Feeling Extreme Guilt

[Copperpot]

Hi everyone. Im new to the site, I just lost my dog today. He was a gorgeous mini goldendoodle named Chester. Started having symptoms a week ago. Just super tired, confused & he would get stuck. Just stand there. We took him in. X rays & bloodwork. All came back normal but he was getting worse. Getting stuck more often, drooling etc. we took into another vet and were told it might be seizures. Gave us pheno barbital. This did not help. After a couple days he could barely move. Took him to a nuerologist. For some reason he perked up & was fine during the appointment, maybe just a little sluggish. She said we could do an MRI. I was a bit worried about spending that much and she assured me she didnt think it was life threatening. When i took him home he crashed pretty hard, just basically layed there. Next day he couldnt move. I rushed him back & they hospitalized him & gave him steroids. This perked him up and he was able to eat & move around. They moved forward with the mri the next morning. But he never woke from anesthesia. I just keep thinking, what if I wouldnt have hesitated??? Maybe he would be alive if I had gotten the MRI that first day. I blame myself. He was so dire & I kept telling myself to trust them. I feel like I failed him. Does anyone know what I am going through? Everyone just keeps telling me I did all I could, but I know I may have waited too long.

[kayc]

Or maybe he would have died the first day. We can never know, we kill ourselves with the whatifs. I am so sorry for your loss, welcome to this site. Do you have a picture of Chester? Two years, that's tough. I am just so sorry. I hope you feel some measure of comfort here with others who know loss and understand and care. This is a safe place to express yourself. It's a hard journey to go through but we all get through it together somehow.

[Suitearia]

Copperpot, I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved dog Chester. It sounds like you did all that you could do to obtain a diagnosis and treatment for him. You did your best and it may be that nothing could be done to prolong his life; it was just Chester's time to romp with the other dogs that live in the afterlife while they wait to reunite with their pet-parents.

[Copperpot]

Thank you guys. I have moments that I can forgive myself and moments that I just get overwhelmed by it. I dont know that I will ever feel right about how it was handled. That is something I will just have to learn to accept. I appreciate your responses. Its great to hear from people who know. Here is my favorite photo of Chester.

[MartyT]

Your Chester is beyond adorable, Copperpot, and I simply can't imagine the depth of your pain. I know you're consumed with guilt right now, no matter how unjustified that may be, and I hope it helps to hear from the rest of us that clearly you did do all you could to save him. One thing I know for sure is that Chester certainly knows how much you love him, and he knows better than anyone how hard you tried to figure out what was wrong so you could fix it. But some things can't be fixed, even after we find out what is wrong.

One of the things we love about our dogs is their infinite capacity to forgive us and to love us without conditions. Of course the person from whom you need forgiveness most is yourself ~ and I pray that one day you'll be ready to let go of the guilt you are carrying now. Meanwhile I pray for peace and healing to your broken heart.

I invite you to read this article, as it contains some suggestions that you may find helpful: Guilt In The Wake of The Euthanasia Decision.

[Copperpot]

He was such a special dog. He brought out the best in us & even brought out wonderful qualities in our other two dogs. I felt like we won a prize having him. Like we were the luckiest people on earth. He was beautiful and sweet, silly, playful, boisterous, just filled with life. The void he has left seems infinite. We dont have children, so we pour that love and nurturing into our dogs. They are everything to us. I know the Lord weeps with us. I try to think of that when I feel the most alone. My heart is truly shattered. Thank you for your words. I know they will come to me in a time I need them.

[Kacy]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like Chester was one of those dogs that only comes along once in a lifetime. He was darling!

Try not to blame yourself. You did try to find treatment for him and relied on what you were told from the vet. It's so hard not to second guess everything we did or didn't do. Have you talked to the vet about what she thinks caused his death? Maybe it was something that could not have been treated.

It's hard though when the death is sudden. Post here when you need to, as all of us understand.

Mary

[Persie]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. We lost our beloved shih tzu,Rosie, 6 weeks ago. It seems like yesterday.

We also do not have any children, so all our love goes to our pets. Rosie took a piece of my heart when she left, I still

cry often. This site has really helped me. Everyone here is so kind and understanding, knowing what we go through.

I'm glad you found this wonderful site. God Bless.

Persie

[Marj37]

Hi.......I am so sorry for you loss. Chester was a gorgeous doggie! Thanks for sharing his picture.

I'm sure you feel broken all over. This is such a good place to talk our our hear broken-ness , our sad-ness, our lonely-ness. A trauma to have them

gone so quickly.

I lost my Gb kitty a little over 3 weeks ago and sharing with people who totally , without reservation, understand is a tiny balm.

[Copperpot]

He had encephalitis. An infection in the brain, caused most likely by an auto immune response. It is treatable. But his brain was I guess too stressed to make it through the anesthesia. This is where my guilt takes hold. If I would have responded quicker, if I would have not hesitated. The what ifs.

[Copperpot]

Really struggling today. Just reliving every moment & every time I thought of saying something & didnt or doing something & didnt. I have this underlying anxiety as well. I wish I could offer more support on this site, but I have no insights as of yet.

[Marj37]

Hi-----make sure to take one moment at a time. And honor your grief as coming from a love you hold deeply.

We all understand. We are there or have been there.

[kayc]

Oh, Chester is darling! I feel for you losing him, it's never easy, in fact it's one of the hardest things we go through in life. The pain we feel now is part of the price for having loved so deeply, and I wouldn't trade one bit of it.

[Copperpot]

I completely agree. We loved intensely, so the grieving is intense. And I wouldnt change that either. Chester was an extreme dog. Extremely ornary and extremely sweet, extremely handsome and extremely energetic. Extremely funny and extremely therapeutic. So I guess I shouldnt be surprised at his extreme exit. I will always miss my "cheddar beans".

[kayc]

I could say Arlie is that way too...extremely stubborn, extremely smart, extremely cute, extremely funny/goofy, extremely loving.

My heart goes out to you, I know both what it is to love and lose a dog.

[Marj37]

I completely agree. We loved intensely, so the grieving is intense. And I wouldnt change that either. Chester was an extreme dog. Extremely ornary and extremely sweet, extremely handsome and extremely energetic. Extremely funny and extremely therapeutic. So I guess I shouldnt be surprised at his extreme exit. I will always miss my "cheddar beans".

Love his nickname.

I believe we can expect nothing less than "extreme exit" from our bonded furkids.

[Copperpot]

I wish I wasnt but I still feeling some guilt. Sometimes its about wanting to have done things differently, maybe he could have lived..etc.. But I also think of his last days. I was so frantic to try & get him help. I disconnected somewhat. I Feel like I didnt spend enough tome with him, holding him, because I couldnt face the severity of it. I should have gone to see him before they put him under the anesthesia. I would have been able connect w/ him one last time.

i want to tell people these things but noone around me really wants to hear. They all just want me to move on. i would love to be able to just move on. But I think everything deserves its due. Or maybe I am just dwelling..

[jame57]

So sorry for your loss Copperpot. He looks such a lovely happy dog and he was so lucky to have someone like you to love and love him back. That love will never end or be forgotten by either you or Chester Please ignore those who tell you to move on. It's your grief and we all grieve in our own way for as long as we need to.

Close your eyes and in the silence he's right there with you.

[kayc]

We never entirely "move on", I think we just slowly learn how to live with it, but always they're in our hearts.

[Copperpot]

It was a tough night tonight. Made me remember when we first got Chester. We had a party to introduce him to everyone. All the noise & craziness made him lose his puppy mind. Im pretty sure everyone went home with at least 1 nasty scratch. Now, 2 years later, almost to the date, we have another party, but this time we are saying goodbye. This time noone went home with a visible wound, but there is sadness in their eyes. There is a quiet without him that is a terrible quiet. It feels more like the end now. Like every day that passes he is further & further away. Finding it harder to remember how it felt to hug him or feel his paws on my chest. I try to hold on but I cant. My journey continues & his has ended. I can only pray that we will all see them again someday, somehow.

[kayc]

Looking to the day we are reunited is what keeps me going. It seems very unfair that Chester had such a short life.

[Copperpot]

Having a bit of a tough day. My grandfather passed away yesterday, so emotions have been very high. I had a dream about Chester, he was laying on me, breathing in my face. It was something he did often to wake me. When I woke up & realized it was just a dream I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I cant shake that feeling. I have no place to express this. Its tough to talk about losing your dog when the ones around you are now grieving the loss of a person. This is just the time I could really use a big Chester hug

[kayc]

OMG, I'm so sorry to hear that! Wow, as if you haven't had enough. The loss of a dog, in my estimation, is no less than the loss of a person, it all depends on the relationship and closeness involved. I'm closer to my dog than about anyone and it'll be extremely difficult when I lose him. But to have two close deaths so close together, well, I'm just so sorry. (((hugs)))

[Marj37]

Having a bit of a tough day. My grandfather passed away yesterday, so emotions have been very high. I had a dream about Chester, he was laying on me, breathing in my face. It was something he did often to wake me. When I woke up & realized it was just a dream I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I cant shake that feeling. I have no place to express this. Its tough to talk about losing your dog when the ones around you are now grieving the loss of a person. This is just the time I could really use a big Chester hug

That is really a tough emotional ride now with your Granddad passing away.

I'm sorry you had that dream and had to wake up and find it was a dream. Some of our dreams do that and it is so difficult on waking.

I usually have kind of a sick feeling all day after that type of reality feeling dream.

Take care.

[LadyCarrie]

Copperpot,

I am so sorry for all the pain you are suffering due to your double losses. Your little Copperpot has to be one of the sweetest-faced dogs God ever made. Copperpot is a masterpiece. My heart is stolen, and I am smitten. I understand your hurting heart, at least somewhat. I'll tell you the reason for my understanding. I am hurting so badly myself as I write to you.

We lost our little Black and Tan Doxie named Ashely Rose on 10 October 2014 due to kidney disease, and I still grieve each time I think of her, which is many times every day. In my situation, the vets have the guilt, although they don't feel it, and I have deep, deep remorse that would destroy any joy I might find unless I consciously fight against the pain each time I think of her. I cannot allow that to happen at this particular time; I have no choice but to suppress my emotions regarding her due to anticipatory grief regarding my husband. Losses come at us hard and fast, don't they?

Within a few days after Ashely's death, our other little girl Doxie, Callie, was diagnosed with kidney disease. Ashely and Callie were/are cousins and one day apart in age. Callie turned fifteen on June 29. She has a growth between her teeth that will require surgery as soon as we can get her scheduled, because she's going off her food due to the growth and bad teeth. We delayed surgery due to the likelihood of anesthesia causing KD to speed up and take her life, as happened with Ashely. We can no longer postpone surgery by treating her with antibiotics and pain medications. We postponed as long as her pain could be reasonably managed. It is now out of control.

We have suffered anticipatory grief for Callie since Ashely's death. We are not even sure surgery will be possible, but we think so. It's for sure Callie must not be allowed to suffer agony any longer. Her pain level is no longer at a level that allows her to have quality of life. I can hardly bear to say, "It is time," so soon after Ashely died. Going through this again simply seems impossible, but here it is.

If the growth has become cancerous, we will not treat with chemo. Our baby girl has suffered enough. Kidney didease has already caused her to have severe nausea and diarrhea. If she could be healed, we would do everything possible treatment-wise, but she's already dying slowly (?) with kidney disease. We hurt.

Carrie