Losing My Father.

[Shtangist]

I found this place by accident and would like to get this off my chest. It may seem extreme in parts, but I wrote it while influenced by strong emotions.

I lost my dad when I was 18 months old. He was brutally murdered. My life and my mother’s was turned upside down. If he had lived, I would have been the son of a millionaire. Instead, we had to flee our country as the same men who killed my father were searching for his money and thought my mother knew where it was. They kidnapped my mother and threatened my life. We left with nothing and have lived in poor areas in the new country ever since.

Up until I was around 14, I was told that he died in a car accident. My mother later told me the truth and I later read newspapers from my old country which confirmed everything. I ended up repressing my emotions and acting out by misbehaving in school, fighting in and outside of school, hanging around with bad kids, and generally being a complete waste of space.

I had no father figure, other than my granddad who lived in another country, so I started looking up to men in my environment, who were not good role models to say the least. My mother later married a man in the new country, purely for the fact that we'd be allowed to stay in the country, as otherwise we would have been sent back. He had two sons already. The family dynamic was poisonous and fighting, both physical and mental, was commonplace. I never respected my step-father.

From the age of 17 to around 20, I went through a phase of drug use, partying, and general debauchery, which meant my studies were neglected.

I'm 23 now and I'm working on going back to school. Most days I think about my father, even though I have no living memories. All I know about him is what I've been told by others or have seen on photographs. I would give anything to just spend an hour with him to do typical father and son stuff. I would love to hear his voice and spend time talking and laughing, but alas it will never happen. I feel like my life has been stolen.

The men who killed him were his friends from childhood. He was shot from behind because his killer was too frightened to face him physically or to shoot him from the front. Perhaps he had some reluctance about murdering a childhood friend. Though my dad was a boxer and a weightlifter in the military and would have beat the man who shot him into a pulp. According to the newspapers, my dad tried to fight back after being shot, but was shot several times more and collapsed. His body was then dumped into a barrel of acid and then buried in a forest somewhere. I won't lie, I often think about revenge.

The men responsible were not imprisoned until 2009 as it required the police force from another city to reopen the case. The police from the city were all bought and paid for. I'm considering going to see the man who killed him in prison. I would like him to reveal where they hid his body, he was killed in 1993 and his body has still not been found. They refuse to reveal where they buried it. Maybe seeing the man who killed him in person will allow me to move on with my life. I would love to give him a proper burial, next to his father.

This is the first time I've revealed this to anyone and it definitely felt good getting it off my chest. I don't have anyone in real life to talk to about this, and as a man, I'm reluctant to display this side of me to others. Most people probably won't believe me, but here I am anonymous so it won't make a difference.

Two of my favorite pictures.

[kayc]

I am so sorry someone stole your father and your life you never got to live. It goes to show that being rich is not always a good thing, in this case I assume that's what cost his life and ripped your family apart. I wouldn't assume you'll get answers from the cowardly Judas in prison. He may not be allowed to see you and even if he is, may not agree to. If you do see him, he may not provide the answers you search for, however, it may help bring you closure.

With such complicated grief, I would see a grief counselor. I think they alone would best be equipped to guide you through all of the emotions and everything you've had to deal with, they could help you understand some things about yourself that may be hard to figure out on your own.

I hope you'll continue to come here and post when you want to, it helps to get it off your chest and express yourself, and to know you've been heard.

I'm sure Marty will be along here shortly to provide you some helpful information. She's our resident grief counselor and has a vast pool of information.

[MartyT]

My friend, I'm afraid I can only echo what Kay has said to you already, and that is to say how sorry I am to learn your tragic story ~ and to support entirely her suggestion that you find yourself a qualified, licensed and professional therapist or counselor who specializes in grief and loss. Yours is an example of chronic, delayed grief, but that does not mean that it's not important enough to be addressed, or that it cannot be resolved. Unresolved grief can eat you alive ~ but the good news is that it's never too late to deal with it. See, for example, Voices of Experience: Delayed Grief, including the Related Articles listed at the base of the essay. I can only hope and pray that you will follow Kay's wise advice, and I wish you all the best in your journey. Meanwhile, know that you are most welcome here, and all of us stand ready to be with you, to walk with you, and to guide you in any way we can as you travel on this path. ♥

[Guest]

Delayed grief. That's a term I only recently learned but identify with now. There's so much to learn. I agree that a grief counselor will help you in more ways than you know. I applaud you for you coming out of such a childhood into manhood with the will to improve, to succeed, and to live life fully. You will. I believe in you.

Please start a journal with your memories, your life experiences and your journey through this grief. You will someday share each of these stepping stones with someone in need, or with your own children and grandchildren. Your father's life didn't just end. You are his legacy and can tell his story to the next generations. When you are ready to share it, it will be gladly accepted by so many people. His story of loss, your mom's story of survival, and your story of rising from the ashes of it all are all yours. And the world will benefit from them, not judge you and make assumptions about you. (well, a few jerks might, but the world will always have jerks). If you don't believe me, look at Barack Obama's life story. Look at Eminem's story. Their success came from grief and strife. Yours can too.

But first things first. Buy a journal and start writing notes. Get a counselor and begin healing. Post here and realize you aren't alone.

[sgtkelly3]

Shtangist,

Thank you for sharing. I lost my father when I was 2-years-old. He was a sergeant in the local police force who died in the line of duty.

You mention something that struck a cord with me -- as a man being afraid to display a side of you. I wrestle with that a lot too. I feel like I always need to have my emotions under control. That I always need to seem cool and happy, like nothing bothers me.

Things started changing for me this year when I started seeing a therapist once a week and got involved in the ManKind Project. Both have changed my life for the better as I learn to properly heal and start feeling small glimmers of hope.

Take care of yourself,

-David