Dumped After Death Of Parents

[bradskynoon]

I'm not really sure why I'm writing on here, I just need an outlet I guess.

So to cut a long story short in may 2013 my mother died unexpectedly age 54 she had been diagnosed with cancer only 11 weeks and one day while we were both at home there was a scream of my name i ran in to find her vomiting blood,she couldn't breathe and died in my arms. It was also the first day my father had gone to work in months as he didn't want to leave her alone but, well money doesn't grow on trees eh.

My Mother and I were very close and although I was glad that my father didn't have to see her in that horrific moment I have been struggling with that experience ever since. Suffered from severe ptsd and still do to an extent

My girlfriend was a rock for both me and my father. We had a long distance relationship and she would do all the travelling visiting us every second weekend.

She was so strong through it all. My father was feeling depression for the first time in his life. He would take his grief out on me and I would take mine out on her. After about 6 months things started to become more manageable and we were all moving forward. Then my cat who I loved like a son was killed in a hit and run. It sent me back into a bit of a hole. Again we started to move forward then 14 months after the death of my mother my dad was diagnosed with leukaemia, it was then that I became quite distant with my girlfriend I didn't realise how much I had shut her out. I was just so fully committed to helping my dad get better. 4 months later he passed away age 56. I then spent for the very first time Christmas alone. Sat in the home where not two years previous we were all a happy and healthy family. The isolation and silence was indescribably oppressive. I kept thinking of my girlfriend to keep me going. I had told her to enjoy Christmas with her family and we would spend new year together. I was so excited when I went to pick her up at the train station but instead of receiving the hug kiss and smile I had been expecting it was greeted with an apathetic look. When I quizzed her about being so withdrawn when Id just spent the last two weeks sat alone she burst into tears and told me she had been hiding a depression for about 6 months. Things weren't the same after that. She began ignoring me. And we were having lots of arguments because I felt so abandoned. 6 weeks later she dumped me.

I had been with her for 4 years I loved her more than anything in the world. I wanted to marry this girl and we never got a chance to move in together or make a real start to our relationship because of my parents illnesses and subsequent deaths.

She has sunk into an all consuming depression and says she just needs time alone. And she doesn't know how long it will take or whether she will ever take me back.

I am so lost without her and my parents and my cat I go for days sitting in a chair not moving or eating. Just smoking and staring at the TV.

Losing her has hurt me twice as much as losing my father.

I have no immediate family. And only a handful of friends who lead very busy lives.

I am just so alone and lost and I have lost my link to the past and my hope and future in one blow.

[kayc]

Wow, that is a lot for one person to take. I am so sorry for the death of your mom, your dad, your cat, and now your GF. I'm sure she's one of those people that bottles stuff up and you think everything's okay, but it's not and all of a sudden, wham, it hits! It'd be so much easier if you could talk about things as you're feeling them...saving everything up for at once is hard for anyone to take. Is she getting help/treatment for her depression?

Have you tried writing her a letter, telling her how you feel about her, how much you appreciate her having been there for you in your darkest hours? Does she know that you'd hoped/planned on spending your life with her, or was it just assumed? Years ago when my daughter and her BF broke up, I remember he'd told her "But I'd planned on marrying you!" She thought that was news to her. It's hard when the communication is such that you don't convey these things as you go. That's a sign that all is not perfect in the relationship as you'd thought.

You say you are lost, it's no wonder. It's going to take a lot of effort on your part to get out of this slump. Maybe start by seeing a grief counselor...they can help us address things that we wouldn't know where to start on our own. There's grief support groups as well, but I'd start with one on one with a counselor.

Your friends live busy lives, but it's going to be important for you to reach out to them, you need them right now. Maybe start with a phone call, an invitation to do something together, hang out together, get a bite to eat together. If they're young, they may not have a clue what you're going through, but if you can be clear about what you need from them, it'd help...maybe just as simple as saying you need to connect with those that are most important to you.

It's going to be up to you to reach out, and if you don't get the response you want or need, keep trying, try someone else. No one is going to do it for you. I know how hard it is. I've been alone for a long time, it took me a long time to get used to it and building friendship networks takes a lot of effort...but we all need that. And of course, you can keep coming here. It helps to express ourselves and know we're heard, that someone out there cares and understands. That's what this place is all about.

Have you read the threads in "Loss of Love" section? It might help you to know that you are not alone, it's more common than you'd think. Sometimes it's the griever that does the dumping, but sometimes they're the dumpee. I was one of the dumpees, when my fiance lost his mom. It's been 4 1/2 years, I'm okay now, but it was harder than I can say to go through in the beginning. I can't say as I ever fully understood it, but I did have to accept it.

Good luck to you, I hope you'll keep coming here...remember, you're not alone here.

[bradskynoon]

Thank you for kindness. Yes my ex knows exactly how I feel about her and appreciated her efforts we had even named our future children , but she says love isn't enough. Shes currently seeing a head doctor and is on antidepressants.

As for me. I don't think I'm the type of person that would benefit from counselling I was making good progress before she left me.

But thank you again

[kayc]

Well it's your decision, but I'd hope you'd keep an open mind until you've tried it at least three times. It's been beneficial to countless people here and is highly recommended. Our own moderator, Marty, is a grief counselor and recommends it as loss is a hard thing to find your way in alone.

Having been through loss, time and again, my hope is that you can get through this with acceptance, as we can't change the other person, we have no choice but to respect their decisions, even while we don't understand it or agree that it was the right thing to do. Sometimes we can be friends afterwards, but not until we reach the place where we've accepted what is and know we aren't going to try and change their mind or hope for something that isn't. To do less would not be in our own best interest. After we reach that point, we begin to heal, and it takes time, but having been there, I know it can happen. It's good to have a time where you don't have contact to allow yourself to heal and begin to put your own best interests first. Focusing on friends helps, keep busy, a good time to start new interests, take a class, join a gym, do things for YOU.

I wish the best for you.