Losing Mum Is My Worst Nightmare

[jame57]

It's coming up to 8 months since my dear mum passed away and it's been my worst nightmare come true.

I've not posted here before but have read many posts on the subject of parent loss and can only echo the pain felt by many.

I was always close to mum as after my marriage failed I returned to the family home to put my life back together. Her health took a turn for the worse and decided that as well as working full-time I would be around to care for her.

Eventually she got worse and it was only my living there that prevented her going into a home. She hated the idea of that as she was as bright and mentally fit as anybody but trapped in a failing body. I'd always promised her that there was no way on this earth that she would be put into a home against her will so we arranged for carers to come in 4 times a day to look after her personal care. It involved changing the house around but it was worth it.

She loved her carers and regarded them as a kind of extended family.

She was such a kind and loving person and was there for me many years ago when I had depression.

Her death hit me like a freight train and 8 months later miss her so much. I realise grief takes a long time but nothing could prepare me to the depths it has taken me to and although things are a bit better some days I am certainly not the happy person I was before. My friends worry about me as I just cannot smile or joke around as I once did.

I even feel guilty (I know it's daft) when I have slightly better days. I am going through counselling at the moment which has been a great help and I'm assured I'm not losing my mind, although it sure feels like it sometimes!

I'm told I have survivors guilt and that I am possibly grieving for my father too who passed away 14 years ago. I know I wasn't like this then although it was a bad time.

Sorry if this has rambled a bit but having finally plucked up the courage to post it It's all come pouring out.

[enna]

Dear Jame57,

Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of both your mum and your dad. I am glad to hear that even though you are not posting here that you are reading other posts. This is a place where we can receive the validation that we so deserve. What a wonderful gift of love you gave your mum by keeping her in her home so she would not have to go into a home for her care ~ such a truly unselfish act of love.

The loss of your mum will always remain a painful reality to you, but later as you continue to do your “grief work” you will be able to focus more on the wonderful memories you have and not feel the guilt you express as a survivor. You will learn to give yourself permission to be happy for that is what your mum would like.

We experience each loss in a unique way and there is nothing wrong with that. It is the way we each process grief. It is normal for us to grieve each loss in different ways for each one of our loved ones deserve to be recognized as a special person.

I hope you continue to come here and read and post. Those of us who are here know how important it is to be heard and we never tire of listening.

Anne

[kayc]

James,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. As you've read many posts already,you may realize that everyone's loss is different, and we all handle it differently. When my husband died, I also felt guilty if I smiled or laughed, I learned I needed to give myself permission to smile again.

I am so glad you were there for her, just as she was for you. You are a wonderful son, I can only hope my kids will care half as much as you have when my time comes, although I would not want them to feel bad when I go...I guess it's not realistic to expect that though. Grief is a normal response to a tremendous loss.

It's good that you're getting help with it, it's a difficult enough journey with help, I can't imagine trying to transverse this on my own.

I hope you will feel welcome to continue coming here and posting your feelings and what you're going through. We're here for you. As Anne said, it's important to be heard and know your feelings and experiences are valid.

[jame57]

Thanks for your kind replies. I sometimes wonder how I've got through the last 8 months except that it's been one day at a time. There were times whilst caring for mum that I was impatient and snappy with but I'd apologise and tell her it wasn't her I was angry with but often the sheer unfairness that such a lovely lady had

been unable to be as active as she once was. I feel so bad that I was snappy with her at times and just want her to know I love her and always will. She was there for me when times were rough and pray she knew how much I love her. I know I did nice things for her and kept in touch when I was away for work but all I think about are the bad times. The day before she died I visited her in hospital in the afternoon and was told she didn't have long....this shook me to the core and I stayed with her even though she was drifting in and out. When I left I got home and immediately drove back for the evening visiting period. When I got there she was awake but drowsy and I spent the evening holding her hand and quietly talking to her. She was drowsy and repeating herself but I patiently sat there until visiting hours were over. I kissed her on the forehead and told her I loved her but she was so drowsy I wondered if she heard me but she did mumble something. A friend who's a nurse tells me the hearing is one of the last things to go so that gives me hope she heard me. I got a phone call at 5.30 the next morning and I knew what that was.....the worst news I've ever had. My lovely mum had passed away and my world was forever changed for the worse. How I wish I'd defied the doctors and insisted on staying with her but I'm assured she passed peacefully in her sleep.

[kayc]

When my mom was on her deathbed, she was unable to respond/talk, but I talked to her and when I cried, she furrowed her forehead, and I knew it bothered her so I pulled myself together. I told her she was going to go be with Jesus and her long wait was over, that daddy was waiting for her and she wouldn't hurt any more. Her face relaxed and looked at peace, and I knew she heard me. She went further into her coma after that and died 1 1/2 days later.

I am quite certain you mom knew you loved and appreciated her. It's my personal belief they can hear us even now.

[jame57]

Thank you Kay.

I too like to believe our loved ones can hear us and are watching over us.

It's the only thing that holds me together. That and the fact we will be reunited.

[kayc]

[jame57]

Hi,

One thing that worries me in my grief journey is that I'm having trouble remembering the days before mum became ill. My main memory is of her last few days and I so want to remember happier times but it's hard. I'm told it's because I'm trying too hard, that the memories will come back in time and it's normal to be like this. I really hope so! Is this normal? I so want to remember her being happy and enjoying life with her family. I miss you so much mum xxx.

[kayc]

I've heard others say this as well, although I haven't personally experienced the memory lapse. I would go with what you're told and assume the memories will come back as there's nothing physically stopping them. It could be just the grief trauma interfering for now, I know it affected my focus for quite some time.

[MartyT]

At this point in your grief, being preoccupied with memories of your mum's last few days is not at all unusual, as it is yet another way your mind is struggling with what your heart does not want to accept: the harsh reality that your mother has died. By recalling those most recent memories, your mind is confronting over and over again the fact that she has died, making it ever more real for you. I promise you that eventually the positive memories will return, and one day they will out-weigh the bad ones. Remember that grief is a process, not a single event, and coming to terms with a significant loss like this takes place over an extended period of time ~ a lifetime, actually ~ as you learn to carry your grief and find a place for your dear mother in your heart and in your fondest memories.

I invite you to read this article too, as I think you may find it helpful: Guilt In The Wake of A Parent's Death

[cattman]

My great condolences to you. Sadly,I can also understand & relate as I lost my mother about 2 years ago on february 22 2013 from lung cancer.She was only 71!. She's greatly loved & missed every day.

To make matters worse,my stepfather seems to not want to see me & I'm estranged from my father too.My twin brother is also struggling with multiple myeloma - a blood cancer,type 2 diabetes & neuropathy in both his hands & feet.Also a longtime friend has moved away as well....I need some POSITIVE things to happen in my life for a change.

We all have our challenges in life,but it's always best to try to support each other.

[kayc]

cattman,

I am so sorry for all you are going through. It's enough to lose a parent without dealing with estrangement and another close family member having a serious condition. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I just lost my best friend to a move too, I know how hard that is.

[jame57]

Thank you for you very kind replies. Thank you MartyT for the link to that article on guilt. I have just bought a copy of the book by Alan Wolfelt it mentions and I look forward to reading it. The last few days have been especially difficult and have cried an awful lot. I was very close to mum and lived with her most of my life (51 years) so I suppose it's still ok to feel so raw after 8 1/2 months? Miss her so much and the mornings are still bad with anxiety etc. I don't have an appointment with my counsellor for over a week and would welcome some reassurance that I'm not going crazy. Thanks for reading this.

[MartyT]

My dear, I can assure you that, although it can make you feel quite "crazy" at times, grief is NOT a mental illness and you are NOT "going crazy." Grief is a normal and natural response to the death of a loved one, and the depth of our grief is a measure of the love we feel for the one who is lost. We do not grieve for those we do not love . . . ♥

[kayc]

You are NOT going crazy, it is the grief and it's normal for what you're going through. I'm sorry you are having to wait to see a counselor, hang in there. 51 years with someone is a very long time, it's understandable what you are feeling.

[jame57]

Thank you once again. It's been a real roller-coaster and I must get it into my head that after 51 years of her being here it's going to take a long time before I'm anywhere near the person I used to be....I've changed and I must accept where I am in my journey. My counsellor says I'm doing well and not to beat myself up and expect too much...mum and dad helped me through some very rough times and I'm eternally grateful for having such wonderful parents.....I will always miss them of course but hope that in time, the pain will ease. People keep telling me "she wouldn't want you to grieve like this" but I just ignore them.

[kayc]

It's okay to grieve, it's natural. What they'd want and what we can do are two different things. My husband wouldn't want me to cry but that doesn't mean I could be stoic when he died! He'd cry too!

We're never quite the same after severe loss, but we do find a new normal. As long as we reach the point eventually where we find purpose in life again and learn to find comfort in their remembrance, we'll be okay...it takes as long as it takes. One day at a time!

[jame57]

Thanks Kayc.

[Gigi-T]

I just want to say, jame57, that everything you're feeling about your parents, I'm feeling, too, about my parents, especially my dear father who passed away just after Christmas. He raised me as a single dad after his divorce (with the help of my grandmother). I lived with him all of my life (55 years) -- he was a wonderful father and my best friend. I was his caregiver, so I am suffering a lot from survivor guilt, even though he was 86 and had a lot of health problems. With my help he had overcome diabetes and peripheral arterial disease, but he lost his battle with congestive heart failure and kidney disease. I feel like I failed him, because there are some things I would have done differently in retrospect. His death caught me totally off guard, because I thought he would bounce back like he had several times before. Having to place him in Comfort Care was especially traumatic for me, even though there wasn't much choice and it was his decision. It's especially hard because after watching his older brother die in hospice, he had told me, "Please don't ever put me in that death house." He died in the hospital which was a better environment than that hospice where his brother died or even at home, but he had thought (hoped) he would die suddenly in his sleep at home. Instead he suffered for three days on a ventilator under sedation. Thank God he was weaned off of it and it looked like once again he would come through, but this time the odds were against him. To see him in respiratory distress broke my heart. Also, I regret that he knew he was dying -- I wish so much that he could have had some hope, even false hope at the end, to make him feel more at peace, but we had to know if he wanted the heart operation or Comfort Care. He chose the latter because he didn't want to go back on the ventilator and the odds of his surviving the operation were virtually nil. I'm glad that the morphine and removing the nasal gastric tube made him more comfortable. I treasure those last moments when he was his calm, adorable self again -- if I didn't have that last chance to interact with him while he was comfortable I would probably be feeling much worse. But he quickly fell unconscious and then began my sad, lonely vigil at his bedside for 36 hours. I'm grateful that my half brother and my niece came to visit during his last three days, but I was alone with my father when he passed, except for one of the nurses. I had just nodded off to sleep in the chair when he left this world. I don't feel guilty about that -- I think he waited until I was asleep.

My mother passed away in October in a nursing home after a second stroke at age 89. She had bipolar disorder and toward the end Alzheimer's disease. We were not as close as I wished we could have been. I blame her mental illness, which caused her to do some selfish and spiteful things, but I still loved and admired her. I mourn what might have been. Because I never married or had children, I am now suffering from deep loneliness along with the most intense grief I have ever experienced. I was once a happy person, but right now even the happy memories with my father make me sad and anxious. I can still laugh and smile, because I'm just glad when I'm able to talk to people, but inside my heart is broken. I was seeing a couple of therapists with limited progress. They both seemed to be just chasing after money. On Tuesday I'm going to try a psychologist with a PhD. He sounded more compassionate and intelligent on the phone than the other therapists. He also costs more than the others, but I'd pay anything to feel better at this point. I realize that no one can wave a magic wand and take away my pain, but maybe he can help me cope better. At age 82, he has had a lot of experience in his profession, so I am hoping for the best.

I wish you the comfort and healing that I also wish for myself. I hope we both can come to terms with our new normal and find purpose in our lives.

[jame57]

Hi Gigi-T,

Thank you for your reply. So sorry you're going through such pain too. When I'm calm I can see that our grief is a sign of love but when I'm down in depths of despair it all seems so scary. I do hope the new therapist can help you. It's my birthday in a coupke of days but I just don't want to know as it's the first one that will be spent without mum. I've got the day off so will spend some time at her grave.....at least that way I can include her in my day by being with her. It'll be a sad day though but nothing compared to this coming Sunday....it's Mother's Day over here in the UK and there's a special service at my church. I shall sit at the back as I'm bound to cry.

[kayc]

Well, we hope your birthday goes well anyway. I know it's hard.

I didn't know your mother's day and ours was celebrated at different times...will be thinking of you.

[Gigi-T]

I'm wishing you the best on your birthday, too. God bless your mother and you. If you would like to read about how my first session with the psychologist went today, please view my original thread.

[jame57]

Yesterday was certainly sad. My first birthday without mum but I went to the cemetary and put some nice flowers on mum & dad's grave. I always talk to them, I just miss them both but losing mum is still so raw.

I called in to the church afterwards and prayed for them. I was crying so much and a friend from church walked in and sat with me. We talked and she prayed for me. It was so nice of her to do that. The loneliness of this journey is so hard at times and whilst I can be among people at work it is still lonely and to talk with somebody who understands how I feel and that it takes time was so comforting.

[kayc]

Just surviving our first birthday without them is a feat in itself...my first birthday without my husband I cried myself to sleep. I might have felt that way on my first birthday without my mom but it didn't feel like the first because dementia had already changed everything long before.

I'm glad a friend sat with you and prayed with you. That is a friend! The loneliness you are feeling can also be a part of this grief journey, although I think it gets better, that doesn't help the here and now except it gives us hope.

[jame57]

Yes it was quite by chance she'd called into the church to collect something and saw me. Maybe it was just meant to happen....all I know is her presence helped a lot. Back to work today and colleagues kept asking "did you have a great birthday"? I simply said "yes thanks, it was ok"....It was easier than telling them the truth.