Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

So...so Many Questions


Amy Wamy

Recommended Posts

I'm having one of those moments where I just need to type something down, especially as you're all great listeners :-)

So, earlier this month (I think, or the end of April...one of the two!) I finished going to counselling. I had been going since January, and me even using the past-tense word going, is something unusual for me to have done anyway! So yes, I pushed myself and went to see a counsellor, she wasn't a grief specific counsellor, but I went for over 4 months - where on earth did all that time go?! Now that I've finished, I've been often thinking to myself how I think it went and what I got out of it. The conclusion I've come to is that it's left me feeling like I expected more from her. Is that right? I went in there assuming that the counsellor was going to "break me down" to my true feelings of whatever has happened in my life. Before each session, I was waiting for that to happen, but it never did. I mean, it was nice to talk to someone who wasn't going to judge you, but also give you a somewhat decent reply, I am just not sure I gained anything from it. I suppose I feel a bit clearer because of it, but nothing life-changing.

A few sessions before the last one, she put across the idea that I should go to one of the group sessions. Me. Talking about my life experiences to a group of people. It's probably one of the most anxiety-provoking, scary situations that has ever been asked of me. I informed her of how this is just completely out of my comfort zone, but she just left the idea there for me to think about - something I'm doing now. Would that help me? Gently tearing my very sturdy walls down, in front of a group? Why would any of them really care what I have to say? I mean, they'd all probably give the same response: "It must have been so hard!"...."I'm so sorry to hear about that". I just think that what I have to say wouldn't matter to anyone that doesn't know me, why should it? None of my friends ask me how I'm really feeling. They never mention it - possibly because they know I don't want to discuss it...that would be accurate.

Yesterday was my Mothers birthday. This will be the 7th year since she had died. I've now decided to not celebrate Mothers Day at all, or my Mother birthday. They are just normal days, but I have nothing to do with them. Why should I? Is it wrong to just eradicate them from my life altogether? Does that make me heartless? Probably, in other peoples eyes it does. I just want to avoid it forever. Never discuss it again because it's uncomfortable. Maybe it's my elephant in the room that will never leave. Maybe one day, I will feel the "ton of bricks" fall on top of me due to avoiding everything to do with this death.

I had to rant. Apologies! If you want to reply, go ahead. Thanks for reading if you did.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Amy, my dear, I think deciding to participate in a grief support group is not unlike your decision to enter individual counseling. As I recall, you were quite reluctant to try that, too. You cannot know what it's like or how it feels to be in a support group unless and until you're willing to give it a try. But consider this: In the time you spent together, your counselor came to know you quite well, I would assume, and I doubt that she would have suggested group sessions unless she thought they would be of benefit to you.

I have facilitated hundreds of grief support groups over the years, and I can tell you that they can be marvelous tools in a person's healing. As for talking about yourself to a group of people you do not know, remember that in a group like this, the participants are all bound by the common experience of loss, and in the beginning of any group, just about everyone there will be feeling just as uncertain and just as reluctant to participate as everyone else would feel. If you have a qualified and experienced group leader, he or she will know how to make you feel safe and welcome and comfortable. (Look how you have felt here, among THIS group of "strangers," talking about your life experiences! The more you came to "know" us, the safer you felt to share the details of your own story.)

You may find this article helpful ~ and be sure to see the Related Articles at the base as well: Grief Support Groups: What Are The Benefits?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Marty,

If going to see this counsellor barely helped anything, how will going to a group meeting help? Also, it's a group of University students with different problems like depression, loss, anxiety etc. I also don't feel like I should tell other people, I mean why would it matter to any of them? I know what's happened to me isn't something minuscule, but I feel it's something that can be tucked away. Maybe in a few more years I'll feel differently, but then again it's been quite a long time anyway since I lost my Mother. After all, time is a great healer? I've adapted over the years, even though many conversations may be awkward if they are on the topic of parents.

Sharing my experiences on this forum is very different, for me, to sharing them in real life. Face to face. Typing posts on here is very easy, doesn't affect me at all, I guess I can disconnect from what I'm typing, but not so much when I'm actually speaking.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

From what you've said, Amy, it doesn't seem as if you "got" what you expected from working with your counselor. I'm not sure what you mean by "breaking down to my true feelings." Does this mean that you were not completely open with her, or that you didn't feel safe enough to be honest with her about what you were / are "truly" feeling? Counseling is only as effective as what both the client and the counselor are willing and able to put into it. If you held back what you were truly feeling, I'm not sure what you expected your counselor to do about that.

In any event, if you feel safe in sharing what's going on with you here, and if that feels like enough for you, by all means please continue to do it ~ but I'm still not sure what it is that you are seeking.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You know, thinking now, I just went to see the counsellor just to see what it was like. If it was like the other times I saw counsellors in school - that was awful. I'm not sure I actually had expectations, but I thought that counsellors make you open up, I mean that's what happened - or tried to happen - when I saw the counsellors at school in 2008. I've never been an open person, never one to share my feelings unless I absolutely felt comfortable doing so. Throughout my life, I've come to realise that I've always been pressured to do thing, to feel things, and the counsellor I just finished seeing, helped me to understand/realise that. It seems like i've gotten so used to that, I expect people to make decisions (not all) for me, and force me to open up. That's probably wrong, but maybe that's what has happened.

So, it seems that I really don't know what I want to get out of counselling. I mean from what you've just said, it's up to me as well. The counsellor is there to just help and give advice. If I was okay with the death now then I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't always been thinking about it.

I'm in that mindset now where I'm asking myself "what do I do now?! What DO I want?" I'm just not sure anymore.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Precisely, Amy.

My advice? Sit with your questions for a while. Ponder them. Give them some very serious thought, and a sufficient amount of time.

As you've said so eloquently: "If I was okay with the death now I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't always been thinking about it."

And the most important question of all, "What DO I want?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My first night at counseling I was presented with the question "what do you expect to get out of this counseling?"

I had to force myself to list 2 goals. It wasn't easy of course. But I did do that and we work together towards those 2 goals and meet many challenges on the way that I didn't realize needed attention. I'm only 2 months into counseling and only 4 months new to the loss of my son. But my mother and mother-in-law (and both of my grandmothers) have all died in the last 5 years. Loosing mom was the hardest thing ever, until now. I still find myself grieving for her almost daily, but missing her counsel and unconditional love is what I miss most. I wish that she had written more. I indeed had the best role model anyone could ask for though, and to God I am eternally grateful for that.

But, onto your position Amy. I am inclined to feel that your counselor didn't dig deep enough, and that her recommendation for group counseling should have steered you towards a grief group, not a general group. The thing that I find best about group meetings is the ability to ask the questions, out loud, that confound non-grievers and may make them think we are crazy. But when you ask them in this setting many of the participants fully understand, and have solutions they've found. For instance, I had asked my group a few weeks ago why was I holding onto some dirty clothes of my son's... for the smell... and that's ok. And I asked how to get through the grocery store without crying and leaving, and the answer was to shop late, or just stay on the outside lanes and follow a list, or wear headphones and listen to music about something completely off topic - like an audio book. (I eventually faced this issue head on and picked up every item that I wanted to buy for my son, held it, thought about it fully, then put it back on the shelf. So I cried over spagettios, so what... I can shop now and that's what matters.) What other group of people would be able to understand dirty socks and grocery shopping delimma's? They not only understood, they had also done the same.

After loosing my mom, one of my sons gained over 60 pounds in just a few months. He didn't dig deep enough. I saw lots of these examples throughout our family, as she was the center of us all, on purpose. We lost our center, and we all grieved differently. For the ones that didn't dig deep - I saw anguish that popped up in many forms, and I still do. So no matter what you do, keep working on your journey Until you've gotten out all of the tears that need to be shed, and told each person that 'has it coming' exactly what you need to say to them; even if it's God, or the dog.. tell them. You'll know when you're done, and I don't think, personally, that you are yet. But I can tell you that you are wise. Wise enough to know that you aren't finished yet, and that's huge, because you want closure, you want growth, you want peace in your heart.

If a new counselor, or a group meeting aren't going to happen, then by all means become a writer. Share it - or don't. No matter... as long as you do it consistently and honestly you will grow and peace will come.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wise advice, Cindy, and I thank you for sharing. Your post reminds me of the Chinese proverb: To know the road ahead, ask those who are coming back.

As for "digging deep enough," I must say this: While it is true that a counselor or therapist is skilled and experienced in helping people feel safe enough to address whatever issues may have brought them into therapy in the first place, he or she can "dig" only as "deep" as the client is willing to go. Any effort to "force" someone to reveal what they want to keep buried or hidden will only be met with resistance on the part of the client. I think this is one of the greatest myths surrounding counseling or therapy, and it's probably a lot of what keeps some people away from or afraid to enter into a counseling or therapeutic relationship. Such "digging" would never happen with a qualified, licensed, certified counselor or therapist.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cindy,

I went to see the counsellor about one reason - losing my Mum. During the entire duration of the sessions we talked about that, my Father, and everything else. I didn't know, and still don't know, what I wanted to get out of it. I'm pretty sure it was to just see if it could help me at all, it did a little bit but not as much as I thought it would.

I suppose the counsellor i saw didn't "dig deep enough", but as Marty said, it depends on how resistant the client is. As much as we may want the counsellor to "dig deep", we really may not be ready for that.

That quote is profoundly true!

I'll just see where my road takes me. Thank you for your responses :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Amy, I took my own advice and wrote an email to a friend that 'had it coming'.. I told her exactly how she made me feel and why. It appears I needed to do that because she's left my dreams now and that's a relief. I have had repeated problem of grieving the loss of my friendships while trying to mourn my son. The two conflict terribly.

Be Well Amy. As well as you can. This journey feels long.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cindy,

Early on, I wrote scathing letters to many people. Fortunately, most of them I did not send. I would fold them up, often seal them in an envelope, toss them in the urn, and eventually, when I was ready, I burned them. There are still times when I write truly snarky notes, and then put them in my lidded big urn, which was wood-fired and seems to absorb a lot of my fiery anger.

You have every right to be very angry. And you have every right to articulate your anger. When the result of expressing our anger appropriately, as I think you tried to do, is the ending of that person or event in our dreams, then we are being very good healers of ourselves, and getting rid of negative energy and harmful emotional states. That was a very clear feedback!

You have had many losses close together. And many of them were at the central core of your support network. I am sorry you have had to bear loss after loss, and also the incredibly painful loss of your Matthew. I can only imagine how your heart must be broken, and how deep your grieving must go.

Peace to your Heart, dear one, and

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hope your friend can take and learn from her mistake, although it's probably doubtful. We understand that we don't know until we've been through it, but I know you've tried talking to her before and it didn't bring about any great change or understanding in her. In my estimation, you haven't lost anything by cutting off this "friend", and gained everything by voicing yourself and reclaiming your power by doing so!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Amy I want to ad my thoughts about counseling and support groups. First of all, let me explain that I have had a good share of experience with both counseling and group. There is a large difference between all of them. Sometimes I have found help, and other times, I didn't. Some of the time however I offered help back to others. There is a difference between support groups, and "grief" support groups. When you first stated your fear of anxiety in talking with a group, let me just say that my first time was so very hard. When it came my turn to speak, I began to come unglued and left it as just giving my name and the name of my wife whom I had lost. I just couldn't talk. Next time was different. Times after that, I watched new people come in and not be able to talk either. But when they were anguishing I felt such pain for them that I forgot my own for a bit. Group is just that! You get more out of it than just releasing your own pain. Many people in my group had lost a parent, some a child, but all were suffering with a grief. It didn't matter after a while if I spoke about my deep feelings. The box of kleenex was right there in front of me.

I can't speak to what you are going through because each person's grief is different and is their own. But we do share things that help each other. When my support group ended because it was offered for the first year, I was directed to this site. Here is where I can continue to learn, and grow, and to survive. I am back in group again after losing my step mom of 35 years who I was quite close to. Her death in January brought back all of the pain and as she died in hospice care, they kept calling me to let me know it was there for me. The truth is, I find myself giving knowledge of surviving grief while finding comfort too.

I do know that if we want to grow, we have to be honest with ourselves and that means being honest with a counselor as well. They are people, just like us and they can offer tools with knowledge and wisdom best if they know who you are.

I would think about looking for support groups that are specific to grief if you decide to go that route. Keep in mind, that you can leave any time you wish. If I find a knife dull, I grab a sharper one.

I do also want to say that as a man, I thought I was strong enough to get through my grief without any help. By the second month after losing my wife, I was on the floor.........The rest is as they say "history" I'm still not over it, but I am still standing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stephen, my dear, I just want to say how grateful I am that you are still with us, and still willing to add your voice to these discussions. We are fortunate to have many members I think of as "veteran experts" (as they've been with us for several years) ~ but most of them are women. It's so important that we understand how grief looks and feels from a man's perspective, and in your posts you are providing that for all of us. Your wisdom is hard-won. You are continuing to do your own grief work. You are sharing what you've learned along the way. We so appreciate your input. Thank you for being here for all of us!

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you Faralfae, that letter did help indeed. I have not thought about her nor had any anxiety over that loss since I wrote the email. I have since felt that it was too abrupt, but that's hindsight, and doesn't help things. My dreams are awful some night, but at least they aren't about her anymore. I would love to hear if others have had dream issues. I know we've all had friend issues.

Stephen, I find myself offering help as much as I do receiving help, in group grief sessions. My husband doesn't like them though, due to one chatty person that interrupts others often. So I now go without him then discuss anything insightful when I get home. I have made a new friend in the group, and that's a first for me. I do need new friends afterall.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes Cindy,

As we go along on this journey, imagine who we'll meet tomorrow. When we look into the eyes of one who grieves, we almost see ourselves. That is someone we can talk with and one day the conversation just might be about something not related to sorrow.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good morning,

I thank each of you for sharing what you've learned regarding support groups. Each one of you is helping others by writing what you know and feel. It feels good to help others as we receive help ourselves. I believe this is what God would have us do, for this is part of loving one another.

Blessings,

Carrie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...