I Died That Day Too.

[bcb68]

My wife of 27 years died suddenly on February 19, 2015.

We met in high school, dated for two years then got married, she was 17 and I was 19. We raised three boys, identical twins and a singleton. They are grown now and out of the house. We have two grandsons ages 7 and 2.

We had so many plans for the future and then that morning she just did not wake up. I am no longer the person I was before that day. That version of me was happy, playful and hopeful. That version of me died with her. Now I just feel sorrow and anguish. Before, I was in control and focused. Now I am lost and aimless. Every day I put on my mask and pretend that I'm okay but I'm not. I don't sleep well, I force myself to stay awake as long as possible because I don't want to lie in bed without her. She was always there when I got in bed and now it is empty. I've grown to dread Thursdays, my regular day off, because she died on Thursday. I feel a constant hollow ache in my chest that never quite goes away. It lessens at times but it is always there.

Everything feels pointless right now, like I'm just wasting time waiting until it's my time to die. My family is close by and they are very supportive. My father-in-law is a hospice chaplain, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law invite me to dinner and bring me leftovers. (My wife, Denise, did everything for me and was a wonderful cook. I can only make two meals.) I used to read, play computer games and watch movies but now nothing can hold my attention that long. My father-in-law asked how I was doing and I told him it feels like the shine is gone from everything. I don't even really want to ride my motorcycle much and Denise and I used go for rides as often as possible.

I had always been in control of my emotions and now I have almost no control. Most of my thoughts and feelings seem so selfish and self-pitying and that makes me feel guilty. I feel sorrow for all the things she will not get to see and do, the things I won't be able to share with her, the things our grandchildren will miss because she is gone.

i'm trying to figure out who I am now that she is gone. I've been told that this is all part of it, it's normal. I know that I will eventually work through it. I just needed to put it down where someone else can see it. Someone who has been there and knows exactly how I feel and understands.

Sorry this has been so rambling and chaotic but that's how my thoughts are these days... they used to be so ordered. Thank you for letting me get this out.

Brian

[Froggie4635]

Dear Brian,

You have made your way to a wonderful site. There are many here who can help you as you begin your grief journey. I lost my husband,Mark Dec. 4, to a heart attack. Sudden loss is hard because there was no chance to say goodbye. I lost him also on a Thursday, and each Thursday hurts my heart. I still have the sight of him on the floor being worked on, and the doctor who pronounced him is still vivid in my mind. I am lucky to have many supportive people around...it does help. Everything that you have posted is very normal. The advice I got from my grief counselor was one step at a time, and just breathe. I know all about the brave face, and being "okay". Feel your feelings when you have them, take care of yourself and let others do things for you. I send you an understanding hug.

[enna]

Dear Brian, I am so very sorry that you have lost your beloved Denise. I feel the utter pain in your words and wish I could take that pain away, but I can’t.

You are describing those early days and months of grief. Of course, you are feeling that everything is pointless right now for you have suffered a great tragedy.

I am glad that you are here but not for the reason that brought you here but because this place is filled with caring people just as Mary Ann says.

It is okay to feel just as you are feeling right now. You do not have to pretend or apologize. Allow the feelings and try not to feel guilty. Those around you will be there for you. We here will be here to listen.

I am coming up to the third year of the death of my Jim on the 25^th of this month and I assure you that the pain does lighten as you learn to live your new life. I thought my world was over but as you see I am here and after a great deal of grief work I am consoled by all the beautiful memories we had over the forty years we were married. My family and grandchildren keep me grounded as will yours.

Visit here and share your journey with us. Writing is one of the tools that helps.

Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Brian

Like Anne I lost my beloved husband three years ago . He was everything that mattered to me. Like Anne I have somehow survived and I'm sure you will too helped by your family. I feel gratitude for the many years I shared with my Pete and there would never have been enough. I understand totally that everything seems pointless to you now. I think all you can do is let the feelings be as they are, don't judge them, try to live one day at a time, and keep posting here. You will find that we all understand though evryone's loss is different. It helps to share and I don't know how I would have managed without this wonderful site. Jan (in England)

[iPraiseHim]

Brian, My wife of 25 years died three days before yours. My wife's presence in my life made me the happiest man in my world. I miss her presence so bad. we didn't meet each other until almost 33 yrs old, but what a great, happy and lovely life together. I'm on the same wave as you, just a little different boat. I don't have any answers. All I know is to come here shed my thoughts and tears, learn to take care of myself each day( especially when I don't want to) and move forward each day. My life without my precious wife is still a void. The pain is so raw and real. I know to love deeply , (we who are left behind) will grieve deeply. I don't see any goodness in this pain, but people tell me here, somehow life will somehow be able to cope better. I just come , listen, read , and share when I am able. I'll be praying for you to find your way through. Shalom

[kayc]

Brian,

I'm sorry you lost your wife, you'e both too young to go through this. My husband had just had his 51st birthday when he died, it's been nearly ten years ago. I've gotten used to living alone but you're right, it lacks luster without that special person you shared everything in life with, including your heart.

I hope you'll continue to post here, it helps to know you're heard and understood and not alone.

[mittam99]

Brian, first of all, my condolences. I lost my beloved wife Tammy on March 6th of this year. Everything that you posted resonates with me. This is all part of the grief journey. It's certainly the hardest journey any of us will ever take. You've lost the love of your life, your reason for happiness... this is life changing in every way. Don't worry about "controlling your emotions", this is a time to grieve. The guilt, the overwhelming sadness for the future that will never be... that's all a normal (not that anything feels "normal" right now) part of this. This site will be a blessing for you, I promise you that. Post here anytime you want.

[bcb68]

I know you'd say "Don't cry for me,

I'm in Heaven with my King.

We filled our life with love and joy,

Now don't regret a thing."

Our dreams have all been broken

I'm left only memories.

Tasks unfinished and words unspoken

Can bring me to my knees.

The measure of the love we shared

Is reflected by my pain.

I cry myself to sleep each night

Until we meet again.

These tears are mine and mine alone

For I know just what I've lost.

Though freely given, love has a price

And with each tear I pay the cost.

[bcb68]

I would like to thank everyone for their kind responses.

Today was a tough one. I will keep going. I just tell myself "God has a plan. I don't need to understand it. I don't have to like this part of it. God has a plan that is bigger than me and this is a necessary part of it. He knows what He is doing and he has not forgotten me. God has a plan."

[feralfae]

Dear Brian,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know how unbearable the pain can feel in the early days, and how lost and disoriented we can feel without our beloved. My Doug has been gone more than three years now, and yet in many ways, he is still at the center of my life. I know you must be in a fog of grief right now.

Right now, it is important that you take very good care of your health. Eat well. Sleep as often as you can. Stay fully hydrated. Grief is hard work, and tears are dehydrating. You need more rest, lots of water, fresh fruits and vegetables, and time to pray, meditate, and write in your journal. Be as compassionate and caring of yourself as you can be. I am glad you have family to share meals. Having supportive people around is a true gift for helping to comfort our broken hearts.

I am glad you have found your way here, although I am so very sorry that you have arrived because of your loss. Healing takes time, and the journey as well as the time it takes are different for everyone. Be patient and loving with yourself. Take good care of yourself. Have a physical to make sure there are no overlooked medical issues which can result from grief. I hope you find a good grief counselor and perhaps a support group when you are ready.

Peace to your heart, and many blessings,

feralfae

[kayc]

Brian,

fae's given some sound advice. It's hard to remember to breathe in the early days, let alone take care of ourselves, we have to make a conscious effort to do so and it's important because it gives us our optimum chance for getting through what we must.

I hope you'll take some time to browse through the threads here, it's good to hear others voice what you're experiencing so you know you're not alone or crazy in all that you're feeling.

You're right, you don't have to like this. (((hugs)))

[bcb68]

I am currently feeling confused and anxious. From reading other posts I know this is part of it but it has me worried about my ability to perform my job.

I am questioning my decision making process and seem to have lost confidence in myself. I am a pharmacist and constantly worry that I have made a mistake that could harm someone or that I have failed to follow a procedure and could lose my job. Even small things like making sure the techs have prepared the supplies for the next day before leaving at night can cause me to feel panic. I keep forgetting things such as I can read an e-mail with a task on it but then I can't remember the specifics of how to go about it. I may find out I have completed the task but not in the exact manner it was intended to be done.

I second guess even small decisions and then later worry that I have done something wrong. I am off work this week and still have this constant fear that won't go away.

When someone asks how I am doing I say "I'm okay" or "I'm getting by" because I don't want to be a bother or cause problems for others but I can't convince myself that it's true. Should I find a grief counselor or speak to my supervisor to express my concerns?

[MartyT]

Brian, my dear, you know your supervisor better than I do, but I would hope that sharing your concerns with him or her would garner that person's respect and admiration.

As you say, making a mistake in your profession could cause harm to someone else, and sharing your concerns only demonstrates that you are a responsible, conscientious and ethical individual who puts the safety of your patrons first. Perhaps the two of you could come up with a plan whereby your responsibilities could be lessened, or your duties monitored by a fellow pharmacist for a reasonable period of time.

I also think that seeing a qualified grief counselor is a good idea, as it will give you a safe place to take and to process your grief ~ and it will assure your supervisor that you are doing all you can to take good and responsible care of yourself.

What you are describing are NORMAL reactions to the sudden, unexpected death of your wife of 27 years ~ I hope your supervisor understands that, and I hope that you do, too. You are not "crazy" or "weak" ~ and you owe it to yourself to get all the support and understanding you need and deserve. A few face-to-face sessions with a grief counselor can give you that.

[feralfae]

Brian,

I do hope you can discuss this with your supervisor. Perhaps your company has a program in place for bereavement assistance, in the form of grief counseling and fill-in pharmacists who offer their compassion through taking the shifts of others who need time for extraordinary circumstances. The loss of a spouse is one of these circumstances. Some companies offer compassionate leave, of course. Your standard medical insurance may cover some grief counseling.

You are a wonderfully self-aware person to grasp not only your emotional situation, but how it could impede your competence. A true caring professional.

As you are also aware, because your body keeps sending those emotional signals, your confusion and emotional flows are both strong signals to slow down, meditate more, and take a lot more time for yourself.

Now is the time to take care of yourself as you begin the long journey back to stability and balance, if not the same wholeness you shared with your wife. Right now, you need to reach out for as much support as you can from those around you, and continue to care for yourself on your physical and emotional levels, as well as your spiritual one. I think you are doing a good job of listening to your heart, and that is the healthiest thing you can do.

My prayers and good wishes are with you, as well as all of it sprinkled as *<fairy dust>* because we all need some, sometimes.

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

[kayc]

When I went back to work after two weeks "bereavement" period, I too was afraid of making mistakes. Since I worked for a place that made military airplane parts to mil-spec, it required perfection, and a mistake could cost a plane going down and great repercussions. I asked my boss to keep an eye out for me and doublecheck me for a while and he was wonderful to do so. The "fog" does lift, but at first it's really hard to think straight.

[bcb68]

Today I ride the waves. Up and down repeatedly. Today is Denise's 45th birthday. I am sad to be separated from her but we are going to celebrate her life over dinner tonight. Denise lived to serve others and always put others first. She was the most generous and giving person I have ever known. I feel privileged to have been a part of her life. I feel blessed that she chose to share her life with me. Today I choose not to dwell on what I don't have but to remember all the good things she did.

Denise was a gestational surrogate not once but twice. She provided two couples, strangers she had never met, the opportunity to become a family and have a child. I supported her decision to do this both times but it was her giving spirit that made it happen. I cannot imagine a greater gift one human being could give another.

Today will have ups and downs. I choose to focus on the ups. Today is about the impact she had on this world and the people in it. She was not a genius nor a business tycoon. She was not famous nor a celebrity but she made a difference in the lives of the people she knew. No one will ever write the story of her life but the people who knew her will remember her as long as they live. I will pass those memories on to my grandchildren and great-grandchildren so that they know they are descended from a wonderful, caring individual.

Today I choose to have a "good" day.

[KATPILOT]

Good for you bcb. I hope you have a good evening. I too go out on my wife's birthday and celebrate....perhaps she might be tagging along but the point is to honor them and their day. Did you ever think of actually writing the story of her life yourself? It actually might be a feel good thing. If nothing else, it would be such a find for your grandchildren to read one day not to mention a host of others. Just a thought. She sounds like an awesome lady from what you have shared with us.

[kayc]

Good for you, and I hope your celebration goes well. It's Mitch's Tammy's birthday today too. And my dad's, who's long gone. I like your spirit!