Having Such A Hard Time.

[Gigi-T]

My dad died three months ago and I thought I was feeling better, but today I feel worse than ever. It's been so discouraging, because I've been looking for a grief counselor and one I called last week, told me I needed to get my health insurance in order before she would take me. So I found out my Medi-Cal health plan is still in place, even though I have more than $3,000 in the bank. I was told that you can have a million dollars (not that I do!) and still get on the Medi-Cal health plan, because there's no asset test, just as long as you're low income. At first, I thought that was good news until I discovered that there are very few grief therapists who accept Medi-Cal and only one has feedback on Yelp or anywhere. I called that therapist back and she said she has no slots available anymore and that I should try grief support groups. I already tried that and there aren't any in my area.for my kind of grief, only for suicide, child loss, grieving children, pet loss or divorce. There's only one other therapist with an online ad that accepts Medi-Cal and she does not list grief as one of her specialties, but she does list depression, anxiety, sleep disorders, PTSD and life transition, so I may have no choice but to try her out. The therapist also suggested I call Medi-Cal to have them assign me a therapist, but the last one they assigned me didn't help me much.

I've been trying to distract myself by going out with relatives to restaurants and other activities. On Sunday I went to an amateur singing recital with a live jazz band and listening to the old standards my dad and I used to sing on the karaoke machine gave me knots in my stomach. Then I tried trivia night at a bar on Tuesday with my cousin. It was mildly diverting but by the time she drove me home, I felt like crying, because I remembered how my dad used to like the fish and chips at that bar. I wished we had gone there more often, before he was diagnosed with CHF and had to go on the salt restricted diet. I didn't want to cry in front of my cousin, because she went out of her way to take me, and I didn't want her to see how miserable I was feeling in spite of her kind efforts.

A similar thing happened when another cousin took me to lunch and the cemetery a week ago. We were enjoying our meal when I told her that she of all people understands how I miss my dad, because she has lived with her mother all of her life. Then she started crying and said that she hopes she dies before her mother, because she probably couldn't stand to lose her. She added that everything seemed to be going well until I made her cry. So you see I can't say much to my relatives, because they are either too close to the situation and understand only too well, or they don't understand at all. They don't really want to hear about sadness and loss, which they will have to face when their own parents die. My cousin lost her father when she was only 13 years old and she still misses him nearly 50 years later. She has been having health problems, so it is theoretically possible that she could die before her 89 year mother, God forbid. Her mom is still well enough to travel and just got back from a trip to San Antonio on a chartered plane. I told my cousin I wouldn't have wanted to die before my dad. Then he would be missing me like I'm missing him right now. I'd rather suffer like this than have him suffer from grief and loneliness along with his health problems.

Certain things trigger intense grief in me, such as thinking about an old song my dad used to like. The longing I feel is so painful --- I remember how sentimental he was -- I don't know anybody like him who had such a sweet, romantic heart. He liked the oldtime song from the Broadway stage called "I Love You" which has the line, "Three words that are divine. And now, my dear, I'm waiting to hear the words that make you mine." What triggered this memory was that I was signing up for the OKCupid dating site, and one of the questions was "What is your opinion of couples who frequently say "I love you" to one another?" Then I thought of that song we both liked and the pain of missing him and that unique connection we both had through vintage music -- the pain was so terrible! I feel like I'm the last person on earth who has ever heard that song. I know that's not true, but where would I ever find someone who could appreciate it the same way that my father and I did? And even if I did find someone who liked that song, he or she wouldn't be the same person that my father was. He was different even from his own brothers. And yet his brothers also liked the oldtime music, and I find myself missing them more, too, now that my father is gone I've started updating the Find-a-Grave site memorials for my dad's entire family, because I'm the only person in my family who would even think of doing this. Everybody else is too busy working or having fun. I feel like the sole survivor of a maritime disaster. I wish more relatives had been there for my dad when he was dying in the hospital, but everybody lives so far apart, and being that his last days of consciousness were on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, everyone was busy celebrating with their families. I feel so alone in my grief -- can't even find a compassionate therapist to listen to me. I've tried three already. There's no one I can call in the middle of the night. I have a friend who is an insomniac, but she hated her parents and doesn't understand how I feel. She says I must like wallowing in my grief. She said I'm like someone rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic -- that I should be more worried about finding a job. She thinks three months is long enough to mourn, and yet, she still mourns losing her fortune in the stock market crash of 1987 -- and that's just money!

By coincidence, I just received today's lesson from Marty Tousley's Self Healing Expressions grief course which is entitled, "Setbacks, Aftershocks and the Recurrence of Grief". It deals with how reminders of our loss can send painful emotions crashing in on us when we least expect it. She provides lots of good tips on how to cope with these disturbing recurrences of grief. I highly recommend her course.

[MartyT]

Gigi, my dear, I'm so sorry to learn that you're having such a hard time finding a qualified grief counselor in your area, but I so admire and appreciate your effort!

I don't know if you've tried this, but you might consider calling your local hospice organization. Oftentimes hospices will hold grief support groups that are open to the community, and at no cost to the participants. Some are aimed at specific kinds of loss, such as the death of a parent.

I thank you for your kind words about my email course; I sincerely hope it helps. As I'm sure you've gathered by now, I believe strongly in learning all you can about what is normal in grief, as I think it helps you feel less "crazy" and alone, especially when your relatives, friends and others have no idea what you're going through or how to relate to your experiences. It also helps to know that there are specific actions you can take to manage your own reactions.

Short of finding a grief counselor or an in-person grief support group, you could visit your local (or online) bookstore or public library and pick up a book or two on this topic. See, for example, Clea Simon's Fatherless Women: How We Change After We Lose Our Dads or Alexandra Kennedy's Losing A Parent: Passage to A New Way of Living. Just click on the titles to see Amazon's description and reviews of each. You might also take a look at some of the other resources listed on our Death of a Parent page.

Meanwhile, I hope you'll continue to come here for the information, comfort and support you need and deserve, my dear. Please know that we are here for you, and your voice is being heard. You are not alone.

[enna]

Hi Gigi,

I am sorry that you are having difficulty finding a grief counselor. Sometimes people say things that are hurtful and I'm sorry you have experienced that. I'm sure they don't mean to be insensitive.

I'm happy you are taking Marty's e-course. It helped me as I was going through my grief work.

Please keep working on finding someone who understands that you are grieving.

Anne

[Gigi-T]

Thank you so much, Marty, for your comforting message and the links. It is good to be able to come here and vent my sorrow when there is no where else to turn. What makes it difficult for me is that my father and I shared so much music, films and other experiences over the last 55 years, that there are literally thousands of potential triggers to send me into a grief relapse. If I weren't so isolated, I think it would be easier for me, but even when people call, such as my aunt in Connecticut, I feel it's wrong to burden her with my grief. She's a very emotionally strong person, but at 91 she has some health issues and is starting to slow down. So there's really not much I can tell her even though she's the aunt who has shown the most care and concern for me and my father over the years. I feel like I'm under a gag order. She has invited me to go stay with her, but I'd still have to put on a mask to hide my pain, so I think it might be more exhausting than therapeutic to go stay with anyone right now. Luckily, I'll be spending Easter with my cousins tomorrow, two sisters, their brother and his girlfriend. My cousin will be preparing pistachio encrusted rack of lamb. She's an excellent cook. They've all been on their own since they were teenagers, so they don't understand what it's like to have a very close bond with a parent all of one's life. But they do know about loss, since their mother died young back in 1966 from scleroderma. Their father quickly remarried and moved to another state. He died three years ago, and even though they loved him, they did not see him often, so I don't expect them to understand the intensity of my grief. But they are sympathetic, because my cousin told me that she wants me to feel that I'm not alone and that they love me. They used to live in this house when we were all kids. It makes me cry again to think that my great uncle's hospitality over 50 years ago is now being extended to me, like a gift from beyond the grave. You see, my great uncle opened his home to many of his relatives through the years. including my grandmother, my father and me. My father and I were the ones who stayed and took care of him in his old age. Uncle Al was my father's godfather, and thanks to him, we had a place to stay for the rest of our lives. I remember the happy years when this house was filled with relatives, so I'm not used to being alone. And yet, I can't open my home to anyone right now, because of insurance issues that still have to be resolved. I have to bring this old house up to code, before anyone will insure it. I was dealing with various contractors, some of them crooked, before my father died, and I regret so much that these problems marred my final months with my father (not knowing he would die when he did). I'm afraid to let anyone stay here, because one relative sued her own sister when her dog tripped her and she broke her wrist. Now they don't talk to each other and she won't let her sister onto her property when she comes to spend time with their mother. One sister teaches Sunday school and the other is a very compassionate HR counselor -- if this kind of thing can happen between such decent people, I shudder to think what would happen if I let anyone else stay here. Some of my younger relatives take drugs, listen to death metal music, and have a weird attitude. Times have changed so much since I was a child. Fortunately, I have many more wholesome relatives than troubled ones, but they don't need a place to stay.

I have purchased the books you recommended in Kindle format and look forward to reading them. God bless you for your kindness. I wish you a Happy Easter.

[Gigi-T]

Thank you, Anne, for your kind message. I am determined to find at least one understanding person who I can talk to face to face. I even posted about my grief on a dating site. I know it's not very attractive to be grieving, but I'm just looking for friendship and I figure there has to be some men who are lonely and grieving. I never saw so many happy, well-adjusted men in my life! Why do they even need a dating site and the women on there are so young and beautiful -- I don't have a snowball's chance in hell, but nothing ventured, nothing gained. I don't want to travel the world or hop into bed, I just want someone to talk to and enjoy a restaurant meal with. Even the people on Craigslist Strictly Platonic live too far away. I want to find someone who is also sad and lonely -- maybe we can cheer each other up. I still can laugh and smile when I'm not suffering from a grief relapse. Why is it so hard to make new friends in a world filled with 7 billion people!

[kayc]

I am very sorry for your loss, and for your struggle to find a good grief counselor. I also feel MediCal should find you one, you say the last one didn't help, but they're all different, you might have better luck with another one. Also some are on sliding scale, I found one for my daughter ten years ago that only charged $25/session, probably would be $50 now.

I don't know why it's so hard to make friends, I've ran into the same problem, I haven't tried dating sites because I'm not interested in dating, but it is hard to just find a good friend it seems. Every time I do make one, they move! But I haven't given up, as long as there's breath there's hope they say. You might try involving yourself in different groups, putting yourself out there in whatever interests you, hobby/book club, whatever, maybe even classes at a local college, Spanish, gardening, cooking, whatever. There are grief support groups and you might meet someone there. You say people live too far away, are you in the country or small town? I am, that's why I wondered. My mom passed in August and I know how tough it is to lose a parent...at first I don't think it hit me, but now it's getting tougher, I guess that's to be expected, but I thought I was doing okay with it and now I find I miss her more than I realized, just going to visit her, getting to see and talk to her. I hope you continue to come here and post, it does help to express what's going on inside yourself and know you're heard and that there's someone who understands.

[Gigi-T]

Thank you, KayC, for your kind suggestions. As soon as I uploaded a photo, I started getting messages on the dating site, but every one of the men are located too far away. The closest is 25 miles away which is a whole hour away. If someone has to drive that long to meet me, I'd better be darn good company. I live in San Francisco. Many times people don't want to go out around here, because it's such a hassle to find parking, and the traffic seems to be getting worse each year. I'm relieved that some men on the dating site have said they find me attractive, even beautiful. I wish they had this site twenty years ago! But maybe they want an invitation to San Francisco. Through the years, I've gotten a number of emails from men who were obviously more interested in San Francisco than in me.

I tried a couple of grief support groups, one got cancelled and the other only meets once a month and it was a bit far for me. It's astonishing that there aren't that many free ones here in SF, though there might be ones that don't advertise. There is one that you have to pay $44 per session, but I'm hesitant now after already spending $500 out of pocket to see one of my previous therapists (a minister who was rather cynical). I'd rather go to Las Vegas and gamble that money away -- I'd probably have a much better time, but I don't want to go alone.

I talked to my aunt in Connecticut earlier this evening and I ended up crying on the phone to her. She's pretty tough though and she can take my mourning better than I thought. She said she wants to know what's going on with me. She was very depressed after she lost her husband, so she understands how remembering the past can be bittersweet. They were together 39 years and had four children together. She lived alone for a while, played a lot of tennis, got involved with her church, sang with a choir, had dinner with friends. Now she lives with her son in Connecticut and visits her daughter in Alabama.

I"m sorry you're going through what I'm going through, too, As time goes by, I'm missing my dad more and more. I don't know how I am going to be happy again without him. Now that he's gone, I feel like I should have treasured every moment I had with him. Lookng through all these dating site ads, people put so much money and effort into doing exciting things, but just sitting on the couch with my dear old dad was more fun than sailing the seven seas! Why did I ever complain about wanting to have more fun? I wanted him to have more fun, too, but he liked staying at home. I liked staying at home with him, but I like going out, too. Now that he's not here, staying home just isn't the same. but neither is going out. I have to do a lot of the same things I did before: cook, wash dishes, do laundry, clean the house, tend the garden, and there's plenty more to do around here, but there's no payoff. The payoff was enjoying my dad's company and just knowing he was here. I might eventually want to take classes and pursue my interests through clubs and groups, as you suggested, but I'd still have to come home to an empty house. I suppose once I get a job my new purpose in life will be to please my employer, but as Leonardo da Vinci once said, "Life without love, is no life at all."

[kayc]

$$44 for a group support session? I'd pay it for a grief counselor, but group support should be free! Usually that's a group of people who have all lost someone and a moderator to facilitate discussion, they can't possibly make that much (multiply $44 times 10 people) for an hour! Good grief! (no pun intended)

I wish you luck with your search. I don't drive at night and that's when most activities are so I'm not likely to make new friends except through church or the senior site. I do have an old friend moving back to a neighboring town though, 60 miles away, can't wait!

[Gigi-T]

Thanks, KayC, I'm still getting replies on the dating site, but no local guys. I got one from as far away as Turkey. I have to tell them all that I want to meet a local man in person first, not after spending a lot of time writing by email. It's too easy to fall in love just through words and photos, then not have chemistry in person. Even the men on Craigslist Strictly Platonic live too far away and most are "420 friendly" (marijuana users) which I'm not. I haven't posted an ad on Craigslist but I check the site from time to time.

I'm glad that your old friend is moving back to the neighborhood. Since I don't drive, 60 miles sounds pretty far. San Francisco is only 7 miles wide.

[kayc]

Here 60 miles is nothing because we're used to it, I live in the country so if I want to work, see a doctor, get groceries, get my car worked on, or buy lumber, I have to drive 50-60 miles away. I try not to drive that far more than once every two weeks and when I go do everything I can at once. It makes a long day of it! I hear you, even just going that far to do errands is exhausting, so it's not appealing to drive that far to see someone, but I'll do it for a good friend once in a while. She has a daughter that lives up here so she'll come up for weekends and we'll get together.

[Gigi-T]

I am feeling down again. I'm not sleeping well, because I haven't taken the Ativan for four nights now. I keep thinking about my father and every sad thing that ever happened to him. Even though his suffering is over, it's not over for me. Even remembering the happy times haunts me. It seems the years just flew by. Why is happiness so fleeting but sadness lingers so long? I asked Healthy San Francisco to assign me another therapist, but I have to wait two more weeks. There aren't many therapists who accept Medi-Cal. They don't have many female therapists my age or older, because they retire or move into private practice. I asked them to please assign me someone who is kind and compassionate. Someone who understands an existential crisis and hopefully knows how to do cognitive behavioral therapy. One previous therapist told me I have PTSD. Even though my dad had serious health issues for a long time, I didn't expect him to die when he did. It was a horrible shock to me when he had to be placed in Comfort Care. My dad was my main emotional support for 55 years. Now that he's gone I don't have much hope for the future. I can't live without love or joy. I can't stand the idea of living alone for the rest of my life, I want so much to have a special person with me who understands me. I know no one will understand me like my father did -- we had practically our own secret language -- little idioms and expressions that only made sense to us. I know I was very lucky to have such a close bond with my dad for so long, but it makes losing him all the harder, especially since I don't have friends close by. I have cousins who have been supportive, but I don't see them that often. I'm used to having my father with me every day. He made life worth living. I don't feel up to joining any interest clubs or hobby groups yet. I used to have lots of hobbies and interests, but anything associated with my life before my dad died makes me sad. I still avoid watching tv or even buying groceries, because these were activities that I shared with him. My refrigerator has never been so empty. And if I experience anything he might have liked, it depresses me. I don't even want to eat some of his favorite foods, because he can't enjoy them. I know it's crazy but this is how I feel.

You'll recall that out of loneliness I recently signed up for an online dating site. I can't believe I did that, because I'm normally a somewhat shy person. At first I enjoyed the attention, but soon discovered that many of the messages I received were from scammers. I was foolish to give four of them my email address (one I don't use that often). I have blocked them and disabled my account. I think I need to tweak my profile so I don't sound so lonely -- it was like sharks smelling blood. I heard from three civil engineers, a popular profession for romance scammers. Two of them had LinkedIn accounts. They were all widowers with children. One of them was very lovable in his way of writing. I liked the way he talked about his hopes and dreams for love and romance, fun and adventure. He was clever but also amusing. I couldn't help feeling sorry for him like one would for a character in a romantic movie or novel. If only someone like him really existed! He could actually be a prisoner or even a housewife trying to make some extra money. One posing as an international construction company owner feigned sympathy for my grief, encouraging me to be strong. The giveaway was when he mentioned recently having a project in Kenya, a country infamous for its Internet scam rings. A third civil engineer was a Ukrainian who kept lecturing me on love and relationships but he wouldn't respond to the things I was writing. Some scammers are too lazy to even try to be convincing. I also got several military scammers. I started researching about dating site scams and now I'm pretty good at spotting them. One scammer had over 350 different aliases.

[jame57]

Hi Gigi-T,

Sorry to read you're feeling really down again. There are certainly a lot of scammers out there just looking for somebody who is at a low point. It's awful that they prey on those facing huge difficulties. I think you're brave to have tried them. I can emphasise with your lack of interest in hobbies etc and it's something that worries me but my counsellor assures me is normal. You've suffered an enormous loss and you've been knocked sideways so it's no surprise that what once gave you pleasure seems so insignificant and pointless. I'm back in that frame of mind after restarting one of my hobbies before Christmas. I tend to think I've not lost interest but simply can't be bothered to make an effort. I too find difficulty doing things or watching TV programmes that I once did with mum and even today was driving in the country in beautifil sunshine but feeling so very sad that mum could no longer do so. To counteract this I try to think she's always with me but it's not the same. One of the others will give you better advice than me but I just want you to know you're not alone with those thoughts. Try to believe your dad is always with you. Best wishes.

[Gigi-T]

Hi, Jame57,

Thank you so much for your kind message. I'm sorry that you are going through some of the same difficulties. I don't think I've lost interest in my hobbies either. What depresses me is their association with happier times that are no more. Eventually, I should be able to go back to seeing the glass half full, instead of half empty, but it takes time.

I'm almost afraid to do anything fun, because I'll regret that my dad won't be able to share my happiness with me. Yesterday I was looking at the beautiful roses blooming in the garden and thought how my dad would have loved seeing them. Even if he's viewing the most wondrous heavenly roses, I can't see him enjoy them. The therapists tell me I need to find happiness within myself. If that were possble, then solitary confinement would not be a punishment. I always felt that I could tolerate house arrest much better than most people, as long as my dad were with me.

I kind of hope my dad is not with me, because I don't want him to see me crying so much. I have to cry, because it makes me feel better when it's over. If he can share my happiness, then he must share my sorrow, too. Since there is no grief, tears, or unhappiness in heaven (Revelation 21:4), then I suppose he can see how sad I am, but he knows that in the end we'll be together again, so everything is going to be ok. I can only hope. It's easier for me to believe that he is happy in heaven than for me to believe I'll be happy again on earth, mainly because society is going to hell in a handbasket.