Lost My Gorgeous Neice

[BeeMay]

Hi, it's many years since I posted here, 9 in fact since i lost my mum. I've been "lucky" since then that there has only been one fairly close death. But this New Years Day, I was floored.

My gorgeous niece Jess ,my sisters daughter, one of boy girl twins, 24 years, literally passed out onto the floor and died at 1.30 new years morning. My sisters only consolation is that she was with her fiance and siblings and parents,playing cards after a great night watching fireworks, and they all got to say goodbye.autopsy showed aortic aneurysm.

My 3 children and her 5 and our other sisters eldest all grew up together, and although separated by distance as young adults kept in touch via facebook .

My middle daughter is devastated. I had to go to her and tell her in person before she saw something on facebook. It is the hardest thing I have done in many many years. I still cry at the thought of this moment, and the moment when my sister rang me and I heard her voice,that something was very very wrong. Even as she said the words it did not compute. terribly, she had to say them again

How do you go from planning a wedding to planning a funeral? It was done and it was beautiful, a sea of purple, so many people.

I have not been particularly close to my sisters, only phoning occasionally and we often didn't bother at xmas. no reason, just busy with our own stuff. It was so hard to see my sister ..so... bereft, and vague and ..bloody hell, comforting others!!! my daughter and her toddle twins travelled the 1500km to her, but with soooo many people there,other family ,we stayed with a family friend. this proved to be good for Gemma,my daughter. I feel bad i didnt stay at the wake for very long, i found the noise and the people and the laughter overwhelming. My sister said it was a lovely night full of memories and now I wish I had gone back. I also didn't veiw Jess's body at the viewing and am kicking myself for this too. At the time I preferred to remember her the last time I saw her as bridesmaid for gemmas wedding

I have rung my sister a few times since we got back, i want to support her however I can. I'm not sure what or how that is. I just let her talk mainly .we talk about jess, the other kids and the back to the grind stuff. I dont know how she does it, I feel jess's loss terribly as the 3 sisters kids all growing up ,were all "ours" not just each others. If it were one I gave birth to? I think I'd be in care.

I agree with my sister, nothing even tastes the same, we eat because we are supposed to. there is not a lot of joy in the day to day things. my joy comes from my grandchildren, but not much else,everything else is shades of grey.feel like im just going through the motions. and now I fear, i fear this hidden thing could take any of us at any time. I couldnt bear to go through this again.

[MartyT]

My dear Bee, I am so very sorry for your loss, and I can only imagine the depth of your pain. Please know that I am thinking of you and sending my heartfelt condolences to you and your family.

I'd like to share two articles with you that I hope will be helpful to you and your sister:

Mourning a Sister's Only Child: "Where Do I Fit In?"

When An Adult Child Dies: Resources for Bereaved Parents

[kayc]

I am so sorry, when a young person dies, so full of life and plans, it seems especially hard. Your sister's grief may not have fully sunk in to her yet. It's good that you are there for her, to listen, just to be there, that is what she most needs right now. When she is ready to really "talk", she will let you know, so long as you are still there for her, listening.

Your finding it hard to be around gaiety is fully understandable given she'd just died. I tend to feel that way too, but I know others are different. We all handle grief differently. My thoughts are with you.

[BeeMay]

thankyou ladies I have rung her a few times since i got back last tuesday. rang my other sister last night, she is doing the same. we havent all been "close" like we were when all our children were small. I guess Jess has brought us closer,so one good thing out of the horror i guess.

yes we all grieve differently, agree there. I also think we grieve differently for different people. with my mum I couldnt bear photos and didnt have one of her up in my house until about 8 months had passed, with Jess I find myself looking through her photos and reading our old facebook conversations etc and it hurts but is helping somehow. I'm not bursting into tears every 5 minutes, but just generally feel...flat.

my sister is at a loss as what to do on may 16 the wedding day. her husband is of the mind that we dont really need to mark the day in any way as, nothing is set in stone and they could have broken up,though that would have been unlikely as i'd never seen her so happy. I don't know, do we just grit our teeth and get through the day, or should i phone my sister that day. she initially had the thought of going out for dinner with Matt(the fiance) and his mum,but Garry is not comfortable with that I think. no idea, never even met anyone in that situation. they are also a little annoyed by Matt at the moment. He could not "handle" some things. like cancelling the lease on the place they have and dealing with the real estate, and packing up their things, he has left it to Del and Garry....like they can handle it,jees. He couldnt even go and pack his own things . He needs someone with him 20 hrs a day, and its jess's siblings or mum and dad. Del was on the verge of saying...wait, you've known her for 3 years and i gave birth to her,how do you think we cope? but its hurtful so she didn't.

They paid for the funeral and expected the death benefit from jess's super to help cover it. Matt had got her to cancel that part to save money, so there's only 8k.funeral and costs have come to about 15k,even with my dad donating his plot next to mum for her. (they had family land at their home and stay 2 weeks without putting in much grrr) she had recently started another job, and a different superannuation, so my fingers are crossed there is a death benifit attatched to that.

so for 18 days they were supporting and helping everyone else until they went home. funny I never really gave my sister much credit,silly little issues over the years,(which we laughted about as sisters while together after funeral)but i have nothing but admiration for her.any and all issues have just flitted away,nothing is that important in the end. her kids are a testament to her parenting,her home is like a magnet to them and they are there for one another ,it's heartwarming.

well,i've blathered on enough lol i mainly popped in to say thankyou xo

[kayc]

I would caution to try not to judge Matt too harshly, this was the person he was going to spend the rest of his life with, besides, your niece would want everyone supportive not judging or resenting...remembering everyone responds differently to grief and some people really are not good copers. Yes, no one asks us if we want to or can cope, we just have to do it anyway...but we do it because we ARE copers, it's those who aren't that don't. I'm sorry they're getting hit financially with the burial too, that's hard. I'm glad your sister has you to turn to and you're able to be there for her. Is there someplace your daughter liked to go? Maybe that would be a way to spend the day of her wedding. I can't imagine having my fiance killed and having to face our wedding day without him...and to be a mother going through this, I can't imagine how hard that must be also.