I Miss My Dad So Much!

[kayc]

I hope all goes well with your appointment. I can relate to your feelings of not belonging or having something geared towards your age group...it's how I felt after my first divorce...I didn't fit in with the college singles or with the young marrieds...I was 23 and single but felt much older after all I'd been through. Even now, I'm made to feel I'm "not old enough" to fit in with the seniors (I'm 62) but there's not a lot of people my age or if they are, they're working. Sometimes I wish I had more friends to do things with. Living in the country, there's not much in the way of "groups" to join, especially since I no longer drive at night. I've gotten used to my solitude but would like to have companionship more often. I need to go to the valley and do some shopping, but doing so makes me miss my mom because it's only been a few months since she passed and I'm used to going to see her whenever I make the trip in (60 miles away).

[Gigi-T]

Thank you, KayC. for your good wishes. I'm sorry you're so isolated living in the country. I hope we both find more friends to do things with. I can certainly relate to not wanting to go shopping, because it makes you miss your Mom. When I used to run errands, I would always rush home to be with my dad, sometimes with a treat to eat. I'd call him on my cell phone at regular intervals to make sure he was ok and so he'd know I was ok (he always worried about me). Now it's so sad and strange that no one is waiting for me at home and he's not there to call on my cell phone. Since I don't have a car and cabs can be unreliable, I order most of my groceries online. My dad would tell me what he wanted and make a list. As a child of the Great Depression, he liked having plenty of food and supplies on hand. Always eager to help, he would move the grocery bags closer to the kitchen as he was able to and fold the empty bags for me. Just doing simple chores like that together with him was fun. Now I don't order groceries online until I absolutely have to, because it makes me miss my dad.

I went to my last session with my young female therapist today. She tried to convince me that I should keep seeing her as something to do for myself. I didn't want to tell her that I'm switching to a psychologist, because I wasn't satisfied with our sessions. She's a nice person, but she's too young for my particular case. I told her I have to declutter my house to make room for a partner or a roommate, now that I have my cousin helping me. I thanked her for everything and I said if I need more therapy after the project is done, I'll get in touch with her. She said she might not have an opening later, so I said if she can't fit me in then I'll understand. I emailed my older male therapist that I wouldn't be attending any more sessions indefinitely, for the same reason. I thanked him for his valuable insights and wished him blessings. He didn't have the courtesy to reply, not even to wish me luck. And he calls himself a minister.

[kayc]

I had to chuckle at her vain attempts to get you to make another appointment with her...sounds like she's desperate for business! Giving her the benefit of the doubt, perhaps she really did think it in your best interest, but it reminds me of a high pressured salesman's technique. You handled it well.

When my husband passed away, I couldn't go get groceries, so my daughter did it for me for a while. He and I had always done it together and he enjoyed it so much...having 100+ mile round trip to get groceries, it was an event. He'd grown up hungry and poor so buying food was a really big deal for him! I still think about him when I see other couples...her watching the cash register, him bagging the groceries...now I have to do it alone.

It's not being in the country that isolates me so much as having lost so many friends to their moving away...the last one being just a few months ago. Yes, we need new/more friends!

[Gigi-T]

I really sympathize about having lost so many friends and having to do things alone. Some of my friends have moved away but most of them have died, because I inherited some of my favorite friends from my father and great uncle. Most of my online friends are older, too, because I relate to them better.

I just came back from the garden. I had to prune a large ivy hedge and being so sleep deprived, it took a lot out of me. I know I'm so lucky to even have a garden and a home, but I had to cry because I miss my father so much. He would help me cut up the branches for recycling. Just being out there together was more happiness than I ever realized, even though it seemed like a routine chore at the time that just needed to be done. I feel so exhausted. It must be the benzo withdrawal, because I took Ambien CR the last couple of nights instead of the Ativan. I don't know which one or both is causing me to feel so out of it. I need to find a doctor who not only knows how to prescribe sleep medications but how to taper off of them, too. I'm not too happy with my current doctor, because he didn't send me a copy of my blood tests as I requested. He said everything was ok except my cholesterol is high -- I'm not surprised considering all the stress I'm under these days.

I've weaned myself off of Ambien before, but this is my first experience with the benzodiazepine Ativan. I tried to taper down from 1 mg to 0.75 but when I tried to cut down to 0.50 mg I slept only three or four hours. I switched to the Ambien CR 12.5 and slept six hours on Friday night, but I had bad anxiety yesterday during the day. Ambien never made me anxious before, so it must be Ativan withdrawal. I was on it over a month. I almost checked into the ER last night, but the last time I went in for anxiety in January the nurse practitioner just said I was experiencing a normal grief reaction and didn't give me anything except for five Ambien because I begged her for them. She lectured me on sleep hygiene, but I think the insomnia I have goes beyond that. In my current exhausted physical and emotional state, I don't know if I can take all this anxiety. I have Xanax but I'm afraid to try it, because I don't want to get addicted to a third medication. A friend who works for a doctor said that most people who stop their sleep meds have to white knuckle it and deal with the rebound insomnia for a few nights. But I haven't had a decent night's sleep in two months, I'm worried that I'm going to have a nervous breakdown, because of my sleep deprivation. I've never had such dark circles under my eyes before. It's scary that even drugs can't help me, because they create problems of their own.

My half brother who is an RN suggested this morning that I go on Depakote, because he had an elderly patient with dementia who was agitated and restless for several days -- the poor man couldn't sleep at all. The Depakote put him to sleep and now he's almost normal. I read that it's hard on the liver. I do feel a bit nervous when I go to bed, but it's not like I'm tossing and turning all night, thanks to the Ambien or Ativan, which ever one I take, but I wonder how it would be without any sleep med at all. My anxiety seems a little better than yesterday, but I'm still so tired and don't feel as sure on my feet as I normally do. My appetite is not good either and I don't even have much thirst. I have to force myself to drink something so I won't get dehydrated. The tinnitus in my left ear is bothersome, too. (My doctor just said tinnitus is incurable.) It comes and goes. Depakote is used to treat mania associated with bipolar disorder, as well as certain types of seizures and migraines. I don't think I have mania because I don't have that much energy.

I can't wait to see the psychologist on Tuesday, but psychologists don't prescribe meds. Maybe he can refer me to a good psychiatrist. My current doctor doesn't know any.

[kayc]

It does indeed sound like trying another doctor might be in order to take care of your sleep and anxiety problems. You may have to do your own research, as I did, and then present it to the doctor. It could be there's something that would work well that he just isn't thinking of, sometimes they get in ruts.

It's to be expected that you miss your dad, especially when you do activities that used to include both of you. I'm still going through that with the loss of my mom in August, as every time I go to town, I want to see her, as I have for the last 38 years I've lived away from her town.

[Gigi-T]

Thank you, KayC. I think my current doctor must be getting ready to retire, because he takes frequent vacations. I have been doing a lot of research on medications, but I get scared off by the side effects.

I wonder if I'll ever get used to living alone. I know how to appreciate solitude, but it's only pleasant when it's a choice. Even when my father couldn't join me in the garden, I knew he was just inside the house, so I wasn't truly alone. After my great uncle died in 1998, I felt sad whenever I went into the yard, because my uncle used to spend most of his free time working in the garden. Since our house is on a hill, the yard is lower than the street, so after my uncle suffered a stroke, the only way he could get to the garden was when someone strong would help lower his wheelchair down the steep stairs. I remember on his last visit to the garden he loved, my normally stoic uncle shed a few tears. I feel sad and anxious just thinking about it. One of the last things I tried to lift my spirits was the supplement SAM-e, which was first sold in the USA in 1999. I took it for one month. It seemed to help me, but I don't know if it was time that healed me or the SAM-e. I'm tempted to try it again, but two of the possible side effects are anxiety and insomnia.

[kayc]

Oh no, you don't want side effects that are what you're trying to get rid of to start with! I know my doctor has me on Lipitor and it causes liver damage and increases blood sugar, I'm now Diabetic and have Cirrhosis of the liver (I don't drink) and I'm wondering if Lipitor is the culprit...I've been on it for 18 years. Since I couldn't get my cholesterol under control with diet and exercise, I let them put me on it because heart trouble runs in my family, but now they say it's not such a big deal to have high cholesterol and it adjusts itself after changing in diet to compensate so there's not a lot you can do about it. I wish I'd known sooner!

[kayc]

I know how to appreciate solitude, but it's only pleasant when it's a choice.

So aptly put!

[Gigi-T]

I'm very sorry you're dealing with cirrhosis and diabetes. I'm insulin-resistant so I need to increase my exercise, but it's so hard when I'm depressed. I didn't go out walking much during my dad's last two years, because I didn't want to leave him alone too long. I wish I had pushed him to get out and walk more, but his drug of choice was watching movies and sports. It took his mind off his troubles.

Well, I went to the psychologist today and he said that tears are good and not crying is ok, too. We should express our grief in whatever way feels right at the time. My first therapy session was free so I can't complain about that. I did most of the talking because I had to tell him my situation, but he stopped me sometimes so he could comment. I apologized and told him if I'm rambling on it's because I haven't talked to anyone in person for six days. Basically, his advice was to think of myself as a baby, that we are all babies and as human babies we deserve to be loved. When I keep thinking negative thoughts such as guilt and regret, I am being cruel to my inner baby. I need to love myself before I can love anybody else. He said to me, "Your problem is you don't love yourself." I asked him, "Are you saying I didn't love my father?" He got annoyed and said, "You didn't come here to argue with me. You're going to have to take my advice if you want to feel better." He has a point there. Whatever mind games it takes to distract myself, I guess I have to play along. I asked, "What if my baby is bad?" He answered, "No baby is bad. All babies deserve to be loved the way they are, even if they have problems or flaws." I'm just paraphrasing, but he said every time a negative thought or sad image comes to mind about my experience, then I should embrace my inner baby and give myself comfort. My homework is to write out what we talked about in our session. I feel like he wants me to take notes for him, but I'll do it. He recorded our talk (I almost walked into the elevator with the microphone still on my jacket). At least he has a recording machine (unless the microphone was just a prop) -- neither of my previous therapists had one, although my previous male therapist would type notes on his laptop as we talked and then email them to me with his brief comments. I will go to at least one paid session with the psychologist and then decide if I want to continue. If I don't, I'll tell him baby doesn't want to come anymore.

I received a nice mini therapy session from my cab driver. He said that five years ago he lost his father at age 55, his wife divorced him and he lost his house, all at the same time. He was devastated and couldn't afford a therapist. So he started running and yelling if he felt like it. He lost half his body weight -- he used to be 300 pounds and showed me his driver's license to prove it. His photo was unrecognizable -- he looks good now! He lives with his mother and has full custody of his three children, so he has to support four people. It's difficult, but he takes it one day at a time. There isn't a day that he doesn't miss his father. I told him he's lucky he still has his mother and his children. I could face anything, too, if I had someone with me. All I have is my inner baby.

[jame57]

Hi Gigi-T,

I've just been reading through your thread again to catch up and it echoes my experience in so many ways. I saw a therapist up until a couple of years ago to help with low self-esteem and depression.....something that doesn't help when grieving. My mum very kindly paid for most of the sessions too bless her. It helped at the time though but the first sessions were awkward and I doubted it could help. I'm glad I stuck with it though as it certainly did. She said I should nurture my inner child too.

[kayc]

I've heard them call it our inner child too. I'm sure they all have different ways of documenting the visit (recording or taking notes). I felt it amiss that he yelled at you about "arguing" when you were just trying to clarify what he was saying, that seems uncalled for. In summation you have an inner child that you need to be caring for, we all do. Your taxi driver figured out what worked for him! He is so right about three things: 1) Do what works for you, to get it out (run, scream, cry, whatever) 2) Take one day at a time 3) Value what there is right now (live in the present)

[Gigi-T]

My previous male therapist (a former prison chaplain) tried to raise my self-esteem with compliments, but when I sent him an email saying I wouldn't be able to come to more sessions for a while, he didn't even reply, which rather defeated his efforts to raise my self-esteem. He gave me a discount of $40 per session, when his regular rate is $150/hour. This was after he admitted that as a minister he should be counseling me for free. Once when he told me something he thought was particularly insightful, he said, "I should charge you $150 for helping you realize that." Even though he was just kidding, that comment didn't sit well with me. So when he complimented me later, I said, "I did pay you to say that so why should I believe it?" He replied that if he lied to his clients then he'd be out of business. I only said that because I didn't think he acted very warm or compassionate for someone who thought so highly of me. He didn't use little niceties like "how are you?" or "hope you feel better soon". He sometimes used salty language, probably from dealing with convicts. But the worst thing was when I told him people tell me my dad's spirit is still in the house. He replied, "Bull****". Hardly appropriate language for a "minister". I enjoyed talking with him, but he lost his credibility so I had to drop him.

Even the psychologist could stand to be a little more sincere. As I was leaving I told him, "Have a nice evening." Instead of wishing me the same, he said, "I fully intend to." Maybe I'm nit-picking, but I would expect a therapist, of all people, to be warm and affirming. It's like you can't even pay some people to be nice. The taxi driver would be a better therapist than the three I've tried so far. He said to me, "You should talk to me instead of them." I probably would if he had given me his phone number. I told him he should be a motivational speaker.

[kayc]

Wow! Perhaps he did pick up the salty language from dealing with inmates, perhaps even worse, he developed a cynicism from the exposure. There are other therapists! There are even some who will charge based on income. I hope you haven't given up trying to find the one that's right for you. Yes, they charge us for their time, just like we get paid for what we do (unless we're volunteering, like I am now), but that doesn't mean they can't be sincere and authentic.

And how can he be so sure your dad's spirit isn't around? What does he base that on? It's not a question meant to require an answer because personally, if it brings you comfort, then that's a thought worth entertaining, at least that's how I see it.

You're right, and just maybe your words to the taxi driver will give him pause for thought...don't be surprised if someday you see him touted as a motivational speaker somewhere!

[Gigi-T]

I wish I had a counselor as kind and compassionate as you, dear KayC. Here in person, I mean, though I'm lucky to have you in the forum. I've struck out three times already on the therapists. I'm crying my eyes out right now -- not about the therapists, but because I'm missing my dad again. I just sent an email to my cousin for her birthday. She's celebrating in Buenos Aires, and that reminded me of the tango singer Carlos Gardel whom my father liked. Why didn't I put on a Carlos Gardel movie or song that last night my dad was here? Maybe it would have cheered him better than that stupid downbeat movie we watched. I can't buy into the inner baby thing. My suffering is too intense -- all I can do is cry out to God for mercy, the way my dear father did. I'm sorry to be such a downer, but this forum is to express our grief. I think I had better go see the priest at St. Peter's Church. He seemed genuinely compassionate. I've never been so miserable in my life. I don't know who to turn to anymore. I prayed at St. Anthony's Church this afternoon. My heart was pounding after my mile walk and my vision was shaky as I looked at the beautiful stained glass windows. I shouldn't have had two pisco sours at the Peruvian restaurant. Mea culpa....

I was spacey before we even got to the restaurant (I went with my cousin Randy). I could speak perfectly well but I felt lightheaded and weird. Must be the benzo withdrawal. Well, it was good to cry though it's agony during the tears. I've never felt such despair.

I have cancelled with the psychologist. I want someone sweet and kind -- if I want to argue the finer points of therapy, I should have that privilege. How can he say I don't love myself? Would I be spending a small fortune for therapy if I wasn't trying to be kind to myself and that brat inside me? Poor joke, I know.

[kayc]

You may be feeling ultra sensitive to what they say, grief does that to us. Wanting to be around someone compassionate IS being kind to your inner child. Keep taking care of yourself, being understanding and patient with yourself...the way you'd be to your dad...that is how he'd want you to be to yourself too. Perhaps a grief counselor instead of a therapist?

[Gigi-T]

Yes, I am a sensitive person and with my grief and the sleep deprivation, I'm naturally going to be more sensitive than usual. But by the same token, my isolation has made me more appreciative of people and their kindness. I was smiling and laughing with my cousin Randy in the waiting room, because I was just so happy to talk to a human being in person! After my session with the psychologist and I was talking about it with my cousin, he told me, "You don't get out much do you? Most people aren't very nice. That's just how life is." I may not go out much, but I think I know enough about how mean and arrogant people can be. I thought therapists were supposed to be more compassionate than the average person. I was talking to another cousin and she told me that her therapist fell asleep during her sesson.

I thought a PhD would be even more skilled at saying comforting and polite things. He told me he is an agnostic, so he can't offer any spiritual comfort, so his approach is only on the psychological level. I am agnostic myself, but I have always believed in a higher power and have never stopped praying to God. I have been going to church again.

So far my therapists have been a young woman who has never lost a parent or experienced an existential crisis, a prison chaplain who swears and who doesn't believe in spirits, and a psychologist who got angry at me for asking a question. Finding a nice doctor, lawyer, and contractor has also been like searching for the Holy Grail. I did manage to find one honest contractor but he's retired and only came over as a favor to my half brother to fix my front door. He said he doesn't need the money, but I paid him anyway. I appreciate good service.

There is a grief counselor who lives just a block away from me, and she was the first person I contacted two months ago, but when she didn't answer my email within a few hours, I cancelled. A friend asked me do I really want someone who lives just a block away to know about my personal life? I think the grief counselor should have replied to my email, even after I cancelled, to say that she's there if I need her, but she didn't. Maybe she doesn't want a patient living so close to her either.

My cousin's girlfriend promised to give me the contact info for a psychiatrist who helped her through a crisis thirty years ago. I haven't tried a psychiatrist yet -- perhaps she can help me wean off the sleeping pills.

[kayc]

Hey, if you found an honest contractor, that's something! It's so hard finding people that we rely on professionally, it makes me feel vulnerable.

I wish you well in your search for a new therapist/counselor/psychiatrist...whatever you find.

[Gigi-T]

Thanks again, KayC! I was listening to a program about grief and one lady said she hired a counselor right after her father died for a four hour session. All the therapists I've seen only offer 45 minutes, which is not enough time for me. The psychologist said he could only see me for 45 minutes once a week. Instead of telling me to comfort my inner baby, I wish he had spoken to the baby directly.

[kayc]

When I went to a grief counselor I think it was one hour sessions, although I'm pretty sure he'd have stayed longer if need be.

[Gigi-T]

When I saw my therapists they had clients waiting for their session, so more time wasn't an option.

[enna]

Hi Gigi-T,

I went back and reread your posts and my heart hurts for you. As you have said, you have tried several different therapists, but I do not see where you have connected with a grief counselor. Grieving the death of a loved one does not mean we are sick. Grief is not an illness. There is no doubt that you loved your dad. You two were connected for many years and then he was physically gone from your life.

You are grieving a loss and it takes time to come to grips with that. We do not go to a grief session once or twice and be over it. This grief journey takes as long as it takes. Many of us have been on this journey for several years and as we begin to peel away the layers of grief only then can we begin to accept the loss.

I was fortunate to have the most caring grief counselor from Hospice of the Valley after the death of my husband, She guided me through many months of grief sessions (a free service provided by Hospice of the Valley). Another thing I found to be of great help was an online grief course directed by our own moderator, Marty. This course came directly to my e-mail box twice a month. The information was valuable to me and the links that followed each session gave me “work” to do as I awaited my next lesson. You may find it to be of help to you. You can find it at this link:

http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/course-52.html

I know how difficult this grief journey is ~ sending you hugs.

Anne

[Gigi-T]

Thank you so much, Anne, for your very kind and helpful message. I have just enrolled in Marty's online grief course which I'll begin tomorrow.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm very glad that you found a caring grief counselor. One of the first things I tried was a free drop-in grief support group at Hospice by the Bay, which was helpful, but I only got to attend one meeting because the group was cancelled due to low attendance (only four people). I am currently attending a grief support group at St. Mary's Cathedral, but it meets only once a month.

I understand that grief is not an illness, but my chronic insomnia and dependence on sleeping pills are a kind of illness, which is making my journey through grief extra difficult. I was taking Ambien 5 mg for insomnia for a full year before my dad died. Then my new doctor who doesn't like to prescribe Ambien gave me a prescription for Ativan 1 mg at bedtime. Little did I know that benzos are more addictive than heroin. I tried switching back to Ambien, but I've become tolerant to it. I'm only getting four or five hours of sleep per night -- I worry about rebound insomnia if I stop the pills. I was hoping a psychiatrist could help me wean off the sleeping pills and maybe provide some therapy at the same time, though not all psychiatrists do talk therapy anymore.

My father was my main source of emotional support and I was his. I've never lived alone before. The therapists tell me I have to learn to live for myself, but it's an alien concept to me, because I grew up around lots of relatives. They're mostly gone now. I have my half brother and some cousins but they have their own lives and families, plus they live far away. They don't share my interests the way my father did. There's no guarantee that I will ever find someone who will love me.

Guilt feelings are still tormenting me. I know my father wouldn't want me to feel this way, and even that creates more guilt feelings. I keep wondering did he have too much sodium that day or not enough water? I should have served him more vegetables! I shouldn't have served him that slice of chocolate cake at lunch. I should have started him on vitamin D sooner. Why didn't I make him exercise more! What if we had listened to happier music, instead of Pachelbel's Canon on the radio -- why did the radio station play that depressing song twice in the same week! We should have watched a musical instead of that morbid thriller. Was he watching it just to please me? It was a maelstrom of sad coincidences that last day at home. And yet my brave, sleep-deprived father could still joke and smile with the doctor and nurses later at the hospital. When asked if he needed anything, he replied, "Give me a beer!" Thank goodness I didn't give him alcohol.

I really appreciate your comment on another thread: "we cannot be guilty if we have not done something intentional to hurt another person". God knows I didn't want my dad to suffer. If I could trade places with him in the grave I would, but then he would be alone like I am now. I regret the nights I left him alone in the ICU, because I had to go home to sleep. I thought they would keep a close watch on him. I am crying harder than ever before -- wailing in anguish and no drugs can help me because they cause more damage than good! I don't know if it's the grief, sleep deprivation or benzo withdrawal that is making me so depressed. Probably everything combined.

Why did my dad have to be so sweet and lovable? -- he should have been a bitter old curmudgeon at his age. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so sorry for him. I can't stand the idea that he knew he was dying, and that there was nothing we could do. I had to tell him that he needed a heart operation. Why couldn't he have had a glimmer of hope to cling to? I tried to give him the illusion that he had a chance of getting better at the end, by telling him I couldn't wait to get him home so I could take care of him. He nodded, but I don't know if he was just humoring me. He was so good and so brave -- it must have been terribly sad and frightening, even for a man of faith. Jesus himself had his agony in the garden. I'm sorry if I'm demoralizing anyone -- but these are the negative thoughts that have been plaguing me. I know I'm supposed to be kind to my inner child, but I wonder if I just face the thoughts, and cry my eyes out, will they subside? I've heard how one has to go through grief, not around it.

I don't blame my father for not wanting to go back on the ventilator. Aside from the discomfort, I read that anesthetics and sedatives don't refresh like natural sleep -- they just knock you out and make you think you slept. That means my poor father went ten days without good sleep. My father was on propofol for three days that he was on the ventilator. During the weaning period he received Fentanyl for sleep. Then during Comfort Care he was given morphine. I read an article on CNN that Michael Jackson may be the only human ever to go two months without REM -- rapid eye movement -- sleep, which is vital to keep the brain and body alive. The 60 nights of propofol infusions Jackson was given to treat his insomnia is something no one had ever undergone.

I've gone two months now without natural sleep! -- over a year if you count my ambien dependence. I must be getting some REM sleep, because I dreamed about my father last night. I was so happy to see him alive, then I woke up.

I have tried so many times to get help already: two grief support groups, three therapists, three doctors, four churches, three online grief forums. This forum is the best, the contributors are so wonderfully supportive -- I can't thank you all enough.

It sounds like I really should try a grief therapist for individual counseling. Sending hugs to you....

Gigi

[kayc]

Have you tried getting a sleep study done on yourself? I'm surprised if your doctor hasn't suggested it since you've had this problem for quite a while. A person needs sleep!

It's true that we need to live for ourselves, but a good therapist would not leave you hanging with that, they would walk you through the steps to get there. Most of us already know what's wrong with us, it's knowing what to do about it that we need help with.

You don't deserve to feel guilty...we all wish our loved one could have had everything go perfectly...if that were the case, they'd still be here though! The truth is, many things were beyond our control or expertise. We rely on doctors and sometimes they don't tell us everything for lack of time or foresight.

A grief counselor would probably be more beneficial with regards to what you're going through with the loss of your dad.

[Gigi-T]

Even some doctors admit the medical field is going to hell. I will try to find a grief counselor, but most of them are very young -- there must be a high burnout rate. I still need to find a good primary care physician. My first doctor was at a drop-in clinic so he didn't have time to focus on any one patient. The second one was a friend of the family who prescribed the Ativan without warning me about how addictive benzos are. She also prescribed Xanax but I'm afraid to try it. My current physician is not good about answering my questions and he takes too many vacations.

I haven't had a sleep study done, because even if I have sleep apnea, I know I wouldn't be able to sleep on a CPAP machine. I even take off eye shades in my sleep. Just mentioning the CPAP reminds me of the night my dad was on the Bi-PAP through the night in the ICU and I wasn't there to comfort him, because I was sleeping at home.

During Comfort Care the doctor and nurses told me he was not suffering, but I was puzzled at why the nurses would try to wake him when they turned him. One of them said to him, "Your favorite daughter is here!" (he only had one). His eyes opened but they looked up toward the ceiling. If they think he could comprehend them, then that means he could still think and anyone who can think is capable of suffering psychologically -- this thought bothers me. I know it's over now and there's nothing that can be done to change the past, but I woke up this morning thinking about more sad memories -- some things that weren't my fault but they're still sad.

Of course, there are many more times that I was there for him, and you'd think that would give me comfort.

I have lost other loved ones, but nothing prepared me for the loss of my father, because our lives were so intertwined.

[kayc]

IDK, they did that with my mom too, would try to wake her when they turned her, etc. I think they feel the interaction helps, maybe it's out of respect to them, to let them know what they're doing to them.

Someone can be cognizant to someone being there yet not be suffering psychologically. I think my mom was there.