My Parents Died Two Days Apart

[Bianca]

Hello.

I don't really know what I'm doing here or what I'm looking to gain from this site.

Ten months ago my almost father in law died. Two weeks later my dad died. Two days later my mom died. A month after that my aunt died.

My dad had a heart stuck in Walgreens and died on the spot.

I was my mothers caretaker; her and my were not together and hadn't been since I was a child. My aunt was her caretaker when I was at work but she was sick as well so I kinda took care of them both.

My mom had COPD. She died because the transitional care unit I placed her in neglected her - 24 hours after she arrived there. She was left Alone covered in her own feces and urine. She has called me - I still have the voicemail and asked me to call her. Said it was very important. I honestly don't remember if I actually spoke to her on the phone that day. I was looking at apartments with my fiancé because I wanted to put her in a permanent housing program as it was getting too hard to care for her.

The night before she died, my fiancé and I were hanging out in her TCU room, laughing and sharing stories about my dad. She was being funny and it was a nice visit. She was mad I didn't bring the dog up there. I had forgotten her Bipap, supposedly they didn't have one there but she told me she'd be fine for one night and not to worry about it.

You see, she was bed ridden, unable to use the bathroom on her own, Bipap dependent and completely unable to fend for herself. We were arguing because she waned to continue living with me and I wanted to live with my fiancé (then boyfriend). She was in ICU the day my dad died because the regular units of the hospital wouldn't accept a bill dependent patient. Nonetheless, as much as she fought it, I sent her to a TCU to get "stronger" and so I could Grieve for my father.

When I arrived at the TCU the next day, jimmy johns and Bipap in hand,it was like a different person. Her pupils were the size of saucers. Her hair was sticking up like Einstein's. Her hospital gown was half off and her breath were exposed. Her breakfast tray was sitting there, untouched.

I told her we were going back to the hospital. She said "noooo". I immediately put her Bipap on her. She was a Co2 retainer so I thought her gases had spiked. Almost instantaneously, her eyes rolled back and she vomited in her mask. I hesitated for a couple seconds before getting the mask off of her. I sent my Fiance To get help so they could do the suction probe and remove all the vomit.

He came back minutes later Saying the nurse wouldn't get off the phone. I ran down the hall to get the nurse - thinking my bf didn't explain the severity of the situation. She put her hand in my face and told me she was one the phone.

I called 911. They tranported her to the hospital - lights and sirens and I broke every traffic law following behind them. I called my whole family on the way there.

At the hospital, she began to stabilize. They decided to clean her up as she was still laying is excrement. When they rolled her over to wash her and the vomit moved into her lungs. She died a few moments later of accute onset phenomena.

I didn't bring the dog. She didn't get to say goodbye to him. I wish I would've went home and got bipap for her. I wish I could change everything!

I buried my father that Friday and my mother that Sunday.

A month later - I buried my aunt. Her son Was taking care of her. There were militating circumstances but she died of prescription pill overdose when her son was hunting. I was supposed to check in on her but I didn't. I had forgotten. We had spoke about it 2-3 weeks before but they didn't remind me and I was so wrapped up in my own grief.

The rest of my family doesn't talk to me anymore. I don't have brothers or sisters and wasn't close at all with my dads family. I thought I was close with my moms family but now I realize the only things I ever talked to them about was my mom...

I am 28 and completely alone. The grief is getting better but i have crying spells and residual guilt. I think the crying spells and depression bought are bothering my fiancé.

I am getting married but I have no family to invite / walk me down the aisle. The thought of being so alone on what should be the happiest day of my life makes me not want to proceed.

[kayc]

It would be good if you could get in to a grief counselor as soon as possible, and you might talk to him/her about including your fiance in in a session so he can have an understanding what you've been through, how to help you through it, and that your responses and feelings are very normal. You have been through a helluva lot! I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and father and aunt, and your would be FIL. That is way too much for all at once!

It is common to feel guilt after loss, and we tend to be rough on ourselves with our coulda/would thinking. I hope you can lighten up on yourself and realize you are only human and you've been through a whole lot of trauma for one so young. It's very important as we go through grief that we be understanding, gentle, and patient with ourselves, just as we would any loved one. You had a very full plate and it's hard to do everything perfectly when we're stretched so thin, especially when so much emotion is involved.

So many times we don't get to say goodbye when we want to, but one good thing is the person dying usually doesn't know "this is it" for sure so they aren't aware they didn't get to say goodbye. Another thing, I would imagine even if they did know "this is it" their thoughts are taken with the transition to the next phase and their concern for those they're leaving behind, that they'll be okay.

I am glad you have a fiance and a family to marry in to. Do you have a good friend or a friend of the family that can walk you down the aisle? Even a loving neighbor?

You said you don't know what you hope to get from coming here...it is very important to have a safe place to express yourself and you've found that place here. I hope you'll continue to come here and post.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[enna]

I am so very sorry for all the pain you are enduring. I agree with Kay that sitting with a good grief counselor is one way to help you with your grief.

You have had one loss after another and you will need to give each one of your losses time. We cannot lump all of our losses into one big one. It doesn't work. Taking time to grieve each loss will assure you of proper healing. I think most of us who have lost a loved one finds that a grief counselor can guide us on our path.

Anne

[Guest]

I agree too, grief counseling has helped me a lot. Being able to get out all of your thoughts in a safe environment is a tremendous relief to the brain and the soul. You aren't ever alone dear. God is with you always. Always.

One thing I learned is to stop irrational thoughts when I can. Like for your thought: "I think the crying spells and depression bought are bothering my fiancé." You might think this - and it may worry you and bother you a lot, but is it actually true? You may have to ask him to find out if it's true. If it is you can work on it. If it's not true - and he's just a little lost on knowing how to help you, then you can work on that instead. Figuring out what is true is the main thing. Stopping irrational thoughts has helped me in a big way. It's uncomfortable at first, but it works fast and relieves me of worries that I shouldn't have.

I'm so sorry for your losses. I know you are shuffling through a lot of pain and memories. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are not a doctor and could not have saved any one of them. It's not your fault for being human instead of super human. We all waste time thinking that we could have changed something, but in the end all we really could have done is prolonged the inevitable for moments, hours, maybe even days, but that is all.

Express your thoughts, no matter how strange they may feel, and I can almost promise you it's normal. Take your time, it's not a sprint, it's not a race.

[MartyT]

My dear, I can only add my voice to the wise advice you've received already from Kay, Anne and Cindy. I too am so very sorry for your losses, and I hope you'll not expect to manage all of this all by yourself ~ especially when you're also trying to focus on planning your wedding. As Kay said, this is way too much for all at once!

I also hope you will give yourself (and your fiance) some time to learn about what is normal in grief and what you can do to better understand and manage your own reactions. Read through some of the threads you will find in this forum, and see, for example, some of the articles listed on this page: Articles ♥

[BioLike]

That must be really hard to know that the staff where your Mom was didn't respond the way they should have. That is really awful. And you are young to have experienced so many deaths all in a short amount of time.

I went to a grief support group and that was really helpful. It was just for people who had lost parents. No matter what the exact story was, you could really see that we had plenty in common.

Sorry to hear about your losses. This is hard stuff, no doubt about it.