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Facing The Future . . . Sometimes


feralfae

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Kay, I am so very proud of you! Getting things moved away is such a challenge! Packing Doug's shoes, slippers, boots, and socks was hard: most of them, I had bought for him. He avoided shopping more than any man I have ever known, including my store-avoiding Dad. When I carefully wrapped his Irish Linen monogrammed handkerchiefs that I gave him for Christmas a few years ago, after washing and ironing all of them, it was a tough moment, but I got it done.

It sounds as though you are clearing a lot of "stuff" that you would never use, and getting rid of "stuff" others have stored with you. And I am so happy for you, because IT IS TIME!!! Life gets a lot easier as we shed those things we neither cherish nor use. I loved some of the art of family members, because they are good artists, and some of it was of others' ranches, farms, homes, ships. But I wanted to send things on that I don't want to be responsible for any more, and you are doing the same thing.

We can both celebrate with a glass of iced tea or lemonade. It is 101F out on the patio right now. I am in for the day and chilling in the cool of the earth-beamed lower level, where, if I keep it all closed up and the thermal shades closed, doesn't get above 70F or so. It also stays pretty warm in winter, thank goodness.

Yes, it is very, very good to get rid of some things, and I will also save $$ not having that storage space. And I sold two more books on Amazon today! And, I must tell you this: I was talking to one of the cousins in Vermont, who called Doug's family "barbarians" and I thought it was such an apt term that if they come to mind from now on, I will simply call them "barbarians" and send the thought away. :)

I know it must be hot over there, too. But aren't you proud of us that we are clearing and sorting, and making room in our homes and lives for the future G*d will set before us? :)

namaste,

fae

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I applaud both of you for your decluttering. It is one way for us to move forward on this journey that none of us wanted to be on!

It seems like both of you are experiencing rather high temperatures up in the northwest. My temperatures are high and it is rather uncomfortable with our monsoon season. I finally got some much-needed rain here in the southwest. Usually, all the rain is in the southeast here in AZ.

I found that it is not easy to "let go" of things even though I don't find anything worth saving. I would give everything away if only I could have more time with Jim. I know this isn't reality, but it is good to wish.

Your thread about "Facing the Future" is perfect, fae. That is what we must do, isn't it?

I struggle as each of you do. Moving forward is what our spouses or other loved ones would want us to do.

I celebrate each of you for your courage to do something with "things" you no longer need.

Please be careful, Kay, with what you lift. And fae, you desire a trip to an ice cream parlor. Let it be chocolate. :wub:

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I am going to have pink peppermint, one scoop, and Mexican Chocolate, one scoop, when I go out for ice cream!

Yes, we are being courageous to sort and clear things, and sometimes we are able to face forward and look at the possibilities of the future. I know I am not ready for dating yet. I still love Doug. I am comfortable with that. I may never be ready for dating. I have been asked out a few times, but it feels as though I would be unfaithful to Doug if I went out with another man on a "date." I am not ready. My heart is still filled with Doug.

I am so very thankful that I have wonderful loving friends and a lot of emotional support here with our Tribe. Thank you Anne and Kay for the encouragement, support, for cheering on these efforts.

Kay, it is down to 91F here, and feels cool after the heat of the day. Anne, I know you are so happy to have some rain. I find muggy hot days most uncomfortable. We are obviously not tropical people! :)

*<twinkles>*

fae

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It was running 105 here for over a week, sometimes not getting below 89 in the house until 11 or 12 at night! It's unbearable, really! Yesterday it got into the 80s, much more tolerable! I don't have air conditioning, so I open my windows at night (when it's the same inside as out) and then close them in the morning. It's been getting down to about 68 inside in the morning. I talked to my son about coming and getting his tires (33 in all, plus there's 4 of my daughter's) and he says he will although he didn't set a date yet. He said some people use them for landscaping there so he thinks he can get rid of them for free, whereas it'd cost me hundreds of dollars to dispose of them here.

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The smoke is obscuring the Divide, town, and the Lake now. Rain is on its way. I give thanks.

I read this today, and thought of us all. It may already be posted here somewhere, but has so very much of worth to say about this journey toward tomorrow that I thought it was worth sharing here.

REFUGE. SANCTUARY. LOVE. Gretchen Schmelzer July 27, 2015

" . . . No one wants to be a refugee, but I believe that anyone who has lived through trauma or severe grief is a refugee--especially if you choose to heal. Trauma and traumatic grief mean that you are cast out of a land of innocence. Not just a world where you would believe that everything is okay—or that the world is just. It’s bigger than that—because trauma and severe loss mean that you lose an innocence of self—an innocence of believing that in a difficult situation you would rise to the occasion—you would do the right thing, not the human thing. You know that you have done whatever you needed to do to survive and you know what it means to feel truly helpless. You have seen yourself at your worst in a world that couldn’t help you at that moment: and you can’t ever go back. And never being able to go back is the working definition of refugee. . ."

". . .Sanctuary is an open space. Your heart is open. Your mind is open. The future is wide open. In trauma the future is known: you are always anticipating the trauma you lived through. In sanctuary, you really don’t know what might happen next. It is lovely. And it can be scary. Like any big developmental milestone. You have arrived in a place where you can’t return. The way a toddler can’t turn back in to a baby—the way a tree can’t turn back in to a sapling. . . "

Very inspiring as well. :)

*<twinkles>*

fae

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. . . and, so I was just out in the MW, praying, and asked Doug if there was anything he wanted to tell me, and I could hear the smile in his voice when he said, "you're on the right track."

Today, the rotors on the Honda were turned. And it was a lot less than I feared to have this repaired. And my girlfriend Jenny and her hub found the perfect house. I am so very excited for them Any they will be a lot closer to me - 20 miles closer and in town!

I am taking a spa day tomorrow, taking a bubble bath, giving myself a pedicure and doing my own hair, and giving myself a facial, while I listen to beautiful music all day. I am not going out in the smoke if I can help it, and I will stay inside out of what may be thunderstorms. I have two books to read. And lovely fresh organic foods. I can make smoothies! :)

Kay, did I already ask you if you can sleep outside? How is your smoke over that way? We are supposed to have cooler weather tomorrow, down in the 70s. I'm so glad the days are getting a little cooler, and hope that continues for you and me. And to get all the tires away -- what a wonderful piece of clearing your space! Good for you! The godchildren will be here next week to do firewood, touch-up staining and yard cleaning. They all took summer college courses this year, so they have been super busy. Now I get to have them for a week. I know you are going to be so happy to have the tires gone. Maybe you can look around to see if there is anything else you could send away with your son? Just a thought. :)

Time for me to get some rest. A long but very good day here.

I hope we all have beautiful dreams.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Well it hasn't happened yet, but it will (the tires). I could sleep outside except for the wild animals, so I don't. Not even sure if it'd be safe to on the patio. It's cooled off here, up to 90, at least that's better than 105! A whole week of that was way too much. I don't think we ever had a heat wave last as long as this one did. My firewood stack collapsed so I tarped it. :) There's really no place to move it to to start over, so this will work.

Believe me, there's a LOT my son could take, but I'll be happy if he even takes a load a year, at least it'd be making progress! He has a 4 wheeler and a boat here too I'd love to see gone. And an engine and axles and truck parts, and 1 1/2 bedroom's filled with his stuff. Ugh! I didn't bug him when he was in the military or in college, but now it's time he start moving his stuff to HIS place. I don't even know which tools are his and which are mine anymore, although I think he's taken most of his tools. he still has a lot in my garage and storage room too. I've made him executor of my estate so he'll have to clean it all out someday, whether I'm dead or alive, I just prefer sooner than later.

I'm glad your car repair didn't cost too much, I know how that goes! And I'm glad your GF will be living closer to you! My friend, Debbie, just moved to Oakridge so we can see each other frequently now, I'm so happy about that! And I talked to my good friend Virgie for over an hour (she moved back to TX), catching up, it was so great!

We have fires here, not close to our town, but we are getting smoke even though it's quite a ways away. I'll be glad when they have it contained. I'm praying no one's houses burn and no one else gets hurt. We had a firefighter killed and another injured in it.

Thank you for sharing your previous post, it spoke to me.

Enjoy the cooler weather, AND the godchildren!

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Decluttering is full of emotion when it's the things which belonged to our beloved partners. Three years and more later I still can't do it and I know that is ok. I did find an old tee shirt of Pete's to donate to our campaign against the visitor centre to have a slogan written on it. He would have approved of that! But other things I still can't touch. And I know that is ok. Fae I so admire you. I love your spirit. Mine expresses itself differently but I do have plenty. One of our well loved pop singers from the sixties called Cilla Black died suddenly a day or two ago. Aged only 72. And it was said of her that she never got over the death of her beloved husband 14 years ago. And I so empathised. I have good reason to carry on as my little grand daughters need me whilst they are young. And I've still interest in my environment and the campaigns we are fighting. But if it were not for these ....

But enough of negativity. This thread is positive and I've only just come across it. Keep on keeping on!

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Oh Jan, it is so completely ok. There are some of Doug's things that I can barely touch yet. There are some things I can hold and feel the tears welling up. And some things, it feels as though I have gathered all the love and memories from those things and can let them go now. I think we are each on our own timetable, our own path, our own schedule. Honoring that—and all your emotions— for yourself, and being kind and gentle with yourself are the healthy requirements for grief, I think.

I know what you mean about needing a reason to stay engaged in life. I am being mentor for several young people now, helping to mount an art exhibit, and getting more involved in Meeting as well. I need people and purposes in my life. I know my primary job right now is still to keep healing and taking good care of myself as I heal, but I need to have places to use my energy and talents and knowledge as well. I know you are the same.

Some big projects are taking shape in my life, and I will talk about them when they are a bit further along, but I look forward to having more sense of purpose if things work out, and if not, I know other doors will open.

I don't think we will ever get over losing our husbands. And I think that is natural and part of life. We learn to be gentle with our hearts, to cherish the love we still have in our hearts, and to find new ways to share our lives with others.

I am sending you some {{{hugs}}} as you carry on.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Jan,

You will know when it is time, and until then, it doesn't hurt a thing to hang on to their stuff.  I am still hanging on to certain items and probably always will.  I had to sell his car out of necessity and wanted to give his trailer to the person that sold the car for me, and that was way too soon.  I gave his clothes to Sponsors, which is where I knew he'd want it to go.  I gave his wallet and travel case to my now SIL, and I knew that's where he'd want it to go to too.  I let my son have the few tools left (the company he worked for robbed us of most of his tools, another story) after the theft.  George had wanted them to go to him.  I wanted his ring to go to his son but that too was stolen, but I did send him his Bible.  And I gave his daughter one of the "two hugging bear" necklaces he'd commissioned made.  It seemed real clear to me where things were to go.  I gave his fishing hat to his best friend, Dan.  But I kept his fishing vest, and his dress vest that he was so proud of.  I gave my son in law his suede coat...it had a fond memory/story that went with it and it was too big for my son.  

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Hi,

I've been reading your posts with much interest, for there a few items  that I wonder about in my own situation.  I've wondered about this for a long time, and Amberly and I have talked about it.  Jerry talks to me so openly at times about where he wants some of his things to go (so helpful, but SO hurtful).  

It's Jerry's shoes that are troubling me.  I don't believe I can ever give them away, because he has painful bone spurs with callouses that make obvious bulges in the sides of his favorite shoes.  I can't give them away.  I can't look at them.  If I keep them, Amberly inherits the pain, so I can't do that either.  She's so tender-hearted that she would never be able to give them away, or destroy them as long as she lives.  

I know this because when my mother died in 1989, Amberly asked me to not give away the boxes of gowns I had made for her (I sew).  Amberly still has them.  A few years ago, I suggested that we make a quilt with them.  She brought them to me.  We cried, and packed them right back into their boxes.  I can't look at them.  Amberly will be taking care of them always, because we did not part with them earlier.  

The only thing that I can think of is to bury Jerry's shoes with him.  That's going to be a full casket, if I do that, but it sounds reasonable to me.  I would hope no remarks would be made by the funeral home staff.  That could happen, but mean people have to live with themselves.  The babies' ashes will go with the one who goes to Heaven first.

It's a sad thing to discuss, yet somehow it just helps my feelings that you guys know.  I'm not sure that's rational, but for today, I hope it is.

I'm encouraged by your posts, Fae and Kay.  I'm helped by your giving specifics.  You are showing some of us how to move forward, yet never away from.  The things I think about beforehand will not surprise me so terribly (there will be many surprises that I will hate.).  Those surprises are brutal.

Thanks for giving me a spot on your thread today, Fae. 

Blessings and hugs,

Carrie

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Carrie,

I don't think the funeral staff would blink an eye.  They are sensitive and have seen and heard everything and have respect for other people's feelings.  It takes a special person to be in that business.

My George had a bone spur that was huge.  We went to doctors, orthopedists, orthotists, etc. to no avail.  We did find some shoes that felt comfortable but alas he couldn't wear them to work (he had to wear steel toed boots there) so was uncomfortable at work.  I did give his shoes away as most were fairly new.  I think whatever you feel is right is the right thing to do.  (((hugs)))

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I wonder why shoes are so special? But they are. I've still got all Pete's clothes just about, and it's four years this November since he had the stroke. But the shoes seem even more important. It's what they touched the ground in. Strange but so be it. Someone else might have to deal with that if only I can stay in our beloved cottage until I too die. But maybe one day I will deal with them . I don't know. I don't push myself

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Thank you so much for understanding, Kay and Jan.  I'm glad to know that shoes are particularly special to others.  The only other solution I can think of is to hire someone I trust to burn them, and bring me the ashes.  It's all right for all of us to be a little "strange" under our circumstances.  As a "pin" on Pinterest said (can't quote), our "Give a Damn" is bent and out for repairs.  I think we've all earned the right to our feelings.  In truth, I do care what others think, but cannot help my own feelings.

Jan, I believe I might understand a bit about your strong desire to remain in your beloved cottage, for although we are basically isolated here on this mountain in a bark beetle-bitten forest ~ and neither of us drive now ~ we really hope to keep our home.  Living alone here will be a huge challenge, but I think they'd have to haul me off before I could leave the place where Jerry has built so many things, and where we have over thirty years of memories.  

Beauregard (Doxie) wants to sit on the deck, so I'll get try to get him there.  Poor little old hound of my heart.

Carrie

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I understand, Carrie.  It's how I feel about this place, even though I'm in an old mobile home that's not worth much, still, the property is beautiful and the memories....oh the memories!

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It is so very wonderful to see you all here.

For about the last three weeks, I have had severe abdominal pain, not doing very well, getting lots of tests (with more to come) and beginning to worry because I seem to need a lot more rest these days than last year.

By now, it is becoming clear that something is going on, although we don't have any test confirmations about anything more serious than having joggled something lose during all the clearing and sorting -- something that was still healing.  

But I wanted to jump in to say that you are all welcome here, so hitch a ride as Anne drives by and you all head on to Montana.  :)  It is very hot here right now, though so you may want to wait a week or so to arrive.  I think it was 94F out here today, maybe a little warmer.  

I have another test tomorrow.  I will have my latest NETS tests results back later this week, I think.  I am tired and weak.  I can get up and go for three or four hours, then I collapse and sleep for a few hours, then I am good (but not as energetic as earlier in the day) for a few more hours, then I sort of collapse again.  And the pain seems to be better today.  I am avoiding chocolate, coffee, spicy foods, all alcohol (no wine!) and lifting most things.  I am being doubly careful about any gluten.  I am getting up in the cool of the early morning and driving to my favorite walking path (where there are no loose dogs, as is not the case in my neighborhood) and watching the sunrise from there as I walk for a mile and a half.  Then I come home and rest for a while, fix breakfast, work in the office for a little while, then run errands or have meetings, then rest again.  

Boring, and mostly I am resting.  So far, I have avoided pain medications, which make me very fuzzy-brained.  Part of this weakness may be the incredible heat.  I wish I felt more connected to every day life, but right now, I feel as though I am holding myself together, finding ways to mitigate the pain, and hoping for some definitive answers by the end of the week (and I hope for a simple scolding, such as, "you silly woman, stop being such a jock and stop lifting things.  Back away from your wheel until the pains stop.  Rest as much as your body wants.  It is healing itself." ) 

I feel Doug all around me, sort of watchful and concerned.  I am doing my best to cooperate with what appears to be a time of deep healing of body, and probably heart as well.  

It would be a wonderful thing to have you dear hearts here for tea and a long visit, too. Now, we must get a balloon with a basket for Jan, I suppose . . .   :)

*<twinkles>*

fae

 

Edited by feralfae
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Oh, fae, I am concerned about the abdominal pain you have been experiencing. We have talked about doing lifting while you are still healing inside. I hope you will continue to listen to your body. Testing and waiting for results can really test our patience! Please keep us updated when you get test results back. I am also watching some of the foods you have mentioned ~ I can give up spicy but not chocolate. Resting is mandatory when we are healing inside. I learned that when I had major surgery a few years back. My doctor knew I was doing more than I should have been doing! I continue to find it a real challenge doing some of these things without my Jim as I know you want your Doug with you. 

I say a road trip is in our future. How can we ever get our southwest and northwest and midwest friends to join us! Perhaps we could find a middle state for all of us to meet. Jan would travel for this trip. If our Bill's Mary ever reads any of this I say ~ she's IT.  

Anne

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I am only up to check on an owl. . . 

Maybe we could all go on a retreat together.  Maybe a nice place, run by the Carmelites or Dominicans.  Something special and spiritual for us all.  :) Yes, I have even lightened my purse, quit lifting anything heavier than the purse, and being very cautious about how I lift even that.  

I am doing my best to listen to my body, just take breaks and rest and sleep when I am led to do so, and to pay attention to how my body is feeling.  I think for those of us who spent time as caregivers, we became habituated to setting aside the needs of our own bodies to care for other bodies.  Now here we are, healing.  Doug used to bring mugs of warm herbal tea to me when I did not feel well, and rub my forehead, and sit with me.  I miss that a lot some days.  I know you miss Jim's care.  How could we not?

The Great Horned Owl is still calling.  I love their song.

fae

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Dear Fae,

I'm concerned for you.  Praying.  Listen to your owl, and go to sleepy town.  I will try also.  Jerry is groaning in semi-sleep, so I know he's hurting somewhere.  Amberly must leave either tomorrow night or Thursday morning for her classes.  She's trying to get MRI scheduled for me on Thursday.  It occurred to me suddenly that is the first day of her class.  She was canceling.  Neither her Daddy nor I will hear of that.  We will be all right.  You take very good care of yourself. ❤️

Warm hugs,

Carrie

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Dear Marty,

Thank you for your prayers and love.  I look around at us and I see so many of us who have been long-term caregivers who are now turning toward as much self care as possible.  I truly think we are all getting better, but it is taking a lot longer than any of us anticipated for this healing process to reach "healed" if that ever happens.  :)

Your love and compassion inspire and teach us, thank you.

namaste,

fae

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