I Thought Happily Ever After Would Be Longer

[Dew's Girl]

I am struggling with the sudden death of my husband. Daniel was only 36 years old and was not sick. He was laughing and joking with me right before kissed me goodnight for the last time three months ago. I was so lucky to have him for 13 1/2 wonderful years, and know that I should be grateful for that. But I still feel like I was robbed of the long future we had planned together.

Daniel said he knew he wanted to marry me after our first date, but I made him wait about a year. We were to get married at the JP, but instead Daniel threw a surprise wedding for me. The theme was that everyone came wearing their pajamas. He told everyone that marrying me was like a dream come true. He made every day feel like a storybook adventure. I just expected that we'd have more time in our happily ever after.

Today I took the first steps that I hope will help me work through that. I joined a few support communities and started a blog to help get things out of my head as I go through the process of learning to live without him. As I wrote on that blog page I created, after almost 14 years I knew so well how to be Daniel's girl, but I am still learning how to be Daniel's widow.

-Amy

[kayc]

I'm so sorry you lost your husband so young. You WERE robbed of the future, and it really sucks.

What a special man! I love the pj wedding, that's unique!

You are doing the right things, joining support groups and blogging. Have you seen a grief counselor? That could be of tremendous help as well.

I hope you will keep coming here, we walk this journey together.

[kayc]

About the cat...who knows? I've heard a lot of things we can't explain. It could be that the cat senses you need him...or could it be Daniel sent him to you when you need it most?

[mittam99]

Amy, you've joined a really caring group of people here. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss of your beloved Daniel.

I lost my wife Tammy suddenly on March 6th and I'm also heartbroken and lost. I had my Tammy for nearly 15 years but it wasn't even close to long enough.

I hear you when you talk about being Daniel's girl and how you're now trying to adjust to being his widow. This grief journey is really hard. It feels like you not only lost a spouse/best friend/soulmate but it feels like half of you is missing too.

Keep posting here and on your blog. It will help!

[Froggie4635]

Dear Amy,

So sorry for your loss of Daniel. I completely understand your post regarding a little longer happily ever after. I became Mark's widow December 4, two days after his 53rd birthday. He died suddenly from a heart attack. There was no hint the night before that he would be gone the next day. When you join your life to someone, you two become one. Now it feels like part of you has been ripped away, and you feel lost. There are many wise people on this site, with lots of love and compassion. The most important thing to remember is be kind and patient with yourself. Take everything one day at a time. When I try to think about a life without Mark, it shakes me to my core. Remember how much love the two of you created.

[MartyT]

Welcome, Amy ~ and I think your blog post about your kitty is beautiful. You have a flair for good writing, and I think your blog will be very helpful as you process your grief.

I'm so pleased that you found your way to us ~ although we're all so sorry for the reason that brought you here

[Dew's Girl]

Thank you all for the amazing hospitality and compassion. It is nice to be around people who have been through this as well and really understand.

I'm surrounded by loving, supportive people but they don't truly know what it is to be cut in half as Maryann stated. Good intentions sometimes makes things feel worse.

Someone told me last week that they were concerned for me because I don't seem to be bouncing back to my old self. First of all, it hasn't even been 90 days yet. But more importantly, I will never be my old self. I hope to be less lost one day but I will always be profoundly changed.

Perhaps the worst is when they say things like, "You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You'll meet someone else." Of course I am paraphrasing and they aren't quite that blunt, but that is the basic sentiment. Who knows what will happen in the future, though I cannot imagine anyone by my side except Daniel. But this feels like telling someone who recently lost a child that they can always adopt another.

Then there are those who want me to "move out of that big house" and find something closer to them. I know this comes from worry and wanting to be able to care for me. Daniel and I did not have children, so I am alone here now. But this was our home for 10 years and I see happy moments in every nook and cranny. It's sad, but a somehow comforting at the same time.

All that to say, thank you not just for knowing what to say, but also for knowing what not to say.

[Froggie4635]

Amy,

I had my first "you need to move on" a couple weeks ago, and I am glad I had already educated myself on the things people say without thinking. I myself worry about finding that people will tire of my grieving. Sometimes I want to yell, "maybe you would like to do this for me for awhile." I am learning to simply nod when I begin to get advice that will "help" me heal. And sometimes the brave face gets old. Bouncing back is not on my agenda right now. I keep in mind the words of my grief counselor; focus on breathing, and putting one foot in front of other. Amy, deep love is not something we get over. Hugs to you, and allow your cat to continue give you comfort and know that Daniel is with you. Stay where you are. May you know peace in your heart.

[iPraiseHim]

Amy - I too lost my wife 53 days ago, We did not have children and no pets because of my wife's illness. She died suddenly, and after being married 25 years half of me is lost. This group is great with many wise people here that give good suggestions. Although not blogging, I am journal-ling as well as talking with her every day. I don't know if she really hears me but it gives me comfort. My life has been changed forever. Once when I met my beloved, Rose Anne, and now when she departed. I'm learning to recall the cherished memories and learning to adopt some of my wife's finer character qualities into me.I don't like it, but I'm gradually learning to accept the situation although I never asked for it. I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, learning to care for myself, health, sleep, etc.. and trying to move forward each day. I pray you find your comfort, peace and way in your journey. Shalom

[kayc]

Amy,

When George died I had a sister that always used to tell me I needed to sell my house, get rid of my dog, and move to Portland. I am NOT a city, girl, I am a country girl, through and through, I need to be around nature and animals, it's just me. I tried to tell her that repeatedly to no avail. Finally I told her, "Tell you what, Polly, how about when YOUR husband dies, I tell YOU what to do!" She laid off for a while then.

Most of the time I tried to be courteous to the insensitive remarks but after a while it kind of gets to you!

[Dew's Girl]

I think one of the hardest things is not knowing yet for sure what caused his death. He was only 36. He was ill a few weeks before with bronchitis but had taken all of his antibiotics and even had a chest xray come back fine. He was not sick at all and even joking with me before we went to bed. I woke up around 2:30 am from his breathing heavily and I thought he was just having a bad dream. I tried to shake him to wake him up, but he didn't respond. He was pronounced dead in the ER but the ambulance took a very long time to even leave the driveway and I could tell he wasn't ok. 3 months later and we are still waiting on the tests from the medical examiner. The ER doctor said based on the symptoms I described, he thinks it could have been a blood clot in his lungs. I feel like I can't even move forward yet because I just don't know what happened.

[Froggie4635]

Amy,

It took about three months to finally get Mark's autopsy report. I didn't read it, because I know he died from a heart attack. He was a bone, skin and eye donor and I didn't want to read about the condition of his body.

[JHCP]

Sweetheart, I fully get how you feel! Fortunately for me though, Jack's family has some influence in this area and pushed the autopsy through fast. But believe me knowing doesn't really make a huge difference. Just like you we were joking right before he went, all I can say is sometimes even healthy people's bodies fail. I too keep hearing how young I am and how that's a blessing because I can still find someone else. It makes me cringe! My Jack was a larger than life man and still larger personality and someone who redefined for me what LOVE even meant. I love your surprise pajama wedding! How completely romantic! Me and my Jack would take each other on surprise dates. That's actually what we were doing when his heart failed a month ago, going out on a surprise date I had planned. I know it is intolerable and I am so new to grieving my loss I just keep telling myself the positive things. I have always wanted to be a mom, we could not have kids. Maybe that's my real purpose in life. The one or two positive things can never out weigh how amazing of a man you have loved and lost. Another one I tell myself is, at least there is less laundry to do! Or at least I don't have to spend as much on food at the supermarket. These offer such tiny bits of condolences, but sometimes those tiny bits are important!

I am here dealing with sudden loss just as you are. It sucks so badly and I am so sorry for your loss! Your husband sounds like he was a lot like my Jack. Those unique and creative expressions of love that made you love him so much are what make the loss of your other half so devastating! There will never be another man who loves you like he did...not exactly at least. That's why I actually gained a little hope that there still were more goofy creative romantic men out there by reading your story.

Just try to stay active. Get out in the sun, work out. It has been helpful to me. And of coarse surround yourself with supportive friends and family! I am praying for your healing sweetie. Stay strong!

[JHCP]

i also wanted to point out that the paramedics had him in my driveway working on him for like 10-15 mins unsuccessfully. Seemed more advantageous they would just load him up and get him to the hospital. Kinda upsetting watching him stop breathing and hearing their negative comments about his state. He also has had 2 separate pulmonary embolisms in the past. The paramedics saved him so that's what I believed his problem was. Turns out an enlarged heart with high blood pressure is what took him from me. ?

I wish you all the luck with your healing process Amy!

[Dew's Girl]

Daniel and I worked together at the same company. It's still so hard to walk past his desk and see someone else sitting there now.

Today I had a visitor come to my office. She brought up a nomination form that she had filled out the day before Daniel passed away nominating him for our employee service recognition program for all of his help. He was the IT Operations Manager and had been going out of his way to help her with some IT issues. She said that she never got a chance to turn it in, but wanted to share it with me.

I had to shut my office door for a bit to regain my composure after she left. It is so great to be able to come here and be with you all during times like this. Thank you.

[Froggie4635]

Amy,

I go through something similar here at work. I work for a community center, and it is different than any other job I have ever had. Attitudes towards employees are more like family. And because of that, Mark & I were allowed to hold our wedding here. So, to say that Mark was a big part of things here was an understatement. Everyone knew him and loved to have a chat with him. He used to come by after work and pick me up, and stop in and say hello to everyone. He was here the night of his birthday helping our department set up for the annual staff luncheon, loving the ability to be a part of it. In 2013, I was recognized with a customer service award. Part of the surprise was that he got to be here and be a part of that. To see his smile beaming with pride made it all so much better. The day he died, an email went out to all staff. Someone told me that the building died, and staff were crying and feeling the shock. Some days it is hard to be here.

I understand how difficult it must be for you. It leaves a huge hole when your spouse is a big part of where you work. I truly can relate and give you hugs.

Maryann

[kayc]

Amy,

I'm sorry. It seems to me she should have turned it in anyway, they could have honored it posthumously.

[JHCP]

I agree, she could still turn it in. I get how tough it is when people pull you aside to share with you about your lost loved one. The memorial services were just 5 days ago. It was a beautiful service. For 5 hours afterward, there were all kinds of people who pulled me aside to talk to me about my Jack. It is hard to hear, it pulls you back to your grief, but it also is so special. I have not felt so close to my Jack as I did during those 5 hours. Tears, laughs, and smiling with his friends and family made me feel close to him. Even if it was only for a bit.

As hard as it is to be positive in these situations, just know he was clearly a special guy and he loves you!

[Dew's Girl]

I'm having a day where I am feeling sorry for myself.

I'm coming down with something and feel sick. Daniel was so attentive to me and always took care of me if I was under the weather. He would tuck me into bed and bring me soup and make sure I drink plenty of liquids and put old 80's movies on for me to watch.

Now I am not just sick but sad too.

[kayc]

It's hard when something bad is happening, like being sick, and we don't have them to bring us comfort like they used to. I'm sorry you're sick.

[mittam99]

Amy, how are you doing today?

[Dew's Girl]

Thanks for checking in. All of my family live over an hour away so I drove myself to the clinic yesterday with a 101 fever. I have bronchitis and a respiratory infection and feel awful.

I've needed Daniel intensely for friendship and emotional support over the last few months but this was the first time I really needed him to physically take care of me. I wasn't sure I could do it on my own but I made it and to the pharmacy as well. I also tried to remember to drink lots of fluids.

I didn't do as good of a job as Daniel but I was sort of proud of myself for making it through the hard part. Now I just have to rest and take my meds.

[mittam99]

Glad you took care of yourself Amy. I know that's not an easy thing at this point.

Hope you're feeling better soon!

[kayc]

How I wish you had someone to drive you to the clinic, it's dangerous to drive with a fever!

I came down with something last night so had to cancel being on the morning worship team this morning, I can't sing right now! I have to go in to the office tomorrow to see if there's any reimbursements to do and to count/record $, shouldn't take long but I wish I didn't have to go in at all. My dog has an ear infection too, the vet won't be here until Wednesday to see him, I have medicine but not oral antibiotics, so I'm cleaning it and putting the ointment in twice a day, but I'll feel better when I can get him in to the vet. I hope I don't start feeling sicker, at least I don't have a fever!

I think it's natural to want our spouse when we're sick, after all, we were always there for each other! I hope you start feeling better!

[Dew's Girl]

This illness is just hanging on. I can't get back on my feet.

I received one of Daniel's insurance checks today and went to the bank to deposit it even though I felt crummy. It feels awful to have this money now because I keep thinking of all of the things that Daniel and I could have used it for when he was with me. Now, without him here I don't even want to deal with it.