Lost My Grandma Yesterday

[sjg333]

The title is pretty self explanatory...

My grandma was suffering from cancer and was told no treatment would help, for the last month or so she's been in a hospital bed at home (her choice instead of hospice).... For the last week she didn't wake up at all but was still breathing which nobody could understand why she was 'hanging on', anyway, yesterday morning it happened....

I didn't cry, I still haven't, and I feel really guilty! I've never lost anybody before, even when my grandad came over today and was teary ... I didn't cry! I'm guessing it will hit me at the funeral, but I feel like such a terrible granddaughter right now!

[kayc]

Oh Hon, you are not a terrible granddaughter! We don't have any control over whether tears come or don't. Tears are like a release valve on the pressure cooker of our grief, without which we sometimes feel we might blow. But they are not a measure of our loss or our grief. You love your grandma and will miss her, and tears will come in their own due time. Sometimes right at first we're numb or in shock, try not to judge yourself. Right now you need to be very understanding of yourself, you've just been through a tremendous blow, whether it's sunk in yet or not. My mom didn't cry when my dad died, not even at his funeral, but that doesn't mean she didn't love him and miss him the next 33 years without him. We all handle grief differently, try not to compare yourself to others and take the "should" out of your expectation.

Sometimes even when we know it's for the best that they're released from their suffering, it's still hard to handle. We feel guilty for being relieved for their sake and we feel guilty for wanting to hang on to them in light of their suffering! It's really not a good situation to be in.

My heart goes out to you in your loss of your grandma.

[sjg333]

Thank you, I have heard that some people initially don't cry when they lose someone but I'm generally a really sensitive and emotional person anyway so kind of shocked at myself!

Also someone on my Facebook posted that their cat had been hit by a car and died last night and I felt such sadness for them.... That I haven't even felt yet for my own grandma! Do you know what I mean? I feel awful!! I thought I would feel SOMETHING but I feel like I did last week when she was still here :/

[kayc]

It just hasn't sunk in yet, that's normal. Try to accept your feelings for what they are. Remember, feelings are not good barometers of anything, they are more something to be gotten through, at least that's how I look at them. You know you have strong love for your grandma...otherwise you wouldn't even be concerned about it. Sometimes our bodies shield us until such time as we are better able to handle it.

[MartyT]

My dear, when you've had little or no experience with death and the loss of someone dearly loved, it's completely understandable that you're feeling as you describe. It's as if you've been dropped into a foreign country without a map, and where you don't even know the language. No wonder you feel lost.

It may help to do a bit of reading about what is normal in grief, so you'll feel less alone and have a better understanding of what you may be feeling. See, for example, Coping with Sorrow in Grief

Kay is absolutely right about this numbness thing ~ It's a state of shock and numbness that often happens immediately following a death ~ and you might think of it as Nature's way of cushioning the blow. It's what enables families to get through all the activities that normally follow a death in the family without falling apart, such as planning a funeral or memorial service. Like everything else in grief, this feeling of numbness will change, and there will be plenty of time for you to mourn the death of your grandmother.

Meanwhile, know that you've found your way to a warm and caring place, filled with others who've been right where you are now. If you are willing to let us walk with you, we will be your guides on this journey, and you will not be alone.