feralfae

Finding A New Way Of Being

331 posts in this topic

fae,

It is so good to hear from you!  I've always appreciated your gems of wisdom and caring heart.

Five years.  It's odd how it doesn't seem possible yet it's hard to fathom that life before as it seems so long ago, all at the same time.  I guess death seems ageless, timeless.  It definitely feels a lifetime ago when I had George by my side.  The happiest time in my life.  

It is a lot of work, processing their death, it took me a long while.  I think while I was busy working and commuting I didn't have time to complete that process, including building a life for myself that I could live with, finding purpose in my life, but I feel I've finally done that, although I'm not sure, like you, that the process is ever complete.  I think we grieve the rest of our lives but it is ever changing form.  Learning self care seems a part of that process.

Yes, we do come to appreciate and value life in a different way once we see how precarious and fleeting it can be.

 

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I read these posts and hope I can share the same sentiment and give others the same encouragement when I find myself at five years.  Right now, I am just passed two years and for the most part recently have found a sense of balance (though it doesn't stay for long enough).  I have recently been thinking about going back to grief counseling for a time.  There have been some events recently that have brought up new feelings and emotions...some that I do not like very much.  It is hard to sort through them on my own.  Two events have recently shaken my "balance" and have left me feeling somewhat off-kilter.  One of them is a very dear friend and co-worker is leaving.  He has been one of my core people; he was with me the entire day that Mark died, and has always been my rock and gave me a sense of stability here at work.  We, of course, will remain friends and get together.  But it will now be very different where I work.  I spoke at his going away party, and it was not easy.  He was there on the happiest day of my life, when Mark and I were married, and he dropped everything on his schedule to be with me at the hospital and afterwards the day Mark died.  I wish him nothing but the very best as he moves on to find a new path.  The other event is not something I feel able to discuss...it has more to do with how I am FEELING about it, not what happened.  My personal views are MY issue, and I am trying to find a way to work through them.  My whole way of looking at things and my personal principles are being tested.  I have dealt very well with learning how to handle the sadness and feelings of losing Mark and never having him here again...mostly by compartmentalizing everything.  I know I was still in shock at 18 months, and my brain has not yet recovered back to the way it was before Mark died.  I have tried to compensate for that by simplifying things in my life...but many times it is still so frustrating for me.  I have learned to take the time and be more compassionate to those who find themselves on a grief journey of their own, but I also want to have the option to have my right to grieve for as long as needed.  I haven't been posting too much lately, because my thoughts change so frequently and I don't want to give mixed messages to those who need the stability of our experience. As always, I am very hard on myself.  

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Maryann,

I trust you to find your way, whether it be through more grief counseling or some other way.  You've shown me to be a person that is introspective and capable, I wish you well on this continuing journey.  I'm sorry for your friend leaving, I know all too well that adjustment.

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I guess I left out a third event that might be affecting my outlook.  I am not sure if you have seen the news stories lately, but I work at a Jewish community center, and on Monday we were one of the cities that received a bomb threat.  It was what they called a non-credible one, and honestly I was not afraid because I did not think there was an actual bomb in our building.  We had put in a protocol and practiced it, because we felt it was inevitable that our facility would also get a call. I guess I wasn't afraid for my life, because if there was a bomb, and it went off...it would give me a chance to be with Mark sooner.  I never really think about how much our building is a target, especially in these hateful times we live in...but Mark did.  He was always concerned that something like this would happen.  I am thankful he was not alive to see it happen; that he did not have to have a reason to be afraid.

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Maryann,

I am sorry that you and your workplace went through this.  I'm glad there was no bomb and you were safe.  It's interesting how we who look forward with hope of being joined with our spouses are not afraid of dying ourselves.  I'm not sure that I thought about it much beforehand, but I definitely view it as a path to him and not something to fear.

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Maryann, I am sorry to read that you workplace was threatened, it is disgusting that such things still happen, it shouldn't.

I also stopped being affraid to die. I am not actively waiting for that, looking forward, but if it happens, it happens. My pain will be over too. At the same time my parents will have to go through this awful journey and I don't want them to. 

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