Like He Was Never Here!

[Glassmaker's wife]

I lost my husband Sept. 29th 2014 of lung cancer. We started this terrible journey July 17th of 2012. We found out about the cancer ONE day after he retired from a glass factory after 43 years of service. He had NO symptoms of being sick, he got a free X-Ray from his work the day after he retired and that's how we found out that he had stage 4 lung cancer. Our journey took us through Chemo and Radiation ( I personally think that the Chemo took a toll on his body) He went from a 240 lb strong man to a 100 lb weak man. The chemo was so strong that he lost all his teeth, which made it hard for him to eat anyting. As the months went by the pain was getting worse and the morphine was upped every week. I guess one of the worse parts for me was him begging me to help him.......And I couldn't........I felt so helpless, Wanting it to be over and feeling guilty for wanting something like that for a man that I have been married to for 45 years!!! When it finally happened I felt relieved, confused, sad, scared and alot of other emotions. Now one of the things that is really bothering me is the fact is it's like he was never here. After you get rid of his clothes and other things, now his name is being taken off EVERYTHING!!! Bank account, car, car insurance, anything that had his name on it is gone, it's like he never existed...how can this be, a man that has worked all his life to make something of his life and family is gone. How do you cope with this??? Oh yes there is one thing that they left his name on and that's all the hospital and Dr. bills, something that I will probably pay for the rest of my life. With the holidays here it will be very hard for us, but we are a strong family and we are supporting each other the best way we can. Thanks for letting me vent.

Dar

[kayc]

Dar, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. All of your feelings are valid and are normal for them to coexist at the same time, as differing as they may be. So much you must be feeling! I'm sure you're still reeling from shock.

There's times I have to look at the picture on the wall of my husband and I together to ensure that he really did exist, I didn't make him up in my mind. It seems so long ago (almost ten years) and yet I miss him each and every day. It just feels like a lifetime ago that we used to sleep and snuggle together and talk to each other...

You might want to check with an attorney in your state because I remortgaged my home to pay off George's hospital bills, ambulance bill, doctor bills...only to find out a couple of years later that I hadn't been legally responsible for them. (Of course the hospital hadn't told me that when they were hounding me and charging high interest.) I have two friends that did NOT pay their spouse's bills when they died. I might be in a much healthier position financially had I not done that.

I hope you will continue to come here and post. It really does help to let your feelings out and know you are heard...by people who understand because they've been there.

[feralfae]

Dear Glassmaker's Wife,

I am so very sorry for your terrible loss, just as you two were looking forward to retirement and being able to do more together. I lost my husband almost three years ago, and I remember how bleak and empty the whole world seemed for a long time after he was gone. He, too, seemed to be in very good health until he was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer.

I think enduring those days of watching them losing the struggle, and being weakened by the chemo, are so terribly difficult.

Kay has made some good points about checking on what you must pay to the medical community, and I hope you can find some relief. It seems so cruel to lose our loved ones, and then be faced with stacks of medical bills as well.

These are early days for you after your loss. I am sure your life still feels as though a part of you has been amputated, and that besides having his name taken off so much, you also feel the emptiness of the loss of so much of your life together. I keep one of my favorite photos of my husband and me, smiling and happy, next to my bed, so I can look at it and remember the beautiful days and happy times we had.

Please come here often and let us know how you are doing. With sympathy and blessings, I wish for you some moments of peace and good memories.

feralfae

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Dar,

Others who have similar experiences with cancer and loss of a spouse will likely be able to help you better than I, but my heart goes out to you, and I just want to let you know that I care that you hurt.

To lose your husband of forty-five years, and especially in such a heart-rending way (his pain, begging you to help him, his weight loss, and loss of his teeth, etc.), is enough to make you feel all the things you feel. Of course, you felt/feel confused and scared. Please don't feel guilty. Guilt is common after the loss of a loved one. It's part of grief. I'm telling you this, yet I expect I'll feel guilt, remorse, and regret (real and/or imagined) myself. I'm having to make serious decisions (have for nearly 2 years), and I fear I might make a wrong one (or more) that might harm, or even take my Jerry's life. I recently made such a decision that shortened our cherished fourteen-year-old Dachshund's life, which points out to me that I can make such a decision regarding Jerry. My mistake with Ashely was that I allowed a vet to do a dental surgery, against another vet's advise, although she had kidney disease. The vet told me that his speed during surgery would prevent her kidneys from being damaged. I learned too late that his speed would not prevent the anesthesia from damaging her kidneys. She lived only three weeks after surgery. I not only grieve for her, but I'm racked up with remorse for making a foolish decision.

As much as we grieve for our precious baby Ashely, I know it's not the same as the loss of a spouse. It is my opinion that NO grief touches the soul as bone-marrow deeply as does the loss of a spouse. I saw the "preview" in January 2013 when I was told that Jerry was about to die; I dread seeing the "movie" (feels unbearable).

Having your husband's name taken off of everything must hurt you terribly. I am in anticipatory grief (sometimes near-paralyzing fear of future), and I have thought of what I would feel like without Jerry's name on everything -- or on nothing, except junk mail--advertisements offering him great deals after he's gone. I might be feeling some of the things you've felt since your husband was diagnosed. We have been married 46 years, and are exceptionally close.

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I am glad that you have a strong family for support. We are a very close, strong family also, but so very few in number.

Blessings and hugs,

Carrie

[enna]

My dear Dar,

I come to be with you this morning as I read of your recent loss. I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. The things you were talking about “getting rid of” are tangible ones and they will never compare with the memories that will always be with you.

I too begged for my husband’s illness to be over and at the same time wanted it to go away so we could be as we were before his illness. This is not something to be guilty about. It is part of our being human. I have learned that our thoughts are just thoughts and they will come and go ~ all of this is part of the grieving process.

You will not “forget” your loved one. Today it would have been our 42^nd wedding anniversary and my Jim has been gone for over two years. I have not forgotten him. I know you will not forget your husband either.

Advice about the bills given by Kay and fae is good to look into. Please go slow about removing your husband’s name from everything. I still have my Jim’s name on many things we had jointly. This afternoon I’ll be going to the bank to sign the papers to remove Jim’s name from our bank accounts. It has been over two years but I feel this is the time.

Those who come here are very good listeners and we understand about grief. I am keeping you close to my heart as you go through these early months.

Remember to take loving care of yourself so you don’t become ill. Many of us can address that after caring for our own loved ones for so long.

Anne

[Queeniemary]

Dear Dar, I am so very sorry for your loss of your husband. How very sad that he retired only to face cancer. Cancer has taken many members of my family, including my oldest sister. My husband, however, died unexpectedly, in January 2010 of a massive coronary. He had not been ill, no symptoms at all. So it is harder for me to relate, as others can do, about a long illness and being a caregiver. I do know, however, that you have no need to feel any guilt. All you wanted was for him not to suffer, and I know you felt so helpless. You are in still early days of grief, and I am glad you have family support. Please take care of yourself, and come back here often, even if just to read. I have been coming here since April, 2010, and have received much support and loving care from this community of people who are on the same journey that you travel.

QMary

[HisWife]

Dar, the ache in your heart is felt by all the members of this group, unfortunately; the journey we all knew would one day begin but yet never dreamed it would. I loss my husband of 32 years in February 2014 from cancer and getting through all the "firsts" have, at times, exhausted me. I know one should never wish days away but it would not bother me one bit to skip over December with all the celebratory activities being thrown in my face everyday. When I first began reading posts from this forum and people mentioned how the pain does, ever so slowly, begin to not feel so raw, I couldn't believe it. But now, 10 months later, I can attest it is getting slightly better (except when all those "firsts" ambush me).

As far as removing your husband's name from things - I haven't seen the need to rush into this. His name still appears on all my bank documents, stocks, etc. My estate lawyer said that his name can remain forever, if I so choose, because when I pass, my Will/Trust will kick in. I know you have so many things to think about but if you haven't done so, I would update your Will/Trust as soon as you are able to. Also, you may want to contact a financial advisor to discuss the best way to extend your funds (most reputable advisors provide free consultations). Sending you prayers of comfort today. - Sue