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Leaving My Dad's Body


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I know I start all my topics the same but I have to! My dad died 7 months ago and Im having a resurgence of guilt about leaving his body.

So I was there when he died. Held his hand, gave him permission, all that. To be honest, I think his soul left his body before his heart stopped beating but thats another story for another day. The room was full of his friends(neighbors) and his sister plus me and my mom. They stayed till he was pronounced dead and left afterwards to give me time. My mom left to make phone calls and I couldnt be in the room. I could not stay in that room with his body. At first we didnt believe he was gone because we both swore his chest was still moving and my mom went over and checked his pulse and nothing.

I stayed in there for a few minutes but I couldnt look at him. I didnt want the last time I saw him to be him dead if that made sense. Im happy I got to see him through the end of it, and i dont mean literally see it, but I couldnt look at my dads lifeless body. I kinda threw myself on him when he was pronounced dead, kinda like a hug but that was it and now Im kind of upset I didnt crawl up next to him and get the last feeling of him before I left.

I have apologized to him for it over and over, my mom says not to feel bad but I cant help it. I feel like I just left him. I kind of wanted to see him again before he was cremated because the lady told me I could identify him if I wanted to but my mom told me not too. The lady that worked at the crematorium usually Identified them by picture so I really didnt need to but I wanted to see my dad.

Anyway, I think the guilt stems from the fact that I wish I could crawl up to my dad and cuddle him like small children do to their parents. Ive been wanting to do that since he died.

How do I get over this? Its so painful.

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Shari, I am sorry that it's so hard. I can't tell you that it gets easier, but it does get clearer over time that you did what your mind and body and relatives told you to do. If you could have forecast regret you would have, but nobody can, not usually anyhow. I held my mom's hand through her last hours and regret not singing to her. It was Christmas week, and I wanted to, and I thought about it, but I didn't. We did it as a family a few days prior, while she lay there on her hospice bed, and she did smile just a little. She was beyond smiling or any other reactions during her final week. I stayed with her body until they cleaned her, changed her clothing, and put her into the hearse. I really thought I'd regret not singing to her forever because I know that hearing is the last of our senses to stop. But now I know that she can hear me sing anytime. So, I think that he can feel your embrace anytime as well. Hug others, as many as you want to, and maybe that will help. Nursing homes are full of folks wishing for an embrace, just a thought.

I know if I ever saw you that I sure would hug you tightly.

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Over in the other section there is a , sorry, forgive me, thank you. You might want to check it out.

Edited by MartyT
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Shari, I feel your pain. I miss my dad so much, I can't even describe it. When he was dying, I wanted to tell my dad that I would be ok, but all I could get out was that everything was ok at home. I thanked him for being a wonderful father. I asked him to forgive me for whenever I wasn't a good daughter. He nodded -- he knew about my guilt complex. I regret every critical word I ever said to him. I always apologized right away, but I took his forgiveness for granted and I feel terrible about that Having a good memory, I remember every sad thing that ever happened to him, even things that weren't my fault or his. I practically sacrificed my life for him, but it's not enough to take away the guilt I feel for not being there when he was suffering. I also regret all the times I spent on my own hobbies which I could have spent with him, even though I was only in the next room. I spent quality time with him every day, but it isn't enough to make me feel I did enough for him. Now that he's gone, I feel like I took him for granted. I just found a photo album from his younger days that I wish we had looked through together recently, so I could have expressed my admiration for him one last time. I thought he still had a few years left.

This morning on the spur of the moment, I asked my cousin to rent a car and drive us to the cemetery so that I could place flowers on my beloved dad's grave. Then we drove to Half Moon Bay. It was the first time I had been out amidst nature since Valentine's Day when my other cousin drove me to the beach. I was too depressed to enjoy the sunset then, but this time I enjoyed the scenery better. I still thought about my dad almost the whole time. On the way home, I saw the spot where my dad used to stand when he waited for me to come home from school when I was a little girl. We would walk home up the hill together. The world is a lot sadder than those happy, carefree years with my darling daddy. I waved to my invisible dad as we drove past. I don't see many fathers walking their children home anymore. I don't see many free-range kids either.

Right now I'm eating popcorn with champagne. I don't normally drink alone, but it helps numb the pain. I had two margaritas at lunch, but they tasted like Hawaiian punch with no punch, if you know what I mean.

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Shari, I also worried about whether my dad was really gone. After 36 hours of listening to his labored breathing, counting his respirations alone in the dark, so many times I thought he had taken his last breath, but another breath would arrive after a long pause. I finally fell asleep in the chair when a nurse told me my father had passed and she saw him take his last breath. It was as if he had waited for me to fall asleep before leaving this world. My friend Ray, the Chinese engineer, said that the spirit takes a while to leave the body and lingers in the room watching their own body impassively. Your dad knows that you loved him. Don't let your heart be troubled. I should take my own advice.

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My friend Ray just called and suggested I watch the film "Jack" (1996) with Robin Williams. I haven't watched it yet, but he said that there's a eulogy at the end that might help me cope with what I'm going through re the loss of my father. Thought I'd mention it, in case it might be helpful to anyone else on here.

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Ct,

Im glad I didnt stay with him to be honest, I think it would haunt me. He died with his mouth open and I tried to shut it as I left and the way he felt...I regret. He did feel a little empty if that makes sense. I had a friend who told me that her mom was around someone who had just passed away and they sounded hollow to her and I think my dad was like that. Im glad that you pointed that out because that makes me feel better. Ill start hugging people and ask him to join. I can still feel him kind of and when I cry really hard, I hug a pillow that I put his shirt on and it helps. I have considered going to a nursing home but Im afraid of getting attached but I still want to go. And thank you for that :) I know I would greatly appreciate that hug.

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Gigi, I feel the exact same way. I know I took him for granted and I regret not spending more time with him but Im happy we knew he was dying rather than it sudden so I could really focus on him. Im mad that I needed that news to spend with him though. I apologized to him before I went back to school and he told me I had nothing to be sorry for but I think hes wrong. I keep apologizing though. I think my dad is so funny and the more I sit here and think, I realized or at least I feel like, I started getting more attached to him before he died. I also am having an issue because I used to resent him and I feel like part of it is my mom’s fault. I know it wasnt intention and I wont say anything until years later because I dont want to make her feel bad but Im currently fighting with that guilt. I wish my dad had more time too but I keep telling myself that he is living a better life now.

I want to put flowers on my dads grave but hes in my bedroom so i dont know what to do with the flowers if I get them lol any ideas? Im also struggling with putting him in the ground as well because I dont want to leave him in the cold hard ground. I have time though because we currently cant afford to bury his ashes. Im happy you went out and about though but I have experienced all those feelings too. I go to college in Albuquerque NM and they have this hot air balloon fiesta every october that begins at 6 am and goes until night. you get to watch hundreds of balloons lift off and touch down. it is amazing. I love it! My mom told me that he used to be obsessed with it and I got that trait. Now sometimes in the morning, I see balloons floating in the distance or sometimes right above my apartment and i tell him to look at it with me. They get so close you can wave at the people in the basket. I do that same thing with beautiful sunsets. I also say hi to him every morning because I took a stuffed grapefruit thing out of his truck and put it in my car. It turns around and looks at me when I drive and I think its him.

I actually turned 21 a month after my dad passed and my mom worries that I will use it as a crutch so she monitors me from miles away lol I dont drink alone as my roommates wont let me even if I wanted to. There are a lot of partying students in my program now so I have the opportunity to but there is a girl in the program that knew him and she told me that he wouldnt like me doing that so that helped me. But sometimes I want to drink.

I begged my dad to breath for awhile. Id hold my breath until he took one and then he didnt. Im happy it wasnt as dramatic on some movies where there is a long exhale. He just left in a whisper. I think he did wait for you to fall asleep. My mom and I were at the hospital until about 6 am as the ICU closes from 6-8 I think. We got a call at 7 am that he had steadily declined and when we got there, he only had a few hours with the tube in. I really think he waited for me to leave because I lost it when I saw the tube in him. I burst into tears and was hiding behind my mom. Im 5’7 and shes 5’3 so you can imagine how well that worked. I also feel bad because we kept telling my dad to sleep cause he was restless but I know he was afraid to sleep. He finally feel asleep but I was asleep then and we left the hospital when he was sleeping. I feel awful for not waking him so i could talk to him but he was finally in peace. I agree with your friend. Im religious in the sense that I believe in God but Im not into organized religion. Anyhoo, I definitely feel like his spirit was in there. It felt...different behind his bed. It also made my heart flutter if that makes sense. it was inviting though. Nothing bad. I do think he was out of his body before he died. My aunt work him up and he raised his brows and opened his eyes a few times, then squeezed my hands. that was the last of him moving that I saw. Im going to have to constantly remind myself that he knows that he loves me but Im still worried. Its great advice but you must have a thick skull like me ;)

You know the movie Jack broke my heart lol I loved it and I love Robin Williams but damn! His euology is so true though so maybe it will help

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Kayc,

I think Ill try it! Although I was taught in grief therapy to say "I apologize" rather than Forgive me as its putting something back onto the deceased person. Ill just change that verse :)

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Shari, The resentment you felt toward your dad was natural and not your fault. As nice as my dad was, and even though he was always right here with me, I used to resent that he didn't want to go out and do more fun things with me. He did go some fun places with me, for my sake, such as a trip to Mexico and a couple of times to the Dickens Christmas Fair. He ended up enjoying himself, and looking back on those experiences with pleasure. If we had gone out more, before he got too sick, there would have been many more good memories to cherish. He was always happiest at home watching movies or sports.

I turned 56 on Friday. I felt so alone on my first birthday without my father, I cried, even though people called and emailed me with good wishes. Fortunately, my half brother, his wife and my niece took me to dinner at my favorite Peruvian restaurant. I had a very nice time. My pisco sour had a smiley face on it, made out of angostura bitters. On the way home we were laughing about the Star Wars movies. I mentioned I used to have a crush on Boba Fett! That cracked them up. Then the following day I had dinner with my cousin Vivian who is a gourmet cook -- she prepared an entire Peruvian feast for me, complete with Pisco Sour cocktails! It blew me away that she would do that for me, especially since she had never tasted Peruvian food before. I only recently discovered Peruvian food and pisco sours. It's the only food and cocktail I really like now, because it's very tasty and something not associated with my father since he never tried it. I would not recommend drinking alone -- you are wise not to do that, but I understand the temptation. I only had two pisco sours with food, so I was relaxed but not even tipsy. I also had two glasses of champagne with dessert but much later. One thing I probably shouldn't admit is that I smoked my first joint ever on Saturday night. My cousins make such a big deal about marijuana, I was tempted to see if it would make me feel happy or help me sleep. It didn't have much effect on me. I laughed because I was doing something out of character, not because it was so great (not for me, anyway). My cousin Randy called me in the morning to check up on me. He said he was worried about me being all alone in "the house on haunted hill" after my first joint. I told him I didn't have any bad reaction, but it didn't really help me either. Lots of drugs and sleep remedies don't help me like they're supposed to.

Like your dad, my dad would not want me drinking alcohol, except for a little red wine with dinner. My dad also didn't want me smoking anything -- he didn't even like me to burn candles or incense. I think he would understand that I tried the marijuana only to see if it would have a medicinal effect -- so many people were urging me to try it for my insomnia. A few years ago, a friend gave me a hookah pipe with a whole box of assorted tobaccos, but I never used it, out of respect for my father and for my own health. You are certainly under a lot more peer pressure than I am to drink and smoke. I laud your self control. Under no circumstances would I ever drink to the point where I wasn't in control of myself or aware of my surroundings. I just get pleasantly tipsy. I've never been drunk or sick from drinking too much. Alcohol can make you depressed the next day. Please be careful. If you do drink, don't ever leave your drink unattended. If you leave a drink alone, don't drink it. You are too young and beautiful to take any chances.

Do you have room to create a small shrine for your dad in your bedroom? On a table near my front door I have a small metal shrine niche that looks like this:

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51Tjd6PCABL.jpg

I bought it on Amazon from Design Toscano. I have a small framed picture of my dad in front of the statue of the Blessed Mother along with battery-operated votive candles which I keep burning day and night. Maybe you could put an urn containing your dad's ashes inside a niche like this. I also put other smaller statues of saints in front. I'm Catholic, but somewhat agnostic. My dad used to be an altar boy. For Easter I put two Easter lilies on either side of the niche. Now I have the birthday bouquet my brother gave me next to it. Buying flowers for the cemetery is going to bankrupt me, because I have too many dead relatives now, so I will have to stop going so often at some point.

Maybe when you will feel recovered enough, you could scatter your dad's ashes from a hot air balloon. Or a less expensive ritual might be to light sky lanterns, which are candle-powered hot air balloons that you could release into the night sky. They have them on Amazon, a 14 pack for $13.79 in assorted colors. I would love to do this for my dad on his birthday. I should have done it when he was alive, but without a car, it was too hard to get to a safe location to release the lanterns -- there are strict fire ordinances in San Francisco. My half brother didn't have time to visit my dad on his birthdays in the last three years. One of my uncle's ashes are kept at a niche in a church in Mexico. Lots of cemeteries have above ground columbariums for urns.
The stuffed grapefruit thing sounds so cute!
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  • 3 weeks later...

Gigi, that is very comforting! I had hoped it was just a teenager thing too. I used to have issues with my mom too but I love her to death and got over them so why not get over the issues with my dad? I finally told my mom that her remarks about my dad make me weird. I dont know how to feel about them. She told me that she is just telling me how she feels and I understand that but I wanted her to know how I felt about the remarks. Now she does!

Happy very belated birthday! Im on my 3 week summer break so I went missing! But that is so great that your family took you out and you were able to have such a great celebration! Im so happy that they did that for you! My dad died before my 21st birthday and I know how you feel. It was pretty dull feeling actually. Like a grey sheet was put over everything.

Luckily my roommates dont let me drink alone but there are some partiers in my program and i was the DD one night. Never again. It reminded me how much I disliked baby sitting adults!! And good Lord there was a VERY touchy weird man that would not go away! But since I was the only sober one, I kind of had to defend myself from his petting. UGH! I wouldnt let him near my water or anything that would enter my body! BLEH! In retrospect its quite hilarious but ew!

I have to laugh about the joint, I am surprised! I understand though. I tried it my first year of college but I have always been against it since my sister is a druggie and is a fiend for it. Shes in recovery now though. After like 14 years! Anyway, it never did much for me so perhaps I am biased. My dad was going to get a medical marijuana card and I was SO against it but after seeing him in the end stage of cancer, I would have let him shoot up if it would make him feel better. I have guilt over that too though. I told him I wouldnt visit him if he smoked. I am also to be drug tested in my program so that was my excuse but it still hasnt happened.

I could make a little one on my vanity actually! Im non denominational but I havent found my church yet so I do my own thang lol. That is a great idea though! I want to burn a candle for my dad but Im not sure HOW if that makes sense. I want it to be special. But I LOVE the lantern ideas oh my goodness. I think I will do that! The hot air balloon is a great idea too, if i can get myself in one LOL I know he wants to be buried somewhere green or spread at the river which would be easy in an air balloon. I will see what my options are once I can afford it :) He really just wanted a place for me to be able to go and visit.

Ill have to take a picture of it! I really like it though. It makes me feel like he is around.

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Ct, I am glad it makes sense. It is really hard NOT to say Im sorry or forgive me. Maybe Ill save those phrases for in my dreams when I see my dad :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi, Shari, I hope things are going well for you. Thank you for wishing me a happy belated birthday. I now know what you mean about baby sitting adults when it comes to alcohol. I met a very nice older widow at the grief support meeting at church. She offered me a ride home and I invited her to dinner. We had a very nice time, except I got worried because she drank three cocktails before driving home. I did, too, but I don't have a driver's license since I've never owned a car. She seemed fine, and she got me home ok, but I still was worried about her. Luckily, she only lives 2 miles away. Now I don't know what to do the next time we dine together. Do I have to stop her from drinking more than one cocktail per hour? I just met her, so I don't want to offend her. She's old enough to know better and she may have more tolerance (the cocktails weren't that big). No matter what it is in life, there's always complications.

I've been crying almost every day now. I miss my dad so much. Hanging out with friends and relatives just isn't the same as spending time with my dad was. I had a chance to date a lawyer on Monday but I turned him down, because I'm so afraid of scammers. I met him on a dating site. I don't know who is for real out there! Even if he is a lawyer that's kind of scary in itself. My cousin was married to a realtor who put their three houses in her name only and embezzled his life savings!

Take care and be safe.

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Thank you! Im back at school :( lol its not that bad but I want to sleep forever. And you are welcome! Oh gosh, I completely understand. As a person rule I never drive even after one drink. I dont have a tolerance anymore so Im easily buzzed. Maybe you could ask her if she is okay to drive or go to a place that doesnt serve alcohol. That is a hard thing to deal with but if she is friendly, she shouldnt be offended. Drinking and driving scares the heck out of me!

OH my gosh! Your poor cousin! I think i would hate dating a lawyer because of arguments. I have a friend who is going to school to be a lawyer and she annoys me now! She likes to argue but ive always been told Id argue with God! I cant give you too much advice because Im only 21 but if you think itll make you happy, you should try :) I definitely understand the fear of scammers too, dumb people!

I havent been crying much but I talk to my dad before I go to sleep and I tend to fall asleep before I get to talk to him and I feel guilty for it. I dont want him to think Im forgetting him. You are so right, the loneliness can only be filled by him. I miss visiting him during the summer so this summer is...interesting.

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Gigi-T, I would tell her that I'm uncomfortable riding when someone's had more than one drink BEFORE she consumes. Also, in Oregon they can arrest you even if you've only had one sip! They don't advertise that, most people think it's .08 but that's just a guideline, it's really the police' discretion. I know three people who were arrested for DUI well under .08, one was riding a bicycle (and is a lawyer)! I even checked with the police to make sure and they reluctantly admitted it only takes one sip technically. I would not drive and drink at all! Much too risky.

Shari, Good to hear from you again. I hope you're doing well in school, I know it was a struggle when your dad's death was fresher, it's hard to focus when it's on your mind so much. I believe in you and know you can do it, and I hope the day you graduate you feel how proud your dad is of you.

You may only be 21 but I think you have learned an incredible amount and have a lot to offer, advice or otherwise. There's a scripture in the bible that talks about not devaluing someone for their young age, after all, they can have a lot to offer!

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Thank you for your good advice, Kay. Not being much of a drinker before my grief experience, drunk driving is not an issue I've ever had to deal with personally before.

Shari, I agree with Kay that you are very wise for your years. Sometimes I think I was wiser when I was younger. Loneliness has made me do some foolish things, such as drink too much, spend too much and join various dating sites.

I told the gentleman on the dating site that I was getting cold feet about meeting him. He told me to take my time. Turns out he's both a lawyer and a realtor. :)

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I've never been to a dating site, I'd be way too leery to trust someone I or someone close to me didn't know, but it's a moot point for me, I don't date. I was so amazingly lucky to have met George, I just don't think there's anyone anywhere near close to being what we had together and I don't want to settle for anything less. :)

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I understand how you feel, KayC. Well, I met the attorney for lunch yesterday. He talked me into it -- he's a good lawyer! :) He wants to see me again in a couple of weeks when he comes to the Bay Area to shop for a yacht. We're just platonic friends at this point, but he seems like a very nice man. I'm not saying anything more will come of this, but he's the most interesting person I have met since my father died and that's something. He's thinking of moving to the SF Bay Area, so maybe I'll get to see him more often. He could be the answer to my prayers. The other night I was praying harder than usual. I was crying when I asked God to send me a good friend. I cried myself to sleep. The next day the lawyer invited me for a cup of coffee. I'm not making this up. He's the first man who actually gave me an invitation as to where and when, instead of just sayiing, "I want to meet you." I told him I had cold feed, because I've never met a stranger in this manner before. Then he invited me to lunch and reassured me that he's just looking for a friend. Playing hard to get really works, even though I wasn't doing it on purpose. I was nervous at first, because I was afraid he might be arrogant. He wasn't at all. The waiter was more snooty than him! I had a nice time. Lawyers are good talkers, of course. I think the faith based dating sites are safer though there are scammers everywhere. From his first name, his photos and his location, I was able to find out that he is a reputable lawyer, a former deputy district attorney. That's what convinced me to meet him. He even took me to the courthouse with him, so it was a learning experience. On the way home, I felt kind of sad that it's not easy to find friends who share my interests -- he's not that much into old movies or vintage music as I am, but I now know more about boats and the legal system than I did before. He's certainly the nicest lawyer I've ever met. I can't believe I did this and it turned out so well. I just got a text from him and he said he's my friend. :)

As I was walking down Market Street a young good looking man handing out free samples for a beauty shop chatted me up a bit. He asked me, "Are you married or happy?" I replied, "Happy."

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I'm glad it went well. You might not be into boats and he might not be into old movies but maybe a compromise would have both of you expand your horizons a bit. :) Let us know how it goes...

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Shari please try not to beat yourself over it. Your dad knew you were there and what a blessing to be there in his final moments, even though it was uncomfortable for you. Like you said, you felt his spirit had already left his body and more than likely it did and was looking down on you, so it was just his physical body left.

I lost my dad a couple years ago and I am 48 years old and miss him every day. I know it sounds silly, but I went out and bought a teddy bear and put his t-shirt on it, to where I feel like I can still hug him whenever I need to. Maybe try to do the same thing and see if it will help you find some comfort.

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KLS4FTS,

Thank you, I will try not to! Its just those thoughts that creep in. I definitely agree. I am so incredibly grateful that i was able to be there and help him through it in a sense, even though i just stood there and talked to him. I need to remember that it was just his body and that he is still with me.

Its definitely not silly and I actually have 3 of his pillows, one of which has a shirt on it :) I still smell it and sometimes get a whiff. Its nice to know that it still helps, even years down the road.

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Gigi,

its great that you've never had to experience drinking and driving! I wish I hadnt! Its scary and I dont want to be put in the situation. Since Im 21 and in college, ive had a few moments that made me freak out. I had an outburst though so never again lol And you know, going off of what kay said, Ive heard stories of someone being arrested after using mouth wash and getting pulled over because of the alcohol content. Although some people drink that to get drunk. Gross! And how painful!

Its so great to hear that you told him upfront and he respected it! Im so glad you have found a friend! No need to turn it into something else if you dont want to and if you do, friends first is the best way right?! But that is so great! You know, I have a lot of good friends who have different interests and I think since we are so different, we get along. Sounds weird but it works! Im happy that he is who he said he is and I definitely think faith based sites are a safer route! Its great that you are happy as well :) we all deserve to be happy!

And thank you for the kind words! I dont think Im wise but I do learn from peoples mistakes AND I have to talk things out. I dont make unwise decisions because i get scared ;D

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Kay, thank you very much! Its nice to hear that :) Like I told Gigi, I learn from mistakes and have to talk things out so maybe thats how I can advise people! Im actually helping a friend whos nana got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a year ago and just recently went through an attempted whipple but the doctors found the cancer has spread to her colon. Its hard to know what to say because it doesnt sound good. I let her get all the hurt feelings out though! I try to get into the hard topics because they are rewarding when you work through them. You feel so much better.

I think school is going better because I can focus better now. I am so close so giving up is not allowed! I just need to imagine the look on my dads face when I graduate :) I wish i had more time to post but the school work is like being assaulted Lol

its cute that you wont settle for anything less! i hope to find that someday! Im also afraid of dating sites because weird men are attracted to me but maybe ill give it a chance later in life if Im not where I want to be :P

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