Five Years...and I Am Still Here...

[Queeniemary]

Five years ago in January, when Mike died, I would not have given a plugged nickel that I would still be alive now. I thought without him I would die. We all understand that feeling, we all sometimes wish we could die...yet here we are. Apparently our time here is not finished yet.

I had just had a total knee replacement when Mike unexpectedly died of a massive coronary at age 62. I came home from the hospital to a house without the person I needed the most. My daughter moved in with me for a month, made me eat, made me go to therapy, probably saved my sanity. Losing Mike was just compounded with the aftermath of major surgery on my knee, residual anesthesia, pain meds, and a need to heal. It was major difficult, as many of you who have gone through health crisis after the loss of your soul mate understand.

I survived that, went back to work in 8 weeks, hard but did it. My work people were so good to me. I retired the next year in May

Slowly, very slowly, I have built a life without Mike. I miss him so much sometimes that I honestly don't know how to go on...but somehow I do, as do we all.

I have my community theatre activities, and am still very involved in that. Mike and I both enjoyed community theatre, in fact that is how we met. He tried out in the mid 80s, soon after he moved here from Louisiana, for a play I was assistant director on. We cast him in a lead roll, he was that good. He had never been in a play before, he was a natural. He fell in love with acting and I fell in love with the actor. Took him a little longer, but he got there...

He is still mentioned at almost every gathering of the Theatre Company, often with humor, laughing about something he did or said. He was a real character. Loved by many.

This past year has been very difficult without him. My dear sister Lois suffered a brain aneurysm in July, and after two surgeries is now totally dependent on others for her care. She can barely speak, cannot swallow (fed through tube in stomach), cannot take care of herself at all. Due to difficulties getting Medicaid approved her family has moved her home from the nursing home until approval. This is very hard on the family, as they are now her caregivers, except for two ladies who come in from 11 to 6 5 days a week. It is very expensive and I do not know how long they will be able to continue.

As I look back on these 5+ years since I lost Mike, I can see that I have survived, and even made a new life for myself. It is not the life I had with him, nor the life I would have had with him in retirement, but it is not a bad life. I have good friends, supportive and close, my family, my health is pretty good, and I know I am financially in better shape than some. I don't have a lot of money for a cushion, but I have more than enough for my needs, and with a little extra to put back for travel, etc. I am blessed. Five years ago I would not have thought I could ever say those words...I am blessed, but it is true. First I am blessed to have been raised in a great family, with caring parents. Blessed to have my children, even though their father and I divorced, I was blessed to have married him because of them. So very blessed to have met Mike in my mid 30s and realized I had found the soul mate I had been missing. Blessed because we had such a good life together. Blessed because even after his death, his name is still spoken often, fondly and often with laughter in our theatre group. Blessed because my brother is now living closer since his retirement, and we see each other often. We are so different, he and I, he is very conservative, careful with money, and analytical. I am very flighty, go with the moment type of person, but we love each other. I am blessed. I miss Mike every single day, but I am blessed to have had him in my life for over 20 years, and I will see him again.

I wasn't sure where I was going with this when I started, just wanted a thread of my own I guess....but in typing this I realize that although my life is not what I once thought it would be, it is a good life, and I am grateful for my friends and family, and for my wonderful friends on this forum. So many of you have helped me more than you know, with your insightful wisdom, humor, prayers and hugs.

QMary

[kayc]

QMary,

We are blessed to have YOU! You are inspiring to me, your zest for life, you enjoyment of life, you who loves theatre and travel, and family. You have built yourself a life and that has helped you go on. I have been slower to build a life and still don't feel it's much of one, but I'm doing better with it.

[enna]

Oh how wonderful to see you here on the 'Living with Loss' thread dear QMary. You definitely belong here as you are a shining example of living with your loss. We are so fortunate to have those who will share with us their journeys and encourage us on ours. Thank you for being one of those people.

Your journey reminds me of how each one of us travel our own labyrinths. And as Kay says some of us may be a bit slower than others but we all move in the direction that is best for each of us.

[MartyT]

Beautiful, QMary. Just beautiful. Thank you. ♥

[feralfae]

QMary,

Thank you for that beautiful recounting of your loss and how you have arrived at today. I especially appreciate your sense of life, how you have carried on, and your gratitude for the good in you life that sustains and supports you, including your theater work and your close and loving family.

You give us all hope and insights into how we travel this grief journey.

namaste,

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Dear QMary

That is inspirational. I think all of us here on the Living with Loss section have somewhat similar stories. We want our loved ones with us, we are amazed that we have survived. We can appreciate things that we still have left despite the massive hole at our centre. Yes our hearts have been broken but somehow we have put some of the pieces together and constructed another one to keep us going. We can appreciate comfort, hobbies, intellectual activities, books and food (to our surprise!).

My grief is still too deep for tears. I still feel I am only walking on top of a thin sheet of something and if I let myself I would drown. But I'm carrying on in such a fashion that people think I'm quite OK. Like you I am busy and it helps so much. We live with loss and I think we do it with grace and determination. You are one of the seniors and I've listened to you intently. Thanks for posting here in the senior section!

[Queeniemary]

Thank you for your kind words. I love each of you. We all have our different paths to walk, and yes we do our best to carry on, and the world thinks we are "over it", but we know we are never going to be "over it", we just learn to live through it. I appreciate you all so much.

QMary

[Queeniemary]

Today is a pretty cool, but lovely sunny day here in the Ozarks. I do love where I live, but I love AZ also, Anne. Much is going on in my life right now, much of it my doing, so I cannot complain. Actually I am not complaining, just telling.

We just finished "Shenandoah" the musical, where my friend Tom and I were stage managers. It was an awesome musical, and we had some wonderful voices in it.

I have been in email contact with the playwrights, Jones, Hope, Wooten, and have cast the new, never before seen play that they just finished weeks ago. I am so excited about this cast, but there was some angst also. I was unable to cast several of my dearest friends, and I know some were very disappointed. Tom and I agonized for several days, but in the end had to chose the actors that we felt were best for the roles in the play. The play is called "Doublewide, Texas", and if any of you have ever seen one of the Jones Hope Wooten plays, you can be sure this one is in the same style of southern dysfunctional family, at its funniest. We have a read through on April 2, then will start actual rehearsals on May 4th, with performances on June 13 (World Premiere, with writers attending), June 14, 19, 20, and 21.

I also have a small part in the college play "Prelude to a Kiss", and we are in rehearsals for that right now. It will be performed the end of April.

Immediately after the play in June is over, on June 22, my brother, his wife, Tom and I are heading for California to visit wine country, redwoods, etc. We will be stopping to visit my sister Betty in Prescott on the way home. Anne, so wish we could come down to Phoenix!

Tom and I have already order tickets, and reserved our rooms for several plays coming up in Arrow Rock, Missouri, at the Lyceum Theatre this summer and in December. We always have such a good time there, and I am sure there will be lots of others decide to go with us. My brother and his wife are going with us in December, a first time for them in Arrow Rock.

Also have plans to go to New Orleans in November, as the daughter of close friends is getting married there. May do a long weekend there.

This is how I survive....I just keep as busy as possible. And in between plays and trips, I plan to spend as much time as I can with my sister, Lois, who is still at home being cared for by her children, and a few hired ladies. Good news is that Medicaid offices have finally received the application that the nursing home sat on, and they have been talking with my niece. They do understand that the application had been held up. Sooo, hopefully some good news there very soon.

I look at this schedule and I am not sure what I am doing. Am I just looking for ways to "do something" so that I won't have to think about Mike not being here, and am I just running....I am not sure. I do enjoy these things, but there are times I question myself and think just "what in the heck are you doing"!! I know a time may come, hopefully later rather than sooner, when I might not be able to do some of these things, so I am grateful that so far I can physically and financially do these things. The trips, however, make me have to really watch my pennies!! Probably a good thing for me, as I am normally not as careful as I should be with money.

I am grateful for this place, the living with loss section, especially, right now. It helps me to be able to verbalize what I am doing, and maybe in doing that, I can gain some insight to myself.

My young friend Dana, who lost her husband 6 years ago this month has such a hard time. She tells Tom and I, that we are in a better place than she. We are, of course, older, but also, we have both suffered many losses in the past. Tom and I have both lost a sibling, a child, and both our parents. We have probably had more experience with learning to live with loss than Dana. Dana had lost grandparents, but losing Morris was her first major major loss, and very unexpected. She has developed a drinking problem that helps numb her, sort of self medicating. She came and talked to me the other day, and she has finally admitted to herself she needs help. She is considering going to a place on the west coast, for a month for some substance abuse rehab, but it is a place that does more than that, she believes. They try to help you research the core problems that causes substance abuse. I do hope this place will help her. She says she knows she is a different person when she drinks, and she is. Tom and I have been very worried about her, and felt unable to cast her in the play, due to all that is happening in her life. She said she knew she had a problem, when she started drinking beer in the mornings. Please keep her in your prayers, she is teetering on the cliff.

Last night a group of five of us went to Mountain home to their community theatre's production of "Nunsense II". One of the actors in it, is also cast in my play for June. It was so funny, we laughed so hard....a really good time. We were a diverse group in ages, Tom and I in late 60s, Lynn in her 50s, Jamie in his 30s and Julianna in her 20s. Such fun!

Ok, know you are tired, if you are reading this, of me going on, but it is helping me. No one needs to respond to this, just happy to have a place to put down how I am coping and learning to live with loss. Not a day goes by, hardly an hour that I don't think of Mike and miss him, and at times I still get that gut wrenching feeling that we all know so well....but on the whole, I am living.

QMary

PS, tonight we are having a joint birthday party for several of our friends, that due to Holidays, plays, and other things, we missed celebrating their birthdays. The party is at Toms vacation house on the mountain, so it will be fun, and will be spending time with my best friends. He has a great deck that overlooks the valley, and you can see Harrison in the distance. May be a little chilly tonight however, to hang on the deck. Fixing to feed my Sassy and then head up mountain. My granddaughter will come and let her out later this evening, and she will be fine until I am home.

[kayc]

It sounds like you have a very full and active life and in a way I envy you that. Mine is quieter but I have enough activities to keep me from being despondent. It seems a good balance. I would probably do a whole lot more if I could drive at night...I don't like to ask for rides because I'm so far out of the way for most people.

I do hope your friend does get help...drinking doesn't mix with grief, it actually worsens it. While it may be numbing, it can also make her feel more down.

I think you made the right choice, casting by what's best for the roles. There will be other plays where others will fit better. Enjoy your trip!

[Wifflesnook]

QMary I know that feeling of questioning myself about whether I'm trying to fill my time with activity so as not to think about my grief. It's a possible problem with me though I do set time aside for meditation. But I always seem to be doing things and I think it sometimes isn't so good for me to try to ignore the deep deep sadness which any way catches me out when I'm least expecting it. Yesterday I had to wash some of Pete's underpants which I'd left in his cupboards and thought I would use as dusters. Having used them I put them in the washing machine and then drier. And oh the sudden sadness when I got them out and it was a sharp sharp memory of the times when Pete's clothes were always there mixed up with mine. Such a small thing but I know you all know how that felt.

But anyway whilst we can do I think we should keep busy. And your life sounds full of good activity.

[Queeniemary]

Today is my wedding anniversary, Mike and I would have been married 25 years today. My friend Joe has a birthday today also, 56, and several of us took him to dinner last night. Had a lovely time. Did not mention the wedding anniversary today. Did not feel like I wanted to share it last night. When Mike and I married, many of my friends did not think it would last, but it lasted almost 20 years, until his death. We were from quite different backgrounds, but it worked for us. Miss him a lot today.

QMary

[MartyT]

On this special day of remembering we hold you and your precious Mike gently in our hearts, dear QMary. Sending you love and light ♥

[feralfae]

Dear QMary,

On this day of memories and love, I am sending loving thoughts your way, and holding you and Mike in my heart. I hope it is a day of celebration for the beautiful, enduring love you shared, and that the memories bring smiles to your face and heart.

Namaste,

fae

[Wifflesnook]

It has to be a day which brings many happy memories and I hope you feel him close QMary

[kayc]

I'm sorry to be so late, have been gone for two days. I hope your day went well with many wonderful memories.

[KATPILOT]

Qmary you are an inspiration. In my journey I have met and shared many thoughts about surviving with widowed veterans years further along this path. What you speak to is courage. Courage to keep going when all seems lost. In the first year of losing Kathy, I began to meet with a friend who was 17 years down this road. She too helped me and in fact gave me hope as you do for others lucky enough to read your words. I find myself today in a grief support group if just because the hospice organization that took care of my step mom at the end, provides this. By the way Marty, Joyce thinks the world of you and so do I. In this support group which is mostly made up of widowed souls so lost in their new world of grieving, I find an opportunity to show a light at the end of the tunnel. They can see some one who is still standing going into their fifth year. As my widowed friend told me early on, Steve, she said, "There will be times when you still break down, moments when it all comes back, but you move forward, you find joy in your life, you find yourself alive again". QMary you show us how true this is. And I thank you.

[MartyT]

My dear Stephen, your words warm my heart ~ and please, when you find the right moment, let Joyce know that I think the world of her, too (just as I think of you), and I love her to the moon and back. If she is the facilitator of your support group, you are in some of the best hands HOV's Bereavement Service has to offer. And good for you for presenting this gift of a support group to yourself at this time. I'm quite sure you will be an inspiration to your fellow members, just as you've always been with us. Blessings to you, and thank you for sharing Joyce's thoughts with me, as well as your own. ♥