yes it was my Mum, but I just think I was scared or something.

I remember the last real moment though, I was sitting on the bed next to her showing her how to use the little TV's you get attached to your bed in hospital. It was nice from what I recall. Not many days after that was when her heart stopped, but they got a pulse and she went to the intensive care unit. I went to see her a few days before she passed when she was in there. The most awkward and uncomfortable thing ever. I'm always silent when I'm anxious or uncomfortable, and I was then. I was being watched and I felt under pressure to do something. I said nothing to her lifeless body that was being kept alive by machines. The last thing I said before I left the room was "love you" or something, I don't clearly remember. A few days later the machine was turned off and she was gone forever.

That's a brief version of events, I hope it wasn't too long.

Now, 6 years later, I haven't grieved or anything. I've always been quiet. Scared to let anything out, and I still am. I'm slowly convincing myself to go and see a counsellor, so maybe I should "just do it". What's the worst that could happen? I'll cry for ever, I'll relive everything again. I don't want to, but non of us here that have experienced a death wants to do it. We just somehow know that talking about it will help and it may be able to ease the pain.

Now though, I'm at University and thinking about the future is odd because I won't have a Mother to help me do things that they do when you get older. Most of my friends have parents, and so it's hard for me because I don't. My Dad doesn't speak to me to this day, and it bother me a lot. Anyway, I'm rambling on. I just wanted to write something. If you took time to read it, thank you.

It's late, and way past my bed time! I'm glad this forum is here, like all of us are.

[enna]

Hi Amy,

I have read your posts on the thread “loss of a parent or grandparent” and am wondering if you have seen a grief counselor yet. I am really sorry that you and your mum had to return to England and that your mum passed away. This must be so very hard for you.

I think Marty gave you a number of websites to go to and Kay mentioned how important it is to talk about some of your concerns. We hear over and over again that if we feel that there are issues that we have to come to peace with it won’t happen if we do nothing.

Losing a parent is very traumatic and you have lost your mum at a very young age.

I don’t think our situations have to be the same to understand what it means to lose someone as dear to us as a parent.

We all grieve in our own way. You say you haven’t grieved ~ perhaps a good grief counselor can tell you different. They are equipped with the knowledge to take us through some of our feelings. Even talking about your concerns about your future is a start or having a better understanding about just what grief is could clear things up.

Anne

[Amy Wamy]

Anne,

No, I haven't seen a counsellor yet simply because I'm not sure if it's the right time to do so yet.

I have looked at the various websites given to me by Marty and they have been quite insightful. I've not really spoken about my concerns and feeling with anyone, and I know six years have passed, but I just don't feel comfortable doing that yet.

Perhaps I'll use next year to tackle my issues head on.

Thank you for reading and replying, I appreciate it :-)

[feralfae]

Dear Amy,

I think a good place to begin might be to see a grief counselor a few times -- at least three or four times -- to get some more insights into what issues are coming up for you, what you might experience during grief work, and also to let you begin to have a safe and comforting place/person where you can begin to explore and become more aware of the work you might want to do.

Losing your mother must have been really hard, and really, you have lost your father in that there is no relationship there, either.

Please do keep coming here and let us know how you are doing and how you are doing with any of your grief work. You have been through some very tough times, and you need a lot of support and compassion. We can give some of that here, but I do think a grief counselor would be of great help to you as well.

I am so sorry for your losses, and for the very difficult times you have had, being forced to be an adult far too soon in your life.

Blessings, and let us know how you are.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I second what Anne and fae have said...it's important for you to see a grief counselor. I don't know how it is in the UK but here you can see one and pay on a sliding scale based on your income. It would give you a place to start and it might relieve your mind...it's almost like you're in denial and putting it off because you fear what grief will be like. When we cry, for instance, it's not a bad thing, it's releasing. Think of it as the valve on a pressure cooker...if we didn't take the valve cover off and let the steam flow, pressure would build until the pressure cooker explodes! The same is true for our grief, it's so important to let it out, to let yourself feel your feelings of loss, and to work through it. As and up side, grief also carries with it a silver lining to the cloud...we learn a LOT and become more self aware and more empathetic towards others.

I'm so sorry you lost your mom, had to move so many times (esp. so far!), and that your dad abandoned you. Shame on him! I hope you know it's nothing to do with you and it's HIS foibles! You were subjected to way more than a child should have to witness at such a young age. Did you live with your grandmother after your mother passed away? Is she still alive? Do you have any aunts that might step into a motherly role? It sounds like you need to adopt a family as your own! We had a teenager in our church that had a similar background as yours, and people in the church just took her under wing. She was at our homes more than her own! She's now in college and doing well. We don't get to pick our parents/situations, but they do shape and mold us...it's up to us how.

I reiterate, I hope you'll at least make an appointment TODAY for a grief counseling session. Sometimes they'll even do the first one for free.

[Amy Wamy]

KayC,

You're right in what you say. I think I do fear what grief will be like. There's a counselling centre at my University, which I lucky don't have to pay for. I've put off the last two appointments, but I'm requested another one which I will go to.

I have lived with my grandmother ever since, she's been wonderful really. It's hard for her to live by herself now I've moved a couple of hours up to University, and she has just had a hip replacement!

I don't speak to any of my family other than my grandmother. I've no idea what happened, I think there was a bit falling out years ago or something. I do spend lots of time at my best friends house, and her mother has been very good to me. I've known them for over 10 years, and I suppose they are like another family to me, which is nice.

The thing is, I don't feel like the "pressure cooker is about to explode". I don't really feel anything towards it, if that makes any sense. I've been told many times to see a counsellor, maybe now is the right time.

I appreciate your reply!

[kayc]

Let us know how it goes!

[Amy Wamy]

January 5th = D Day.

I kid, but I've got a new appointment and I've confirmed it. My New Years resolution is to learn about myself more, and be open to new things!!

I'm sending Christmas Wishes your (whoever is reading) way !

[MartyT]

The very same to you, Amy my dear ~ and we'll be thinking of you on your "D Day"! ♥

[feralfae]

Amy,

So glad to hear the good news about your "D Day" and I know you are going to find lots of support and help from your counselor. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you, and congratulations on your courage and resolve.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Amy Wamy]

I did what I once thought to be "the impossible".

I went to the counselling session. It was more or less how I expected it to be. The counsellor seems a little bit patronising, but she seems nice enough. I pretty much told her most of what's been going on, and I'm curious as to how they progress. Once they know why you're there, how do they help you?

I hope you all had a good New Year :-)

[enna]

You did it, Amy. You kept the appointment with the counselor. Happy New Year to you, also.

A good counselor will know how to proceed with you. You did not mention if she was a grief counselor ~ she doesn't have to be but I hope she is knowledgeable if grief. Give her a few sessions. When I started with my grief counselor she guided me by asking questions that focused on how I was feeling. She wanted to hear about my husband and about my caregiving days and asked if I had questions. Losing a husband is different than losing your mum. She will know how to guide you with questions she asks.

Come here and know that you are being heard. I think that is part of our healing ~ to have how we are feeling validated.

Anne

[Amy Wamy]

Anne,

Well she's a counsellor at my University, and they deal with all sorts of issues. You said when you started you counsellor asked you questions that focused on how you were feeling and about your loved one, and that's what happened in my session yesterday. The only thing was, the fire alarm went of TWICE because they are in a brand new building on campus and I think they were testing things. It was a bit annoying, but I'm going again next week.

I've started it now, I might as well see it through!

[feralfae]

Oh, Amy, congratulations on taking this big step. I am so very glad you are going to be seeing a counselor. You might want to ask how much grief counseling she has done, and if she has any special training in that area. This is your life, your heart, and you feelings, and it will help if you feel that you are getting the best help you can.

I hope things are calmer next week, without fire alarms and any other tests.

Peace to your heart, dear Amy.

fae

[MartyT]

Amy, my dear, I'm so sorry that your very first session was disrupted ~ not once, but twice! ~ as that can rattle even the best of counselors, much less YOU the client! Good for you for being willing to give it at least another go.

I hope the following will give you an idea of what you should expect from your counselor. It's taken from my article, Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You:

Unlike friendship, a professional counseling relationship offers you the opportunity to relate to a caring, supportive individual who understands the grief process, doesn’t need you to depend upon, and will allow you to grieve without interference. Within the safety and confidentiality of a therapeutic relationship, you can share your intimate thoughts, make sense of what you’re feeling and clarify your reactions. An effective bereavement counselor is knowledgeable about the mourning process, helps you feel understood, offers a witness to your experience, encourages you to move forward, fosters faith that you will survive, and offers hope that you will get through your grief successfully. (If after two or three sessions you don’t sense your counselor has a good understanding of your grief process or doesn’t seem like the person who can help you, you should feel free to try another counselor.)

At the base of the article you'll also find links to several others that may help. See especially Going to Therapy for The First Time? Here's What to Expect and Key Questions to Ask When Choosing A Therapist

[kayc]

Amy, so glad you had your first session, I sincerely hope she is trained in grief counseling and can help you. If not, there are many out there that charge on a sliding scale, and as a student, you'd surely qualify. You'll know by your third session. I'm sorry the fire alarm went off, twice! That must have been very frustrating.

[Amy Wamy]

You are all so supportive and lovely, so I thank you for that.

This counsellor seems okay at the moment, she is just grasping my whole situation and what has and is going on. Hopefully the next session will be better. I'll keep you informed as I like reading your thoughts and opinions. :-)

Take care

[Amy Wamy]

After the second session last Monday, which was uninterrupted, it all went well. I like the counsellor, and when I came back to my room after the session I felt a bit strange, good, but strange. I think I feel like I can comfortably open up to her, so next session I plan on doing just that.

I'm so glad I decided to go - never thought I'd hear or see myself say that!

[MartyT]

Amy, my dear, I cannot tell you how many times I've heard what you've just said. That's why I think of grief counseling as a gift you can give to yourself. Truly it can change your life ~ and for the better!

I think you might appreciate this post: Me? Need a Hospice Grief Counselor? No Way! ♥

[kayc]

Amy, I'm so glad. They're trained to take us through this...it can be such a puzzling muddle to try and figure out on our own!

[Amy Wamy]

I know it will do me the world of good - eventually.

I just still feel like I don't know what to say or what I'm supposed to do. She does have a pretty good grasp on me and my life/situation now.

Since I feel like it's going nowhere at the moment, I've decided to type up everything I feel/she should know so I haven't got to speak it. I'd rather she read this and asked me about it as she reads it. I'm just not at the stage of physically saying any of it.

[feralfae]

Oh Amy,

I am so very proud of you for having the courage to go on with seeing the grief counselor. I think writing your story for her is a wonderful option, and sometimes, the very act of writing out our story is very therapeutic as well.

And, don't worry too much that you don't know what to say. Your counselor will ask questions, and of course you are right—she will have what you write to read as well.

What you are doing takes a lot of determination and a great deal of being able to take care of yourself and to love yourself to be open to healing. You are doing such a great job of helping yourself to heal. Congratulations.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

fae wrote what I felt in response to your post...your counselor will know how to take things from there, and your writing things out sounds like a wonderful idea.

[Amy Wamy]

Fae & KayC,

Thank you for your comments!!

The support and kindness from you (and others) on here is so great, I appreciate that very much!

I've written something that's 2 pages long, I feel that it's too long, but it has to be that long as I've got plenty to say. My next session isn't until the 2nd. I'll keep you posted :-)