First Father's Day Without Dad

[Dylan]

In October of 2011 my parents told me they were getting a divorce. I was only 11 at the time so I didn't take it well. A month later, my aunt died of cancer. After the death of my aunt,my grandma, that lived with me, began to deteriorate until she died due to natural causes in my home on January 4th 2012. Everything was pretty calm, until exactly a year later, on January 4th 2013, my parents had officially gotten a divorce. In April of 2013 my grandpa, on my father's side died. My divorced parents remained in the same house together for a year and half because neither could afford to move out. I do have to commend my parents, as they were as civil as a divorced couple can be. In April of 2014, I moved out of my childhood home and lived with my mother, with my dad moving in with his girlfriend and living in a different town, about 30 minutes away. How my dad visited me was a pretty unique situation. He would see me every other weekend and a weekday every week. When it was my weekend with my father, he would come to my house, where his ex-wife lived. I never went over to his house, because he didn't have much to entertain there. He planned on it being a temporary thing, and moving to a new house. He never did as a year later on April 17th 2015 he died of a heart attack. He had problems with his legs. The doctors thought it was nothing more then a muscle tear. They had MRIs done numerous times. It turns out that he had a blood clot so deep in his leg, that and MRI couldn't pick it up. Because the doctors didn't know about this, they gave him blood pressure medicine. The medicine wasn't helping him,all it was doing was shortening his blood, which eventually led it to pop and he died instantaneously.The thing I found most strange during this time was, that on 4/14/15, the last day I saw him in person, the last thing I did with him was watch the movie Babadook. The movie dealt with a monster that haunted a child whose father's died in a car accident. It was metaphor stating that the monster was really the child's grief over his dead father. The last thing I did with my father was watch a movie about a child dealing with his grief over his dead father.During the past four years of hardships, I got closer and closer to my father. He was my best friend. I would talk to him politics, what I wanted to be when I grow up, or even something as simple as the basketball game that was on last night. My mother had divorced him, and my brother had moved away to college, so I was the person who saw him the most. He told me I saw him, more than his own girlfriend saw him. Everyone was getting farther away from him, when I was getting closer to him, which only made his death that much harder for me. After his death my mother and brother were very supportive. His side of the family, not so much. My father's sister called my brother a week after his death. She called to tell my brother that my mother was a thief and irresponsible and was going to steal my inheritance if she was executor of the estate. My dad's sister, who I can only recount seeing 10 times in my entire life, was trying to get me to turn on my mother right after my dad died. The person who hurt me more was my dad's girlfriend. I had genuinely liked his girlfriend. The only thing I had asked for of my father was his watch. Two months later she is still "searching" for his watch, when I know for a fact that he wore it on himself, so there was no searching needed. This action seemed very un-characteristic of her. I can remember going to her when her house was flooded due to the water tank being broken, and the first thing she said was, "I'm sorry you have to see me like this. There is food in the fridge, help yourself." Her condo was being flooded and she cared about providing me food more then saving the items in her apartment. After my dad's death she also called my mother to yell at her to give her money to help pay the bills. She thought that we had instant access to my dad's money, when two months later we have yet to see anything. The sad part is, my brother and I planned to help her out financially, but after these actions, I don't know if I will be able to repair the relationship with her. On to the inheritance. I feel guilty for getting this money. There is enough money to help both my brother and I go to college with no problem. I feel guilty because, the kids at my school are having stress over how to pay for college, when I have no worries. I know that the money wasn't handed to me, as I had to lose my father to obtain the money, but I still feel guilty. After his death i'm much more focused on my future and what I want to do. I know what college I want to go to, what I want to major in, and where I want to live. I'm happy that I have all those things figured out, but I just want to be a 15 year kid. I visited my dad yesterday on father's day, by sitting with his urn that is located in my house. What annoyed me is seeing online how much everyone appreciated their father on father's day, when I genuinely appreciated my father 365 days a year and didn't need a holiday to tell me when to appreciate my father. My father won't be there for my high school or college graduation, my wedding, or even getting my first job. I just want to be a normal 15 year old kid with his father.

[MartyT]

Dylan, my dear, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your father. As close as you were to him, I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. I understand completely your wanting "to be a normal 15 year old kid with his father" ~ but of course none of this feels "normal" and your father is no longer with you ~ at least, not in the physical sense. I also understand your feeling guilty about accepting your inheritance money, which is not an uncommon reaction. No matter how irrational it may seem, many mourners feel guilty in accepting things like life insurance benefits, as they see it as somehow profiting from the death of a loved one. I hope the day will come when you will see your inheritance as your father's effort (and responsibility) to take good care of you. Perhaps the best way you can show your gratitude to him is to go on to live a good life in his honor.

I want to share a couple of articles with you, in hopes that they will give you some insights as to what you may be feeling and what you can do to manage your reactions to this devastating loss:

Teen Grief: Mourning the Death of a Parent

Teen Struggles with Reaction to Dad's Death

[KATPILOT]

There never was going to be an easy time dealing with the loss of your father and it happened so recently too. This is a time when emotions run high and although you felt that you honored your dad every day of the year, Father's day will always be a trigger moment. I hope you can keep him first in your thoughts knowing he is still with you and always shall be a part of you.

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your losses and all you have had to go through at such a young age. If you haven't already done so, I hope you will see a grief counselor as this is really a lot to deal with but even more so at your age.

I'm sorry your dad's GF hasn't "found" the watch, I hope she does soon and gives it to you. You might want to remind her that it is important to you to have it to remember him by.

When my husband died, I wanted to give his ring that I bought him for a wedding present to his son but it disappeared. I finally figured out who took it but never got it back. It's sad when these things happen because they aren't about monetary loss, they're part of the person who wore them.

I hope you do go to college and graduate and on that special day, know your dad is there with you in his spirit and very proud of you.

[marykay8]

I too celebrated the first Father's Day without my dad. I can connect with your comment of not needing a Holiday to celebrate him as he was so important every day of the year. Seeing all my friends post about their dad's that day was very difficult. I tried to avoid it and yet found myself browsing facebook being hit every time with a "I have the best dad ever" post..
My family and I went to a cabin for the weekend, a trip my dad planned before he passed away. It was his perfect retreat, big log cabin, lack of cell service, lots of fishing, bon fires, yard games, and we made some of his favorite foods. Every time I looked around I thought about how much he would have loved it there. We took the boat out early Father's Day morning. I remember the tears flowing down my face as I looked across the clear blue water surrounded by tall tress. The sunrise was still beautiful, as it was the morning he passed. My heart was so full of so many emotions, it was a hard day but it was also a good day.

[Momgoddess2002]

Dylan I'm so sorry for your loss, especially at your age. It's weird how some people behave when someone dies. It's hard enough to handle the loss without any drama. Your dads gf may not know how to cope, but I hope she finds it in her heart to give you his watch.