littlebee Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 a month ago on december 16th at 5:00 pm, 3 of my chihuahuas ran off from home y manage to hold the littlest while I have a Baby I was babysitting in my arms. I tried to go after them and I did for a couple of minutes, but the baby was heavy and I couldn't run, I have to return home because it was cold and I worried the baby could get sick for the cold. 30 minutes later one of them came back and scratch at the door I opened and I felt relieved for her. I kept looking by the windows in hope to see them. My husband wasn't home, he took the car to the mechanic, when I called him, he could not come home earlier because they were already working in the car. When he came home at 9:00 he went looking for them the two that still missed and didn't find them, he came back at 11:00pm and went to sleep on the sofa. almost at that time the Mother of the baby I was taking care of came to pick her up. I put my jacket and I went to keep searching, it was so dark and cold, I didn't dare to go too far, I wanted to wake up my husband and together we could have gone farther. at 2:00 I went to sleep somehow I was thinking they are going to be fine, because the 5 year old, she's the older has ran off alone other times and she always came back. the next morning I wake up to send my son to school, I didn't tell him they were lost, I didn't wanted to worried him. and when he went on the bus. I went to keep searching less than an hour I was back home empty handed. My husband came at 9:00am, He ask permit in his work for an hour to come home and see if They returned, So we went in the car and ask to some people if they have seen them. no My husband left me home and returned to work, five minutes later he came back, I could see in his face something was wrong, he had a hard time breathing while he told me, he saw my chiquiniña ( spanish for little girl) on the highway 10 or 12 miles away and she was dead, I didn't believe it, I tought maybe he's confused maybe it is other little animal, somehow i was calm I went and took 2 big plastic bags and went with him we have to park the car a little far because there is no place park on that street and the cars really go fast in that area. there is not even a space for walking on the edge. with difficulty we arrived and when she was in front of me. she was my baby, I screamed in pain, I grabbed her with the platic bags and hug her, I don't know how my husband bring us home and ask me if I wanted to bury her, I just moved my head no. I was crying unconsolable, I just wanted to keep holding her in my arms saying "I'm sorry, my baby, I love you, God nooo don't take her away from me, why" I keep repeating that and crying. My husband went back to work, I didn't want to be left alone with that pain, but I could not seem to find the words to tell him. I sat in a chair in the kitchen just holding her in my arms, looking at her little face, I was there for hours until I hear kids coming back from school, I saw at the clock 3:00 pm in an hour more my son would be back, and I didn't want him to know so sudden. I just hold her a little more then I went and put her little body in the backyard, didn't buried yet. Went to wash my face. when my son arrived he saw that there were only two of them and he ask me where are the other two, then I told him they ran off, he was so angry. I could not tell him that we found one dead. (until now he doesn't know) when my husband came from work, We took my chiquiniña's body, and went to a friend and ask her to allow us to bury my bb in her backyad, and there we buried her. then we went to keep searching for the other one, making copies of pictures, putting posters, asking people. we didn't find her, then night came, I went to sleep crying, my husband wake me up at 4:00am, she came back, somehow she find the way back home. my life is not the same, I found this grieving page 2 weeks after that, the first week I was in shocked, I didn't eat for 4 days, almost didn't drink anything, didn't sleep or sleep a couple of hours and this brutal pain wake me up again. I found this forum and I read and knowing that I'm not alone, there is more caring loving people that know how i feel, it's been really helpfull. every day I cry, I feel so sad, I try to be strong for my husband my son and my other 3 furry babies. one the mother is 4 and half years old, the niece of her is almost 4 years, the littlest is 1 year old. my chiquiniña was 3 years old (she was the one I love the most. I don't know why) I love them so deeply, Now I am afraid of losing them too. someone can tell me if some day am I no longer feel this sadness, and a day am I not gonna cry, A day when I'm not gonna feel this pain every time I wake up in the morning, or a night when I came to sleep without feeling this pain hollow void in my inside, or a night when the pain is not going to wake me up. Am i gonna be happy again? I'm sorry for my grammar, my maternal lenguage is spanish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Your story has tugged at my heart, Ilttlebee. I am so glad that you came here to share with us. We love our pets and know how very much it hurts when we don't have them anymore. I think your sadness will ease even though you will always have that hole in your heart. One day you will start to remember the happy memories of your chiquiniña. How old is your son? It is important that children know that life and death are natural. Your writing is beautiful and you do not need to apologize for how you write. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Dear Littlebee, My heart goes out to you, and I am sad for your loss. Your hurt goes as deeply as your love, and so the hurt is deep. The trauma makes your hurting even worse. I'm still experiencing outbursts of grief for our Ashely (Doxie), and she died last October 10th. You are experiencing raw grief right now, but there will likely come a time when you will not cry as hard, and not every day. You likely can expect the sudden outbursts of grief. When this happens, I know of nothing else to do, except to "cry it out." You will not cry like this forever. You will always have a room for your baby in your heart, and in that room, your baby will live. Anne has lost her little Benji, so she understands your pain well. I would be delighted could I write Spanish as well as you write English. Feel good about your writing, and come back and let us know how you are feeling whenever you want to. Blessings and hugs, Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebee Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 thank you Anne for your words. my son is 14 years old. I really wanted to tell him and that we could comfot each other, and for him to participate in the burial, but his reactions when he's confronted with stressfull situations are some times difficult to manage. He has anger issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebee Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 thank you, ladycarrie for your kind words. It has been very difficult for me I could not return to normal, she filled much of my days with joy , my other female dogs fall into sadness occasionally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 ❤️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 I am so sorry for your loss, I know once in a lifetime we have one that is closer than all others, don't know why, maybe their own personality or something about them, and I'm sorry for you that you are missing this one. You asked if you'll ever be happy again. Yes, you will, but it will not be the same as your old happiness...you see, loss changes us and always there is a place in our heart that misses them, but we do learn to continue life, it's just not the same after that it was before. But you will have much happiness in time, there will be moments you feel happy for your son, moments you feel happy for your husband, and moments you feel happy for your other dogs, and other moments of happiness just you yourself. My husband was everything to me and I lost him 9 1/2 years ago. I did not think I could go on without him, I couldn't imagine how the world could continue without him...but somehow I have, and you will too. Right now I have a dog I am especially close to...I know I will lose him someday, they don't live as long as we do. When that time comes, it will feel like it killed me inside, but I will have to go on, and with even more time, I will learn to smile at the thought of him and not just feel the painful pang of loss, although I think to some extent we carry that with us as long as there's breath inside of us. It does get more manageable. Again, I am so sorry. I pray you find the words and heart to help your son through this as well. I hope you will read the other posts in this section and especially read the links Marty has posted that will give you help in explaining to a child and memorializing a dog, those rituals can have substantial meaning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebee Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 thank you KayC for your comforting words. And I'm sorry for your loss. thank you Anne and I'm sorry for your little Benji. thank you Carrie and Im sorry for your Ashely. Thanks for your time and your heart , I send you all a big hug and my heart is with you too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted January 22, 2015 Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Hi, It is my intention to find a particular photo of Ashely to put here. Your baby is lovely. Please feel my arms wrapped around you in a big, warm hug. Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebee Posted January 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2015 thank you carrie, that picture is from days after she was born, when she began to leave the house of her mother out to explore. I will try to put one more recent at the bottom of this post. one more of my regrets is that I just have a few pictures, I wish I had taken more photos of her. Every night before I go to sleep I need to see her and I see her pictures, same every morning. thank you for the hug, I feel the energy you send me and I'm grateful for it. in one of the pictures is with her little sister, they used to play all the time chiquiniña was a very good sister, very patient and loving with menina, the first days after we lost her I saw menina many times looking for her trying to find her, It was very painful. yesterday in the afternoon I have a couple of hours feeling at peace, was seeing pictures of her in the bedroom and my husband came, we were talking about her remembering, then we went to play with the other 3, we sat at the sofa and they jump to sit on our laps. After some minutes my husband fell asleep in there and the 2 older ones with him. the smaller in my lap, I just realized in that moment that although I felt some sadness , I was not feeling this pain in the belly I've felt since I lost my chiquiniña. Later at night It came that pain again. I been praying, Reading the Bible, calling my sisters, my mom. we don't talk about my feelings. Just one of my sisters seems to undestand me although she has not had any animal friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 23, 2015 Report Share Posted January 23, 2015 I meant to tell you that your little chiquiniña is adorable, esp. the eyes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted January 24, 2015 Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Dear Littlebee, Kay is right. How could one not get lost in those eyes? Truly, the eyes of animals show their sweet souls. I guess I'm a bit different from some people. I find myself avoiding Ashely's photographs, because the pain hits so hard when I look at them. Her eyes, especially in her last photos, make me cry, "I want her back!" I have begun to force myself to look at her photos, so that I can get used to looking at them. I don't know that it's working one bit yet. Some make laugh and cry at the same time. When we lost our little red sable girl Doxie named Catey Elizabeth, in 2000, I put her photos away, and could not look at them. When I look at them now, I hurt all over again. I've learned that it didn't help to put them away, for now it feels sort of like I just lost her. Perhaps had I not been a coward back then, maybe I would be "used to" her photos, and I wouldn't hurt now. I'm not really convinced. I tell myself that if I can force myself to look at the photos of Jerry (husband) standing on the spot that will someday be his grave, I can look at Ashely's photographs. It likely sounds strange that I look at the photos that I took of the plot we purchased recently, but I do it in an effort to prepare myself. I am trying to face a challenge that I cannot avoid. I took the photos so that we will know exactly which plot we bought. Jerry stood on it for the photo so that there will no doubt in future. We both felt such emotion while I took the photo, and we knew we were talking in the language of "Heart to Heart." If sharing photos of Ashely with you would ease your hurt, I would send some to you right away. I know that won't help though. I'm sorry. I have many photos of Ashely, as well as of her two cousins, Callie and Beauregard, who live with us. I knew through the years as I took them that I would be tempted to avoid them (like with Catey's photos), but I determined that would look. I do, but it hurts SO badly. I'm not finding comfort from them. I feel pain and longing instead. Ashely and Callie slept with Jerry and me, but now Callie sleeps with Amberly, our daughter, due to Jerry's health. Callie and Beauregard belong to Amberly, but all three babies lived with us for fourteen years (all 14 when Ashely died). Living with three Doxies at the same time has been a chaotic, often hilarious, experience. The only change I would make is to bring back our little Black and Tan girl baby. We bought them from a breeder near San Diego. We needed to make that long drive several times, beginning soon after they were born, before we were allowed to bring them home with us. We brought Beauregard home first, because he is five weeks older than our girls. Ashely was one day older than Callie. What happy days we've had with them! I can't imagine being "Doxieless." Because we have been in the Valley all day, I'm quite tired, and I am sure my writing is a mirror of my scattered thoughts. I'll try to write better tomorrow. I just wanted to drop in tonight to let you know that I'm thinking of you, and that I care that you're hurting. I'm so glad you have your other babies to bring you comfort, yet the others definitely cannot take the place of the one lost. Each is very special in his or her own self. I'm glad we have Callie and Beauregard, but I still miss my wee girl SO much. Hugs, Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 24, 2015 Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Your post reminds me of a woman who attended my pet loss support group some years ago, Carrie. She was mourning the death of her beloved black cat, and she too could not bear to look at any pictures of him, even after a year. Yours is a classic example of the fact that what brings comfort to some of us does not bring comfort to all of us. Everyone is different in his or her reactions to loss, and it's so important to respect and honor those individual needs and choices. What matters most is to discover what brings YOU comfort, and to pay attention to that. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 24, 2015 Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Amen to that! As we've said before, there is no right way or wrong way to grieve, only YOUR way! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted January 24, 2015 Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Thank you, dear Marty and Kay. I think I'm learning that avoidance is a mistake for me. It hurts. I run (I split!). Running doesn't help; instead, it postpones pain. You would think that I'm old enough to have learned this lesson. Perhaps I learned in early childhood to put the pain away, because I received no help by being open (I'm being more open here than I've ever been, I think). I don't think I was aware that I react to pain with avoidance until we thought Jerry was going to die. I didn't know where I was going, but I intended to go "somewhere." I felt like I had to be anywhere but where I was. When I look back at how I've handled pain, it's the challenges that I face head on (even if years later) that I get through (not over). I hear the words "grief work" here, but I'm not really sure what the work part is (the How to?). Blessings and hugs to both of you. Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 24, 2015 Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Carrie, my dear, regarding what is meant by "grief work," you might find this article helpful: Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief ~ and be sure to see some of the Related Articles at the base as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebee Posted January 26, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2015 thank you all for your kindness. she was so sweet, always following me around, they weren't allowed upstairs since some months ago because the littlest one didn't respect the carpet upstairs. Now This is one more of my regrets, because when I was upstairs they couldn't be with me, sometimes she did came upstairs and y send her back, those memories now are so painful, all the time that I lost that I could be with her. the guilt sometimes I came to the forum and I just can't write because the pain is so overwhelming when my husband and my son are home I feel a little better, sad but not overwhelming. yesterday my son went to a friend's house and my husband was with me, since I wake up I felt so beat down so sad, we went to buy groceries, and the whole time I wanted to cry, when we were back home I could not contain more and I cried so hard, my husband hug me. I have tried to reach out my friends but they are always working or busy with their families, The only relatives I got here are my husband and my son, maybe that's why it's been harder. The last year I almost didn't leave home, my dogs are my constant companions. I have tried to do some meditations I found on youtube, I think it help me a little to regain some peace for some moments. I'm thinking to do some exercise. something that help me to feel better. Carrie, that day, I took off the picture of my chiquinina off my desktop because I could not bear to see her picture, I understand you, and you don't have to bring a picture of Ashely. only if you want to, I respect you desicion and you feelings. KayC thank you, yes she has beautiful eyes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted January 26, 2015 Report Share Posted January 26, 2015 Dear and sweet Littlebee, I gave some thought to my posting regarding my avoidance of looking at photos of my deceased babies nearly as soon as I hit Post. Do not follow me and my way, for as has been said, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Your way is just as right as mine, and perhaps more so, because I've begun to recognize a pattern of avoidance in me that I've come to realize as not good for me. My avoidance has suppressed and postponed grief. I believe this might be so, or perhaps I protected myself until I was able to get through the grief. I think perhaps I began to understand that I needed to stop avoiding photos when Ashely, Callie, and Beauregard were babies, for I decided at that time that when they died, I would look at their photos, and not do as I had done with Catey's photos. As a result, I think I took thousands of photos. I still tend to avoid (for I feel pain rather than comfort), but I am now determined to face the pain in order to get through it, rather than to postpone it. As I looked at Catey's photos Saturday, I felt like I did her a disservice by avoiding her photos; for now, that seems disrespectful to her. My looking could not have helped her. If there is a way to feel guilty, I seemed to find it. I'll try to do better. Because Jerry and I both tend to avoid looking at photos of those we've lost, and because neither of us want to avoid photos of the one of us who dies first, we've begun to practice looking at photos of Ashely and Catey. This applies more to me more than to him. Jerry and I looked at photos of all of our babies this weekend. This looking was bittersweet for both of us. We shared laughter and tears. You and I both are hurting, and are trying to find our way through grief and guilt (actually remorse) for things we wish we had done differently, which is common. We will hold each other, and will get through our pain together. There are others here who share our pain, know it well, and will help. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to get through grief. Try to find ways that help you most to feel better. I am in the process of reading the articles that Marty recommended for me, and am gleaning helpful ways of dealing with the pain of grief. You might want to read them also. I have my husband and daughter, and you have your husband and son. Like you, I have no one else locally. Amberly works five days a week, and every other weekend at ER at the hospital. Without Jerry, I would be isolated on this awesome, but sometimes treacherous, mountain. Without him, the quiet would deafen me. You and I both have the care and support of our online extended family. We have enough. God will give us who and what we need, but only one day at a time. That is enough, but sometimes this does not seem so. We will get through this, and will perhaps be able to help others by what we learn. If we can help others (even one other), then good will have come from bad. Hugs, Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 27, 2015 Report Share Posted January 27, 2015 I have a group of pictures of our dogs and a different one comes on my computer screen every day, randomly chosen by the computer. In it I have the past and present dogs and granddogs. It's a good way for me to honor and remember them. I miss the ones who have passed, but I have fond memories to cherish as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted January 27, 2015 Report Share Posted January 27, 2015 Dear Kay, I envy your being able to have random pictures of your precious doggies come onto your computer screen. I'm working on becoming able to do such. I'm trying hard. Thank you for the hope, for hope is essential for healing. I'll get there, for I have determined, by the grace of God, to do so. I'm just trailing a bit (more like by a great distance). I have chosen some photos of Ashely to share, but have yet to learn how to put them here (frustrating! I'm sure it will seem easy once I know how). I also have one of Catey to share. I'm emotionally ready now, thanks to you, Littlebee, and others. You are right in saying that it's a great way of honoring the ones we've lost. Now, I especially want to honor Catey (not sure more so than Ashely), because I feel like she got left out regarding her pictures. I guess I'm apologizing to her for my cowardice. She would tell me that my apology is not necessary, for she understood that my way was due to my deep love for her and to my deep grief. Then she would lick the tears from my face. Thank you, Marty, for allowing me to share these photos, and for the articles you recommended for me regarding "Grief Work." I have read half of them. I'm deliberately reading slowly enough to be able to absorb the content of each. Blessings, Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 28, 2015 Report Share Posted January 28, 2015 Carrie, I felt like I did a disservice to my Lucky girl (she was a Whippet/Dalmation, very trained and obedient) because she died just a couple days before I knew I needed to file for a divorce from my last husband. Her death was almost overshadowed by the death of my last marriage and all of the legalities that had to be dealt with. She was the sweetest dog. So I can relate when yo say you feel you didn't do the grief work you should have with your dog. This is my Lucky girl...I have since erected a memorial stone in her memory, where she is buried, with my late husband's ashes. I created the background files for my computer after my granddoggy Skye passed away, and I can tell you, many a time they made me cry, but that is all part of the grief work. I don't cry as much now (it's been almost 17 months) but I do like looking at pictures of the dogs in my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebee Posted January 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2015 ♥ sometimes is hard to write and express what I'm Feeling, but I know you undestand Thank you Carrie and KayC and thank you MartyT for the articles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted January 29, 2015 Report Share Posted January 29, 2015 Kay, Thank you for sharing the photo of your Lucky Girl. She looks sweet. It helps my feelings that you understand how I feel about Catey Elizabeth. Catey was the most obedient of any of our Doxies, but she wasn't loved more. She was especially not loved more than Ashely. Ashely was smaller, and much more sensitive than our other two. Each of the other two are precious also. It seems like we can't stand to lose Callie or Beauregard, but we will likely lose Callie within a year due to kidney disease---just the same way we lost Ashely. Callie was diagnosed just ten days after Ashely died last October 10. Callie and Beauregard belong to Amberly, but they've lived in our house since they were a few weeks old, so I've been Grandmommy to them. I never considered me to be so until you spoke of your grand doggies . I've considered myself Mama Doxie to all of them. I hate that you've cried when you've looked at your photos, but in a way, your crying when you looked lets me know that you understand my crying. I don't know that I can ever feel comfort by looking (I was beginng to feel abnormal). I am very thankful that I have so many happy memories of them though. I'll happily settle for not bursting into tears. I grew up being told that I'm too sensitive. I acknowledge that I am. Were I more sensitive, my nerves would be hanging on the outside. One of my sisters told me that it's all right that I'm sensitive, because my sensitivity makes me sensitive to the feelings of others. I hope that is so. I think my being so sensitive might have made me feel like I just couldn't have a dog after Catey died. It was not so much that I felt disloyal (some of that also) as that I never wanted to hurt that badly again. At that time, I was protecting myself, and not thinking about how I could help another one. I look at this differently now. Jerry and Amberly reacted differently. They said that having another Doxie would help them heal. That settled it. I tried to guard my heart, but that lasted until we saw the first photo online of the baby we were to become parents of. That was Callie. When I saw her sweet little face, I told Jerry, "We're pregnant!" My maternal instincts kicked in, and I loved her before I held her. So much for my never having another dog, huh? Amberly fell in love with Beauregard during our first visit to San Diego to visit Callie (He bit her in play, and she bit him back; it was love at first bite). Then she told me that Jerry really liked the little Black and Tan girl. She became our Ashely Rose, the wee girl who some would have called a runt (but not within my hearing!). Within six months after losing Catey, we had a house full of Doxies, I became incredibly busy with feedings and potty box training. Amberly asked me to keep Beauregard for three weeks. I've been keeping that little ole red hound nearly fifteen years. All three took root right here. Now we've lost one, the other two are old, and one has kidney disease. Beauregard is partially deaf and partially blind, but still loves to play. Callie's legs are so short that she's built like a little rectangle. She has no sense of balance for a lot of running and jumping; instead, she likes small, soft squeak toys with which to fill her bed. Just listen to me. I've gotten entirely wound up talking about our Doxie babies. Actually, I was just going to say Thank you, and go to sleep. I've had a bit of a fall, so I need to take my medicine and say Goodnight. Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted January 29, 2015 Report Share Posted January 29, 2015 Dear Littlebee, You write whenever you want, and only then. It's all right. We do understand, and we think of you even when you don't wrire. Of course, I'm always delighted when you are here with us. ❤️❤️ Blessings, Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 29, 2015 Report Share Posted January 29, 2015 Littlebee, Thinking of you today... Carrie, I'm sorry you fell, I hope you're soon better! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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