"abrasive" Parents?

[sharirouse]

So, its been about 6 months since my dad died and I realized I dont know much about him. I know him but not much about him. I turned 21 a month after he died but I can only remember back so far and I dont think I was old enough to make valid opinions, if that makes sense.

My dad was abrasive to say the least. He was controlling and he was mean sometimes. He was verbally abusive to my mom and thats why they are divorced. I wont lie and act like he wasnt but talking to my mom the other day, she kind of hurt my feelings about him.

She would tell me things he had done, old memories that pop up about things he did and I felt bad talking about him like that. Perhaps its because Im still grieving but Im not sure. I dont think my mom is the best person to talk to about him because they are divorced lol she helped take care of him and she was there when he died so its not like she didnt care but she, lately, has only been telling me some of the bad things. she has a hard time opening up so perhaps thats another factor but it really upset me.

Anyway, how do I not let other people's opinions shape mine about my dad? I loved him and I know he loved me. He was my biggest fan and ask anyone, but I was his biggest achievement. He told everyone about me so I know he loved me. He got so much kinder when he got sick because I think it opened his eyes but I feel like he was make out to be this major @sshole, which he could be, but it bothers me!

Any opinions? I dont want to show my mom as a jerk but I feel so bad for my dad because he lived alone and was lonely and such, which was his fault/choice but he wasnt a bad person. He had a huge heart. Its just that the chip on his shoulder was bigger.

[Gigi-T]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your dad. I lost my dad, too, two months ago. He was very lovable, and he was my best friend and my hero, so it's sheer agony to lose him, but no one is perfect. I almost wish he hadn't been so nice, so I wouldn't feel so guilty about every time I wasn't as kind as I should have been towards him. I regret every time I ever complained to him about anything -- I should have been just happy he was alive, but we can't treat people like they're dying all the time, because if we thought about losing them every day, we'd be a nervous wreck (like I am now that I have lost my dad). I remember telling my father many years ago I'm sorry that I'm not the perfect daughter, and he replied, well, I'm not the perfect father either. We loved each other just as we were.

Before he died, I again asked him to forgive me for whenever I wasn't a good daughter and he nodded. I know he loved me just as I was and as no one else will ever love me. I am crying again.

I remember reading that sometimes a grieving person will denigrate their deceased loved one as a coping mechanism. Anger is one of the five stages of grief that were first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. I don't know, but maybe your mom thinks your grief will be less if she reminds you of your dad's faults or maybe that's how she's coping with her own grief. She could be trying to protect you both from the pain. It's good that she did care for him, which proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that your father was a good, lovable person. I know too many divorced people who hate their ex, but there is a fine line between love and hate. I've had plenty of relatives be mean to me, but I still love them, because they're my people. I might not talk to some of them anymore, but I wish them the best, and I would be sad if they got hurt or died. Sometimes, love is a one-way street.

I think what you wrote shows the beauty of the unconditional love that can only exist between a parent and a child. That's not to say all parents love their children. I'm pretty sure my mother didn't love me, but she was mentally ill, so she couldn't help it. It still hurts though. I was raised by my father and grandmother, and my mother literally phoned her role in. She called me about once a month when I was growing up and only visited me on my First Communion and graduation. I know it helped me after my mother died to remind myself that she didn't really love me, even though she told me she did sometimes, so I shouldn't grieve too intensely. As a narcissist she did what made her happy, even if it was being mean. I mourn what might have been more than what was. I still loved and admired her, but more like a fan than a daughter. Lots of movie stars aren't nice either, but they still have their fans. In spite of her indifference, I'm glad she was my mother, because I've seen some mean moms who make her look like an angel! My mother could be charming and funny when she took her meds, and she became rather sweet in her last years. I hate the way she treated my father during their brief marriage, but if he could forgive her, then so could I. I'm so glad that on our last visit, before she got her stroke which robbed her of speech, she finally admitted that my father was a good man and she should never have divorced him. Even after her stroke she was amazingly cheerful and affectionate. I regret that I didn't visit her often enough, but I blame my half brother, because he didn't make time for her, and he was the one who used to take me to visit her. But he had more to resent about her than I did, because he had to live with her growing up. Just the same, all she had to do was tell me she missed me and I would have walked over hot coals to be by her side, but she never did. I've been going through her things, and she was very good about keeping journals of her activities. She had calendars where she wrote where she had lunch every day. How I wish we could have met regularly for a cup of coffee, but she never invited me! I did get to dine with her occasionally as an adult, but the only meal I remember her ever cooking for me was French toast when I was about five years old. I think God gave me a wonderful father to make up for my absentee mother, but now that he's gone, I'm devastated. The greater the love the greater the grief. I'm almost afraid to love anybody anymore.

[kayc]

It's never appropriate for one parent to bad mouth another, all the more so when they're dead. She is confiding in you, but that would be a role better left to a friend than a daughter. When my kids' dad and I divorced if one of us overstepped our bounds, my son would remind us..."over information!" It helped us learn to stay in boundaries. Also, here in Oregon, they make divorcing parents take a class that teaches them how to be good divorced parents to the kids...it's required for parents to take it. We do role play, hear instruction, etc. Maybe they didn't have that in your state.

I'm sure you were already aware of what the problems were that your parents had and don't need reminded of it. It's a hard enough thing for a kid to digest, even an adult child, let alone have to deal with it on this level.

I think I'd want to remember what kind of a dad he was and let go of his imperfections. We all have them, even my late husband. We don't have to canonize them after they die, but neither do we need to focus on their weak points. Your dad was a great dad to you and that's the main thing. I'm not trying to minimize what your mom went through, nothing makes that right or justified, but that is for her to deal with, apart from you. It's not that either of your parents were bad people, but maybe they didn't bring out the best in each other? My parents were a vicious cycle. My mom was mental and abusive and my dad was an alcoholic. Growing up was hard. Being grown with them as parents was hard too, although I lost my dad when I was 29. I came to terms with my dad's alcoholism and how it affected me when I was in my 40s. It took me through my 50s to deal with my mom's problems. Sometimes they can give us lifelong challenges! it is good that you are so astute. It's also good to have a counselor to hash it over with.

[enna]

Hi Shari,

I am so sorry that you are struggling with this situation. I have no advice only to let you know that when you come here you are being heard by caring people. As both Gigi-T and Kay have said your dad loved you and you were able to feel that love and that is what's important.

We are indeed imperfect humans and that is a fact. You have every right to hold the loving thoughts of your dad as does your mom have the right to have her opinion. If it bothers you, Shari, tell her and perhaps she will not talk of your dad to you in a negative way.

I send you hugs. How is school? Do you have spring break soon?

Anne

[sharirouse]

Gigi,

Thank you for that and I am sorry for your dads passing as well, Im feeling better about it so hang in there! And you know, after my dad got sick, he was kind and happy and almost a little too mushy lol so I know what you mean, I apologized to him too and he said there was nothing to apologize for. And you know, I feel bad because it shouldnt take us until they are dying to realize we are being jerks but it does, sometimes its the sad truth and sometimes its a blessing. I am sorry you are crying but I do know it helps to get it out

You know, I do know for a fact that I deal with things through anger and i honestly think my parents did too. My mom told me that its hard for her to let people in because her other marriages were hard and my dad was her third and same for my dad so there are other factors that I dont know. Im so happy you got me to see it from the point of view because that makes a lot more sense. She didnt cry much when he died because shes married now but sometimes I would get her to cry with me lol I dont know her true feelings on him or his passing because she wont tell me! But that definitely makes sense. I used to resent him so its not like it was just my mom being upset with him because I too had issues with his behavior.

To be honest, maybe its better your mom wasnt around that much because she could cause more hurt and I do think your dad made up for her. I regret not doing a lot of things with my dad so I know how you feel but i wasnt invited either! Like my mom says, its a Catch 22! You always learn more after they are gone that changes things but you wouldnt know if they were still here! But at least you have some good memories And girl, I am a mommys girl so i know what you mean. I told her shes not allowed to die like my dad did and not for awhile and i know that will take me out like my dad did, just harder and personally I dont really want to love anyone either!

[sharirouse]

You know, after my dads passing, it made me realize how human my parents were because they were like super heroes to me. So that has definitely changed my perspective. I really wish there was a class like that because they needed it! My dad would call my mom all the names in the book after they divorced and my mom would tell me everything mean that he had done so I wish I had told them that they were oversharing.

I dont know all the details in my parents divorce and I came to terms with that when my dad was really sick and I dont think I want to know everything. Im not ready for it and it really doesnt matter anymore. I just want to know the truth about everything!

In grief therapy we have to do an apologizing and forgiving activity and I have done that with my dad. I have forgiven him for everything he had done and now I need to do that with my mom and she needs to do that with him as well.

We all deal with things through anger and my dad was sensitive and I know my mom is too so perhaps thats why they are so angry all the time! Being an adult child is hard and it really sucks because you understand everything so its even harder!

My mom and I are best friends, I mean she is my mom but we are very close but I definitely have things to work through with her so thatll take time LOL I mean I love her to death, Ill just be spending more time with her than my dad.

And THANK GOD for my counselor! I would explode without her!

[sharirouse]

Anne,

Thats what I try to remember is that he was a good dad so he was a butt but it doesnt matter anymore. And thank you for helping me even if you cant relate which is probably best haha

You know, I know my mom doesnt mean to hurt my feelings when she is talking and I cried when we were talking about it so she knows. She apologized and I explained how I felt.

Thank you for the hugs and school is hard but its going. I mean I love my program but I am exhausted and I am actually on spring break now the semester ends in two months! But I have summer school

[enna]

Dear Shari,

Oh, I'm so glad you are on break. I hope you can relax a little bit.

Remember, dear one, what is important is today. We cannot change the past and we do not know about the future.

I love that you have such a good relationship with your mom. Hang on to that for our parents are so precious to us.

Keep making memories with her for you will treasure those memories always.

Both of my parents have been dead for many years, but the memories I have are so comforting to me. I remember that they both loved me as they knew how.

What are you taking this summer?

Your dad is so proud of you for continuing your education. Keep us posted.

Anne

[Gigi-T]

They say divorce is like a death, so your mother has had to mourn for your father twice. If she feels the need to complain about your dad, then gently remind her of his good qualities and how grateful you are for your father's love. Maybe tell her that it's not healthy for her to be bitter about the past and it's not helping you either. You were and are his biggest achievement and I'm sure your mother is grateful to him. Like Anne said, what truly matters is that your dad loved you and you were able to feel that love. I wish I had felt that my mother loved me, but at least she had the good sense to marry a good man and I'm grateful for that.

[Gigi-T]

Thank you so much, Shari, for your very kind and thoughtful replies. I had sent my previous post before I read your latest. It's good that your mom remarried and that probably helps her to be more objective about your father. I'm glad that she apologized for hurting your feelings. You are lucky to have found a good counselor. I'm still searching after trying three different therapists! A friend is going to refer me to a nice psychiatrist who helped her through a crisis thirty years ago, as soon as she can find her contact info.

I've always wanted to know more about my mother, too, but my father wouldn't say much. He said he wanted to put the bad memories out of his mind. He fell in love with her because he was impressed by how beautifully she played the piano and violin. The poor guy thought he'd spend the rest of his life in music heaven. He had no idea what he was getting into, but he would have stuck by her forever. He said he could never hate my mother because she gave him me, but like you said, it is better my mom wasn't around that much because she would have caused more hurt to both my dad and me. She did enough damage as it was. I'm so glad she had her good side. Looking through her things is very interesting but also painful. She was an eloquent writer, but some of the things she wrote were delusional.

I would sometimes ask my dad if he thought I was going to turn out like my mom, and he'd say, no, my half will keep you sane. If I hadn't had my father's love I probably would have ended up like her. My mother did not have loving parents which is a tragedy. As a young girl, she was sent off to live with a wealthy aunt who gave her music lessons, so she never properly bonded with her own mother. Her father was in the diplomatic service in China and remarried, so she rarely got to see him.

My father said my mother's anger usually passed quickly and that my anger passes even more quickly. My mother and I both had a good sense of humor which is my saving grace. It looks like you have a good sense of humor, too. I'm glad I always apologized to my dad right away when I acted moody, something my mother didn't do.

Even though I haven't found a good therapist yet, I still believe in therapy. When my dad was in the hospital for six weeks a couple of years ago, a hospital chaplain was a great comfort to him. He opened up to her and even cried when talking about his past, something he never did with me, because he didn't want to make me sad. In retrospect, I wish my dad could have had more therapy, and me too, but he probably wouldn't have wanted to go. He did confide in me a lot of things, but I never saw him cry, except maybe a manly tear during a sad movie. He told me the only time he ever cried was after his niece was killed at age 22 by a drunk driver. My father found great comfort in the story of the good thief during the crucifixion, when Jesus told him, "This day you shall be with me in Paradise." One time before his last hospitalization, we were watching the movie, "King of Kings", when my dad got a little choked up thinking about the good thief, because he felt if a thief could get into heaven, then that meant there was hope for him, too. A friend of his who saw my dad praying in the hospital said, "I don't know what your father was worried about, he was the nicest man I ever knew."

I wish you the best of luck with your studies. I really admire how you are able to function through your grief. School can be hard even in the best of times. I'm so happy for you that you and your mom love each other and are on good terms. God bless you both.

[sharirouse]

Anne, I definitely rested. I feel like all I did was nap LOL. And I think i will focus on today. I like the way you worded that. Thank you. The good days over shadow the bad.

This summer I believe I will be taking urine analysis, phlebotomy and a molecular class. Im rather scared ;P

and thank you! he is my motivation when all else fails. He made me go to school after we found out he was terminal, and I will definitely keep you guys posted

[sharirouse]

Gigi,

I honestly never thought of that! I do remember her saying that it felt like someone died so maybe she mourned the most then. I dont remember that though. I think I will start doing that and I have told her about forgiving because she is rather unforgiving, maybe thats where I got it LOL. And thats a good point. And I am grateful that your dad could "make up" for what your mom lacked. I cant imagine what its like to feel that way and I am sorry I cannot comfort you more :/

And you are welcome! All of you are my saving grace and so I can at least return the favor! And thats true, its just she wont share much about the past around him and I understand why but Im curious so i have to get her alone!

I definitely like my grief therapist and I am happy she was so kind but I definitely need a good therapist for all my life situations and Ive heard its hard to find a good one! Thats great that your friend has someone good though! I pray shes the one you have been looking for!

That shows what a great man he is and had she always had issues or did it come on later in life? Hmm. I am glad she had a good side too so you can actually have memories of her rather than her just being mean. That also shows what type of person you are and you dont hold abandonment against her. My brother says he thinks my dad abandoned him and he wont let it go but to be honest i think it was the other way around. I wasnt alive though and I will never know the truth now. Dang it.

Oh thats so sweet! And I think the "weirdness" or her issues and such did come from abandoment, or that had at least an affect. Your dad seems very strong as do you. But man, your mom sounds so interesting, its sad she couldnt share her skills with you. Are you into music? That is fantastic about the anger though. My dads anger didnt pass quickly and neither does my brothers and that definitely creates bigger problems. I do have a sense of humor it is rather strange though so watch out!

I was always afraid of therapy but I think its fanatastic and I think it really would have helped my dad. That is so great that your dad got into it and that is so moving what you said about Jesus. I think Im going to write that down! I only saw my dad cry twice, maybe three times. Once during the divorce, when we found out he was terminal cause he didnt want to leave me and then right before he passed, again because I think he didnt want to leave me.

I did worry about my dad going to Hell cause he was kind of mean but I never thought he was evil. And I think just going to Hell is every christians fear. I talked to someone at my church and he laughed when i told him I was worried about my dad and he said not to worry. he had a hard outer shell but a soft heart.

Thank you! The first semester was very hard, I couldnt think but I knew I had to keep going. It was hard and grief therapy really helped me "get my mind back." and school is a struggle but itll make the future worthwhile, so i have to remind myself that. Thank you! I think I would have become a basket case without her. She was my powerhouse after he died.

And God Bless you! May you recieve many blessings!

[sharirouse]

I am sorry for such my slow replies. Im back at school and I feel like they punished us for the break LOL i usually reply to these during lunch!

I do read them when they come in though!

[Gigi-T]

Hi, Shari:

God knows the goodness of our fathers' hearts. Even my mother must have a place in heaven, because God's mercy and grace are infinite. After her stroke, her loving spirit which she never got to fully express before, started to shine through.

My mother first had mental health issues in her twenties. She voluntarily entered a hospital for psychiatric care after an air force officer she was engaged to died in a plane crash. She received shock treatments which may have done more damage than good. She also fell in love with her psychiatrist, but she wasn't the only one. The jealous husband of another patient shot the psychiatrist dead.

My mother did have an interesting life. As a young girl she looked like an angel. She used to dance ballet to entertain patrons in the family restaurant. Later she was first violinist with the Portland Youth Symphony, yet she always had to play second fiddle to her aunt's adopted daughter. Her cousin was spoiled and teased her mercilessly. When my mother was 12 she saw her father for the first time since she was a baby in a newsreel -- he was among the wounded during the USS Panay Incident of 1937.

My half brother told me that my mother cried for me after I went to live with my father. I was surprised to hear that but also relieved that she missed me. I could never understand why she gave me up so easily -- I was a cute, happy child. I think my mother was jealous of me, because after I was born, my father's love switched to me. But it was only because she had treated him so badly. One time after an argument, she called the police on my dad. When they arrived they saw my dad taking care me (I was just a baby then). They saw what a nice guy he was, so they told my mother if she called them again, they'd arrest HER.

My mother wanted my dad to take my half brother, too, but he felt she needed to take responsibility for her son. Having him with her gave her a purpose in life. She opened a small performing arts studio, giving music, voice, ballet and drama lessons. My half brother earned a scholarship to the National Academy of Dance and became a ballet dancer in his youth. He started as Fritz in The Nutcracker and ended up dancing the title role for a major ballet company. Now he's a critical care RN. My mother never gave me any lessons, which is the biggest regret of my life. I remember her giving me a basic piano lesson when I was three years old, but soon after that my parents separated. My mother used to send over elementary music books for me, so I could teach myself to play piano. I figured out the notes for a couple of songs, but I preferred playing the piano by ear, an ability I inherited from my father. My father and I sometimes played electronic piano keyboards together. I recently played a few notes on the old upright piano, which both my mother and my dad used to play when I was a child. I had to stop, because it made me too sad.

My father and I shared a lifelong love of music and films. Ever since my father died, I have not been able to listen to the music we both loved without feeling anxious and sad. I also haven't watched tv or a movie for more than a few minutes, because it makes me miss my father too much.

I'm glad that you are working towards a better future. You are blessed with youth, beauty and intelligence -- seize the day! "With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

It's important to express our grief to others, even if being emotional is not always comfortable. I was very touched to see Tony Danza break down over his mother's death on the Dr. Oz show. After over twenty years, he still misses her terribly:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEJdHFeq40Y

Thank you for your prayers. I will pray for you, too. Take good care of yourself!

[sharirouse]

Gigi,

wow your mother led an interesting life! And this is just an opinion, especially since my roommate is a communication major and we talk about these all the time but I feel that your mother may have had issues because she never felt like she was wanted. Of course that doesnt excuse or explain all of her behavior but I think that could be why she was jealous of you. I think deep down she really did miss you but she was a little strange I am so happy that the police could see what was happening! whew! and perhaps she needed her kids in her life to straighten her out! I am glad you got to lead a good life with your father though.

You know, I wish I had learned more stuff from my dad but at least now I can treasure what I did learn. I play the trumpet and my dad loved it. I havent played since he died and I am kind of afraid to because I am worried that itll hurt. I want to pick it up again but Im not sure i am ready.

Oh I am trying lol I am trying to take each day as it comes. I havent even started to live but i still feel like life is hard! I feel like I am drowning sometimes but eh!

[Gigi-T]

Hi, Shari:

I'm sure my mother being estranged from both her parents affected her ability to love others. I don't think she knew how to love anyone except her dogs. Mental illness makes people behave strangely, and they don't even realize it.

I hope someday you'll get back into playing the trumpet and I'll be able to play the piano without it hurting so much. Like you, I am trying to take each day as it comes. Life IS so hard! I never realized just how hard it is until now that I'm alone. Time is on your side, but I feel like I have one foot in the grave and the other foot on a banana peel. Not that I have serious health problems that I know of, but grief makes me feel like I'm going crazy. My father kept me sane.

The only good thing is that for the past week I have been sleeping without the Ativan. I still don't sleep as well as I did before my dad died. For the last two days I have woken up thinking there was someone I had promised to contact, but I couldn't think who it is. It must be a recurring stress dream. I still occasionally get those anxious dreams where I have to take a test at school, even though I haven't taken a class in 30 years. I read that a dreadful Test or Exam dream can result from the following issues that people face in life:

*Procrastinating at something that needs to be done
*Afraid to advance to the next step
*A fear of being left behind
*Feeling alone and scared
*You feel stupid
*Not being prepared
*Self-esteem issues
* A lack of motivation
* You are feeling examined by people or examining yourself too hard
* Don’t want to be stuck or left behind
*Failure to conform

I think I have all these issues, especially feeling alone and scared. I'm afraid of not being as happy as I used to be with my father. It's like that Peggy Lee song, "Is That All There Is?" You're too young to be familiar with that one, but it's on YouTube. I'm not really jaded, because I've hardly lived, compared to most people, but I can relate to the lyrics. As a caregiver most of my life I've seen too much suffering. I told my cousin I don't even want to live anymore, but I'm too scared to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge -- I might survive. I actually knew someone who did jump off the famous bridge. He didn't survive. He was a real estate agent who left behind a lovely wife and family. My cousin told me, "Give life a chance."

Keep your head up, Shari!

[kayc]

I can relate so much to what is being shared here as my mom was mentally ill and difficult to deal with all her life. A few years ago I didn't know how I'd feel if she'd died, if I'd go to her funeral, if I'd miss her, if I even loved her. I do/did. Parental relationships can be complicated.

I think the "Give life a chance" is good advice. Mary Friedel-Hunt wrote "feeling isn't final" and that's so true! We have to give life a chance to change how we're currently feeling.

[Gigi-T]

It is so hard to lose a parent, whether the relationship was good or difficult. Since I didn't see my mother that often and hardly at all growing up, I tend to focus more on my grief for my father, because my father and I were close my entire life. I miss my mother, but I knew she was well cared for and didn't need me the way my father did.

I received a free gift from the mortuary of a sterling silver pendant with my father's thumbprint on it. I like it because it reminds me of my dad's unique personality and how he touched my life as no one else ever will. He shared the traditional values of the Silent Generation, but he was also unlike anyone I've ever met. I'm deeply grateful to have had such a special father. Among his greatest gifts to me were that he made me feel safe, loved and respected. There were so many things I had hoped we'd be able to enjoy together, but we ran out of time. Almost every day I come across things that he would have liked and it's so depressing. I'll give life a chance. I'll even give love a chance. To borrow a line from Grumpy Cat: "There are only two things I don't like: change and the way things are."

[sharirouse]

Gigi, I think even people without a mental disorder dont know how to love! But you are so right that they can behave strangely and dont even notice! I have to say I love the banana peel bit, it cracked me up because I know what you mean.

There was actually a person practicing their trumpet here in the college apartment complex that I live in and it really made me miss it. I might actually suck it up and go play trumpet at my dads house so we can enjoy it together. Life is very hard I feel like I am suffering from stress dreams and all of those things you listed currently! Its good to hear that you are able to sleep without medication, I sleep on my dads pillow and I think that is the only way I could sleep at first but now I get anxiety if I dont have the pillow.

You know, I know exactly how you feel. Kay made a great point in one of the topics that I have been following and its that we dont want to leave life, we want to leave the struggle and it is so true. I always tell my best friend that I dont want to die but I want to stop living lol its our little joke. I also think the fact that i could survive is why I wont jump either lol poor man though. I will keep my head up but only if you do

Thats very true and I love the saying that you shared Kay, it makes me feel so much better. Feelings arent permanent because they really are always changing- WHEW!

I actually got a copy of my dads finger prints from his work and I really want to get a pendant of his finger print! I touched the pictures and it made me feel like i was holding his hand.

I honestly thought I had more time with my dad so I can relate. I see things that I know he would crack up and I miss his calling him and hearing him say “Hey Baby!” I know for a fact that it was the highlight of his day to hear from me and i loved that. It definitely is depressing and its making a lump form in my throat. Dang it! And Grumpy cat is so right. I definitely dont like those two things either!!

Let me just say that I do enjoy that song lol I think I can relate to it too

[Gigi-T]

I'm keeping my head up, Shari. It was wonderful how we were loved and appreciated by our fathers. We'll never experience the unconditional love of a father again, but we might find our soul mates. It can happen when you least expect it. The Urban Dictionary states: "Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them." It's best not to get hung up on finding the perfect soul mate, because he might not show up, but if he does, it's like hitting the jackpot!

This evening I was talking with an engineer friend for several hours and I asked him what he thought about your situation and he said to tell you to stay in school. Let your studies distract you from your grief. He also knows someone who after ten years is still paying off her $140,000 student loan. Life is tough, but most of his relatives and friends own apartment buildings and enjoy a great quality of life, thanks to their college degrees. He remembers when he was a kid living in Chinatown, his family was so poor that on his birthday his mother would give him a chicken drumstick and divide it five ways to share with his brothers. His mother raised five boys by herself, but she had relatives in China who loaned her money to buy a small grocery store. After much scrimping and saving, she eventually bought an apartment building. Now in memory of his late mother, on her birthday he is going to cook a chicken drumstick and divide it five ways with his brothers, all successful men now, to remind them of their mother's sacrifices for them. The Chinese believe that honoring the dead brings them prosperity. On Easter Sunday was the traditional Chinese festival called Tomb-Sweeping Day. He and his friend were in charge of lighting the fireworks in the cemetery. Some of the streamers fell onto a tree and the wind blew them onto my friend. He said that that was an auspicious sign of blessings for the coming year.

My friend was thinking back to when my father was praying for God's mercy in the hospital. He thinks he was praying for ME, because I'm the one who will need God's mercy now that I'm alone. It's an interesting concept but I think he was praying like a mantra to ease his anxiety from the respiratory distress. I think he was asking God for forgiveness and for an easy death. His prayers were answered -- my father's final moments of consciousness were peaceful, thank God.

I told my friend how I feel regret because there were a lot of things I didn't do for my father that I had wanted to do, such as take him to Las Vegas. He said I'm thinking that way because I'm not thinking of all the good things that I did for him.

[kayc]

I love your story about the chicken drumstick. This was a lady full of perseverance and it paid off! I also love the belief of honoring the dead. Too many in America have lost the ability to honor anything!

[sharirouse]

Im luckily only going to have about $20,000 and Im still trucking on. I think my dad would come up out of his urn and beat me if I quit lol Ive already been threatened! And as of next week ish, Ill be graduation in one calendar year so if I just hang on Ill be okay. There may be a lot of crying and whining along the way though. I think thats fantastic! I wonder how I could honor my dad. I agree with what kay says and I think we should honor people more. Thats also why I send my dad balloons.

Maybe it could be a little bit of both. I had a couple months of being haunted by my dads face right before he died. His face scrunched up like he was about it cry. and then he passed. I thought he was in pain but the more i think about it, the more I know it was for me. He didnt want to leave me. I know I am the reason he lived longer. he didnt want to leave me so I had to tell him ill be ok. Sometimes I feel bad crying to him cause I dont want him to get upset but he helps me. Im so glad your dad died peacefully. I prayed for months about my dad dying in peace so I was relieved.

I have that regret too and thats a good point. I think of all the things I didnt do and my mom tells me that I have to remember the good times as well but it is so hard!

[kayc]

Way to go, girl! You will make it through. My son was extremely stressed going through college, but he persevered and made it, you will too!

I agree about your dad hanging in there longer because of you. My MIL did too. When they sent her home from the hospital (cancer) to die, they said about three weeks. She lived almost three years more! Every organ in her body shut down, one by one, and still she lived. They said she was living on sheer will, she wanted to be around for her grandkids.

[sharirouse]

Sometimes I dont know how I made it this far LOL but thank you!! Right now I am eligible to graduate with honors, the cut off is a GPA of 3.5 and Im at a 3.57 right now as the semester after my dad died wasnt the best (straight B's) so lets see if I can do it! I may have to grieve over the loss of that opportunity but not yet.

Holy cow! I wish I had will like that! That is amazing! I was so moved by the fact that my dad waited around for me. I told my mom to make the hospital keep him alive until I was there. She told him to wait and that he did. I finally realized that he was waiting for me when I gave him permission to die the first time and the next time I saw him he was skeletal. His urine was like diet coke and he couldnt eat but he was there for me. Stubborn man

[kayc]

You'll do it! And we'll all triumph with you!

I wish she hadn't willed to stay around so long because she suffered more than I've ever seen in my life. But I do cherish each moment I had with her. It's a special time and a hard time all at once.