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Dealing With In-Laws And Grief


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I really need some advice.

I was never very close to my husband's family - his mother and siblings. He was divorced when we met and I was about ten years younger than him. Not sure if that was what made it difficult to become part of his family - but I never really felt very accepted. They were never rude to me or unkind - we just never really hit it off, and I always felt uncomfortable when we were all together.

When my husband was alive we would visit his family regularly - mostly his sister, her family and his mother, who all lived in the same town. We traveled as a family - my husband, our sons and me. I can't say I enjoyed these visits a lot, but I felt an obligation to go along. Now after my husband's death I haven't visited these people. His mother died just six months before he did, and we attended her funeral despite him being sick with lung cancer.

After my husband's death, his sister and her husband stopped by once to visit on their way to see their daughter in the next city. They stopped by mainly to collect some old family photos from that side of the family. She's also sent a couple of e-mails to ask how I was doing - but when I wrote back that I wasn't doing great and that I was still grieving very much, she never answered. I was invited to her birthday party about 6 months after my husband's death, but I just sent some flowers and declined the invitation. I couldn't handle it all - especially being there without my husband. I would have felt uncomfortable and unhappy. My husband's brother is a doctor, and he was very helpful on one occasion when my youngest son was sick and had trouble getting in to a specialist. But apart from that I haven't heard from him during these four years. I suppose I haven't tried to seek any contact either.

I found out today that my brother-in-law and his wife just lost their daughter. She was 40, had a husband, an 18 year old daughter and a 7 year old adopted son. She had had heart problems, fell into a coma after a surgery and died last night. I know this must be very hard for the whole family. My brother-in-law and his wife lost their son about 20 years ago. He just disappeared without a trace during a vacation and they never found him. Now they just have one daughter left. It must be absolutely horrible.

I'm going to send flowers and my condolences to both families - brother-in-law and wife, plus husband and children. But here's the thing: I do not want to attend the funeral. I just don't think I could handle it. Just thinking about attending a funeral and meeting all these people gives me intense anxiety. I still haven't worked through the trauma of my husband's death - the hospital, the funeral we had while I was in a foggy daze of grief. It all makes me feel like crawling into a hole. I have my three sons and their wives visiting here for Christmas - and we're all still feeling our own loss - my husband/their father.

Would it be horrible of me to not attend this funeral - but just send flowers and heartfelt condolences? They will probably be talking about me and why I'm not there. But at the same time, I don't know why they'd really want or need me there. I already feel like a terrible person for not being closer to his family - but I just don't feel I can do this. I'm trying to come up with some excuse - but I can't think of a good one. Had this been my family - my sister or brother - I would be there right away. But this doesn't feel like my family.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Melina

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Melina, this is a truly tough one.

But I am so, so happy for you that your three sons and their wives will be with you for Christmas. That is wonderful!

Since your sons and their wives will be there for Christmas, maybe you could invite some of your husband's family to get together for a meal at a nice restaurant rather than try to make it to the funeral? I wish I had more ideas for you, but I can certainly identify not only with your loss, but with your sense of a bit of separation from these folks with whom you never did develop close family ties. Doug had no children, and was not very close to most of his family, so I never became close either. I am still close to my ex husband David's whole family, including cousins and distant relatives. For David's family, I would at least invite them for a dinner together while we were all in the same place, more or less. I don't think I would feel any social pressure or familial pressure to be a part of Doug's family gatherings, no matter the reason. But it is a different situation.

(I am just so happy your sons and their wives will all the with you! :) )

This really feels to me like on of those "follow your heart" times when we must sit with our own feelings and honor our feelings first, then try to find acceptable and comfortable ways to include others. I hope others have some good ideas for you, and I know you will find a peaceful and comfortable answer to this challenge.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Thanks Fae,

I'm also glad to have three of my four sons here at Christmas - and their wives/girlfriends. It does feel good to have family around. They all live very far away.

Inviting my husband's family to a meal is probably not an option. Spending time together like that - in an intimate setting - is even worse than having to attend the funeral. And I think that it would be awkward for them as well. Norway is a little different from the states. This is a far more guarded and distant people. That's one of the reasons it's been such a culturally exhausting place to live.

If I could just move away from this country - I wouldn't have to deal with these people at all, but they meant something to my husband, which is why it's so hard to cut them out completely. I'm not sure though why they never really let me in.

Thanks for your thoughts, Fae. It's helps to have a place to unburden myself and share my troubles...

Melina

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Melina, my dear, it seems to me that you are the best judge of what you are ready, willing and able to handle in this tragic situation. You said you are prepared to acknowledge this loss by sending flowers and your written condolences, which I presume will be sincere and heartfelt and full of empathy, since you are so familiar with grief and significant loss yourself. If that is all you feel equipped to do, so be it. A sincerely written condolence letter can mean a great deal to the person receiving it ~ and it can be read and re-read for years to come. Don't underestimate its power. And if that is all you feel capable of giving to this family, my prayer for you is that you will let it be enough.

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Hi Melina,

I just want you to know that I hear you. I don't have any advice for you but I want you to know that I believe also that this is a good place to come to be heard.

I am a firm believer that to listen to our hearts is a very good place to start. We usually know what is best when it comes from deep down.

I'm so happy that your three boys will be with you this Christmas.

Anne

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My best friend's dad passed aways a couple of weeks after my husband died. I could not bring myself to attend the funeral even though I loved her dad as my own. I just phoned and was honest saying I was still trying to handle my own grief and hope she would understand my not coming. She made me feel much more comfortable by saying she did not expect to attend because she realized it would be too hard. Your "in-laws" may already know and understand you are not at a place yet in your grief that would allow you to attend. I would make a personal call, though, to tell them. Sue

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Funerals are hard for us, it brings back memories. I would do as you've suggested and simply say you regret you're unable to attend but extend your sympathy. What they choose to think or say isn't as important as you doing what you feel you need to do for you.

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