Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Finding A New Way Of Being


feralfae

Recommended Posts

Dear Jan,

I am sorry about the bird. Domestic cats and dogs are introduced, unnatural predators most places,certainly all over North America. Audubon has traced the perilous decline of many songbirds to, among other things, cats allowed to roam free. In Alaska, the loose cats hunt the voles and small birds, and we are beginning to see nature going out of balance up there in many places where the little mammals and birds that interacted with and groomed the understory of the forests have been killed off by cats and dogs, so that the entire chain of life in the forests is falling out of balance, then next the lynx and rabbits disappear. Where I live in Montana, the forests already have lost several native, natural species to predatory, introduced, domestic pets.

Cats are great mousers to keep mice out of homes and barns, but left to wander free, they do incredible levels of destruction to native species. Same with free range dogs. We have border collies at the ranch, but of course they are working dogs and trained not to hare off after marmots or rabbits or skunks, etc. They sleep in the house in their beds, so at least they are not out roaming unsupervised. Actually, they are too valuable to have them running free. We are trying to save the marmot, ferret, and jack rabbit populations on the ranch from the neighbors' domestic pets, who wander miles to hunt at times. It is such a huge problem. I know several fellow birders who now routinely shoot roaming cats, shooting any cats they see stalking birds or disturbing nests on their property.

Doug and I put up painted sheet metal cat-stops on many of our trees, but of course the birds nest in smaller bushes and other trees as well, so I try to watch. We are part of a bluebird restoration project, and where we have those boxes, we have done all we could to keep the cats from the nesting boxes. There is a leash law for dogs AND cats in our county, because of the terrible decline of small forest mammals due to predation by cats, mostly.

I routinely call animal control to come take away roaming cats and dogs. Having been a birder all my life, I am especially aware of the problems roaming pets can do to the bird populations. I am glad you can keep Kelbi on a leash while the birds are there. Domestic cats and dogs are simply not a natural part of the wild cycle of life, although they certainly impact it in terrible ways.

I had a meeting with one of the nation's specialists on bird/wind farm interactions while I was in Arizona. I have been investigating adding some wind power to a couple of buildings, and wanted to find out more about how the blades of those large structures are affecting the bird populations. These days, I am happy to report, much consideration is being given to the birds, with nest relocations to places away from wind farms being standard practice now. Flight patterns of hawks are considered when the windmills are being placed as well, to leave free the areas where hawks might be taking advantage of thermals. Lots going on in this area. Fascinating work. And I found out about some new designs for wind generators that have screened covers to keep birds out of the blade areas.

Time for me to go check my new woodpecker boxes today. I had more woodpecker boxes put up to keep the birds from pounding holes in the house, and the flickers seem to have moved right in! A happy ending for us all, I hope.

*<twinkles>*

fae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it's horrible that someone would just shoot a cat unless it's to put it out of it's misery. That's what traps are for, for relocating them. My cats stay on my property, but of course, both are very old...Kitty hasn't climbed trees in years, but she hunts mice and moles, without which my place would be overrun by both, the moles particularly can be quite destructive. Miss Mocha is much too lazy, preferring to lounge on the porch swing or the couch. :) My dog isn't allowed to roam free, but it's harder to contain cats. My neighbor has a cat rescue, has about 24 of them at any given time. She put up a fence around her yard with something at the top that points inward, making it so the cats can't climb over the fence. I guess if a person had a problem with their cats wandering, that's something they could always do. I would think the converse would work as well if you wanted to keep cats out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kay, I think shooting cats is terrible as well.

When cats around here are trapped by animal control, they are taken to a no-kill shelter. I think what needs to happen is that when cats or dogs are adopted, there needs to be a training session about keeping animals on the owner's property or on leashes and under control so they don't kill the little wild animals. Out here, we have open range, so not many fences, and the cost of putting up a fence to keep out pets not under control of their owners is really high. I have seen two neighbors almost come to blows after a dog killed a fawn. The fawn was on a small ranch that is a posted wildlife sanctuary, and the dog was one of several who "pack up" and run the deer, often killing the fawns, and also killing other animals, including rabbits and cats.

I think if people love their pets, they should keep them under control and protected. I have found many dead chipmunks, birds, baby rabbits, and baby jackrabbits on my property. Most of them were partially chewed. When we had cats, years ago, they were de-clawed, indoor cats, not allowed out unless on a leash. Out here, where we all have acres of land, it is hard to patrol it to keep off cats and dogs, or even four-wheelers. I know the guy who is shooting cats had called animal control at least 50 times -- he had the records when he was taken to court for killing a neighbor's cat,and the trial ended up with the neighbor being fined for not heeling his cat under control. Of those 50 times, 43 resulted in trapping a cat, and the owner of 3 cats trapped more than 20 times had paid $1,000 in fines for letting his cats run free. Then the bird-protecting neighbor got an air rifle, then he got a .22. We now have more bluebirds nesting again. And the chipmunks are slowly returning, but not the pine squirrels or jack rabbits or grouse. We are missing so many small mammals and birds since we did our first wildlife census.

It is the responsibility of the pet owner to keep their pet under control and off of private land, not the responsibility of the landowner whose land is being invaded/trespassed by domestic predatory animals.

So, I call the animal control officers. I know them all on a first-name basis, as well as the names of their personal dogs. It is hard to get people to understand the damage that loose domestic pets can do to the land and forests and their natural residents. There is one siamese they have trapped and taken away from my property five times! But most neighbors do walk their cats and dogs on leashes, thank goodness. You have enough property to let your animals out. And I know you love them enough to keep them from being exposed to any dangers. I wish everyone loved their pets enough to care for them as well as they watch and control their children. I am trying to save the little animals who lived here for a long time before this house was here Anywhere there is an urban/wilderness interface, I think we need to be especially sensitive to protecting the natural environment as best we can. Just around our homes and on our property.

Now you got me thinking, so maybe I will write up something for the animal shelter to give to people who adopt pets there. Hmmm...

Thank you for getting me thinking.

*<twinkles>*

fae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I so agree. People do need training in how to care for animals. When I adopted Arlie from a shelter, they had paperwork to sign and it was very candid, about keeping animals on a leash or inside a fenced yard or house. I think the shelters want cats kept in a house, but I didn't adopt my cats from shelters, both of them were homeless and already used to being outside. Once they've had a taste of it, it's really hard to turn them into a house cat 100% of the time. I am lucky though, that both of them are older and aren't interested in straying, they're enjoying their retirement. Some of the neighbors have gotten into rows about their animals, it gets very touchy! We have wild animals here too, so you can't let your animals outside at night. I have a pen for Arlie and he likes to go in it now and then, but it's safe for him.

About 21 years ago my son and I were trying to save a baby swallow. He'd taken great pains to feed it every two hours, even setting his alarm to do so (he was ten at the time). We were just making it past the hump where we felt it was going to make it, and an animal opened it's cage and killed it. I don't know if it was a cat or a raccoon or what. We hadn't thought it possible for it to undo the latch, but I guess they're smarter than we give them credit for. My son was crushed!

We're 65 miles from animal control and they don't come out unless they deem it quite serious. Last year a neighbor left an anonymous note at a neighbor's saying if they didn't keep their dogs quiet they were going to poison them. The owners were very upset...we all knew who wrote the note, although we couldn't prove it, because she had a history of doing so, so we talked with them about our suspicions. The animal control officer did come up and intimidated the suspected letter writer and we haven't had any more such instances. The dog owners put up a fence to keep them in the back yard, which helped, although didn't totally alleviate the noise. They got shock collars to train them with but you have to be very consistent if you attempt this method, which they weren't, so it didn't help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kay, I hope Arlie's pen has a good top. When we lived up Lolo trail, we had a neighbor's beautiful yellow lab taken by a mountain lion—very near our house! Yards away! Not even a tenth of a mile. They had a twelve-foot chain link fence, but no top. The lion got in, took Juniper, and hauled her out over that fence. Lots of fur and hair, but no lion and no dog. None of us even heard Juniper bark. So much for the alert watch dogs! After that, we all checked the trees for lions when we took out the trash at dawn or dusk. And a we had a moose who slept in the raspberry patch for a while. In winter, there were elk in the yard. Juniper used to steal our running shoes if we left them outside after our morning runs. We had to hang them on wooden pegs. :)

So, make sure Arlie is safe if you live in a place wild enough to still have lions. (Did I mention that the ranch lion who lives in a cave, and is obviously female, is named "Fluffy" by me? Everyone knows of whom I speak.)

I loved living where there are moose in the raspberry patch and elk in the winter. I imagine your place is such a haven, a sanctuary for you. There is incredible healing and solace in the heart of nature, isn't there? I hated being in Phoenix and Tucson -- big cities! The lights of the city have lost their charm for me. I think I am about ready for the Aurora Borealis, especially since I have a series designed for that motif. :)

I will have two weeks of throwing time starting Thursday. Horray!

I am going to post some birding stuff here when I get everything put away, and the house sort of re-opened more than it yet is.

This is Fourth Month of May for me since Doug escaped. I remember May of 2012, with Doug's memorial services for the climbing community and for his spirit family/tribe. I was in terrible pain and would soon be facing emergency surgery. But I did it, I hosted the gathering in Alaska. :) How far I have come! I can feel a sense of "me" again, and there is a heart beating here, and I am physically stronger, as well as more emotionally resilient. I am more and more able to hold Doug in my heart and cherish all the beautiful memories.

This is still a healing time for me. I am busy with some clay stuff, but I have only recently begun to form the shapes I want to make, because it takes a while for hands to learn a new shape. And the designs are coming together, as well as planning the tones for when the pieces are rung. Yes, porcelain does that. :).

This series seems to have the name Earths Harmonics already, now all I must do is make about 50 and get them fired. :)

*<twinkles>*

fae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There are occasional cougars here but not usually close to the houses...I did encounter one a few years ago when I was taking Skye to the bathroom in my back yard about 1 am. That made the hair stand out on my neck as it hissed at us! I had a roof put on the pen when I got him. It must be good because when I had my internet installed, they refused to put it on my house because it's a mobile home. It's nestled into a hill, it's a doublewide with a large porch and a huge back patio and a 36' ramp that wraps around it. The tongue was removed when they set it up. Do they really think I'm going to drive it off with their dish??? Never mind that I signed on the dotted line to be responsible to pay for it...or that I've lived here for 38 years, do they think I'm going to make off with it in the middle of the night? The funny clincher is they installed it on the roof of my dog pen! Maybe they think it's sturdier or will last longer? They could be right! :D

You are industrious with your clay! You'll have to post a picture of your art when you are done, we'd love to see a sample!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kay, I will post some photos when I get some pieces through the process - throwing, firing, glazing, firing again. It takes a while.

nattering . . .

I decided that, although I did not want to go, I'd go to meeting yesterday, and as a treat, stop and buy the Sunday paper at the grocery store on the way to meeting. While I was at the grocery store, I decided to get a dozen beautiful pale salmon roses, and give one to each of the mothers at meeting. I knew I'd still have half a dozen or so to bring home (our meeting is a small group, and we have meeting in the activity room at one of the retirement communities). When I got to the building, there was a dear elderly woman, probably about 90, standing with her walker, telling the receptionist about how she had outlived her two children. So of course I had to give her a rose. Then the receptionist said she had three children, so I gave a rose to her. There were a couple of other women, both with walkers, sort of wandering around, so I gave them each a rose. Then I went upstairs for meeting, and gave roses to the mothers there. I had one left, which I had planned to bring home. But when I got back downstairs, there was a darling fellow of advanced years playing the piano for everyone, and very well. So I gave my last rose to him, and he smiled at me while he continued to play.

My darling grandson Sterling called from Houston. He has been through some tough times as well, and we talked a little about that and his plans to finish his degree. He is heading into his last semester, with only a few credits left to complete his degree, which he should have by Christmas. Then he is thinking of grad.school or pharmacy school, but not sure where he wants to be in 5 years yet.

Meanwhile, I watched "The Way" again, and realized that crying during the movie is very cathartic and helpful for me. Lots of emotional energy gets released. Then I watched "Lovely, Still" with Ellen Burnstein and Leonard Nemoy, which is about a family's struggle with the father's Alzheimer's. It is a beautiful story, and gave me a deeper appreciation for what Mary, Anne, and others have faced and endured. We are all such fragile creatures in our physical health and in our loving hearts.

I read Harry's article on taking off his ring this morning. Working in the studio means I wear no jewelry, of course, but I often slip my ring back on, because I do not feel fully dressed without it. I am so glad we have Harry to share his journey with beautiful eloquence. Then I read an article on sorting and and clearing things. I still have so much of that to do. I am working on being patient with myself, recognizing that between health issues, dealing with the bad stuff, and losing Doug, I need to be as gentle with myself as it takes for as long as it takes for me to feel ready. Harry's patience with his process, and his self-awareness, help me to realize how slow and incremental this journey can be.

But at the same time, I am getting a lot done, and I think for humans who live in this western culture, it is tough to not feel the need to accomplish, to do, to be active. We are not a contemplative culture, even filling what could be quiet times with television too often. I am always amazed to visit people and find televisions on and blaring, although no one is actually watching them. Maybe it is company for them.

It is a beautiful sunny day here today. I am slowly cleaning flower beds and starting to get the yard in better shape. Life has a slow rhythm right now, and that is just fine with me. Tomorrow is the last day of my "vacation-staycation" and then I must get back to desk work, more studio work, and also return to my trauma therapy sessions. But today, I am wrapping little gifts for people, doing a bit of cleaning, and simply letting myself be. :) Maybe some studio time, too. I think of you all so very often, wondering how you are doing on your journeys, wishing we could have tea or coffee and long talks, and so very grateful to at least have this wonderful fire to gather 'round and share our journeys and what we are learning.

I hope everyone is enjoying the beauty of the day.

*<twinkles>*

fae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I watched Fools Rush In last night, it'd been a long time since I'd seen it and it's a delightful movie about young love.

Your handing out roses sounds wonderful and I knew you wouldn't have any to bring home! :)

It's going to rain here all week.

Time to walk Arlie & get to work at the church!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your post is inspiring dear Fae. I loved what you did with the roses.

Your grandson Sterling is still so young and has time to decide what he's going to do with his life. With the way things are going in our world today, I often worry about my own grandchildren and how they will be when they are adults.

Movies and music have always been a way for me to connect with my emotions. More now since Jim died. I find it cathartic to allow the tears to fall.

I think many of us are realizing that this grief journey we are on will be forever. The deep pain will ease and we will learn to be resilient on this journey, but there will always be that piece of our heart that is hurting.

I too read Harry's article again and take comfort in his words. I think we all learn from one another. My ring stays on my finger for now.

I hope you get back to spending time in your studio. I have decided to take a class in pottery at our Arts and Craft center. Something is drawing me to feel the clay in my fingers. A little break from my coloring.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear friends

I walked down Spurn Point, my beloved peninsula, today, with the former warden. He is older than me and knows so much about the area. I, of course, wished it was Pete I was walking with, but I cope with tnose moments as I'm sure you all do. We have to. I feel close to Pete when I walk there because we have spent so many many hours there. The weather was good and I enjoyed it. Kelbi can't come because dogs aren't allowed. She will have to be on a lead in the garden for the summer so that the birds are safe. Not all dogs chase birds but sadly she does.

I loved your rose story Fae. As you may know our Mother's Day in England is linked to the Lent calendar so varies with that. I can't remember which Sunday it is but it was always called Mothering Sunday when girls in service were allowed a day off so that they could visit their mothers.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I like that idea, Jan, of allowing girls off to be with their mothers...they don't do that here but as it's always on a Sunday, a lot of them have it off already.

I'm glad you got to walk down Spurn Point, I know you love it. As fae recently mentioned, we find much healing in nature, for me, it's filling.

Does Kelbi have enough room in the house to run so she can get exercise if not allowed to run free in the yard?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's always on a Sunday here too, but in tnose bad old days servants worked just about every day.

Kelbi gets two walks daily of about three quarters of an hour each (I am obsessed!) so she doesn't do too badly. And in the garden when I'm working there I tie her up. It's not the same as being free though!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Usually I take Arlie to my neighbor's to run and play with his dog once a day, but today it's raining all day so he didn't get that, only his two walks a day. :( Kelbi gets about the same and Arlie does!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Anne, I am excited for you that you are taking a pottery class. Will you be working on a wheel? This is going to be so much fun for you. Clay on your fingers, indeed, and probably on your clothes, hair and elbows as well. :) Have entirely too much fun!

Jan, is it possible to put in a dog run for Kelbi, her own space to run in and a place she can play, where she can "own" the area and the birds can learn to stay out of her space? I don't know it this works, but it is just a thought.

Kay, we had rain last night, and it is supposed to be a little warmer today. I hope you are having some peaceful days without much stress, and able to just love yourself and relax with your fur family.

*<twinkles>*

fae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The elders in our church have asked me to be the new church secretary but I'm inclined to turn it down. I just don't want to go back to the rush-rush-rush routine and miss Arlie's latter years and worry about driving in snow any more than I have to...all of these things factor in. Plus it's taken me time to get used to retirement and I feel my life is a good balance right now, and I've grown fond of the senior at the Senior Center and would miss being there with them...all for a mere pittance of pay that wouldn't make any real difference in my life anyway. ($10/hour 20 hours/wk Tu-Fr), I'm already down there on Mondays volunteering my time as Treasurer plus the other times they need me to come in.

We're having rain all week but we badly need it and more! My creek is the lowest I've seen it in the 38 years I've lived here and I'm concerned it could dry up this summer, leaving ducklings, beaver, and fish without a home. :/ So I'm praying for more rain and even snow in the mountains!

fae, Your idea for Kelbi is a great idea! I don't know why I didn't think of it. We used to have a stake in the ground that Skye had a long chain attached to and he could reach a good deal of the ground without being able to reach under the patio to chew up the lumber. :) For a while we had a cable going across the yard and his chain was affixed to it so he had even more territory as the chain would slide back and forth across the cable, really giving him a lot of room to run and play in. I got the hardware for each at our home improvement store and checked the pound strength of each when purchasing.

I am jealous of you girls with your pottery, that sounds so much fun!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

. . . nattering, coming over from the Quotes thread to here. :)

After all this time, I am beginning to feel safe in my house again. I got in the car a while ago, and drove into town, just to be out and to drive. I am moving through a paradigm shift, and I needed to move faster than I could walk. So many things happening very fast these days...

I think I am going to start a thread over on New Beginnings if the *<Angels>* keep weaving such beautiful patterns for me.

People who would not speak to me three years ago or who were very skeptical, due to having been slightly infected with greed and maybe jealousy viruses, seem to be getting healthier. I have been invited to join the board of the club. But now, three years later, at least a lot of things are cleared up and straightened out. And I got to spend my time and energy healing, which I am still doing, but I am much better.

I don't know if I want to be on the Board yet. Those climber guys, some of them have very big egos. Which, at their ages, comes across as immaturity more than anything else. Great guys, but some still caught in the ego thing. I had to give equal time to two distinct philosophical camps at the Doug's memorial service just so they could rag each other. Then, I had to get the undisputed leader of the pack, a neutral dear friend, not a climber, but the Big Guy in Fairbanks, to get up and settle them down with a humorous tribute to Doug. He got them smiling. And these are men around my age! Climbers! Adventurers! Explorers! Superb gentlemen and brilliant, each in his own field, writing for NatGeo, professors, amazing guys. But whew! they can be a hand-full. And these were Doug's men, because of course he saw himself as the leader, which he usually was on climbs and in their philosophical positions with respect to the ethics of climbing.

(I just knew this was going to be a long natter)

So, I have offered a counter-proposal and a vision, which they really need. I am raising the bar. We will review the present structure of the executive board. Doug said they would call me back after a "couple of years" which I had thought meant two.

So this is my first anniversary gift from Doug: the board invitation. I feel deliciously vindicated. Excuse me while I crow just a tiny bit. :)

Then, during a call with my cousin, she fondly mentioned Doug, and how much she misses him, and that it will be good to spread some of his ashes at the ranch, which I will do over Memorial Day, when we also visit the family graves out at Fort Washakie, where we decorate with red ochre. (I have the ochre, because I use it in glaze recipes.) And we talked about Doug, and how he loved being there. And we will also be scattering our dear friend's ashes, a climber who showed Doug where to climb walls on the ranch. And they did. :)

I am having such good memories these days, of times of great beauty and joy. Going out to sleep under the light of the stars in the shadow of Baboquivari was a time of wonderful healing for me. Being under the stars, where the starlight cast shadows on Baboquivari and the Milky Way arched brightly above me, while the coyotes sang to each other across the savannah, I remembered so much of the beauty of the life I have lived. I have had an awesome life so far. I have dared and done some pretty neat stuff, at least by my personal, private reckoning. I love my life. I am getting excited again about being alive. Each day is such a gift. I remember, not that long ago, when I woke each day with a sense of adventure, to see what I could solve, what I could create on that day, how I could use my body for fun, often climbing. That sense of adventure and fun is returning. At some deep, psychic level of my energetic body, healing is happening with highly recognizable results, which I can feel.

Doug took me to Baboquivari the first time I was there. Another gift from Doug. It is very nice to look around at my life and see all the gifts from Doug that are still coming in to my life.

So, as I approach our anniversary and Doug's birthday, I simply want to express my deep gratitude to my Creator for all the love and beauty that flows into my life each day. This is a whole new way of living—on so many levels and with so many meanings—that I know it is going to take a while to sort it all out.

I am healing. Healing from the trauma. I am convinced that we need to focus human energy on healing the Earth—and all life—from trauma.

At the level of my spirit, I am beginning to love and celebrate my own sense of myself again. Being here with you has been a significant Leading for me. I have been led to a new level of awareness, of compassion, and of self-knowing. Because trauma made me forget who I am, and healing from trauma means I get to discover and validate my true self, with a caring examination of my identity. A good opportunity to clean up some stuff that needs clearing. But I do not recommend trauma as a way to healing. Actually, I wouldn't recommend grief as a way to healing, either, but we know that it is. I have come to understand grief as a way of being, an active state of being that is how the body and spirit gradually heal from the trauma of loss. Grieving is not an emotional state which one can easily examine, as one can feel anger and examine it rather than acting on the emotion.

With grief, it felt as though I was in an alternate reality, where I had no power to resolve any of my own feelings, where I had no power to create my life, where I had no power to defend myself or even take care of myself. I had no power. Death had come, and I had no power to stop the process. And in response, my own process became the process of grieving, not only Doug's escape, but the loss of my sense of perfect efficacy as well.

I see now, from this perspective of time, how important it is to be reminded about self care, about putting off major decisions, about focusing on self and survival. None of it can matter when we have lost control of our hearts, and have felt them break within us. None of it can matter when the world has become a dark, shadowy and cold place, with no light and love left that can comfort us. Lost in this place of no power, how can it matter what we do or do not do?

But, because we are truly loved, some Malakh reaches out to us, speaks to us, gives us some words that were just what we needed to hear, and the grief begins to flow, becomes a torrent, and we learn to control the process, to lessen its ability to sweep us off our feet, to leave us ungrounded. If we ask, I think we find places around fires like this one where we learn how to live with this process, how to honor it and welcome it, to bring it into awareness for ourselves and for others, and to share our healing story. And then, by the Grace of G*d, we begin to grow stronger, and to move into our healing with more and more compassion, patience, determination, and willingness to participate in the process.

And so I continue to heal.

*<twinkles>*

fae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is nice to have a vote of confidence, so to speak, but not always the best thing for us to involve ourselves in something just because someone wants us to. I hope you consider first and foremost what is best for YOU at this time in coming to your decision.

This is so important: "I see now, from this perspective of time, how important it is to be reminded about self care, about putting off major decisions, about focusing on self and survival".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow! That is exactly the quote I picked out Kay when reading Fae's nattering. I think we only learn self-care when we start to sit with our grief.

"Feeling safe" in an environment that you once didn't, Fae, is major healing.

Your words cause me to stop and reflect. Thank You.

Continue to "love and celebrate" yourself. I for one am here for your nattering. :wub:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear friends

Don't worry about Kelbi, she can go in the garden on a long leash and she gets two walks daily anyway. Am just a bit troubled about her as she is slowing down. She is 9 this month so I suppose is middle aged. But as she has always been such a hyper dog I worry if she isn't hyper! Even though it makes life easier.

Yesterday was the third anniversary of Pete's Farewell, which I couldn't call a funeral. Just couldn't. Words are so powerful. I can say 'he died' but I can't bear people to say 'the late Pete Crowther'. I can't bear to think he had to have a funeral so I insisted on calling it the Farewell. It happened on a beautiful May morning, his favourite month.

Anyway a good thing happened yesterday as my friend from the next village helped me get my new web page on line. It's to help with our campaign to save this area from over development. Pete would thoroughly approve (does do). So long as I live I shall feel he is close I hope. Not close enough though.

Fae I love reading your musings. I'm glad you find yourself in quite a good place.

Here is the link to my new page

http://www.wilgilsland.co.uk/page41.html

Jan

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh Jan, I like your new web site. I like learning about what is going on at Spurn. Thinking of you during these special days. We do know how hard they are, don't we! I added Kelbi's picture to my Pinterest board. Can you add him here for others to see what a sweet boy he is?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Jan,

I woke up this morning, remembering where I was three years ago. I was in Alaska, preparing for Doug's two-day memorial celebration to be held May 19-20 in Fairbanks. I could not bear to have a funeral either. And the best I could say was that Doug had escaped. He did not feel dead to me: he still does not feel dead to me, just in a different energy state.

I am amazed and grateful to be alive after these three years of such grief and trauma. I am thankful that I have made it this far, and that life is slowly settling in to a more peaceful pattern of day-to-day life. I have learned to be more gentle, accepting, and compassionate with myself. I am learning to adapt to this new life.

More of my work now is centered on the land rights of traditional cultures, reviewing the takings going on in many places around Earth, where people are being displaced from their ancestral lands to make room for "progress" which is usually a byword for destroying a traditional culture and herding the people into "settlement" facilities, which is, truth be told, a way to concentrate pools of human labor for corporate use. Not a pretty picture, yet I see it going on in many nations. This was an area in which Doug and I had been working for many, many years.

Jan, I was delighted to visit your web pages, to read some of Pete's poetry, to read about your interests, look at the various pages, and delight in the images. Your talent, depth, and works are both impressive and inspiring, and I hope you can save your beautiful area from ugly development. You have my very best wishes.

I scattered some of Doug's ashes in the forest yesterday, in the rain, leaving small scatterings at some of his favorite places, thinking of the wonderful times we had. Next week, to mark our anniversary and Doug's birthday, I will spend Tuesday remembering our years together and thanking Creator for having had such a wonderful, miraculous (magic) life with Doug.

I wish Doug were still here in this physical world, but it comforts me that he is still here in this energetic world and that I can feel his presence in my heart.

We have made it three years. I never thought I would, that first year. I find my life still shifting and changing, and I have no idea where life may carry me. I am incredibly thankful to have this place, to have all of you who are on this journey, to share your insights, coping, adjustments, and grief with me. How much I learn here in how to make this journey!

We carry on.

namaste,

fae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jan, I am impressed and so hopeful that you will be able to save your beloved spurn! You've done a great job with the website and I love the pictures. Three years...it's funny, to me it no way seems ten years (next month) but in a way it feels like forever, too.

Last night I dreamed I couldn't get a hold of George, when I called him on the cellphone, it was like he was on webcam, I could see him, sometimes hear him but sometimes he was on mute, but he couldn't hear/see me. I thought maybe his cellphone was in his pocket but then I wouldn't have been able to see him! It goes to show he's still very much on my mind and in my heart and it bothers me that I can't reach him, interact with him, talk to him. This is the most excruciating sentence one could ever have. :angry:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had to go find Kelbi after you posted, I wasn't expecting black! So adorable!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...