I Miss My Dad So Much!

[Gigi-T]

I do hope so, KayC. Yes, it would be more respectful for the nurses to let the patient know what they're doing to them.

I was so worried that my father wouldn't tolerate the morphine, because hydrocodone and hydromorphone (Dilaudid) had made him ill during a previous hospitalization. By some miracle, the morphine did not appear to make him sick to his stomach, though he wouldn't have been able to say so if it did. He also tolerated the propofol and fentanyl when he was on the ventilator. He told me that he was not in pain -- I hope he wasn't just saying that so as not to worry me. Since his mental state and breathing seemed relaxed before he became unconscious, I can hope that he did not suffer psychological or physical pain at the end. During the last twelve hours the Cheyne-Stokes breathing set in, and I found that distressing to witness because it looked so exhausting. However, I recently read that patients who are able to speak generally say that no distress is associated with this breathing pattern, so one can assume that it wouldn't be bothersome to a patient who is unconscious. I find that comforting. The only incident that suggested cognizance to me was when my dad waited for me to fall asleep in the chair before drawing his last breath. Perhaps he wanted me to be at peace, before he left.

Yesterday afternoon I was invited over to my next door neighbor's patio party. I was surprised. I should have asked him if he overheard me crying the night before (since I've been crying more intensely lately). I told him I was very grateful for his invitation but I am too sad to attend a party at this time. (There were some days when I would have gone to his party, but I'm in a slump now.) He understood and said I should come to their next party if I'm feeling better. Then last night, my neighbors across the street invited me over, and so I went since I figured I could handle two longtime neighbors better than a crowd of strangers. We talked for three hours and had mimosas, finger foods, and homemade peanut butter cookies. I had a nice time -- this was the first time I was over their house in years -- though they have been over here a few times in the past. They let me talk about my guilt feelings and refuted every one of them. One of my hosts is recovering from breast cancer and she said that before her diagnosis her sister told her that her illness was the wrath of God. When the diagnosis for cancer was confirmed, her sister felt so guilty and would cry every time she called, but she has forgiven her sister, because we all say things we don't mean at the time. Her partner has lost most of her immediate family, three brothers and her mother. She went to a spiritualist church where they do psychic readings for people wanting to communicate with their lost loved ones. The psychics pass through the people in attendance and then stop when they get a message or vision of some sort. The psychic stopped in front of my neighbor and said there were a lot of spirits around her and that one of them was making a triumphant gesture -- you know where you clasp your hands and then lift them over your head. She said her late brother used to do that when he got good news. She really believes the psychic saw her brother. The psychic also told her that someone in her family was happy with a decision that she had recently made. That's a bit vague, but she thinks it was her decision to quit drinking at that time. She has started drinking again though. It was funny how they were dancing around trying to cheer me up. Now they have promised to take me to trivia night at a local Irish bar.

I told them I don't think I can face living the rest of my life alone. They said you're not alone, you have us. I meant living here without my father, but it is a blessing to have friendly neighbors though they haven't always been so nice. They can be extremely rude when riled (but not with me yet). The cancer diagnosis has made them both kinder, gentler people who are very philosophical now. They've also invited me to go to New Orleans with them. They go every year, because they love the people, the food and the culture. I'm in no condition to travel, but it's nice to be asked. Later this week they are coming over to my place to watch the memorial slideshows I made for my father and mother, since they couldn't attend the services.

My cousin's girlfriend gave me a list of two psychiatrists and a psychologist that she recommends. The psychiatrists have mixed reviews on Yelp. One has a nice smile in his photo ad, but a reviewer said he is very honest, frank and very tough -- that doesn't sound compassionate to me. Another reviewer said he is a total jerk -- that he left nasty messages on his answering machine because he doesn't like patient's cancelling an appointment. Sounds like the doctor needs therapy. One reviewer said the second psychiatrist was too brusque and listened more than she talked. Another said that her advice sounds like a drug company ad. The psychologist sounds good in her ad but she has no reviews. I think I'll keep looking for a grief counselor.

[kayc]

I think a grief counselor would be more fitting. I am so glad your neighbors are reaching out to you. When George died, my daughter invited me to her close friend's 4th of July party, it was two weeks after he died and I didn't feel like gaiety and didn't want to be a downer at their party so I declined...she's never invited me to anything since. It's been ten years now. I've lived here 38 years and my neighbors haven't reached out to me at all. The ones who used to be here, the older ones (they've died or moved since) we used to all get together and help each other and were friends, but the younger ones now, they stick to themselves. I am glad for you. Just having people around that notice and care really helps.

[Gigi-T]

I know what you mean about the younger neighbors sticking to themselves. It's the same here, especially if there's an age gap of more than ten years. I am not that close to my neighbors though a couple of them have sought me out to water their plants or feed their cats when they go on vacations. I was kind of close to one neighbor but she moved to the other side of the world. To tell you the truth, the neighbors across the street wouldn't have invited me over if I hadn't invited them to come over first to watch my memorial slideshows. Since I hadn't set foot in their house since we were kids about 45 years ago, they said it was high time I came over there. Since they don't have a dvd player hooked up to their tv they will come over here to view the slideshows later this week. I also asked if either of them would like company when they walk their dog, just to let me know. I know sometimes people would rather be alone with their thoughts after a busy day, but I've been alone with my thoughts for over two months. They'd probably prefer that I walk their dog for them, but I want to walk with somebody I can talk to. I know I'm going to have to steel myself for rejection, because these neighbors can be insensitive and flaky at times. I realize that nobody wants to feel obligated toward somebody else on a regular basis, especially when they already have a partner and plenty of friends. But if either of them would like to go for a walk with me, I think I'd enjoy it better than walking alone. It's odd that I don't usually see this couple walking together though, only separately, even though they've been together for about thirty years. Now I'm thinking maybe it was a mistake to ask them, though one of them had mentioned taking me to the gym she goes to, but she goes at 5 in the morning -- that's way too early for me now that my sleep is messed up. I miss the times when my father and I would go walking together. I wish we would have walked together more often, but he was a morning person and I am a night owl. It's weird that now that he's gone there are so many things I would have done differently. If I had him back, I probably wouldn't let him out of my sight. I guess this is the bargaining stage of grief.

[kayc]

In hindsight it's easy to wish you'd done things differently, but the truth is, we never have hindsight going forward so we'd probably do things the same way if we had it to live over again...we still wouldn't know.

My mom was an intense person, very difficult, controlling, hard to be around, very negative. When she'd call, her voice going into my ear would give me an instant headache. I had to buy a phone with a speaker so I wouldn't get a headache. Sometimes I used the treadmill while she talked to let the stress flow back out. She didn't like the speakerphone, said she couldn't hear me, I'd ask why she needed to hear me when she did all the talking. I never thought I'd see the day where I'd miss her calls. But I do.

[Gigi-T]

Yes, it's sad that we never get the chance to use our hindsight to do thngs differently.

My mother stopped calling me regularly when I was a teenager, except when she had paranoid delusions about the government. I would have liked to call her in later years when she was more mellow, but she refused to wear a hearing aid.

My father was the opposite -- he was too laid back for his own good. The nurses used to call him their favorite patient -- in part, because he didn't make a lot of demands on them. Some of the nurses would complain about all the work they had to do, so a lot of times he wouldn't call them for assistance, because he didn't want to bother them. He was too nice and generous to a fault. I wish he had made more demands of me, too, so I wouldn't have had to anticipate his needs so much. I always felt responsible for his health and happiness. Sometimes he wouldn't tell me about a pain until after it had passed, because he didn't want to worry me or go to the hospital. His stoicism gave me a false sense of security. It must sound odd to complain about a loved one who didn't complain much, but either extreme is not good. Then while on the ventilator he wrote messages asking both me and my half brother to help him, it broke my heart, because I knew he would have never asked if he hadn't been in great distress. He also told me, "You see how I need you?" I told him, "I need you, too. That's what love is all about." On one visit I said, "Here I am, always by your side." And he looked at me with such love and gratitude. I wish I had stayed by his side day and night, instead of relying on the ICU to watch over him, but I had to sleep, because I didn't know how long he was going to be in the hospital. There was no one else to stay with him overnight. I hope someday there will be a way to monitor loved ones in the hospital remotely at all times -- that should keep the staff on their toes. I wish I had had an iPhone so I could look up things on the Internet while I was in the hospital.

[kayc]

Some hospitals have computer stations for the patients/visitors to use. I think I could be without a telephone over a computer. When my internet is down, I feel truly disconnected from the worlds!

Your mother was paranoid too? My mom, on a scale of 1-10 was definitely a 10! My dad was also mellow, very nice, but it also had its drawbacks. I could give examples but they're too horrific to post here.

He literally had no back bone, my mom controlled everyone/everything. Funny how opposites attract, but if they're too opposite, sometimes they're unhealthy together. That was the case with my parents, although they loved each other.

I'm glad you have those good memories with your dad. My dad died so long ago, our relationship seems very distant.

[Gigi-T]

I'm so sorry things happened to your dad that are too horrible to describe here. My dad was better at speaking up with males, but he had a soft spot for the ladies. One time a male tech was pressing too hard on my dad's chest during an ultrasound -- so hard it hurt. The tech kept saying he'll be done in five minutes. After twenty minutes, my dad got so upset he removed the gadget from his hand and threw it on the bed, saying, "That's enough, get out!" My dad had a very slow fuse, but once his threshold was reached his fighting instinct came out. He used to box in the Golden Gloves when he was in the army during the Korean War. He was quite gallant in defending women. One time at work a woman was being attacked by a male coworker -- my dad took the guy down to the pavement and held him there until the police arrived. My dad would fearlessly lead the police on bomb searches when the building where he worked received bomb threats. Another time he ran after and tackled a guy who hit my dad's niece. He also fought with his brother-in-law when he was being mean to his nephew. My dad was quick to defend the innocent, but he preferred to avoid conflict.

I can only imagine how much he endured with my mother, but there's one incident I remember when I was five years old. My parents were separated but my dad would take me for visits to my mother at her apartment downtown. One day my mother shamelessly walked down the hallway in her neglicee in sight of the janitor. When my father saw this, he dragged her back into the apartment. During their argument my father pushed her and she fell to the floor. I saw the janitor walk past the open door and so I got worried. I tugged at my father's coat and said, "Let's go home, daddy." On our way home, my dad told me, "I'm glad you stopped me. I might have done something worse to your mother." I felt good that I had saved him from a bad situation. The next day my father and I were listening to a record of "Scheherazade" by Rimsky-Korsakov when the police came knocking at the door and took my daddy away. I thought he was never coming back. That's when I started to resent my mother. There were no more visitations after that. For a long time I couldn't listen to "Scheherazade" after that traumatic incident. Things like this make me pity my father so much. He was such a good man -- he didn't deserve any of the suffering my mother put him through. I'm crying again. I wanted to make up for all the pain he had to endure on account of her, but even I did things that hurt his feelings. I always apologized -- he knew I loved him with all my heart, but the guilt lives on. My inner child always dreaded losing my father or seeing him suffer -- now my worst fears have been realized.

Why does life have to be so damned sorrowful? I hope to God reincarnation does not exist. I don't want to come back here. My poor father and I couldn't even enjoy corned beef and cabbage anymore on St. Patrick's Day on account of his CHF -- too much salt. I know that sounds ridiculous in the grand scale of things, but it's the little pleasures that make life worth living. Now I have no one to spend St. Patrick's Day with. I still haven't worked up the nerve to go to a bar alone. My father would not have approved. We'd seen too many movies in which somebody gets slipped a Mickey Finn.

Just to show what a decent man my father was -- he continued to give my mother money every month, even though the divorce court didn't require him to pay alimony. My mother had nearly bankrupted him with her compulsive spending, but he continued the payments until my half brother was old enough to work. Every night I pray that God will not look on his faults but on all the good he did for others. He was truly a virtuous man.

“A truly virtuous man would come to the aid of the most distant stranger as quickly as to his own friend. If men were perfectly virtuous, they wouldn’t have friends.”― Montesquieu

[kayc]

No, things didn't happen to my dad, things happened to me, things he let happen because he didn't stand up for me.

It's good to have balance, to be soft with people but also stand up when you need to...my husband George was like that. He never would have allowed anyone to hurt me.

I'm sure God saw all of the good in your father and will remember him kindly.

[Gigi-T]

Thank you, KayC. I'm so glad your husband stood up for you. I have guilt feelings, because sometimes I would get upset with my dad, because he didn't like being confrontational with people, when he was just trying to keep the peace. He would speak up if somebody had hurt me personally, but when it came to business deals he was too easy going. When he got older, I had no choice but to fight my own battles, especially with contractors. i had to do all the negotiating and the firing, then I would complain to my dad about what was happening. Now I feel awful about that, but as the trustee he had to know what was going on. I'm so glad I fired the last contractor so we had some peace during the last month of my dad's life. Now I wish I hadn't even tried to do any home improvements, but they were long overdue. I made sure not to do any projects that would upset his immediate living environment so as not to stress him out. I'm so sorry that he didn't live to see all the work completed. Now I can't afford to finish the work without his income. I have to live off my savings, until I can find a job of some sort. If I can't earn enough to pay the property taxes, I may have to sell my home at some point and move somewhere cheaper. Luckily, property values are very high here, but the idea of having to move is terrifying after living here virtually all of my life. My dad lived in this house since 1935. We were both sentimental about the old place.

Après moi, le déluge

[kayc]

Have you considered a roommate? A friend of mine took in foster children, she got $1500.00/month and it wasn't taxable. I'm not sure what your line of work is, but I hope you figure something out so you can keep your house.

[Gigi-T]

I have considered a roommate, but I'm afraid of getting sued. My neighbors recently got sued by some tenants and ended up having to pay $3,000 to the plaintiffs and $25,000 to their lawyer! One neighbor had problems with five tenants in a row -- she finally decided to sell her house and move to Taiwan. Another neighbor got sued by a homeless family she took pity on. She charged them very low rent, then they sued her for not fixing something. She ended up paying them $5,000.

My line of work has always been caregiving -- I've never worked outside the home. I dropped out of university in my third year to care for my grandmother, then my great aunt, then my great uncle and finally my father. If I can get a minimum wage job, I should be able to pay the property taxes, but naturally there are no guarantees I will find a job at my age with millions of younger people looking for entry level jobs, too. I have sold collectibles on eBay in the past, but I wasn't able to generate a living wage with that. Now that I'm alone, it probably would be healthier for me to go out to work. A job that I don't have to bring home with me is starting to seem attractive.

[kayc]

If you have high speed internet, you might consider working from home for Enterprise, renting cars. A friend of mine did it, she had good benefits, and she's in her late 50s. I can only get slow speed internet where I live or I'd try it.

[Gigi-T]

Thank you very much for the suggestion. I'll look into it.

[enna]

Sometimes Gigi, all we have to give is a hug. Consider yourself hugged. Those who know me know what hugs mean to me.

Anne

[Gigi-T]

I needed that. A big, warm hug to you, Anne.