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Family Member And The Inheritance - What Is Going On?


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Both my parents died this year within a few months of each other. I am feeling pretty disconnected as I was the only one of my

siblings (there are 2 others) who cried during the holidays. Yes, my parents were pretty elderly (88) but it is just hard to see them go. Everyone is the family keeps a pretty tight lid on emotions; frankly that came from my parents and its not always healthy.

My middle sister all along has been the one person disputing any splitting of money. (my parents left a sizeable chunk). First it was that she wanted all kind of work done on my parent's house, with their money while her son was renting it.

Parents had moved to a senior living apartment and we knew could not return. So that was a big dispute even though the other sibling and I tried to point out they were just renting it; no home improvements projects were warranted.

Then, when the house sold she wanted her son to get a bargain. Now they both my parents are gone, she is the executor of the will. Many years ago she borrowed money from my parents, paying it back with interest and all along the plan was that she would take the debt out of her share of the estate. That was always the plan, discussed verbally but not on paper (I know, bad idea).

Let's say she borrowed $30K. Instead of paying each sibling back she now thinks she should get a third of the $30K herself since "its part of the estate". Her tax person told her this was the thing to do and she is trying to push it through. I told her I don't agree and she is accusing me of "questioning her honesty".

Frankly she is just so aggressive about the money thing that I trust her less and less. If it's for her or her kids, she is just kind of nasty and huffy about the whole thing. And not like she is in great need of money.

So is this grief disguised? Old family drama playing out? Or is this just greed pure and simple?

Thanks for the advice!

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Most people can seem at their worst when newly grieving...it's like they don't see straight and see things through a self-centered filter. This is understandable as it's our body's way of making sure we take care of our own needs when we are most down/vulnerable.

Without knowing your family personally, I can't make a determination as to if this is grief, family drama, or greed, black and white judgments are seldom helpful anyway.

Her loan should be taken off the proceeds from sale of the house to be equitable, but without signed loan agreements, it doesn't sound enforceable if she chooses not to. This is a matter for an estate lawyer, really there is no substitute for their advice as it can all get very technical/legal.

My mom recently passed away (she was 92) and she left my brother in charge...the five of us girls got absolutely nothing, not even a personal item (my dad has been gone over 33 years). Sometimes estates are not settled fairly, but it's up to us to reconcile ourselves with what is and stave off bitterness and resentment. Nothing material is as important as our relationships. If my brother is good with how everything was handled, so must we be. It's very important to me that nothing affect our relationship, and more importantly, my own integrity and who I am.

I'm sorry for the loss of your parents. It's good to focus more on who they were to you than on what was left monetarily.

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Excellent article, Marty! I like that it pointed out that along with monetary disbursement, it can stir up other feelings, like "they got theirs every time Mom & Dad bailed them out" or it might give feelings that one child is favored over another, or resentment can come in because "I was always there for them when the others couldn't be bothered". This went along with our sunday school lesson Sunday, it was a very good discussion. We felt that it's up to the person to do with theirs what they desire and not our place to resent it. Kind of hard sometimes? You betcha!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am very sorry for your loss,this February marks the death of my beloved MOM, she had a illness(for which I took care of her,dearly and all! I know what you are going through,I get no support from my family,as a matter of fact,they had her dead and buried before She passed away! Mom was a beautiful lady,kind, loving, understanding, when you had a problem she had good advice to give you! I know I am still grieving, in pain from it, I son,t even Sleep as great. Anyway I say I am deeply sorry for your loss!God bless!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have seen some pretty weird behavior when there is money involved BioLake. Emotions run high and often cause damage that is hard to repair once things settle down. Often grief is displaced by anger and that isn't the best thing obviously. But some who don't or can't show emotion, grab at whatever release they can come up with. I have been in a family who could not show emotion and in one who could. Both families got through estate settlement almost the same. Neither was without some conflict but those that showed love, had an easier time of it and most importantly, felt and endured the loss of the ones who left the money in the first place. We, and you as well, should feel better about ourselves for caring about and grieving the loss. Sadly, I no longer speak to my brother but hold my sister very dear in my heart. That kind of thing can happen.

In my case, I am the executor of my step moms estate. I took care of her for almost four years after my dad died. She had no children of her own and I was the closest relative to her. I handled her affairs and paid her bills and most of all, I made sure she was as comfortable as possible sparing no expense with her money for her own care. I read her will upon her death three weeks ago (at the wonderful age of ninety five, naming me and her beneficiaries. Only four of us because we did the most for her. She also had written in to the will which I chuckled about. It said if anyone contested this document, they would give up all rights to the trust. Smart lady! That does make my job easier. And I still have tears in my eyes thinking bout the sweet woman who was my mom for the last thirty years.

Your sister is the executor so she can and will do what is written. I provided copies of the will to each beneficiary so they know exactly what to expect. I hope you receive the same respect and when all this is over, you have what your parents wished and your family stays intact. It can and should mellow out in the months ahead. Grieve first. That's the most important thing for those who "can" feel emotion.

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