Fiancee Ended Relationship After 4 Years Because Hadn't Dealt With

[Lola]

4 days ago my fiancee (let's call him J) of 4 years ended our relationship (he's 25 I'm 28). I guess should fill you in on the situation surrounding the event.

J's father suffered terribly with bipolar disorder and committed suicide about 6 or 7 years ago, J hadn't ever taken the time to grieve, instead choosing to bury himself in his work. He also hadn't had the best upbringing and although it's clear his mother loves him she's made a lot of bad life choices whilst he was growing up (different unsuitable partners, poverty etc), as a result all his siblings are very messed up and he at the tender age of 12 had been pretty much bringing up his siblings whilst his mother was suffering from depression and various other health issues, his older sister is particularly messed up and is heavily addicted to all sorts of class A drugs, so of course the minute there is any family problems with his siblings or his mother goes through yet another break up with her current partner it's J who has to take on all their problems and try to solve them and comfort them.

Then of course there's my own depression that's been a very present shadow hanging over our relationship from the beginning due (in part) to a previous mentally and emotionally abusive relationship I was in, I should've seeked help for it but initally we couldn't afford to pay for the medication I needed, so I just struggled on without it instead choosing to bury myself on the internet where I felt like I could escape all the problems on there. For the first 2 and a half years of the relationship I barely left the house, I'd been so brainwashed by my previous abusive ex that I was scared he was going to cause trouble for us, not to mention he'd completely killed what little self confidence I'd had... as a result my fiancee was the only one working so he was having to support both of us, this caused a lot of stress and (seemingly) resentment towards me, since he'd often bring it up in arguments despite claiming that he understood how dark things were for me back then.

For a few months last year we had to move out of the apartment we were renting because we couldn't afford to continue living there, I had actually thought that he was going to dump me then because all the stress he was under made him act coldly towards me, and when I tried to air my concerns he told me to keep it to myself because he couldn't deal with any additional problems or my depression and said he felt like he was close to having a mental breakdown. So we both lived separately for a short while (purely because he had to stay with friends in a tiny house so there wasn't really any room for me to live there too), it was then that I realised just how much stress he was under and how I hadn't been helping things so I started making an effort to try and take as much stress off of him as possible, by this time I had found work again and my depression had improved somewhat so I didn't bother going to the doctors to be put on antidepressants because I stupidly thought I was getting better. Once we were in a better financial situation we moved in with each other again and rented a much cheaper apartment closer to his work, I was able to pay my half of the bills and for a couple of months the relationship and his mood had gotten a lot better, he was doing so well with his work that was offered a job elsewhere with better pay and prospects miles away, we planned to move there in July, I'd have to stay put for a while until I found a job up there so it would've been long distance (this worried me as I wasn't sure the relationship would be strong enough to last, but I put the worries to the back of my head). Anyway, Christmas was fast approaching and yet again his mother calls him up in a panic, his idiot brother had been getting into drugs and had gotten into trouble with some local drug dealers who were threatening to bash their door down if they didn't pay up. We rushed up there to sort it out and J told me to head back home in case it was dangerous, hours later he returns home in a bad state, the situation had been solved but it was the straw that broke the camel's back, he broke down in tears telling me that he couldn't handle everyone elses problems and that his mother always expects him to go running to help her but not once had she ever tried to help him etc, he said he'd finally realised that he really need to deal with his father's death and that if he didn't he was scared of doing something stupid, he was worried that he was going the same way as his father. After that he promised he'd start looking into getting help after Christmas and told me that things will be difficult for a long time but to bear with him. His mood never really lifted much from then on, at times he'd be alright but would quickly sink back down into depression, around the same time my depression had started coming back too, my sleeping pattern became messed up again and I too began to struggle to stay strong for the both of us. January came and he gets another phone call his grandmother's husband had passed away suddenly, J wasn't close to him but he was around long enough for him to be considered family, then shortly after that his bestfriend's girlfriend broke up him and rather than deal with his own problems J started trying to help them instead.

Fast forward 3 weeks and J was still struggling with his depression, he'd come home from his friends and we decided to pop to the shops late at night because he fancied donuts, I wanted to cheer him up so I drove him there, during which I decided to bring up the subject of us moving away for his job and that I was worried that it would kill the relationship because it would be difficult for me to find work up there immediately, he told me that it would work and we'd have to just make an effort to make sure that it does, then somehow it turned into an argument, I'm not entirely sure how... everything had started to turn into a stupid argument recently, his moods and depression made him less tolerant I guess. Eventually he laid into me about how I'd never bothered to hang out with or make an effort with his friends (as I said earlier I hadn't left the house for years, I suffer terrible social anxiety and I kinda felt like I'd left it too late to integrate myself into his friendship group), he went on to tell me that I didn't like his music tastes (not true, it just never really came up in convo) and that I had no interest in his career etc, things went on like this and got onto the subject of our depression etc, he said I didn't understand what he was going through etc and eventually I lost my temper and stupidly told him that he clearly didn't want my help, I didn't know what else to do to help him, he clearly didn't want to help himself and that I couldn't do this anymore... he asked what I wanted and I said I didn't know, then took it back immediately and tried to apologise but it was too late. He decided to end the relationship, he said he'd been thinking about it for a few weeks on and off because he wasn't coping with all the head mess he had over his dad's suicide, he said that we were unhealthy for each other and that it's become clear that neither of us will take the steps to get the help we need all the time that we're together.

I set about moving out the following day, he helped me pack. It was amicable and logically I know he's right we aren't healthy for each other. He said that he loves me and that this is the hardest thing he's ever had to do, he said he didn't want it to end but that if he didn't do this and use it as a kick up the arse to get help then he'd only get worse and we'd end up hating each other. He said he wanted to be friends but I said that it was a bad idea and that we should stay away from each other until we're over this, although he's moving in July anyway so it's not like he's staying local anyway. Plus, for previous experience (I've had 4 long term relationships in the past, and a couple of mini relationships) I know all too well that it's better to make a clean break, although I will have to contact J and visa versa at some point to get my name taken off the bills. What adds to the heartbreak is that I had to leave our two cats with him because I couldn't have them at my parents house where I've moved back too, plus I could never bring myself to take them away from him, they're all he's got for comfort.

So, that's the story. In truth, I always knew this would happen... I knew that at some point down the line if he didn't dump me due to my depression then he'd either end up with bipolar like his father (who started suffering with it at the age of 23), OR that his dad's suicide would eventually catch up with him. Maybe it's a self fulfilling prophecy on my part? Or maybe it was always obvious? What I do know is that I haven't ever really fully admitted to myself how bad my depression is until now and as such I've spent years neglecting him (though he says I didn't), we never went out together much, I never made an effort with his friends until it was too late, we never even had a picture taken together. I didn't do enough to support him. I stupidly thought that things would improve once we moved out of the area for a fresh start (that had always been the goal), I thought that so long as we loved each other we could work through our problems together, but I guess that old French saying is true: "You can't live on love and water alone".

... I'm not really expecting a response to this post or anything, I just really needed to get it down "on paper". Discovering via this forum that this is quite a common thing with people who are dealing with the loss of a parent/sibling/loved one/etc brings some comfort that I'm not going through this alone, at least.

Thank you for taking the time to listen.

*Edit* Just noticed all the terrible grammar and spelling mistakes, I was typing without really thinking about how it read, LOL!

[enna]

My dear Lola,

We do not look at grammar or spelling mistakes. All of us have made those same mistakes simply because our minds are in a fog and grammar is the last thing we are thinking about. I am so sorry that you are going through this very difficult time in your life.

Those here on this forum have learned to listen with an open heart. Talking does heal. Our situations differ but to have anyone validate our writing is so important in our healing.

I am hoping that you look for help with your depression ~ if it is indeed depression. I'm also sorry that you are now without your cats.

Come hear and write your feeling for there will always be others who are listening.

Anne

[kayc]

It'd be good for you both to get counseling. There are many counselors whose services are on a sliding scale. Sometimes our mental health is crying for us to take care of it and we put it on back burner while we try to meet our physical needs, but it reaches a point where it cannot be ignored any more. Just because his dad was bipolar doesn't mean he will be, it would take trained personnel to assess him to see if that's a possibility. It does sound like you are both codependent and need help in breaking out of that mode. While your relationship may be operating unhealthily, that doesn't necessarily mean you couldn't have made it with some professional help, but it would really requiring both of you to learn new ways of communicating and dealing with each other and with others. You'd both been in a unhealthy rut for so long, I imagine it would be difficult to break out of without professional help. The danger is that you and he find other unhealthy partners and continue the same rut and not learn/grow in a way that can better yourselves and your lives. You'd also benefit from treatment so you can begin to emerge out of your home without anxiety.

I am very sorry for your pain...and his. Don't worry about spelling/grammar mistakes, you've conveyed yourself very well and that's the main thing. This is going to be a hard time for you, and I hope you'll continue to come here and post as things transpire, or even just to voice yourself. As Anne said, it's very important to know you are heard and understood, and this is a safe place to come to for that. You're going to have a lot of adjustments being with your parents again, losing your cats, and getting used to being single again, all of which can seem overwhelming in and of themselves. Having been through several major relationships already, I imagine you know already what you'll be going through, so you can begin to prepare yourself. I hope you have a friend or two to turn to and spend some time with in the coming days. Is there anything you like to do (hobby?) to spend your time on that makes you feel better? If not, it might be a good time to explore finding one. As you've mentioned already, spending too much time on the computer might not be the best route as it can lead to avoidance of real life and seem a substitute for dealing with issues.

You're in my thoughts, and I hope you feel comfortable coming back here. I know it all hurts right now, try to hang in there.

[Lola]

Thank you for the replies and kind words.

This is the 5th day, I'm doing alright, still tearful but that's to be expected... surprisingly I seem to be handling things better than I have when past relationships have ended but I think that's because I know what my "breakup patterns" are like so I'm trying to avoid them. Plus, this is the first time I've experienced an amicable split, let alone the end of something caused by external factors and not anyone's behaviour. I've been making sure that I eat at least something so that I don't get ill, and rather than not leaving the bed for 2 weeks and avoiding everyone I've made an effort to talk to people, and visit close family friends. In the past with breakups I've had a habit of going off the rails, ignoring things by partying, drinking and actively looking for another partner etc, which I suspect is what caused me to end up in bad relationships (this latest one not included), clearly my poor lifestyle choices in the past have left me in the state I've been in for the past 4 years which obviously put more strain on the relationship with J. The way I see it now, I'm going to be 30 next year and I'm too old for silly dramatic behaviour like that, so I'm trying to be around positive calming influences.

He claims that he's not going to be getting into another relationship for a long time, but whether that's true or not remains to be seen... Lord knows I've certainly bounced from one relationship to another in the past because my head was a mess. If he does then I'll just have to remember that it's not personal and it's just him being destructive or trying to deal with things, though I'd like to think that he's sensible enough not to do something like that. He promised he'd get help, and he ended the relationship because he said he need to seek out help because it was clear that neither of us would get better whilst we were together, so I guess all I can do is trust that he'll do the right thing. As for me? I don't think it's wise that I even entertain the idea of striking up a brand new relationship until I'm better, otherwise it'll just be a never ending cycle.

I have a few hobbies, none of which I really feel like doing right now but on Friday I'm going to London for an event I volunteered to do prior to the breakup (J had encouraged me to do it when I'd got scared of going due to my social anxiety), in truth I'd cancel but I've already sunk too much money into getting to the event and staying overnight, and I can't let them down. I know it'll be good for me, I just hope I can keep it together and not break down in tears mid-performance.

Admittedly I do feel angry every now and again, it comes in waves, It's just hard to fully comprehend and process everything that's happened, particularly when he'd always regularly say things like "you and the cats are my family" and when I'd mention about being worried that we'd break up, or when we were being affection etc he'd always say that this relationship was for life and that we weren't going to breakup etc... and then he ends it. Logically I know that bereavement stops you thinking straight and can ruin even the most strongest relationships, the posts in this forum are certainly testament to that, but it's just so surreal to see and experience how it can all change in a split second, particularly because his father died long before I'd even met J, so his breakdown has been 6 or 7 years in the making.

[kayc]

Part of the loss of relationship is grieving the "forever" you'd been promised. It is an end not only to the relationship, but all of the hopes and dreams you had wrapped up in it.

You mentioned "performance"...are you going to do something musical or something?

[Lola]

Yeah, I guess I'm not just grieving losing him but also the plans and goals we'd made. I've been looking to move away from the crappy little town I've grown up in for as long as I can remember, it's a small place where everyone knows your business, no one lets you forget your past and there's absolutely nothing to do... many people describe it as "the place dreams come to die", it's an accurate description. Now I feel like I'm stuck here, the job front is pretty dire in England so getting out under my own steam seems to be becoming an ever increasing impossibility, J's career was doing great he wanted to, and was going to, get us both out of this town so we could both start a new life together away from the toxic environment of the locals in this town... but now I'm stuck here for the foreseeable future. It's depressing.

The performance is... well, I'm not entirely sure, lol. The event planners seem to want to keep things hush-hush. I know it involves zombies and running around a museum. It sounds stupid, but one of the hobbies I picked up over the past 2 years was to start a YouTube channel, I thought maybe it would give me something to focus on since I was on the internet all the time anyway, particularly while I wasn't working and would maybe help my self confidence. I guess it has helped to an extent, I think I would've been in a much darker place if I hadn't created it. Anyway, the channel has done better than I had anticipated and I started thinking (perhaps foolishly) that maybe I could make a career out of it, or use it as a stepping stone to lead to a job in the industry that I'd like to get into, this event is being held by the developers of a running app I'd been using (another thing I'd started to get into over the past year to help combat my depression) so I figured why not kill two birds with one stone, volunteer for the event, do some running and network with the developers to benefit my YouTube channel whilst I was at it. That's the idea anyway, though I'm not sure how my social anxiety is going to hold up... normally I'd have a few drinks before big social events where I don't know anybody, but that's not very professional and it's probably a very bad idea for me to get drunk at the moment!

[kayc]

It sounds like fun! I hope you enjoy yourself and it's just the ticket for what you need right now.

You're right, drinking makes things worse as it's a depressant and it doesn't deal with reality, but I understand wanting one to relax and loosen up a bit.

[Lola]

It sounds like fun! I hope you enjoy yourself and it's just the ticket for what you need right now.

You're right, drinking makes things worse as it's a depressant and it doesn't deal with reality, but I understand wanting one to relax and loosen up a bit.

I know everyone is supposed to be going for drinks after, I'll just need to make sure I only have one or two... I don't think I'd end up doing anything stupid, but I don't want to be crying into my beer either.

Right now I'm feeling kinda angry, I've only been single 5 days and there are already one or two people sniffing around me like I'm fresh meat. The mind boggles that there are people out there who would happily try to seduce someone who's clearly in no fit state to be chased. The world is full of sharks, that scares me... even the thought of one day having to navigate through all that again and potentially end up with yet another bad fish is terrifying.

[Lola]

So today I learned that J deleted my sister from Facebook. Granted, they never really got on but I find that kinda offensive and a bit pathetic really. I guess that also means he's definitely sure in his head that the break up is finale... I mean, I knew it was but some small part of me wondered if maybe he'd change his mind and contact me a week or month down the line telling me he'd made a mistake.

Today I also feel really angry about the breakup in general, even though I know I shouldn't. I'm angry that he never sought out help years ago, I'm angry because I don't understand why he doesn't seem to be able to do so whilst still with me, I'm angry because I feel like he's just gonna go ahead and find someone else because he certainly seems to be doing fine without me! I'm angry because when it comes to our relationship ending (all other issues aside) all he lost was me, which doesn't seem to have affected him all that much now I'm gone, whereas I lost not only him but the cats, our plans for the future and my chance to get out of this ratty old town. Here I am a complete bloody mess trying to get over him and he's off out with his mates acting like I never even existed. How could he have claimed to love me and that ending the relationship was hard and that he didn't want to, only to be off out lording it up like I never mattered at all? Perhaps it was just lip service after all? Maybe he just told me what he thought I'd want to hear?

And why the hell is he out there having fun if he's supposedly grieving? I just don't get it. I know I shouldn't be angry, but I can't help it.

[kayc]

When we have a long term serious relationship and it breaks up, it is a process for it to fully sink in and for us to "get it"...part of that means we wonder if if could work out on down the road...it does take a while for it to sink in that it's done. His cutting your sister off on FB was part of that.

Some of the people nosing around may have watched from the sidelines for a while and were just biding their time waiting...

[Lola]

Thought I'd check back in.

Today I got put on antidepressants, I also got in touch with the housing agency that deals with our tenancy on the flat and asked if I could be removed from the tenancy agreement, they're gonna check with the Landlord... he can only say yes or no, but I'm hoping he'll let me be removed from it so that I don't have to worry about the possibility of being stung with a bill if for some reason he misses paying the rent or leaves the place in a state or whatever. Once I've get confirmation of that I'll find out how to take myself off the council tax bill... I suppose this is a learning experience if nothing else. I spent the weekend doing that London event which was alright and spent what was left of the weekend hanging around with friends explaining why the relationship split up, getting their advice and opinions on things and generally trying to work through my demons. Feels weird seeing people again, I'm forcing myself to try and be social.

Yesterday I was looking at his instagram (I know I shouldn't) and I saw a girl who used to fancy him before he and I got together sniffing around, I seemingly jumped to the wrong conclusion and freaked out thinking that he was seeing her, or had been having an affair with her whilst he was with me or something, my mind went wild just because she commented on one of his photos and left a little kiss (despite only referring to him as "dude") and when I visited her instagram account I saw that back in November she'd posted up a really old picture of them and another friend hanging out from years ago... I didn't contact him or anything, but it really hurt just thinking about the prospect of him being with anyone else (which he eventually will do). I automatically assumed that she was the reason for him dumping me, rather than all the issues previously stated. I just want to be over it already. Fortunately my friend was there to talk me down and tell me I was being ridiculous... not that it stopped me from going ahead and flirting with this guy that has been sniffing around me, I know the guys intention is purely to try and get in my pants but I kinda felt that if J really does/is seeing someone else then I'm not just sitting here being lonely, I suppose it's me trying to get silent preempted revenge just in case? I dunno, it's destructive I know that much, maybe the antidepressants will help me stop that?

Today I had to go back to work, it feels weird living back at home with my parents again and going to and from work knowing that I'm not coming home to him and the cats. I feel really miserable.

[kayc]

I don't think the antidepressants will make you make right choices, that's just something you have to consciously do. Since you already know that flirting with that guy isn't a positive action for you, why not just forego it? You don't need a guy's validation to know you're alright. You only need your own validation and that comes more from right actions than anything. The more right actions we do, the better we feel about ourselves and the less we need to rely on outward opinion from others.

I'm glad the event went well...I hope it goes well for you at work today. Your friend was right to talk you down from your reaction...it doesn't help to jump to conclusions that may be wrong...and all the more so when it is no longer pertinent to you. He isn't your concern now, YOU are! Sometimes that can seem a relief, even if a double edged sword. I know you miss him, and it's bound to hurt for a while, but you'll see it through and you'll be okay. That's one good thing about experience, having been there before, you know you'll make it through this. That always helped me!

[Lola]

I don't think the antidepressants will make you make right choices, that's just something you have to consciously do. Since you already know that flirting with that guy isn't a positive action for you, why not just forego it? You don't need a guy's validation to know you're alright. You only need your own validation and that comes more from right actions than anything. The more right actions we do, the better we feel about ourselves and the less we need to rely on outward opinion from others.

I'm glad the event went well...I hope it goes well for you at work today. Your friend was right to talk you down from your reaction...it doesn't help to jump to conclusions that may be wrong...and all the more so when it is no longer pertinent to you. He isn't your concern now, YOU are! Sometimes that can seem a relief, even if a double edged sword. I know you miss him, and it's bound to hurt for a while, but you'll see it through and you'll be okay. That's one good thing about experience, having been there before, you know you'll make it through this. That always helped me!

It's just a really bad habit I've gotten into, the doctors want me to have counselling and CBT so perhaps that'll help me get out of these destructive reactions. I don't think it helps that certain times of the month my depression gets worse (for obvious reasons) and it's currently that time, so the depression, anger and hurt is magnified x10 for a week.

Work was alright, I didn't break down or anything so that was good but the antidepressants have already started making me feel dizzy and tired so it was a bit of a slog to get through the shift. I know it's none of my business but you said elsewhere in the forum that you had a partner that ended the relationship when he lost a family member... how long did it take you to understand why he ended it and move on from him?

[kayc]

We were engaged for a year and the break up was sudden and not done in person, so I was at a loss as to what to think. He was her caretaker and sleep deprived at the time...I didn't know if he'd feel differently after she died and some time passed, but I gave it a while and he never did want to get back together. It was a few months before I closed my heart and stopped hoping...it wasn't healthy for me to stay in the emotional turmoil and he was yanking me around emotionally (not on purpose, but he was a mess when he was going through this). After I accepted it and stopped hoping, it freed us to be friends, but not until then.