I Dont Have All The Answers, Even Though I Learned This Stuff In Schoo

[lbgrrl]

Hi everyone

Though I am a therapist myself (LCSW) and have assisted clients with processing their grief, it doesn't mean I have all the answers when it comes to my own grief. Oh I know the words and the steps and all that, but it doesn't mean I process everything on my own.

My father died in January. He was 94. He was sharp and could tell stories with the best of them. He had not lost a step mentally and well, I guess I had gotten to the point where I thought he would make it to 100. My dad was never sick, and was typical of "The Greatest Generation"--never complained about things, just did what he needed to do, did it well and always with integrity and honesty. He was a great dad--supportive and proud of us.

I had just returned home, after visiting my family for Christmas. A few days later I was on my way back because my father had a catastrophic stroke. Almost a third of his brain was affected. Unfortunately, it was the parts that control speech/language, movement and swallowing. Because he couldn't swallow, he couldnt eat. He couldnt communicate very well--we could kind of tell what he was trying to say by his mannerisms, but nobody else could, as he couldnt speak. His life would be laying in bed, fed by a tube, waiting for strangers to turn him or change him. He would have had no quality of life. He would have loathed that. Just loathed it. So we made the decision for palliative care and Dad entered hospice. The hospice folks were wonderful and I cant say enough good about the help we received from them. He passed peacefully with all of us at his side.

Which leads me to where I am now. My mom is devastated. She is elderly as well and has memory problems--and it quickly became obvious that Dad has been covering for her deficits (typical of people who have been married for 50+ years). Mom has lost her whole lifestyle--she has no friends because they moved to be near my sister just two years ago, leaving all their friends hours away. Mom has long had her own issues with depression (hello, there is a reason I am a therapist!) and is pretty much unable to cope. She is currently staying with my sister because neither of us feel mom is safe alone at this time. My sister is stressed out and having difficulty dealing with mom's consuming grief.

As far as I can tell, my grief symptoms are normal--I'm exhausted, sad at times and cry unexpectedly when I see/hear anything that has the slightest link to Dad--WWII, big band music, a bottle of scotch but on top of that, I worry about mom. We also need to deal with where mom will live or if she will have a caregiver, and I know *that* will not be pretty. She will be against everything. Ugh. I feel exhausted by all of it.

Anyway, I am open to ideas and advice and anything else anyone has to say...

Thanks

[MartyT]

My dear, I am so sorry for the loss of your father; he sounds as if he was a wonderful man and a terrific husband and father.

Your post reminds me of the years after my mother suffered a CVA and I found myself struggling with my role as a wife, a sister and a daughter ~ given my education, training and experience as an RN and as a therapist. So often I found myself in the role of Director of Nursing, when all I wanted and needed to be was a daughter to my mother.

I am reminded of an article I wrote a while ago that I think might offer you some useful suggestions (most especially regarding a consult with a geriatric social worker), and I hope you will take a few moments to read it: Caregiving After a Stroke: Suggested Resources.

See also When the Griever Is A Healthcare Professional.

At the very least, please know that we are thinking of you and welcoming you to this warm and caring place. ♥

[kayc]

Try to hold off having a blow up with your sister. Remember. the relationship with your sister is a special one that you don't either one really want to hurt.

I recently went through something similar with my mom/sisters...my mom had been widowed for 33 years but got advanced dementia...that, however, was not the hard part, the hard part was living with her mental state all our lives, she had a lot of mental problems and had been abusive to us when we were growing up, and tried to be when we were grown.

In the last couple of years of my mom's life, some of us were there for her, some were not. Most were not. It was mostly my brother and I who were there for her...my brother more so because he lived in the same town, but I visited every week.

When my mom was dying and drawing near to the end, I'd try to get my siblings to go see her...not so much for her sake as for their's. They missed so much by not getting to know her in her "softer state", after dementia had robbed her of much of her paranoia. It's so important not to judge how someone else responds to their parent, especially when they have a complicated history with her such as your family and mine. It's important to let them handle and deal with her the way they feel best, just as you do the best way you know to. Those ways may be different and that's okay. Your mom created the situation, not your sister, not you, so you need to let the results of her years of living fall where they may. You can let your sister know of anything softer you see in your mom, or ask for help if you need it, but try to avoid resentment if she can't come through as you feel she should. Trust me, I know how hard this situation is! Been there!

Time to call in the troops...use hospice or others to help when you can.

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard place...it will not last forever but it can feel endless when you're in the middle of it. (((hugs)))

[lbgrrl]

Thank you both for your replies. Isnt it lovely how past mental health issues are exacerbated at times like this?

[kayc]

Have you tried explaining this to your sister? I felt that way myself a bit, it's hard not to let resentment creep in, but we have to try not to let it...it's toxic.

Yes, mental issues and past does enter in. That's what I found so beautiful and healing about my mom's last two years, I was able to let go of it all.