Ive Hit A Wall

[sharirouse]

My dad's been gone now for 7 months now and Im starting to struggle in school. I have no motivation and I even got a 59 on a test and it was to be a 75 to pass. It killed me inside but I feel like I have nothing else in me to push on.

Sometimes I want to say its grief but Im not sure if it really is. I didnt really know how to feel when I hit the 6 month mark. I know there is nothing truly "magic" about those days so to speak but all it did was made me feel farther and farther from my dad,

I havent really been crying lately. I mean I tear up for "get the feels" as I call it. I teared up on the forum a bit earlier but I havent cried since about spring break and when I did it was a hyperventilating "hee hee hoo" type of crying where it sounded like I was giving birth and a panting dog at the same time. I soaked my pillow too!

Anyway, I know I havent really allowed myself to cry because Ive had no time to be alone and uninterrupted except at night but since I stay up so late I dont let myself cry because I need to sleep and "dont have time."

While my program is very intensive and Im burnt out, I dont know if its just that, that is draining my motivation. I used to be so diligent but now I almost dont care. at all!

Could it be grief? What the heck.

Secondly, we are letting my dads house get foreclosed on and I am sad yet I cannot get myself to go to the house alone. I mean I actually can go but I avoid it. It upsets me but I still dont want to see it go and it hurts me. How do I get through that? My mom understands but then she doesnt. She doesnt get why I cant go in I think. Since she is paying for it and its a second house, I completely understand that we can no longer afford so Im not mad, Im just sad to see it go and im not putting up a fight.

[enna]

Hi Shari,

You are doing such a good job as you continue your education. We all get in a slump as we go through life and that is very normal.

It's not important how many buckets of tears we shed or not, what's important is that we know in our hearts that the love we have for someone is real and those loved ones know it also.

Let it be okay that you have days that are downers. Remember the children's book The Little Engine That Could? It has a message that I want to give to you. "I think I can. I think I can." You are going to finish school and you are going to do great things with your precious life.

I cannot imagine the sadness you are experiencing about the foreclosure on your dad's house. Later, when the pain is not so raw you will remember the good memories you had there. Memories cannot be taken away from us.

Anne

Who's Tired of School?

[Guest]

I think yes, it probably is grief. I struggle daily too, and I'm a genius. It's too much for our hearts and heads to both handle at the same time. So one or the other gives way a bit. I think it's a survival mechanism honestly. Letting go of the house is probably just one more thing to go away, but your heart isn't focused on the material objects. I donate what I can, when I can. Even when I think I'm fully ready it turns out that I'm not. I cried over a bunch of basketballs just yesterday, so I can't imagine how I'd react to an entire building.

Being a mom, I'm certain that your dad wanted you to finish your education, but he would be proud of you no matter how it turns out. That's what parents do. God bless you Shari. Take it easy on yourself.

[Gigi-T]

I'm the last person to advise you about college, because I dropped out in my third year to take care of my grandmother, but I'll put in my two cents. One thing that made the decision to drop out of college easier was because I was feeling a lack of motivation about my studies. I had graduated first in my class in high school, but college was tougher, especially since I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I was starting to feel a lack of motivation even in my senior year of high school, but I went to university, only because I qualified for a full scholarship and it was the sensible thing to do. I was crestfallen when I got the first "C" of my life in an economics course. I never was good with money. I'll bet other people with my small inheritance would be billionaires by now, but I never trusted the stock market, after my friend lost everything in the 1987 crash, even though she had an MS in Finance. I think my friend's mistake was not to invest in real estate. She used to be a millionaire and was flying off to Paris once a month just to eat fancy food when she should have bought a house.

Anyway, as ctwilki said, your dad would be proud of you, whether you finish your education or not. He wanted to motivate you, because he wanted what was best for you, not just for bragging rights. Some of the best success stories often begin with failure. As Anne said, this could be just a temporary slump. Grief and now the foreclosure of your dad's house are a double whammy which would sway even the toughest people (if they have a heart). Grief and loss are difficult even under the best of circumstances. I've had to sell off parts of my yard, because it's extremely expensive to live in San Francisco, and my father and i couldn't survive on just his retirement income, even with me selling stuff on eBay. It was difficult, because some of my happiest childhood memories were in the garden, but I'm very glad I don't have to pay property taxes on that land anymore. I still dream about the garden from time to time, the way it used to be. Now it is literally a garden of dreams that never needs watering. Before I sold it, I took a long hard look at everything to imprint it on my memory, plus I took a lot of photos. The wealthy neighbor who bought it has spent a small fortune turning it into a beautiful outdoor living space. It took three whole months to transform it. He tore out every living thing on the lot, which I think was a big mistake, because now it looks too stark, but over time the new plants and trees will grow and it should look spectacular in a few years, but it won't ever have the charm of my garden of dreams. When I hear the neighbors having their patio parties I am reminded of my loss, but the money helped me repair my house and make the remaining garden space look nicer. There is still much to do, because life is always a struggle in some way. My dream is to win the lottery and buy the land back, now that he's done all the work. But that is just a pipe dream. If I won the lottery, I probably wouldn't want to stay here. If you stay in school, then one day you may be able to buy a much better home than your father's. It's the people who make a home, not the structure. Having a large yard was not the same after my beloved great aunts and uncles passed on. They were more fun than the relatives I have left, because they were down to earth and not so preoccupied with material things like the younger generations. They had survived a revolution and the Great Depression -- they were happy to be alive. But times have changed, and many people believe it's necessary to have some kind of degree to compete with more people vying for fewer jobs. On the other hand, students are graduating more indebted than ever before, and a bachelor’s degree won't guarantee economic prosperity. Some successful people recommend the best thing to do is to find your passion and then motivation will come from that. But it's hard to feel passionate about anything when you're in grief, so you have to give yourself time. Even successful people suffer a lack of motivation at times. Grief devastated Queen Victoria, and she had a lot of help. What you have done on your own is astonishing. You should blow your own horn! I can't even play a flute -- I tried years ago -- then I sold the flute on eBay.

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." -- George Eliot

[kayc]

It's not uncommon to feel depressed when you're grieving...it's not clinical depression, but it feels like it, and lacking in motivation is part of it. Have you tried doing it for your dad? Are you still seeing a counselor?

[sharirouse]

Anne,

I love that statement, “It's not important how many buckets of tears we shed or not, what's important is that we know in our hearts that the love we have for someone is real and those loved ones know it also.”

My dad definitely knew/knows I love him so I can take comfort in that. As dumb as it may sound, I actually expected the hard part of grief to be gone by now. Im not sure why I thought that. I havent even hit the year mark, fathers day or even his birthday for that matter. He hated winter so I comforted myself with that this passed holiday season. Im trying to trudge through, Im just feeling...weird. I now know its because I have been ignoring my grief so that must be why. I am sad to see it go because I feel like its the last thing of him that I have but that is very true. The house would never be the same anyway. Its like your first car, you can get the same model, year and color but its not the same. Im afraid the memories will disappear but Im clinging for dear life!

And I can already say that I will not be getting a Master's degree because I am THAT tired of school! ew!

[sharirouse]

Ct,

After how I felt today, Im going to have to agree that it is grief. I know I have been ignoring my grief so its bursting at the seams and now that Im acknowledging it, I can actually get more done at school, which is weird. At least “I think I can” thats for you Anne! But I hope its not a surge of motivation. Not to mention summer is almost here but I have summer classes too! Anyway, I think the survival mechanism makes perfect sense. I think we’d just disintegrate if we had to do deal with both. I honestly dont think Ill ever be ready. Even when its gone. And you know, I got upset just thinking about the slippers he wore to the hospital so dont feel bad about the basketballs. I think in a few years, Ill go back through his stuff and donate what I can. I swear I kept every shirt I remember him wearing. which was all of them because they were the only shirts he could wear!

Whats funny about the house is that I hated it before he died. I shouldnt say hate but he wanted me to keep it and I understand why but it was so cold! Little insulation and the heater sucked! It was made when there was a gas boom so insulation wasnt really needed. I might as well live outside during the winter.

He made me promise that I would return to school after the summer we found out he was terminal so I know he wants me to finish and I know he will be proud, I just feel awful. I pray and talk to him and ask him to kick me in the butt. He was/is my cheer leader so Im asking him to speak a little louder. But thank you so much for your kind words and the same goes for you. Dont worry about crying over things and God bless you as well.

[sharirouse]

Gigi,

Sometimes I want to run away and change my name because I am so tired of school but its my only hope lol! Im lucky enough to know what I want to do and Im actually in my last year of college so I am so close! As for the money situation, it scares the pants off of me and both my parents worked in jobs with money, such as banks and money transport so it was drilled into me I did spend a little too much the first year thought. Mom fixed that real quick. But ouch! I guess thats just the way she had to learn. How sad!

He treated me like I was Gods gift to earth so I definitely believe what you said. I took a lot of pictures of my dads house too and I walk around it a lot to burn it into my memory. I think it could be a great house if someone “flipped it” but I know Ill have the same reaction you do. I spent all my life in the house, even after my parents separated so I know I have a surplus of memories and I know all of its sounds. And in my mind it doesnt need maintenance just like your garden! That is very true. Im only attached because it was his and he was in it and now hes not so it served its purpose. I thought maybe if I really missed it later on in life, I can have my nice house and buy his just for my heart’s sake but we shall see how that goes. Its probably like your pipe dream.

Im hoping that since i am going into the medical field that ill be able to get a job and keep it but that is another worry for another day. Im about $15,000 in debt and I got lucky because my dads income was so low and it helped pay for school! I do think I just need to give myself time because I am human, im not a machine. If the queen cant do it, then why am I making myself rush through it? And thank you! I dont believe its astonishing though! Ill try to toot my own horn, if not just for my dads sake. And I laughed way too hard at the flute comment. Flute is hard and I hoped you made a pretty penny with it!

[sharirouse]

Im not sure what depression feels like though so I just feel lazy! I almost feel like I just dont care but I do know I have just been sweeping my painful thoughts under the rug and ignoring them so that has to be it, right? And I have been doing it for my dad and Im asking him for motivation and little pushes but now that Ive let out some of the pain, I feel better.

I see the counselor when I go home but since Im always at school, I havent been helped. My mom suggested a counselor at the school but they dont help, or so ive heard and its 15$ per appointment. So I might just stick to crying on here!