Frustrated

[MissingMom]

My mother died on April 10, 2015 and while I'm a little better, I feel like I have a really long road ahead of me. I have all the classic grief symptoms: weight gain, increased alcohol use, trouble concentrating at work, trouble sleeping, difficulty finding the joy in life, crying at the drop of a hat, etc... It's been a tremendous struggle. As I begin this topic, I realize there are so many issues going on, I don't even know where to begin. First, I'm frustrated about the circumstances surrounding my Mom's death. She died from the radiation treatments, not from the lung cancer she was diagnosed with. Her death certificate actually says she died from "radiation pneumotitis" (sp?), but her radiation oncologist never stopped by the hospital during the six weeks she was in there dying from her treatments. I feel like they killed her with their drugs and treatments and there are no consequences for them; they just get paid a lot of money. I've read a lot of literature during the past six weeks about how there is a higher incidence of cancer treatments killing patients versus the cancer itself. Yes, I'm playing the "bargaining" game. What if we'd gone with a natural cancer treatment? What if we'd gotten a second opinion? I was the one who took my Mom to all her doctors' appointments when she was diagnosed with cancer and I'm the one who weeded through all the medical jargon to help her understand the suggested treatments. Of course, I feel guilty for leading her down the path that ultimately led to her death. Why didn't I question the treatments more? Why didn't I do more research on the ineffectiveness of chemo and radiation? She might still be here today ...

[Suitearia]

Hello from one new visitor to another one. I just lost my husband to prostate cancer on 5/1 and buried him 5/9. I am so new to grief myself but I wanted you to know that I had read your post and that I can feel your pain. I hope that knowing that someone heard and recognizes your pain and offered a virtual hug will help in some measure today.

I don't have any words of comfort for you because it's all too fresh for me myself. Have you tried walking to help reduce some of the anxiety and frustration you must be feeling?

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your mother, my dear, and my heart just hurts for you. Clearly you are a devoted daughter who did everything in your power to take good care of your mom, and now that she has died in spite of all your efforts, you are faced with all those unanswered ~ and unanswerable ~ "what if?" questions. I'm neither a physician nor an oncologist, so I cannot address your medical questions with any measure of authority ~ and I certainly don't presume to take away all the guilt you are feeling now. I do, however, think that you would do well to seek the support of a qualified grief therapist or counselor who could support you in processing some of that guilt you are carrying.

I invite you to take a look at this article (including the Related Articles you'll find listed at the end) to see if it speaks to you, in what I hope will be a helpful way: Guilt In The Wake Of A Parent's Death.

[MissingMom]

I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your mother, my dear, and my heart just hurts for you. Clearly you are a devoted daughter who did everything in your power to take good care of your mom, and now that she has died in spite of all your efforts, you are faced with all those unanswered ~ and unanswerable ~ "what if?" questions. I'm neither a physician nor an oncologist, so I cannot address your medical questions with any measure of authority ~ and I certainly don't presume to take away all the guilt you are feeling now. I do, however, think that you would do well to seek the support of a qualified grief therapist or counselor who could support you in processing some of that guilt you are carrying.

I invite you to take a look at this article (including the Related Articles you'll find listed at the end) to see if it speaks to you, in what I hope will be a helpful way: Guilt In The Wake Of A Parent's Death.

Thanks so much, Marty T, for your kind words and suggestion. I will certainly read the article you recommend and explore the counselor avenue.

[MissingMom]

Hello from one new visitor to another one. I just lost my husband to prostate cancer on 5/1 and buried him 5/9. I am so new to grief myself but I wanted you to know that I had read your post and that I can feel your pain. I hope that knowing that someone heard and recognizes your pain and offered a virtual hug will help in some measure today.

I don't have any words of comfort for you because it's all too fresh for me myself. Have you tried walking to help reduce some of the anxiety and frustration you must be feeling?

Hi Suzanne. Thanks for reaching out to me. It's comforting to know others are feeling similarly. I'm so very sorry to hear about your husband dying from prostate cancer. I imagine his death is a horrible loss for you and his other loved ones. My dad died suddenly of a heart attack in 1986 when I was 16, and I watched my mother struggle through his death. Losing your partner must be incredibly hard. I hope you are hanging in there. I'm offering you a big virtual hug back. You're right, I really should get back on the treadmill. I've been an avid treadmill walker most of my adult life and I haven't been walking since my Mom went into the hospital six weeks before she died, so I guess it's been about three months. I've gain some weight, but I just can't seem to make myself do it. When I get home from work, all I want to do is sit down and have a drink, which is probably the worst thing I could do! Anyway, thanks again for your caring words.

[Guest]

Hello, and welcome in, both of you.

Yes, walk, and yes, see a counselor. My grief counselor has helped me so much since my son died in January. So has group counseling. I wish that I had considered either, or both, after losing my mom in 2010. Instead I laid in bed for what seemed like a year. Two of my sons became depressed and I didn't even notice through my fog. Be kind to yourself, and seek help. It's the smartest thing to do.

(((hugs)))

Cindy

[kayc]

I am sorry for both of you in your pain. My mom died several months ago of Dementia but I don't feel there was anything we could do to stop it, we did everything within our power to help her. I did feel bad we weren't able to take her in because it would have required 24/7 and you have to have a back up person as you do need to sleep ocassionally. I've learned that guilt often has no basis, we feel it but given the circumstances, sometimes there aren't good other options available. It boils down to we wish we could have saved them and we wish they could still be here.

My dad died of a heart attack brought on by his radiation treatments for his skin cancer, it was pretty much all over. You're right, sometimes the "cure" is worse than the things it's supposed to be fixing.

[KATPILOT]

Guilt is one of the most common feelings in grief MissingMom . Those "what ifs" will get us every time. I hope you can get past that one soon because it is certainly unfounded. I always go back to the thought of what our loved ones would say to us about that emotion. Right? You must know how your mom would be feeling looking down on you right now. I'm thinking she is most grateful to be loved by you.

Suitearia I am sorry for your loss as well. I am glad you both found your way here and that is good advice about walking. I found that early in my grief's journey and it helps on so many levels.

We all need to remember this. We make the best decisions we can but still sometimes we lose. There is not one among us who would have not wanted success in fighting that demon that took our loved one.

For what it's worth, my guilt came from the fact that at the beginning of us becoming aware of the lump forming in Kathy's leg when the doctor said it was a rare cancer and the best hope for surviving would be to amputate her leg at the pelvic bone which she was not going to do......and that led to finding a second opinion at the Mayo where they said she could try a different route which could save all or part of that leg..........to being dead four months later. I wanted to go the amputation route but I backed her decision. I could have been more assertive but I wasn't. Yeah, I wore that one for a while but what good is guilt? It's an emotion that serves no purpose yet it hurts us even more than we already hurt.

[jame57]

So very sorry for your loss MissingMom. Guilt was a huge part of my grief earlier on and still creeps back in from time to time. It takes a long time but you've come to the most supportive site on the web. I'm still seeing a counsellor and it's 1 year later this month since my mum's passing. It's been the worst year of my life without a doubt but taking it one day at a time and even 1 hour at a time when things are really bad is the way. You clearly did everything you could for your dear mom and you did that because you love her. Grief comes because of that love and being separated from them. It's your own private hell really but as ctwilki says do be kind to yourself.

[Gigi-T]

My heart goes out to you, MissingMom. I am going through many of the same thoughts and feelings after I lost my dad five months ago. I also feel like the hospital let him die, even before he was put into Comfort Care. I did the research, but they wouldn't listen to the things I suggested -- they made mistakes that seem deliberate. They kept pushing hospice even before he got worse. I wish so much that I had gotten a second opinion before it was too late. It's so much the luck of the draw. Sometimes you get dedicated, even heroic, doctors and nurses, but more often you get ones that just don't seem to care about anything except the money. Since my dad wouldn't have a heart operation, they figured he wasn't profitable enough. One doctor said he might as well be a DNR and an ICU nurse said she didn't believe in prolonging life artificially on account of her religious beliefs. A hospitalist said he's been hospitalized for the same problem multiple times, he might as well go to hospice. I told her his quality of life was good between hospitalizations and he was getting better in some ways. He had beaten diabetes and peripheral arterial disease -- they need to try a different diuretic, but they wouldn't do it or switch him to a hospital that offers aquapheresis, a light form of dialysis. Then they had a "mixup" at the lab where they didn't give him a sputum culture but they kept giving him powerful last resort antibiotics that damaged his kidneys even further. They also gave him two pneumonia vaccines which probably overwhelmed his already stressed immune system. He had a massive heart attack a few hours later. A lady in the waiting room told me they tried to discharge her father with a perforated bowel! Something is terribly wrong with our health care system.

I cry every day now for my father. It's not just the guilt now, but the realization that I have lost the best friend I ever had and who I probably ever will have. I have been trying to make new friends and go out with relatives and old friends but it just emphasizes how much more happy I was with my dad than with anyone else. My fourth therapist tells me that I shouldn't feel guilty, because in the wheel of life our parents are only supposed to be one spoke, not the whole wheel, like my dad was to me. Well, he was like 90 percent of my life, which makes me feel as if I died with him. We were like one mind in two bodies, because he raised me to like everything he liked. In the last 14 years we were together almost 24/7. I am very grateful I had such a wonderful father, but the future ahead looks so bleak and colorless. I have been drinking more, something my father always frowned upon. I hardly ever went to bars while he was alive. I finally stopped drinking pisco sours, but now I like a cocktail called the Porch Light. I took a nice widow I met at the grief support group to the restaurant where they serve them and she had three of them like me! I was so worried, because she had to drive home. She seemed fine. She probably could drink me under the table, but now I feel like I'm a bad influence. How can I tell someone I hardly know not to drink another delicious cocktail without offending her? Especially when all she's trying to do is have a little happiness. She is devastated after she lost her husband of 30 years three years ago. She said the first year and a half were the worst and the grief support group helped her. She came back because some dear friends of hers passed away so she needed help again.

I don't have any advice that you haven't already received. A cab driver told me the other day (as Suitearia also suggested): "Get out and walk as much as you can, join a gym if you have to. Go and walk at a park, get close to nature." He used to be a personal trainer at a gym. This was the second time I talked with him. I also talked to a cab driver on the way home who said after he lost his house and his girlfriend (she's still alive), he cried every day for a whole year. Grief is the hardest thing in life. I read that the hardest thing about grief is actually allowing yourself to do it. The article I read is here:

http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/08/the-hardest-part-of-grieving/

As James said, grief is a private hell but we have to take it one day at a time or even 1 hour at a time sometimes. I wish you the very best.

[MissingMom]

Hello, and welcome in, both of you.

Yes, walk, and yes, see a counselor. My grief counselor has helped me so much since my son died in January. So has group counseling. I wish that I had considered either, or both, after losing my mom in 2010. Instead I laid in bed for what seemed like a year. Two of my sons became depressed and I didn't even notice through my fog. Be kind to yourself, and seek help. It's the smartest thing to do.

(((hugs)))

Cindy

Hi Cindy. Thanks for responding to my post, and thanks for the advice from someone whose been through the same thing. You've made me think ... I don't want to miss anything that might be going on with my kids while I'm in this grief-caused depression fog. I've looked into the counselor thing, but I haven't taken the step of actually making an appointment. I used all my "leave" time at work caring for my mom so I'd have to take time away from home life to see a counselor. I know it's important, but I work full time and feel like I'm away from my kids so much already. It's a struggle. So very sorry to hear of the loss of your son and mother. Thanks for your hugs, back at you

[MissingMom]

I am sorry for both of you in your pain. My mom died several months ago of Dementia but I don't feel there was anything we could do to stop it, we did everything within our power to help her. I did feel bad we weren't able to take her in because it would have required 24/7 and you have to have a back up person as you do need to sleep ocassionally. I've learned that guilt often has no basis, we feel it but given the circumstances, sometimes there aren't good other options available. It boils down to we wish we could have saved them and we wish they could still be here.

My dad died of a heart attack brought on by his radiation treatments for his skin cancer, it was pretty much all over. You're right, sometimes the "cure" is worse than the things it's supposed to be fixing.

Thank you for your nice words. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom dying of Dementia. My Nannie suffered from the same illness and it was very tough at the end. I feel for you and your family. You're right; there was absolutely nothing you could do to stop it from progressing, and I bet deep down your mom was so grateful to have you in her life. I had the argument with myself many times about taking my mom in too, but ultimately, she wouldn't move in with me because she knew I couldn't care for her 24/7 ... I had to sleep and go to work, etc... as you did. And you are so right ... I wish I could have somehow saved her and I wish she was still here with us. The situation with your dad's heart attack sounds really sad. I bet that was really hard for everyone involved too.

[MissingMom]

Guilt is one of the most common feelings in grief MissingMom . Those "what ifs" will get us every time. I hope you can get past that one soon because it is certainly unfounded. I always go back to the thought of what our loved ones would say to us about that emotion. Right? You must know how your mom would be feeling looking down on you right now. I'm thinking she is most grateful to be loved by you.

Suitearia I am sorry for your loss as well. I am glad you both found your way here and that is good advice about walking. I found that early in my grief's journey and it helps on so many levels.

We all need to remember this. We make the best decisions we can but still sometimes we lose. There is not one among us who would have not wanted success in fighting that demon that took our loved one.

For what it's worth, my guilt came from the fact that at the beginning of us becoming aware of the lump forming in Kathy's leg when the doctor said it was a rare cancer and the best hope for surviving would be to amputate her leg at the pelvic bone which she was not going to do......and that led to finding a second opinion at the Mayo where they said she could try a different route which could save all or part of that leg..........to being dead four months later. I wanted to go the amputation route but I backed her decision. I could have been more assertive but I wasn't. Yeah, I wore that one for a while but what good is guilt? It's an emotion that serves no purpose yet it hurts us even more than we already hurt.

Your story about Kathy's leg and the decision not to amputate is very powerful. Thanks for sharing. You are so right. What good is the guilt I'm feeling about the treatment I supported that ultimately killed my mom? Thinking about the way things might've turned out if I'd done something differently only serves to make me more upset. It's hard to stop the thoughts from simply popping up, though. Any you're right, Mom wouldn't like me to feel guilty about the circumstances surrounding her death. She'd tell me to get over it!

[kayc]

When guilt has no basis or purpose I try to reject it. Sometimes that's easier said than done but I work through it. I feel guilt's purpose is to get us to stop and look at something. Once we've done that and made whatever changes we need to (or not made any if we didn't need to) I let it go. If it tries to revisit, I remind it that it's already been there, done that, now it can move on! It's helped me.

[MissingMom]

My heart goes out to you, MissingMom. I am going through many of the same thoughts and feelings after I lost my dad five months ago. I also feel like the hospital let him die, even before he was put into Comfort Care. I did the research, but they wouldn't listen to the things I suggested -- they made mistakes that seem deliberate. They kept pushing hospice even before he got worse. I wish so much that I had gotten a second opinion before it was too late. It's so much the luck of the draw. Sometimes you get dedicated, even heroic, doctors and nurses, but more often you get ones that just don't seem to care about anything except the money. Since my dad wouldn't have a heart operation, they figured he wasn't profitable enough. One doctor said he might as well be a DNR and an ICU nurse said she didn't believe in prolonging life artificially on account of her religious beliefs. A hospitalist said he's been hospitalized for the same problem multiple times, he might as well go to hospice. I told her his quality of life was good between hospitalizations and he was getting better in some ways. He had beaten diabetes and peripheral arterial disease -- they need to try a different diuretic, but they wouldn't do it or switch him to a hospital that offers aquapheresis, a light form of dialysis. Then they had a "mixup" at the lab where they didn't give him a sputum culture but they kept giving him powerful last resort antibiotics that damaged his kidneys even further. They also gave him two pneumonia vaccines which probably overwhelmed his already stressed immune system. He had a massive heart attack a few hours later. A lady in the waiting room told me they tried to discharge her father with a perforated bowel! Something is terribly wrong with our health care system.

I cry every day now for my father. It's not just the guilt now, but the realization that I have lost the best friend I ever had and who I probably ever will have. I have been trying to make new friends and go out with relatives and old friends but it just emphasizes how much more happy I was with my dad than with anyone else. My fourth therapist tells me that I shouldn't feel guilty, because in the wheel of life our parents are only supposed to be one spoke, not the whole wheel, like my dad was to me. Well, he was like 90 percent of my life, which makes me feel as if I died with him. We were like one mind in two bodies, because he raised me to like everything he liked. In the last 14 years we were together almost 24/7. I am very grateful I had such a wonderful father, but the future ahead looks so bleak and colorless. I have been drinking more, something my father always frowned upon. I hardly ever went to bars while he was alive. I finally stopped drinking pisco sours, but now I like a cocktail called the Porch Light. I took a nice widow I met at the grief support group to the restaurant where they serve them and she had three of them like me! I was so worried, because she had to drive home. She seemed fine. She probably could drink me under the table, but now I feel like I'm a bad influence. How can I tell someone I hardly know not to drink another delicious cocktail without offending her? Especially when all she's trying to do is have a little happiness. She is devastated after she lost her husband of 30 years three years ago. She said the first year and a half were the worst and the grief support group helped her. She came back because some dear friends of hers passed away so she needed help again.

I don't have any advice that you haven't already received. A cab driver told me the other day (as Suitearia also suggested): "Get out and walk as much as you can, join a gym if you have to. Go and walk at a park, get close to nature." He used to be a personal trainer at a gym. This was the second time I talked with him. I also talked to a cab driver on the way home who said after he lost his house and his girlfriend (she's still alive), he cried every day for a whole year. Grief is the hardest thing in life. I read that the hardest thing about grief is actually allowing yourself to do it. The article I read is here:

http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/08/the-hardest-part-of-grieving/

As James said, grief is a private hell but we have to take it one day at a time or even 1 hour at a time sometimes. I wish you the very best

Gigi-T: your post made me really think and really feel so very sorry for you. I thought my Mom's situation with her healthcare and doctors screwing up was bad, but your story is worse. One doctor perscribed my Mom the drug Amiodorone. It caused irreparable damage to Mom's lungs and she was on oxygyn 24-7 for a couple of years. After steriod therapy, her lungs improved enough for her only to be on oxygen at night, but that's what contributed to her death from the radiation. It's like one screw up after another and like you, I feel as if I let her down by not letting the doctors essentially kill her, in my mind. Your story about the doctors pushing for hospice and Comfort Care is so familiar. They called it "palliative care," which meant take her off oxygen so she'll die, which is what my Mom ultimately decided after six weeks in the hospital. She gave up because the health care system gave up on her. I spent a whole lot of time with my Mom ... I moved a few doors down from her two years ago to help take care of her as she aged, and she, in turn, got my kids off the bus every day and took them to the pool all summer. I bet you miss your best friend terribly. The part where you wrote that you've tried reconnecting with old friends and relatives, but that makes things worse, sounds very familiar. And goodness, the widow you took to dinner should know better herself than to operate a motor vehicle after so many cocktails! You have enough on your emotional plate than to have to worry about a stranger killing herself or others behind the wheel. You sound like you are taking a step in the right direction by seeing a therapist and going to group therapy. I certainly hope the passage of time helps you. Thank you so much for replying to my post.

[MissingMom]

When guilt has no basis or purpose I try to reject it. Sometimes that's easier said than done but I work through it. I feel guilt's purpose is to get us to stop and look at something. Once we've done that and made whatever changes we need to (or not made any if we didn't need to) I let it go. If it tries to revisit, I remind it that it's already been there, done that, now it can move on! It's helped me.

That's a great tool, Kayc. I like the part about reminding yourself that you've already visited that "guilt" once when it tries to come back again. Thanks.