Our Loved Ones Werent Saints...?

[sharirouse]

This is mainly something about a post by KayC that I remember reading.

Not in these words, she ultimately said that we need to realize that our loved ones were not perfect and that many of them were mean or had flaws and such and its so true but at the same time its hard for me to accept that. Or admit it at least because after my dad died, I hated when people would say anything mean about him because its like he wasnt there to defend himself.

I was telling my mom how guilty I felt for not spending more time with my dad throughout my life and especially closer to his passing. I saw him at least once a day for the most part, if not 5 days out of the week. My mom had to remind me that I did spend time with him but sometimes I didnt want to.

My parents are divorced for multiple reasons, some I do not know, but one of them being that my dad was controlling. He got mean and he ruled with fear sometimes. After the divorce, he changed that and really tried to fix that about himself but honestly, I forget and I dont want to admit it.

He had said some mean things and I know those were why I left or didnt talk to him for a few days.

I guess Im not really sure what Im asking here but how do I realize that he wasnt perfect without making myself feel like I am saying he was a mean person sometimes?

[kayc]

In your other post you said you didn't know what grief work was. I think it's processing your grief and coming to terms with it. We'll never like that they're gone and we'd change it in a heart beat if we could...but we can't. It's all such a shock when someone we love dies, it is a process to let it sink in, acknowledge that it happened, deal with all of the unfinished business, and begin to cope with the having to live without their physical presence in our everyday lives. Whew! It takes a lot of grief work. That means letting yourself cry sometimes. It might mean journaling or using art to depict your feelings, your dreams for yourself, etc. It might mean coming here. Seeing a grief counselor. Going to a grief support group. Finding a way to incorporate that person into your life now. You might build a shrine, only to take it all down. Hang pictures up...take them down, hang them up... Some people take their wedding rings off, others have them resized so they can wear them, others yet wear them on a chain around their neck. It's all individual how you handle things, but it's important not to squelch your grief, or drown it in booze or drugs (which will only exacerbate the problem). It's important to express yourself and know you're heard. That's what this is a good place for. It's good to know there are others going through it that "get it". It's good to know you're not going crazy after all. Some of your grief work might be in establishing rituals, particularly as the holidays approach. We have to create new rituals, find our new identity, our new normal. That all takes effort and doesn't happen overnight. It takes plugging along.

I adore/d my husband, but he wasn't perfect, just perfect for me! Our relationship was superb, our communication was terrific, the love we had for each other, unsurpassed! But he was not perfect, if he had been, he wouldn't have been human. The important thing in a relationship is not that either of us is perfect, but that we accept and love each other, foibles and all. It's important to believe in each other and know the other has our best interests at heart, even if not always expressed perfectly. We aren't perfect either. To me, realizing and incorporating the whole of the person and accepting that is an important part of the grief process. We can candidly accept their down areas, even while super appreciating their great qualities. For us, the good far outweighed anything else, we loved them! They may not be saints, but we're so glad they were the ones in our lives!

[MartyT]

Kay's words are very wise, Shari, and I hope you will take them to heart. I can only add that wanting to remember only the good things about a deceased loved one is understandable ~ some people go so far as to place the person on a pedestal as if he or she were a saint who had no shortcomings at all. We call that "idealizing" the deceased. It's also normal in families to want to defend our loved one when others are critical of that person. It's the old "I can criticize my mother / dad / sibling / child / spouse if I want to, but Heaven help someone else who does it."

I have a feeling that once you find yourself before a grief counselor, you'll be relieved to discover that all of your reactions, thoughts and feelings are a normal part of the grief experience ~ and for your sake, I hope that happens soon. ♥

[feralfae]

Shari,

I do hope you find a grief counselor soon.

Yes, it is easy to idealize someone who is gone, but after a while, it is not very realistic. My husband Doug was a wonderful man, very sweet and caring, but he had his share of "buttons" and could go of on rants occasionally, as well as having a very short fuse about some issues that really irked him. On some things, there was no reasoning with him. We love the people we love because they are perfect for us, even if others find them crabby or argumentative or whatever their flaws. They put up with our flaws, and we put up with theirs. I think for the first year or so after Doug died, it was hard for me to look at him realistically, because I missed all the good things about him so much. But later on, as I began to move out of the deepest and darkest of grief, I could acknowledge that Doug, just like the rest of us, had his good and not so good points, and it was the person he was as a whole that I loved.

I really hope you can find a grief counselor. I think it will help you so much to have someone who is trained and educated to help you walk this grief path of pain and loss.

I am sending all good wishes and lots of love to you, and prayers that you find a grief counselor very soon.

fae

[kayc]

Marty made a good point that I'd intended to make but forgot to, thanks, Marty! WE can acknowledge their shortcomings, but heaven help anyone else who dares to! But I found it important to acknowledge George's even if only to myself, not as a criticism, but rather an acknowledgement of complete acceptance of HIM as a person...I loved him 100%. more if possible! Just as he did me. If I gained weight, George seemed not to notice. I often remarked that he looked at me through rose colored glasses...it's as if he didn't SEE the bad in me. But he had to sometimes notice my faults...I can tend to be "controlling" or "in charge", yet he always knew I had his best interests at heart, even if sometimes overbearing. He always understood me...just as I did him. Somehow, to me, it's even more graceful to be aware of someone's faults and yet love them to the fullest anyway! So much more graceful than pretending they are different, which isn't grace at all, but denial. Yet it's a stage many go through...I don't think I did. I never made him a saint, I am much more realistic than that...but he'll always remain my perfect (for me) man, faults and all.

[MartyT]

Such a wise woman you are, dear Kay ♥

[maria53577]

You know my mom was an alcoholic.. and at times thru the years, she treated her family and herself poorly.. but I can separate the woman who was my mother, who I love and loved so dearly.. the woman who gave me life and did the best she could.. but I didn't love the woman who has an addict and that's ok.. just like your dad, I know my mom didn't want to be this person.. she didn't wake up and say, hey, I want to hurt myself and my family' ..we all have something we are working towards in life as far as our internal healings.. it's ok that maybe your dad some things that weren't so great.. you are honoring the man who was your dad and gave you life.. it's ok to know that maybe he had issues he was struggling with.. because he is human.. so it's ok to know that you loved him as your father and it's also very ok to know that he wasn't perfect.. like none of us are

Please take care over the holidays.. I will be thinking of you