It Hit Me Like A Ton Of Bricks....

[phoenixtag]

I don't know where to start for this blog. I've read many of the others ones on here. I seems that writing your thoughts is a step in healing. So here goes....

My mom passed away about four weeks ago....seems that time frame is very typical when you get hit in the gut with the anxiety. Everyone was saying...oh, you're so strong, etc. And I believed that. I thought that I made it through both emotionally and physically without a lot of issues. Ha.....then last Friday I had some stomach problems....then Monday some sleeping problems.....and now back to stomach problems with being gassy....can't concentrate, losing interest in things I normally do, and finding it really difficult to write this blog. I suppose I need to add that my father is still alive and is in the process of having hip replacement surgeries. The first one having some complications, that seem to be getting better...and going through it all again in about four weeks...if the surgeon agrees...

So, yeah. Major items. But why does it seem that only I'm having emotional problems. My brother and sister seem to be okay.....I should ask them....no?

Anyway, my mom's decline has been going on for about three years. Dementia, etc. My dad was essentially the care giver, though I was the only one of their four children that lived in the same town, therefore I went through the entire process he did.

About three months ago, right after the Super Bowl here in Phoenix, my mom had a brain seizure and was taken to their local hospital. Going into that room and seeing your mother failing about and saying over and over....what happened? Why am I here? over and over. THen wanting you to hold her hand. It was scary for all of us. Then after giving her anti seizure medication she ended up in ICU where she got pneumonia. Watching her heave for a breath was difficult too. But after about a week in the hospital, they released her into a rehab center, and after about three weeks, my dad and I got her into a lovely group home as my dad decided he could not, and neither could I, give her the care she needed.

Then after a week, she fell and started to decline quickly. And again, my Dad and I had to make the decision to take her to the hospital....where we found out she had c-diff in addition to the brain issues....A day later, I had just visited and gone home, when my father calls and says that the surgeon wants a decision on whether to do surgery to take out her colon that was infected and she'd live with a colostomy bag.and for me to drive back over to the hospital Again, another decision we needed to make together....which was not to do that and continue with the heavy duty anti biotics. Finally, my brother arrived and we together decided to send my mom to Hospice.

She stayed over night and the rest of the family began to arrive for a vigil. I wanted to go home and rest, so I did, and had just laid down in bed, when my sister called and said I should come back over right away. I got there and as I entered the room, she breathed her last breath.

The funeral happened just a few days later and we had to make all those decisions about what she should wear and who should be a pall bearer and who should write a eulogy. And then everyone left.

I went back to work....and went through my dad's surgery and complications (he caught c-diff as well)....

So here I am a month later and am anxiety ridden, depressed and feeing physically ill.

I know that this is completely rambling. Just like my mind is right now. Is this normal? I know that time heals all wounds.....but it's what you do with the time that counts....

I've set up appts with counselors, support groups, etc..... Am I doing the right things?

Is anyone out there that can relate?

[MartyT]

Dear one, the answer is yes ~ what you are experiencing is normal, and indeed, you are doing "all the right things" ~ but bear in mind that there is no right or wrong way to "do" this grief journey. There is only YOUR way, which you will discover for yourself, as you go along. The first few days and weeks usually are filled with all the logistics you describe: making all those decisions about and arrangements for the funeral. Nature has a way of shielding you from the harsh reality of loss during that time, and you might have felt like a robot functioning on automatic pilot. Eventually the initial shock and numbness wear off, however, and when that happens, it can feel as if you're being hit by a freight train.

Be patient with yourself. This is a process, not a single event.

I understand your concern for your father, but right now it's also important that you focus on good self-care, too, making sure that you get adequate hydration, nutrition, rest and exercise.

You've come to the right place, as we will walk with you on this journey, offering valid and reliable information, comfort and support. You are not alone, and I know you will find yourself feeling very welcome here. ♥

[enna]

I see Marty has replied to you while I was writing.

These are my thoughts:

The first thing I want to say is how very sorry I am for all you have been through and express my sincere sympathy for the loss of your mother.

You have come to the right place to write about your loss. It does help to write your thoughts down.

Everything you are feeling is normal. You are still in very raw grief. It takes a long time to come to turns with a loss. Grief work does not happen overnight. You have been through so much in such a short time. You will do what you feel is right. You need to care for yourself.

How is your Dad doing after his surgery and complications?

I am glad that you are going to seek grief counseling. This will help you sort out your feelings and help you to understand that what you are going through is normal grief.

Keeping you in my prayers.

Anne

[phoenixtag]

Marty, Anne-

Thank you so much for your responses. I was sitting here reading my blog over the phone to my sister in law and then read your two responses with a lot of tears and blubbering.

I really like the therapist I have and she mentioned support groups and scheduling time to grieve. But she was out of town this week and things just have kept getting worse. I really like Marty what you said about nature shielding reality of loss until it thinks it's time. Apparently my time has come.

Anne - it was a very difficult time for my dad with the c-diff. We're waiting for the results of a culture to see if the anti biotics took care of it. The hips are doing great.

Terry

[kayc]

Terry,

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in August, although I expected it for some time as she had dementia.

You are doing what you can and it takes time/effort to heal, even longer to get used to life without them. Four weeks isn't really that long a period. I think Marty's suggestion of focusing on self care is important.

[jame57]

Terry,

You have my deepest sympathy. Losing your mom is awful beyond words and you have have a tough journey ahead of you. You're amongst friends here who will help you and reassure you. Others have given you much better advice than I can but do take it one day at a time. It does help and makes the future a little less daunting. I'm ten months into my grief and I have to accept it will take a long, long time. Treat yourself kindly and remember you're grieving because you love them. You always will.

[Guest]

Terry, good morning.

It gets better. Don't let your mind tell you differently.

I lost my mom in 2010. She was the glue between us all, and it's apparent every holiday, every birthday, every wedding and birth. She's missing and we don't gather like we used to. I was trying to fill her space and be that glue for a while after she died, but now I'm just trying to hold myself together after the recent loss of our son.

But yes, it gets better. Your grief will soften over time, after you've done your grief work. It is work though, and you are doing the right things by getting counseling, reaching out here and elsewhere, and going through the motions and emotions. The tears must be shed, the memories waddled through, and the forgiveness of others and yourself needs to happen. It took me a long while to forgive my sister for her actions during my mom's sickness and final weeks. I am still working on my forgiveness of the people that have let me down since my son died, and going to grief counseling.

You've found the right place Terry. I brought these people my enormous problems, my wayward thoughts, my insecurities and my doubts about myself. They understood and encouraged me. They will for you as well. We will.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Mom's are God's gift to us as the one person that loves us unconditionally, supports us without judgment, has our backs no matter what we do, and forgives us our faults from birth onward. They love every bit of us, and it feels so lonely the moment they are not here, either through death or illness. I still have my daddy also. He does what dad's do. But it's not the same thing. He's half of the whole that I'm used to, and he's changed a lot since mom died. Her illness was so long and so painful on the both of them, so his changes are expected.

I will say a prayer for you right now and hope that you find what you need. There's no reward for speed, so take it slowly and turn over every single stone that you need to. Toss a few if you must. Your mom wants you to have a healthy, happy, fulfilling life! I know, because I'm a mom, and seeing our kids happy is the only thing we ever really want.

Cindy