My Journey Continues

[mfh]

Dear Members,

For those who are fairly new here, I am one of the two site's moderators (working with Marty as a moderator since October 2013) one who has been invisible since Nov. 1, 2014. I joined the forums as a member in December 2010, a few months after my beloved husband Bill died. In addition, I am and have been a psychotherapist for close to 40 years. Bill was a clinical psychologist so I lost my best friend, my beloved soulmate and my colleague. I have been serving as a moderator at Marty's request since October, 2013.

In November of 2014 (three months ago) I stepped back from my role here as moderator so I could re-focus my energies on my own loss for a while. I did that for my own sake, for the well-being of those I see in my clinical practice and for those I help here.

After Bill died I did many months of grief work and still do. That included participation in a local Hospice Spousal Loss group; working with a bereavement counselor; and participating here where I was comforted and supported by Marty and the members. We therapists are not exempt from feeling pain deeply and needing as much support as the next person. I also read dozens of books and articles (maybe hundreds of articles); journaled most days; wrote poetry; painted my pain with watercolors; returned to my meditation lost in the caregiving days as Bill and I struggled with his Alzheimer's for 5 years; and started doing my yoga again. None of this was easy and my patience wore thin often.

But this past November I came to know that I needed some time away from the helping role and other people's grief as some new feelings were rearing their heads demanding my full attention for a while. Grief is mine forever and as I learn how to hold it and live with it I also know I need to look inward often and pull back into a cocoon of sorts now and then. That has been a lifetime practice. In these last three months I have come to know deeply that I need to step not just back from the role of moderator but out of the role completely here on the forums. As much as I have deeply appreciated being here and assisting, I got back in touch with the fact that I feel best and work best when I focus on a small number of people in my own clinical practice be it in my home office or perhaps via Skype or even telephone once that client and I have established a working relationship. It is what I have done since forever and how I, personally, work best....that in spite of knowing I have helped many of you here on the site and many have helped me.

So I am saying good-bye to my role here as a moderator, grateful to Marty and to all of you for the opportunity it has provided to me to help others. I will, from time to time drop in. I am still and will remain a member. I know folks here are interested in how Bentley, my Golden Retriever (certified therapy dog) is doing. He was diagnosed with a slow growing cancer (a rare form of lymphoma) last May and is doing well as we enter the 10th month since his Dx. Occasional hot spots, enlarged lymph nodes, and currently ear infections (again) rear up but his appetite is outstanding; diarrhea dealt with for many months is gone (knock on wood); he is playful and interactive and enjoys his walks and long naps. He is starting to have trouble jumping onto the bed and into the car so it is time for a ramp/steps. He is due for a blood test once the ears are healed so I can get an idea of the progression of his lymphoma measured only by lymphocytes. I have chosen not to subject him to chemo or radiation or further testing. He is now 11 years and 3 months so I pray he has another year or even two with the help of a miracle. Needless to say he is my living link to Bill and my constant companion/family. Losing him will be very difficult, to put it mildly.

I am not going anywhere...I have a website and am on Facebook, LinkedIn and other social media and will continue working with the bereaved. I am returning to my art and to my very small clinical practice and caring for Bentley. I spend a bit of time each day purging our home of what is not needed or cherished, i.e. clearing my "nest" around me so I can better focus on my inward journey. A few items of Bill's clothing and many of his personal treasures will stay right where they are but over the past almost 5 years I have donated most of his clothing bit by bit as pain and comfort allowed. I did not touch those things for at least two years, by the way. We each do what works for us. His extensive woodworking shop sits waiting for my attention along with a lot of boxes that have not been opened since Bill and I packed them in 2000 previous to our two year motor home adventure on the back roads of North America and then a move to this house. Like you, all of those clothing items, treasures and more have to be dealt with but with absolutely NO pressure or "shoulds"....just dealt with when each of us is ready.

To those new to your grief journey, I urge you, as others here will also, to walk into your pain; feel it; and learn slowly (with great patience-my biggest lesson) how to hold, integrate and live with your grief. How to live with gratitude and grief at the same time. How to find some joy each day eventually, perhaps a tiny one hidden in a memory. Be present to the now. Come here for support and seek out other support with professionals or friends/family as needed. The journey is lonely enough without making it lonelier....learn how to reach out and ask for what you need...a challenge for most.

It has been an honor to be here with and for you as a moderator. And I thank you all for the support you have given to me as I walked the walk along side of you. You have found an incredible gift here in Marty (skilled, experienced, compassionate, dedicated and empathic) and in each other (all wounded healers). Take full advantage of these gifts and for those of you who are in the early raw gut-wrenching days/months of grief, it does get better. No one could have convinced me of that after Bill died but anyone here who has been on this labyrinth of grief for a while will affirm that we learn how to hold our grief as we, with great patience, and over time come to define and live our new normal. I have days where the waves of grief or the grief triggers are frequent and painful but most days the sadness lives more quietly deep in my heart. I expect nothing less. Bill was a part of who I am. We were like two plants growing side by side and our root systems and tendrils of growth not only intertwined but grew into each other becoming a very part of the other plant...like the tendrils of my clematis vine which cannot be separated short of cutting them apart with a blade. They are one as Bill and I have been and always will be.

Bill and Bentley:

Peace to your hearts, Mary

[Tspouse]

Bless you........it makes things easier to cope knowing others feel the same emotions and loss.

[MartyT]

My dear Mary, hard as it is for me to let you go in your role as moderator here, I take great comfort in knowing that you choose to remain as one of our most treasured members. As you already know, I have the deepest respect for the courage, the insight and the will it takes for you to put your own needs first, and you have my complete support for the decision you have made.

Thank you for explaining so eloquently to our members the reasons for your decision, and know that we all wish you Godspeed in your journey ♥

[mfh]

Thank you, Tspouse.

Thank you, Marty. As you know it was a tough decision but the right one for me.

With love and gratitude to you,

Mary

[enna]

My dear Mary,

The first thing I’m thinking of is to utter the words Thank You.

Thank you for being a good listener and sharer of your own grief journey.

Thank you for stepping into the role of moderator as I know Marty was so appreciative of your generous support both to her and to those of us on the forum.

Thank you for not trying to “fix” my pain but rather allowing me to be where I am.

Thank you for “waiting” and not hurrying me along when the knot in my throat wouldn’t allow me to talk.

Thank you for the way you always connected with me as a person and never spoke in generalities but directly to me.

Thank you for your openness in sharing your grief journey and for introducing your beloved Bill and Bentley to me.

Thank you for encouraging me to continue my meditation practice that I really still fumble with given my “monkey mind.”

Thank you for the thousands of hours you spent helping others as you moved forward yourself on this most difficult journey of losing a beloved spouse.

Thank you for opening my eyes to the beautiful places you and Bill visited as you traveled to some wonderful places. Riding motorcycles, traveling in your RV, road trips to the Tetons, the Dells, the fun you had living in Colorado, and many other places too numerous to list.

Thank you for sharing your spirituality with me ~ showing me that I can be better than I’ve been and that it’s never too late to be a caring human being.

Thank you for reminding me to add a touch of joy to my life as I learn to live my life as it is now.

Thank you for showing compassion and empathizing with me as I faced health issues.

Am I sad that you are stepping back ~ yes ~ but that is a sadness that is also filled with hope for myself because I have been honored to know you?

I wish only the best for you as you continue your inward journey.

We indeed do have a sacred place here around our fire. I want you to know that I will always be here for you as you have been for me.

Keeping you to your promise to drop in at times and keep us posted on how you are doing and how our Bentley is doing.

Holding you close,

Anne

[kayc]

I take comfort in knowing that you will pop in now and then. We have been missing you, but like children who have been taught well, we try to step up to the plate as best as we can...and continue to learn. We are so grateful for the time we had you here but understand you need to be where you feel in your heart you are called.

My first year of retirement was an adjustment, and I feel I'm learning to do my second year better...focusing on self care and my health, getting out more and striking a balance. It feels better. All of this is a learning process...loss, grief, adjustments, growth.

I'm glad Bentley is doing well. Let me know what seems to work for getting him in/out of vehicles...I may have that problem with Arlie in a short few years. He turns seven next month...tomorrow we celebrate six years since I adopted him.

Peace to you,

Kay

[mfh]

Dear Anne, Your post left me absolutely speechless....utterly speechless. I thank you for your kind words and for all the wonderful posts, support, and more you have also shared with me and with everyone here. We only see in the other what is in ourselves so I can pass your own words right back to you because you are, indeed all of that also. I will keep my promise and pop in now and then...this place is a part of my life and journey through grief.

Dear Kay, Thank you for your kind words of support in my decision. Yes, it is a learning process. Those of us here who have lost loved ones....all of us...have never lost that loved one before and so we come to our losss lacking a clear understanding of how to deal with the pain and emptiness. We bring our life skills and experiences but have to now apply them in a new and painful situation. Once I figure out a ramp, I will let you know. I have studied most of those available but none fit into my particular situation. Bill built one for our last Golden but we failed to keep it when we moved....I do have a friend who will build one for me if I can figure out what Bentley will use. He is not into new things much. Yes, Arlie, will be needing one but hopefully not for a long time yet.

Peace to both of you,

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Mary, My longer post either was eaten by the poltergeists or is lost in cyberspace.

Anyway, the only significant words were these:

I am honored to be one of the witnesses/observers/students of your courage and integrity to honor the leadings of your spirit and to go where you are being led.

I hope I may always call you friend, and I wish you all good things each day. It is a comforting to know you will pop in here occasionally, and inspirational to know that we may each come to the point in our grief journey when we are ready to step out, sort out who we are now, and find new ways to live and share our lives and talents.

Thank you for your wisdom and caring. You have been a light and a guide through many twists and turns on this path. I appreciate that I was here on this forum at the same time as you were here, because your presence deeply enriched my learning and my grief journey. Thank you for your beautiful heart and spirit.

Grace on your journey, and I hope you have entirely too much fun. I will be watching for your occasional posts.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Dear fae,

As I wakened to 17 below zero temps outside this morning, your message warmed my heart. I have been honored to be a moderator here and bringing that role to an end was a very difficult decision to make, more difficult than I thought it would be. But I know it was/is the right one for me. I so very much appreciate you and all you have gone through and the spirit with which you walk your walk. And yes, we can call each other friends.

I am very clear that I have gained more than I have given here. And yes, I am glad to have been here at the same time as you. It will be five years on March 27 since Bill died and a week later I become a 75 year old crone...both numbers, though irrelevant in most ways, seem significant in ways unknown. Though my path ahead is still very unclear I have lived long enough to know that life is a series of "nows" and so like every one we trek on.

I know you will take care of your own health and soul as I have watched you do that for many months. Peace to your heart, Mary

[R.Everit55]

Dear Mary,

I did not get a big chance to get to know you. However, I do know that you were there for my Mary when we lost her brother and our SIL. Shannon and my Mary spoke highly of you. So I thank you on their behalf for being a kind soul to them who are now in Heaven. My Mary one month ago later today.

I wish you peace on your continued journey. I pray for your very special companion, Bentley. That he remains by your side as long as possible.

God bless.

Butch

[mfh]

My dear Butch, Thank you so much for your kind words. How I admire you and the manner in which you have dealt with all the sickness and loss you and your family have experienced. You were there for everyone and walked gently and lovingly with Mary all these many months. I do know deeply the gut wrenching pain of losing our spouses and I hold you in my heart as you grieve this huge loss. I will return later to read your post about Mary.
Peace
Mary

[KATPILOT]

Mary my best thoughts go with you. I thank you for the help you have given me over the last few years. You have touched us all.

Here's to three wonderfull reasons the world is a better place...Bill, Bentley, and You.

Stephen

[Wifflesnook]

How did I miss this farewell from my beloved mentor Mary? If it isn't too late I want to say that your wise words almost saved my life when I found this forum soon after my Pete died almost three years ago. It was your acknowledgement that pious words wouldn't help me. That saying that the pain was as bad as pain could get. That even after years it still remained. This is what helped me and lots of wisdom some of which I copied to keep and still have safe. I hope you read this, Mary. Thanks you. Anne said what I wanted to say so much better. Jan

[mfh]

Dear Stephen, I just saw your post this morning and apologize for not responding sooner. Thank you for your kind words. This journey of loss we all walk is made easier when we support each other in ways others who have not walked this path can do. Thank you. I will expand a bit below. Peace, Mary

Dear Jan, you are quite welcome! I am honored that my thoughts, caring and words helped you. I have been clear for years that my purpose here is to help ease the pain of others. Knowing I do that, makes life worth living. I see you on Facebook often and know as you miss Pete, you are also involved in life in many ways. I celebrate your strength and honor your willingness to embrace your grief. Peace, Mary

I will take this opportunity to update you all a bit. I am in the midst of anticipating the 5th anniversary of Bill's death on March 27 followed by my 75th birthday a week later. Those days will forever be linked and it seems every five years tied into our very special Holy Week and Easter. So this anniversary seems special. I guess we tend to set aside in some way, as a culture, the 5th, 10th, 25th etc of events.

I find myself taking a great deal of solitude these days and being very present when I make choices socially. I am slowly returning to my watercolor and in my mind am planning a small sculpture...the latter I have not done in many years. I find myself not quite ready to commit to much more as I practice living in the now and reading, meditating, walking. My diet is the best it has been since Bill was so sick and I have shed 15 pounds of insulation...more to go but on a plateau. One of my goals is to identify a niche for myself professionally in the world of grief...possibly a small practice via Skype along with a very few clients here in my home office. Not ready yet for more than that. The past week or so I have prepared and designed the invitations to the 50th anniversary of my brother's ordination...300 of them. I am in charge of this party and it will involve many relatives and old friends...those who remain here...and many people I do not know, friends of my brother. I told my closest "girlfriend" (we go back 42 years and have walked through spousal losses together) that I need her to be there for me and she will be. She knows all these folks and I will have some one to talk to and get support from.

Bentley is holding his own after ten months since Dx. His lymphoma seems to be true to what I was told, ie slow growing. We deal with hot spots and ear infections but at 11.5 years he has energy, is playful and now that we are seeing good weather...walks each day. 69 today....20 below zero last Friday. Go figure. The winter flew by for me, as have these five years. I am focused quite heavily on my own journey -understanding better the pieces of it and how ithe trauma of watching Bill die slowly awakened earlier childhood trauma. So I am working on that at many levels..including some bodywork with a Rolfer. I am a seeker, always have been and seeing pieces fit together is very healing for me. It is also very painful.

As we walk this path we are called to do the grief work needed as well as live a life new to us and one we did not seek. It is sort of like living as a juggler...trying to keep our focus on all the "balls" at the same time so we do not drop the important ones and so we do not try to juggle too many. I walk with you.

I wish you peace in your loss and grief.

Mary

[kayc]

Mary,

It's good to hear from you and get an update on you and Bentley. My Arlie is showing signs of age, seems to be getting arthritic, and has to rest on our walks home so as not to overdo it. Still trying to get him to lose weight, he's eating less, no table food, but still not dropping pounds. It's challenging as he's seeming to slow down about the same time. I have also plateaued but will continue the way I'm eating whether I continue losing weight or not. I've never eaten so healthy in my life! It's bound to make a difference, regardless of whether I'm at goal weight or not.

I wish you well on your journey and aspirations. This year has been a turning point for me as I've done a lot of adjusting and feel my life is more in balance. Now, to just make more girlfriends! I do have a friend moving back from Alaska and am excited about that. And I'm working on developing a newer friendship as well. I'm getting out more...last year I was too isolated. Doing the church books and helping at the senior site twice a week, plus choir and morning worship team is keeping me busy but not overly so. My thrust this year has been getting healthy and in balance. I am grateful for both

[enna]

Oh dear Mary,

It is good to read about your updates. You have so much going on right now. I am happy to hear that you are returning to your watercolor.

Preparing for your brother's ordination anniversary sounds like a big event and I'm so glad your friend will be with you.

Such good news about Bentley. I hope the weather is warming up so you both can get out for your walks.

I am jealous of your weight loss. Good for you. I always gain weight in the wintertime. I have NO excuse being in Arizona, but I still have that Midwestern thinking.

I know that this time of year brings many memories for you. We do learn to live our new lives, don't we? Life remains bittersweet.

Thank you for keeping in touch.

Anne

[mfh]

Kay, it is difficult to see our furbabies become old. Easier to see me be older. I understand about the length of walks. I take Bentley for two walks away so as to break it up for him. I can tell, as you can, when these four leggeds get weary. I hope his foot is better.

A turning point...for you...a switchback on the labyrinth. Glad to hear you plan to make more friends....my friends are my lifeline in many ways. Onward we go.

[mfh]

Anne, thank you also for your post. It is in the low 70s today and a friend, Bentley and I just returned from a long walk. Bentley can only go a bit less than a mile but by the time we stop and he gets petted by everyone on the streets...it takes a while. We could easily get more snow but it won't last long. We went from winter to spring almost overnight...almost shocking.

Yes, March is a difficult month for me. I dream more of Bill and relive more. It is bittersweet as we know.

Peace to your heart, Anne

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

It is so very good to hear from you and to read your updates, to hear about bentley holding his own, your work on your brother's ordination anniversary, your Rolfing,and how you are making your way through this month with many memories and special days.

I know you will find your place from which you can give and feel that you are being true to yourself, your own heart, and also being true to your calling or mission. You are honest and open about your journey, and that alone is a great help to those of us who follow along not far behind you, as well as to people who are new to this grief journey. I cannot think of any special niche you might choose to occupy where you will not be a blessing to everyone you touch. You have a beautiful gift.

I am always glad to hear how you are doing, but also trying to sort of "stay out of your way" so that you can flow where you need to be without any more distractions than happen anyway.

Peace and Light to you, dear heart.

namaste,

fae

[kayc]

Mary, that's about what we do too, and also twice a day. I did let him run with the pup today but cut it short so he wouldn't get overexhausted and hurt. I brought the truck so he could ride home.

We all miss you here so it's a real treat when you pop in!

Anne, I'm sure you're just fine with your weight. I have been puzzled that my weight has plateaued so long, but it is what it is, I'm not going to worry about it. I will keep on eating healthy and getting regular exercise. Perhaps it's just cuz I'm getting older.

fae, I can't imagine you being in anyone's way!

[mfh]

My dear fae, thank you so very much for your kind words and belief in me. You, my friend, could never ever be in my way. So many here have traveled with me including you...we flow together even though I am not around as much. Never worry about being in my way. I miss you and so many here. I just know that for now at least, I need to step back mostly. Thank you for thinking of me. I think of you and so many here each and every day...truly. I miss you. Peace, Mary

[mfh]

Yes, Kay, I get it about walking our older pets. Bringing the truck is a good idea.

Thanks again for your kind words. It feels good to be missed. Just last week someone told me they were thinking of me and as I drove away I thought how nice that feels since Bill died, I sometimes wonder who thinks of me anymore. I am sure you can relate.

Take good care of Arlie as I know you will and the weight will go when it goes. I just keep eating well and walking.

[Wifflesnook]

Mary I think we totally understand your reasons for stepping away. I know that when you are helping people in grief you give 100%. I was privileged to be one of those many many who was helped by you and I never forget your wise words and the empathy that you showed to me. Those early months, indeed the first two years really, are a time which I view through a foggy window. Even now I find it hard to think about them. Now I try very very hard to live in the present. My worst sin (not the right word) is trying to fill my time with meaningful activity. Frenetically sometimes, to ward off the grief. But I have learnt to say "It is what it is" and everyone has their own way of coping.

After the loss of a life partner everything changes. Absolutely everything. We are all struggling with this. We all know how people who don't indersatnd look at us joining in with things and think "oh how well she has got over his death". How very very little they know.

Dearest Mary I wish you strength as you deal with the anniversary of Bill's death and your birthday. I dreamed of Pete last night. I said "Oh you've come back! I've been looking after your moth trap and everything whilst you've been away". It was a wonderful dream and it's still with me. The best I can wish us all is that feeling that they are close. That we can sometimes feel that closeness. Time doesn't have any bearing upon this. And Mary, I'm so glad that beloved Bentley is still walking along side you too.

Jan

[mfh]

Yes, Jan, everything changes. From rising in the morning to the long evenings alone. I understand. I also see you involving yourself in things meaningful to you and important to your area. I honor that as I know the pain you experienced early on...and I know this has taken great effort and commitment to find the meaningful in life. It has and is for me also. I am so glad you had such a wonderful dream of Pete. They do tend to stay with us and I write mine down so I can go back to them when I feel his absence cutting through my days. Thank you for your lovely post.

And here is Bentley in January 11 years 4 months and holding:

[Wifflesnook]

Thank you Mary and for the photos of lovely Bentley