I Can't Seem To Stop Crying

[Kakalina]

It was 49 days ago today that my beloved husband of 36 years passed away. It still seems like a bad dream. I stare at his picture and just cry and cry.

He was knew he was dying and he didn't tell me. He knew how sick he was and wanted to "spare" me so he waited until it was way too late to do anything. I took him to the ER on Jan. 16th because he couldn't breathe. On Feb. 10th he died at home under hospice care of lung cancer linked to Agent Orange.

He was a 100% disabled Viet Nam veteran. He had just turned 66. We've been retired and together 24/7 since 2000. I just don't know how to be alone. We did everything together ( except he didn't go to the gym with me ). We traveled extensively and loved taking long cruises to exotic places.

That's all over now. He did not believe in life insurance. I won't starve but our wonderful life style is gone. That special joy we had in discovering new places is gone.

I don't know how anyone stands the quiet. It is so darn quiet in the house now. I know I am rambling but I just don't know how to begin to imagine life without my love. How do you get through it?

I have no family and no close friends left nearby. I feel terribly alone and, well, I guess most of you know how I feel one way or another. How long did it take before you joined a bereavement group or something like it?

Thanks for listening and thanks for being here.

[kayc]

Hi, welcome to this forum, although I'm very sorry for the reason you find yourself here. I am so sorry that yet another person lost their soul mate! My husband died of a heart attack and didn't let me know when he entered the hospital because he didn't want to ruin my weekend...he died that weekend. It didn't spare me (or you) anything, but bless their hearts for wanting to.

I'd looked into getting life insurance for us but hadn't because they didn't honor their original quite...little did I know he was going to die right away, well that was that. I'm glad you say you won't starve, at least that's something!

Most choose to seek a grief counselor in the beginning, and then around three months out or so look for a grief support group. There's a article here that Marty posted about the pros and cons of grief support groups and another one on how to choose one.

I hope you'll come back here, we have several going through this at similar time frames. It helps to be able to express yourself and know you are heard.

Edited March 31, 2015 by MartyT
Links inserted

[iPraiseHim]

It's been 42 days for me since my wife died, and I very much relate on several levels. Grief is grief! I find I turn on music,TV, some kind of background noise so I don't hear my own silent screams. Life continues to go on "normally" all around me but my life is totally different. Sometimes it just seems like I'm counting the days but I don't really know what for. Find a friend who will listen, a counselor, group, starting writing to your spouse. My sleep is finally returning to normal, and I'm learning to take care of my health, eating, exercise, hygiene. Tomorrow I have a second appointment to get my teeth cleaned. I pray, I work, I laugh, I cry, I remember our life together and I'm learning to accept it all. I still don't like! I have read several books and many long talks with grieving spouses. One day, each day is precious even though my beloved wife is no longer physically present. I'm not cured, and I will never be the same as before. I pray you find your way. This is a good place to share and let others just love you as they have me. And our journey continues. Ask for help, seek out a group, find what will work for you. Shalom

[enna]

I am so sorry to hear of the death of your beloved husband. His choice to spare you the truth of his illness was no doubt an act of love on his part.

Crying is normal and I can assure you that you will stop when you are ready. When my Jim died in 2012 I did not think I’d ever stop crying. I still have crying spells but not as often.

Your life together sounded full of wonderful travels. Those memories will always be a part of you and later become a comfort to you.

Many who have lost a spouse to death and have no children living at home find the quiet one of the most difficult things to adjust to. I remember keeping the TV on twenty-four hours at a time just to have noise throughout the house. It did get better.

We take one day at a time and sometimes it is one hour at a time. We read and learn how to deal with this grief of ours. We read how others handle things and learn that no grief is like another. You have found yourself here where those who are here listen and understand. Coming here helps us to not feel so alone because you will find that friends and family go on with their lives and you are still deep in your grief. It takes as long as it takes. I can’t tell you how comforting that was/is to me knowing that those here were not going to tell me to “get over it.” No one judges. Our stories are validated and we find out that we are never alone on this journey.

Each person is different in how they go about seeking out bereavement help. Some are fine with groups, others do better with one-on-one counseling and others find coming to this discussion forum has been healing for them. It is an individual choice.

Anne

[littlebro]

I'm so sorry, Kakalina; You have my deepest sympathy.

[bluelady]

I am so sorry for your loss. It will be six months on Thursday for me, since my precious husband of 15+ years passed

away. Some days I think I might be getting better, then I have an ambush and I cry for hours and I mean gut-wrenching

tears. The quiet is deafening and lonely. I have never been so lonely in my entire life. I miss my angel so very

much. Like you, we did everything together, even if it was nothing that we did, we still did it together. He was my

rock, my best friend, my confidante and the love of my life. I CAN tell you that the crying episodes become less

frequent, but they still come, mostly unannounced and unexpected. I have learned to simply go with it and let the

tears fall when and where they may. Also like you, I don't have many friends who call to check on me, so I am

basically traveling this journey all alone.

I joined a local widows/widowers grief support group about ten days after my love passed away. I knew pretty quickly

that I could not handle this on my own. A friend told me about the group and I phoned and have been involved every

week since then. The group, along with this site, has helped me to see that I am not going mad, nor I am I undergoing

anything unusual. We all travel this journey on our own, regardless of friends and relatives. It is ultimately one's

own handling of the journey that gets us back to a "new normal".

I hope you continue to visit this site and express your feelings. Don't be afraid to share, as more than likely, we

have all been standing in your shoes at one time or another.

Hugs and Prayers to you,

Linda

[Kakalina]

Thank you all so much for your words of comfort and support. I find myself wandering from room to room as if I were looking for my love. I find myself singing all the sad songs I know and crying and crying. I find myself lying down on the spot where he died and wishing so hard I could feel him somehow.

I have looked at local bereavement groups and most of them are connected with some church or other and I don't want that right now. I am angry and right now I find no comfort in God. I wish I could.

Sometimes I want so hard for all those silly things one see in movies to be true and that there was a way to contact each other or know he is watching over me; but I don't believe in that and can't pretend that I do. Again, I wish I could.

I am disgustingly pragmatic at times and that doesn't allow much wiggle room for what if's. Even though we did have time to say goodbye I don't feel as if I said the right things, or the important things or the necessary things. I just tried so hard to not say anything that might burden him more or cause him distress. Just said I love you a million times and touched him as much as I could. It wasn't enough - it will never be enough.

I feel overwhelmed, vulnerable, alone, scared and hopeless. I need a big hug so bad and a shoulder to cry on. Thanks all of you for being mine.

[Froggie4635]

Losing my husband, Mark is the hardest thing I have ever had to bear. I am lucky that I have a good support network, but as stated, this journey is one I have to face alone. I am learning to give myself permission to go with whatever emotions hit me. I started seeing a grief counselor a few weeks ago, but haven't contemplated a grief support group yet. I am not sure I can handle the grief of someone else right now. I am a care-giver by nature and would try and help everyone else and forget about my own grief work. I also have experienced the waves of grief; going from feeling good one day to coming to the edge of that darkness and I hang on to the strength I have inside. This is a wonderful place to just ask questions, share experiences, or just write what is in your heart.

[kayc]

My heart goes out to all of you newly facing this. I wish we could have a big group hug! I get hugs at church, that is the only human touch I get. The last time my son visited...after he left I realized I forgot to hug him, because I am so unaccustomed to touch now, that's sad!

[Tspouse]

Words cannot express the gratitude I have for this site! I lost my husband suddently on Dec. 6th to a brain aneurysm. Age 67 and we have been married for 48 years, together 24/7. As so many have stated earlier, we did everything together This is one of the most painful experiences I have ever had and I would not wish it on anyone. I joined a support group in mid-February....maybe too soon, I just don't know but I needed someone talk to. We have no relatives close by and all our friends are "couples"....so I'm pretty much on my own. Our friends are all around our age and they are dealing with his loss in their own ways. Tears are daily....I miss him so much but so very thankful that he didn't suffer.

Thanks for listening and providing us with a forum to discuss our grief.

[kayc]

Tspouse,

Losing our spouse is one of the hardest things we're called upon to deal with, and knowing we can come here and be heard has brought tremendous relief to so many of us. I am sorry for your loss. You didn't say if some of your friends are there for you or not, I hope they remember you in your grief.

[bluelady]

Kakalina,

My support group meets at a local church, but is not affiliated with the church. The church simply allows us to meet in one of their rooms, with no charges to the group, nor to us individually. Although I would venture a guess that almost all of the members of my group are Christians, they don't all attend the church where we meet. Only a handful of them go there. I attend another church, as well, and I am sure there are others who have not been able to return to church yet, after losing their loved ones. Call some of these groups or the churches and make sure they are not affiliated with them, before giving up on them. Our organization has several groups meeting in different locations around the county and they all meet in churches, but are not affiliated with any of them. You will find a lot of comfort in speaking your emotions to others, who are just like you and who understand better than anyone else you know, exactly what you are feeling and can give you excellent information about what is happening and has happened to you. You will receive literature to read on your own and you will eventually understand that what you are feeling is normal, maybe not normal for you, but is normal to the grief experience. I have also been to the library and bought some books about widows and grieving that have also been helpful. You will also find out that there are many shoulders in a grief group, that will be more than happy to hug you and listen to you. I know, I've been there many times, cried during the meetings and received comfort from the others. We don't pray nor the read the Bible. The entire meeting is solely about the journey that all of us must travel by ourselves, at our own speed. I do hope you are able to find help. If not, continue to come here and be heard by the many here that are or have been where you are now! Lots of love and good thoughts your way!!

Bless you, Kakalina and HUGS to you!!

Linda

[mittam99]

I feel overwhelmed, vulnerable, alone, scared and hopeless. I need a big hug so bad and a shoulder to cry on. Thanks all of you for being mine.

Kakalina, I am feeling the same. I lost my Tammy on March 6th and it doesn't feeling like living right now. This is a very hard journey to take alone. I actually have an appointment tomorrow with a counselor that, hopefully will help. Please continue posting your thoughts here because it really does help. This is a wonderful group of people. My heart (what's left of it) goes out to you.

[Kakalina]

Particularly bad morning. I thought I heard my love calling for me and jumped out of bed. I twisted my ankle I was trying to get to him so fast. I must have flashed back to the last days when his best friend and I were on 12 hours shifts. It got very hectic and once or twice I fell asleep in the chair and woke up with him having a panic attack. Those days seem so long ago and yet it hasn't been two months.

I would give anything I have to be that overworked, overtired and overwhelmed again. It was an honor to do all I could to relieve his discomfort. I wish so hard I could have done more.

It's unfathomable to me that one can go on and appear so calm and collected on the outside whilst your heart is breaking on the inside and the pain is so palpable that you wonder how others can't feel the waves of it coming off you.

[kayc]

I'm sorry you're having a bad morning...when thinking they're still alive and it hits all over again that they aren't, it's like a fresh wounding of the soul.