Feeling So Alone In All This....

[katdoo]

So you can have the background, my mom went into Hospice in February. I took FMLA to be with her until she died February 17, 2015. I'm told I will look back and be happy with that choice. My siblings couldn't do it. She died in peace, with dignity and so pragmatic about her dying. I know she wouldn't want me to be grieving as much as I am. This was a woman whom I never saw cry.

I wept at the in-hospice. I wept (I live out of state) the drive home (5 hours!). I wept the drive back to be with her at the end. I wept for my dad who lost his beloved wife of 58 years. I wept at the funeral. I wept the drive back to NY.

My siblings all are married and with children. At the funeral they all were able to turn to each other for hugs and embrace for their suffering and I felt so alone. I resent that they have that support.

I have dear friends who call and check and tomorrow I go back to work. Good support at my job but I feel so anxious about returning to work?

I want to know that I am not falling into an abyss? I wake up every morning and for a brief second I am happy then I remember my mother is gone, my dad is all alone and my heart just drops. I feel weak and have no appetite.

Can anyone relate to this? Because I really do feel I'm the only one feeling this way. My siblings whom I am very close with are going on with their lives - my sister just spent the weekend snowmobiling with her husband and two boys. My brother is on a weeks vacation with his wife.

Why is this affecting me so intensely and not them?

[kayc]

You ask why...because grief is very individual, and so is our way of dealing with it. It's okay that your mom wouldn't cry and equally okay that you would. Perhaps you're anxious about work because your mind is on all that has just taken place and you don't feel ready to give work 100% yet? That's okay too, I'm sure they understand. Maybe you can have someone check your work for a while to make sure you don't leave mistakes. It was very hard for me to concentrate on my work when my husband died...the focus will return. Also remember you can have grief bursts at any time and if those at work are prepared for that, it helps. I was fortunate where I was working when George died that a coworker who had experienced grief, prepared everyone for what to expect when I returned and how best to respond to me. I will always be grateful for that kindness!

I lost my mom last August...it's a loss not only of your mom, but the person who cared about you most in the world and didn't have to have a reason! It's also the person you've had all your life. Even when they've lived a long life and have been ill for quite some time...still, the ending can come as so "final". I hope you can be there for your dad, maybe a night a week you can play a game, watch t.v., have dinner, or just talk. It'd give him something to look forward to. I did this for my FIL the last year of his life when he went to a retirement center. I probably got as much out of it as he did! I'm glad you have friends checking on you, it shows they care.

I know it seems weird when the rest of the world goes on with their lives, but for you, life has changed. That's how I felt when my husband died. It's okay that their world goes on, just as it's normal that you feel yours has changed.

[katdoo]

Thank you Kayc for your kind words.

I struggle because my dad is out of state. Right now he just asks that all of us "kids" just call every day and check on him. He's getting very forgetful of late - he is after all 90 years old, and always asks when am I going to come and visit again. UGH! Of the 4 of us, I was the one who always stayed at my parents' house when I visited. He had asked me to stay at the house while taking care of my mom but I needed a respite and would stay with my sister who lives 40 minutes away. I still have that guilt that I wasn't strong enough to stay overnight.

I do hope that there will be some co-workers that will not judge and be "okay" with the fact that I am struggling. I know those are the ones that I will latch onto. It's been nearly 4 weeks I've been out of work and always had a very strong work ethic - I just project way too much.

[MartyT]

Dear one, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your mom, and I hope you will take kayc's wise words to heart.

I truly believe that learning what is "normal" in grief can be so helpful, as it helps you to feel less crazy and alone. As you familiarize yourself with our site and read some of the other threads in this forum, you will find that what you are feeling is not at all unusual.

In addition, you'll find links to articles and resources to help you better understand and manage your own reactions. See, for example, 8 Tips for Coping With the Death of a Parent. I also invite you to read some of the articles listed on our Death of a Parent page.

At the very least, please know that the folks you'll encounter here will never judge you, as we understand completely the fact that you are struggling ~ and we are walking right beside you. ♥

[kayc]

I hope you will be as understanding and patient with yourself as you would be with someone else who was going through this. It takes however long as it takes. If your dad could have avoided some of the pain he would have done so also, I'm sure he doesn't hold it against you for not staying there. He understandably wants to see you kids, what parent doesn't, esp. grieving parents. Perhaps you could schedule a trip to visit him, even if it's a year from now, something he can look forward to, and encourage your siblings to do the same. Perhaps one could time their visit at Christmas, one on their anniversary or birthday, one on anniversary of death...just something that could help him through those times, something he could look forward to. It will probably be hard for you to take more time off work for a while, I'm sure he understands that.

You are a wonderful caring daughter. Maybe you kids could take turns calling him so each one doesn't have to call him every day. It's easy for an aging alone parent to talk and talk and let time get away from them, not realizing you just got home from work and still need to fix dinner, walk the dog, etc. At least it was hard for my mom to realize our situation when she spent the last 33 years of her life alone after my dad passed. I tried to never let a week go by without talking to her, and tried to visit her every week in the beginning, maybe every other week at times, but there were several of us kids to spread it out amongst and we were all in the same state...for you, the times will have to be farther apart between visits, but maybe just make the phone calls regularly. I'm sorry, I know this is so hard. (((hugs)))

[katdoo]

Again, thank you KayC - it is so hard - I welcome the hugs, I welcome the support. Will there be a time when I wake up in the a.m. and there isn't that 'pang' of realization that my mom is gone? That what had been the 'norm' for me has been completely permanently changed?

I am so glad to have found this website for the support. You are not family, and because of that - no pre-existing expectations and of course - knowing that I am not alone in this struggle.

[jame57]

So very sorry for the loss of your mum. I feel your pain in your post and can only empathise as I lost my mum last June and it's hard. Treat yourself kindly.

[kayc]

Yes, that time will come. I've lost my parents, grandparents, niece, nephew, and my husband. Losing my husband was by far the hardest for me as we were so close and he was such an integral part of my life. It's been almost ten years since he passed, and the loss is not the uppermost thing in my mind any more, but there isn't a day goes by but what I don't think of him and miss him. My life isn't about sorrow though, it's about gratefulness for what is instead of looking back at what isn't...it took quite a while to get there though. I can't tell you how long it will be before these consuming thoughts are no longer the first appearing as you wake up, everyone's grief journey is as unique as they are and so is their time table. It will happen though.

[Flaky]

I lost my mom the 18th of March and already everyone is back to Norma, excerpt me. I had cared for my mom the last 8 yrs. first in my home, then assisted living, and finally for about 6 weeks in a nursing home. She was admitted to the hospital on March 14 with pneumonia and things went downhill from there. My sister came up from several states away and was here for her passing. The Dr quickly turned my mom over to hospice since she had a DNR on file. My sister was for everything that would increase the quickness of mom's passing. However, I was the one having to make the call. I was constantly having to ok discontinue oxygen, IVs, antibiotics, etc. although I was told with the morphine Mom was unaware of discomfort, I saw her fighting for breath and life. In my mind I know we did what was expected, but in my heart I feel I helped kill my Mom. No one understands. Everyone has gone on as if nothing happened, but something big did happen. When I need to talk, my husband wants to take me out of the house or out to dinner. Hospice will send a grief counselor for a week session. However, it is hard to be quiet otherwise. Am I crazy? Is it stupid to feel guilty? Why do I feel so alone? I saw what you said and I guess I took off on my own problem instead of helping you. I am sorry for that. I am just desperate for someone to hear me!

[MartyT]

My dear, I doubt very much that an entire hospice staff would stand by passively while you "helped kill" your mom. I also know that the sort of guilt you're feeling, while neither rational nor deserved, is quite common and very real ~ so I certainly do not mean to make light of it or to discount it in any way. (See, for example, Guilt In The Wake of a Parent's Death, including the Related Articles listed at the base of the post.)

You say that in her last hours your mom was "fighting for breath and life" ~ but what you were seeing could have been a natural part of the dying process. Our friend and colleague Barbara Karnes, RN has produced a video (based on her popular and informative booklet of the same title) about the dying experience that you may find quite helpful, entitled Gone From My Sight . As an experienced hospice nurse and excellent teacher, Barbara describes in detail what happens to a person during a natural death. Since very few of us ever actually witness the natural death of a loved one, we have no idea what to expect, what is supposed to happen normally to the body that is dying, or what a normal death should look like. I encourage you to take the time to watch this video, as I think you will find it to be not only informative, but quite comforting as well. ♥

[maria53577]

hi, I am so sorry for your loss. I agree, grief is so very individual. I lost my mom June last yr. I too have 3 other siblings and each has mourned in their own way. I will sometimes question how they can continue to move forward like they do.. but some times people just feel things more than someone else.. I think in my situation, one of my siblings chooses to not grieve and keep moving on.. it's a coping mechanism.

I also understand that horrible feeling of shock and how did this happen? Or did this really happen? I can tell you it will get better, it will never go away but eventually you will start healing. I have a thought about my mom every single day. I keep her memory in my heart. I can hear her voice in my head

I hope you find peace and know that this is your grief and it will be individual to you alone. I think grief shows us who we really are.. hugs to you

[kayc]

Flaky,

I remember posting to you but it doesn't show so I'm afraid it's lost. I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you know deep down that you didn't kill your mother, you were the loving one that stood by her and cared for her.

Loss is so hard. We are often left with feelings of guilt even though undeserved, and the hole in our heart that they leave is very difficult to deal with. I hope you find some peace and can rest assured you did everything humanly possible for your mom.

[Gigi-T]

Dear Katdoo and Flaky: I can certainly relate to what both of you are going through. My heartfelt condolences to you both and to all the others here who mourn their loved ones.. When my father was put into Comfort Care on the day after Christmas, I also felt like I had let him die. It seemed like the morphine hastened his death, but the doctor said it was his pneumonia, CHF, kidney disease and massive silent heart attack which caused his demise. I was alarmed that his pulse was still strong until the end. His oxygen saturation was good the last times they had checked it though they stopped monitoring everything to maximize his comfort. I thought how could a dying man have such a strong pulse and good oxygen saturation? He could not communicate for the last day and a half of his life. His breathing was labored and I had seen him go through respiratory distress in the ICU with no one around ot help him. I know he wanted to live for my sake and his own. We were looking forward to the return of spring which is now in full bloom. It's sad that illness so often prevents us from fully enjoying the fruits of our labor. I still regret the fact that he knew he was dying. I wish I hadn't told him he needed an operation, and to have it he would have had to go back on the ventilator. He didn't want to do that and so he knew he was doomed. I think it would have been more merciful not to tell him anything, but I needed to know his wishes. It's good he didn't choose the operation, because he might have suffered more, if he survived at all, so I shouldn't have even told him about it. When he asked me if he was dying, he caught me off guard. I should have said, "no one knows these things." Later I told him where there is life there is hope. He seemed like his usual calm self once the morphine started to kick in. I am so grateful for those last moments of seeing him comfortable. Was he really at peace or was he being brave for my sake? I'll never know. People tell me he must have known he was dying. If he knew, then why did he ask me? My poor sweet father always depended on me to know the medical information and the best course to take. I had helped save his life more than once before. I feel so guilty that I wasn't there when the hospital gave him two pneumonia vaccines . Why give vaccines to a patient who already had pneumonia? He had the heart attack later that evening. If I had been there maybe I would have asked them to wait until he recovers from his current pneumonia. They talked him into it -- it seems like they're always wanting to give vaccines! I thought he would be discharged soon like he had on previous hospitalizations. After his heart attack the doctor told me that his heart's ejection fraction of 15 percent could barely sustain life, but later I read that some people do survive it going that low and recover. I thought watching him die was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but now I realize that living without him is the hardest thing ever. My father lived with me for 55 years. He was 86, and I'm grateful for the time we had together, but I wish we had had more time, because it seems like the years just flew by. Watching him die only lasted 36 hours, but living without him will last the rest of my life. My cousins and aunts try to be supportive with phone calls when they have a chance. I realize that no one is going to miss him as much as I will, because I lived with him so long. Being his caregiver made me love him even more, because he needed me as much as I needed him. But it was heartbreaking to see my once strong and healthy father gradually decline. I know he wasn't happy that he couldn't do the things he used to do around the house. He liked to be useful and he always helped me in some way. It was sad that he couldn't enjoy his favorite foods anymore, because of the sodium restrictions. But we still had music, movies, books and conversation to enjoy together. Now I hardly get to enjoy these things anymore, because they remind me of my loss. People call me, and I'm grateful, but it's not as fun talking to them as it was talking with my father. I wish these same relatives had shown as much concern when my father was alive. I'm sorry to be so gloomy. I only mention these things to show that you are not alone in your feelings of guilt, regret and longing. But as others have said, there is no guilt where there is no intention. We would never have willingly harmed our loved ones. Fortunately, human beings are resilient and within us still burns the spark of life passed to us by our dear parents. Life is for the living, and joy will return, so I've been told. I'm still waiting. Some days are better than others.

[jame57]

Hello everyone, The guilt I felt after my mum passed away last June is explained on my thread. I had some very dark days at that point in my journey and it sometimes resurfaces now. One day at work I had a melt-down as I could not cope with my guilt, this despite assurances from family that I had been good with mum. I was just focussing on the negative. Luckily I had a counselling appointment after work and arrived there in a real state! After 50 minutes I felt very different and spent the evening journaling about all the positive things I had done as mum's carer. Others on this forum helped later too when these feelings came back months later.

Gigi-T....I too am waiting for the hope of joy to return. Even when it does I'll always be missing mum with all my heart. Our loved ones want us to be happy and lead good lives but I'm just not there yet.....and to be honest I think it's going to take a lot, lot longer. I send you all my deepest sympathies as a fellow griever and yet a fellow member of a club I wish I never had cause to join. (((((hugs))))

[Gigi-T]

Many thanks, jame57. Hugs to you, too. I truly understand how you feel and I wish you the best as you go through the ordeal of grief. It's also going to take me a very long time to adjust to the loss of my father. The bond between us, a single parent and an only child, was especially strong. Even my godparents divorced, so my father was the only constant source of love and affirmation in my life. He never put me down but he didn't spoil me with too much praise either. He was a kind, decent, down to earth man who worried about my safety and who did the best he knew how to raise me. He had never finished high school, but he valued education enough to buy me lots of books as a child from the encyclopedia salesman. I was so proud of him. He was the coolest dad -- strong yet gentle, handsome, brave, humble, shy but friendly, good-humored, easy-going, and fun to be with. Looking back, I can't believe how lucky I was to have such a wonderful father. He wasn't perfect but who is? Sometimes I took him for granted, and I think sometimes he took me for granted, but that was only because we trusted each other completely. I loved him with all my heart. I wish I had complained less about the frustrations of life and just been happy that he was with me. He hardly complained about anything, and when he did, I felt so powerless to help him sometimes, but I did do a lot for him. With my help, he overcame one problem after another. I was overly optimistic. I thought his will to live would see him through. He was too considerate of other people. All the nurses loved him, because he didn't make demands, but only because they complained about having too much work to do. He should have been more demanding, even with me. He was so patient and charming. Even the good doctor said she wanted to see him smile again. I also wish I never had to join a grief support group, but I find it very helpful to write about my loss and to know that others understand my pain. I'm very glad that the counselling session helped you. I'm still waiting to be assigned a new therapist. All I want is a little empathy and kindness, not cold, clinical analysis.