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Losing Mum Is My Worst Nightmare


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I can certainly relate to the loneliness of the journey. Today my half brother came over and I asked him to sit in the garden with me and let me talk about my troubles. He doesn't have a lot of time for me, but he listened and gave me what advice he could. I wept openly several times during our conversation. He's a born again Christian so he recommended a Stephen Minister. He used to be one himself many years ago before he ran out of spare time (he's also an RN and a semi-professional dancer). Stephen Ministries are available through the churches that offer them in the US and Canada and 24 other countries:

www.stephenministries.org

He said I need a therapist or counselor who is faith-based. He said I should pray directly to Jesus Christ and ask the Holy Spirit to help me. Praying this way has helped him through his past problems. He has never suffered from intense grief as I have, because his relationship with our mother was strained and his biological father abandoned him. His father was a multi-millionaire and a pillar of society but he never acknowledged his son -- so my half brother has suffered quite a bit from rejection and loneliness, but he got through it with the help of his church. I usually pray to God the Father, so I will try praying directly to Jesus the Great Physician.

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Yes, I've heard of the Stephen Ministries. I'm glad you were able to talk with your brother. Those who have not been through it themselves may be more limited in their ability to fully understand but we can accept the caring that they have.

Have you begun a search for a counselor? If not, I pray you find the one that is just right for you.

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Thank you, KayC. My search for a grief counselor continues. I'm still waiting for my cousin's girlfriend to send me the contact info for her psychiatrist.

Whenever I complain about my guilt feelings about my dad, my brother tells me that's the devil talking -- not a very comforting thought! Then he said that my father would be upset to see me feeling the way I do -- that just adds to my guilt! I know my brother means well, and I give him credit for visiting me, but all I want is some gentle kindness and reassurance. There should be a "horse whisperer" for people.

Instead of telling me how to pray, I wish my brother had prayed with me yesterday. It helped jame57 when his friend prayed for him. I know I should have asked him, but I was too busy crying.

"For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." -- Matthew 18:20

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Some people aren't good at knowing how to deal with people, they're too busy being black and white and instructing us on how we should be. They mean well. I have a sister like that. :) Yes, we could use a people-whisperer!

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Mother's Day was a tough day but I took some lovely flowers to the cemetary for her. It's still hard to think she's not coming back and I cry every day, a few times a day. I saw my counsellor on Monday and she assures me that given I was so close to mum and lived with her the vast majority of my 52 years then the 9 months since she passed away is no time at all. This makes sense and I know it'll be a long haul. Just wish she was still here!

This is so hard and I just miss her so much.

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I am glad you had a long close time with her but the flip side of that is going to be missing her...that's how it was for me when I lost my husband. Not everyone who loses a husband misses them in the same way I do, but that's because we were so close and spent all our time that we weren't working together. It has to do with the quality of relationship as to how you're affected after you lose them.

I'm sorry Mother's Day was so tough for you. It's going to be weird for me...May 10 will be my first Mother's Day without my mom.

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Thanks Kayc. Today was a rather emotional day and your kind words made me feel normal again. I spoke to my brother on the phone tonight and told him how I was but he replied "it's almost 9 months". I asked him did he really think I would be over it in 9 months? I wasn't nasty but told him again that it's going to take a long time to get used to. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother and as I said to him, we all deal with it in our unique way but it did shock me a bit....I was always more emotional. Thanks once again Kayc.

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Your brother reminds me of my half brother when he said, "Didn't you realize Dad was going to die some day?" Even the psychologist said to me, "All parents die, so it's just something we have to accept." I knew that, but what I would like to know is how do I arrive at acceptance?

I think if there were other people mourning and crying together with me, it might bring me more comfort than just talking about my grief to a dry-eyed audience. I remember when the former Korean dictator died, the people gathered in the streets and cried together. I wish I could share my grief with someone on a purely emotional level. Other mourners may not have known my father, but they would know my grief. People sing together, dance together, eat together, sleep together, exercise together, laugh together, so why can't people cry together? Some people cry at funerals, but not always, and usually mostly for people who die young or through tragic circumstances. I see there are crying therapy sessions in Japan -- they're popular with stress-laden business executives. I'd go to something like that. The Jews have their wailing wall.

My thoughts and prayers are with you both, James57 and KayC. I agree that it's the quality of the relationship which determines how we grieve. I was with my father for 55 years, and we were very close, so I realize it's going to take a long time to feel better. It's been less than 3 months. The hardest part is knowing that no one can replace him. No one else will ever think, act or talk exactly as he did. I still have our shared memories, but no one else will appreciate the things we experienced together in quite the same way.

I am headed to the cemetery to bring flowers and view the inscription and photo that are now completed on my father's grave. I saw a Ted Talk in which the speaker recommended ritual to work through grief.

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3 months is certainly no time at all Gigi-T. You're right, no one else can replace our loved ones and working through this will be the hardest work we've ever done. Thanks to this forum we're doing this together though.

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Gigi-T, you mentioned in your post that you "saw a Ted Talk in which the speaker recommended ritual to work through grief." As it happens, ritual is a powerful tool that anyone can use ~ all it takes is imagination and planning. As educator and grief counselor Alan Wolfelt states in an article that came in my email this morning, Why Rituals Help Us Mourn ~ And Heal:

"I hope you were privileged to experience personalized, meaningful funeral ceremonies for the people in your life who have died. But whether you did or did not, here is the wonderful news: You can still marshal the healing power of ritual as you continue to mourn and heal."

Our friend Elaine Mansfield often posts on her blog about the lovely rituals she has created to help herself heal. See, for example:

Creating A Grief Ritual: Love, Loss and Continuing Bonds

How My Dog Taught Me The Power of Ritual

Twelve Rituals That Marked My Way: 2014

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You are normal! Your brother didn't hve exactly the same relationship you did, they're all unique! Even if he had, we don't all handle things the same way. You are not out of line with your grieving.

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Thank you for the links, MartyT. It was Elaine Mansfield's Ted Talk that I had watched. It was very well done.

My father's funeral ceremony was meaningful. I selected a coffin made of sycamore which is a symbol of strength, protection, eternity, and divinity. A spray of red roses covered the casket, because my dad's mother's name was Rosaura, which means "dawn of the rose". He had a rose tattoo on his arm in tribute to his mother. I was especially happy that my father, as a veteran, received military funeral honors, which included the playing of "Taps" (with a real bugle player rather than a recording), the folding and presentation of the flag, and the final salute by all the veterans present. The priest who presided over the services is the chief exorcist for our city and was a personal friend of St. Padre Pio.

My mother's services were a little disappointing though, because the deacon used too much humor in his eulogy. I felt like I was at a roast. I know the trend is to "celebrate" the deceased person's life, but too much levity doesn't seem respectful, in my opinion. I wanted a rosary recited, but the deacon said we'll only do one decade, because any more than that people start falling asleep. At the graveside service, the priest gave a five minute blessing and then took off, because he had more important things to do. This is why I selected a different priest for my father's service, one who is a living legend around here.

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Well, as if things couldn't get any worse. Took one of my lovely cats to the vet and after being tested, was diagnosed with kidney disease. It's in the early stages and with treatment she should have approx18 months.

I'm really struggling today. She's 17 and as well as being the most good-natured and beautiful companion, is a link to mum (who she used to sit with all day) and dad who passed away 14 years ago. I know we all have a time but why does it all come at once! Everyone I love is leaving me it seems. Sorry to post this message but so unbelievably low today.

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Gigi,

I feel as you do...a little humor to lighten the intensity of the emotion is one thing but I would never go for a "roast" of what is supposed to be a memorial of a person's life. I'm sorry that is how it was handled.

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James,

I am sorry for the loss of your cat and all that is putting you through. (((hugs)))

I went through the same thing...two months after my husband passed, our cat, Tigger, decided to take one long last look at me and leave home for good. I felt rejected. I got another cat, Chappy, a couple of months later and grew very close to him. He used to sleep on my chest with his arms around my neck, his head nestled under my chin. Less than two years later he was eaten by a cougar in our back yard. I remember crying out to God, feeling just as you do, "Why can't you let me have anyone that I love! I lost my husband, wasn't that enough?! You couldn't even let me have a little cat?!" I didn't understand why this had to happen. I still don't understand it but I've had to accept it, a person can't really fight against what they have no control over. During Chappy's lifetime, Miss Mocha adopted me (another cat), and I still have her, and I got Kitty, and still have her. I lost my dog, Lucky, and a few months later, adopted Arlie. The three are my "family" now.

I understand how you're feeling...when we lose the pets we shared with someone else and they're gone, it's almost like we lost a bit of that person all over again, because we're losing something we shared with them. This can be part of a process we're going through, although invisible to us at the time, of establishing a new normal for ourselves. Nothing is ever quite the same again after we've lost someone close to us, so it's up to us to create a new life for ourselves. It happens very gradual over time, so slowly as to be imperceptible, but with time and effort, it happens. We establish new friendships, adjustments, rituals. Gone are the ways we used to spend our holidays, weekends, etc. The time we used to spend with that person is no more, so we learn to spend that time in another way. In the early days/months, much of that time may be spent grieving, in tears, perhaps seeing a counselor or grief support group. But as time goes by, little by little, we begin to incorporate things into our lives that we can look forward to. Life is not the same, but we can still find good in it...a concept that is very hard to see in the beginning.

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Thanks Kayc, The news has set me back and I feel like I did earlier on in my grief journey. I feel my anxiety has gone up and I'm really on edge. I'll try to be kind to myself and accept this is where I am in the journey and that I will in time find joy again. Thanks for the hugs too.

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I'm sorry about your beloved cat's diagnosis. She is so lucky to have you. I think pets have shorter lifespans than we do to ensure they aren't left alone after we're gone. May God grant you strength and resignation during this difficult time.

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Today marked exactly 9 months since mum passed away. I'd always dreaded something happening to her as a child and later on, seeing old age and illness gradually take it's hold I again dreaded her inevitable passing. Nothing could prepare me however for the indescribable pain and sheer sense of loss once it happened and I can't believe 9 months have passed since that phone call early in the morning. I had to work today so couldn't mark it in any way except to put a note on this wonderful forum. Not to encourage comforting replies but to say thanks. I'd been reading posts long before I joined. I miss mum so much and will always love her dearly. One day we will be reunited.

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It was seven months for me this week. Good to hear from you. It slowly sinks in but I don't think it's fully there yet...I still want to call her, even though I wasn't able to call her the last two years of her life (Dementia). Things hit and I want to talk to her. It's hard to get used to.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Most days are rough in this 9 month journey but today I feel like I did almost back at the beginning. An awful sense of being scared and panicky, just wishing for the day to be over and the relative calm of evening to come.

At the same time wondering if I will be calmer in the evening.....despite nearly always feeling more relaxed other evenings. It's like I'm back at an earlier stage of grief when anxiety ruled my days. It's a public holiday here in the UK so maybe 4 days off by myself with little enthusiasm to do much has set me back. Does this sound normal?

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Yes, I'd say it's normal. Holidays are always tough, even holidays that hadn't meant anything to us, because it's a time when we're off and families get together...making her absence all the more keen. Anxiety sometimes just comes with it. Continue to stay in close touch with your doctor as you experience physical manifestations of your inner grief.

I'm sorry! I hope the holidays are over now?

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Of course what you're feeling is normal, and not at all unusual. This is why so many bereaved describe grief as a roller-coaster ride, full of unpredictable ups and downs, dangerous curves, unexpected dips and so on. Others say it's like climbing a sand dune: two steps forward, three steps back. It's exhausting and it feels hopeless, as if you're not getting anywhere, much less moving forward.

As described in my article, Tips for Coping With Anniversary Reactions in Grief under Setbacks, Aftershocks and the Recurrence of Grief,

Aftershocks or "grief bursts" happen when some of the "down" feelings you've already experienced in grief come at you again several months after the death, or even after a year or more. Sometimes something acts as a trigger and catches you by surprise: a song, a place, a movie or a season, and it's as if you're confronted with the death for the first time, all over again. Painful emotions crash in on you, and it feels as if you're starting the entire grief process anew.

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Thank you Kayc & MartyT and God bless you both for your wise words. There's no doubt yesterday was truly awful and I did have a calmer evening, much of it spent in meditation. Back at work today and a stressy day but I found myself thinking 'this is work and today's stresses are today's....I have more important things on my mind'.

Thanks for the link Marty, loads of useful info to keep. Yesterday was full of anxiety and today was too (but less so later on)...tomorrow is another day. Many thanks once again ((((hugs)))).

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