Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

A Year Has Gone By...........


Recommended Posts

As I sit and write this it was exactly 1 year ago almost to the minute that I last saw mum in hospital. A couple of hours or so before I received the body blow that was the doctor telling me she was unlikely to survive this time.

I sat with her until just gone 8.oopm and kissed her on the forehead and told her I love her, fully expecting to be back the next day. 5.30 the next morning the phone rang and it was the news mum had passed away peacefully in her sleep.

Since I joined this forum earlier this year I have given you an idea how I feel and received some wonderful advice.

I have wondered for some time how I would feel when the first anniversary came around and must say it's floored me.

I'm calm this evening but still full of sorrow.

It's one of those days when I kept thinking "a year ago today" etc.

How I've survived this long I'll never know except taking it one day at a time but it's still so hard at times. I still feel pain when I think of mum and miss her so much.

I often think I'll never get through this and just cannot believe I can ever think of her without getting upset.

Tonight I'll try to stop feeling sorry for myself and just remember the wonderful, caring mum I was lucky enough to have and just be so very grateful.

My brother and I will take flowers to her grave tomorrow and in the afternoon I will meet some good friends at church for prayers to remember her.

I love you mum and we will be reunited. The family will meet up one by one in God's heaven for all eternity.

post-17131-0-59635000-1435259611_thumb.j

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm exactly where you are... 1 year ago this month, on June 5th. The piercing pain lives on, the loss lives on, and yet our Mom is our Mom, and there is no one on this earth that we can treasure more in life... I miss my Mom so much as well.

I went to her cemetery in Montreal, every day for a week, then I went to Toronto, where I had a tree planted and watched it's growth after a year... I also hung a beautiful glazed metal butterfly in the tree, and then I literally buried my pain, in a private little ceremony, by myself, and asked her for help, and she did help me... I then left Canada, returned to Arizona, and now I do feel better. I can actually look at her picture and not break down. I can talk to her and ask her for help, and not break down... I Pray for her and to her, I miss her so much.

Just last week I joined a grief group... it's never too late. I loved being in a room, where everyone had the SAME pain, and understood how I felt.. and it was an amazing array of support, kindness, and understanding. I will continue going, and it will hopefully continue to give me strength

I understand your loss, your pain, and your 1 year marking... I'm in the exact same boat... and as I write I'm looking at Mom's picture, with a smile on her face, which helps me put one on mine.

Be strong, and know that she is right there with you, always.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much for your kind replies. The day was hard of course but today I feel so scared. I never believed it would somehow get any easier once it hit 1 year but now that milestone I was dreading has passed there seems to be nothing but pain ahead. How can this ever be "acceptable" to be without my dear mum?i

Sorry to be a bore but I'm just in the pits today.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think acceptable means we like it or choose it, but rather that we have to live with what is. It's hard to believe it's been a year, but to you it must seem a century and yesterday all at the same time. I understand. It's been ten years since my husband passed and it seems like forever but I recall it like it was yesterday too.

You are never a bore and I am just sorry you are having a hard time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Kayc, I just came back online to edit my post as it was written at a very bad moment. As luck would have it I've just been talking it through with a good friend and I'm somewhat calmer. I know I'll continue to do the grief work and someday things will hopefully be brighter but when I'm in that pit of despair things do seem bleak don't they. These last few days were especially tough but I just need to take on board this is where I am at the moment......where else would I expect to be after a major loss? I hope you're ok Kay after your 10 year anniversary.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks, James, it was tough getting through it but I'm glad it's over. Unfortunately, this journey is never over.

It's okay to have ups and downs in this, I've come to perceive them as to be expected & normal...just remember, when you're having a bad moment, it won't stay in that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you, James, for sharing the photo of your mother. She has such a kind face. She must have been a wonderful mother for you to miss her so. I miss my father with all my heart, so I know how it feels to miss a beloved parent.

Sunday was my dad's birthday. He would have been 87. I went to the cemetery by cab, because there was no one to drive me there. Luckily, I got a cabbie who was willing to wait for me while I bought the roses. Then he waited for me again while I placed the flowers on my dad's grave. The cabbie prayed with me, even though he's a Pakistani Muslim and didn't know the Christian prayers. He also helped me dispose of the old flowers and wrappings. Thank God for good people.

I told the cabbie, "This is where I'll be buried; there's room for four." The cabbie asked, "Who's going in the fourth spot?" I answered, "My future husband." The cabbie laughed and said, "You can put that on your dating ad -- free burial plot included." We laughed. It was a bit of levity on an otherwise sad day, six months since my wonderful father passed away.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I absolutely love it! :D And I'm glad you got an understanding and empathetic cabbie. We learn to appreciate the small things in absence of the one we really want.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you Gigi-T. I felt I needed to share a photo of my dear mum. She was such a kind lady and I miss her so much. That cab driver was so very kind to you, I'm pleased he was there for you on such a difficult day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Today marks one year since mum's funeral. I'll never forget seeing the hearse draw up outside the house and seeing her coffin for the first time, I wanted to touch it or kiss it but I didn't get the chance. How I wish I had! At the graveside the funeral director offered me the jar of earth and I took some to gently drop into the grave. When I did I said openly "I love you so much mum". A year later and I often wish I'd died that day so I could be buried with her. Don't worry, I won't harm myself but I just feel like I'm existing as my real life finished when mum died. I'm glad I have a counselling appointment on Monday and my friends on this forum. If I could ask you to pray for mum and assure her of my undying love I'd be grateful. Many thanks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I understand. She's always been there and her absence is keenly felt. I have those days myself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

James,

I am sorry you are hurting so badly. Some of us never get over missing our parents, yet the pain will lessen, and become an ache that won't hurt as badly as you hurt now. I was my mother's caregiver for twenty years. I was exceptionally close to her, so I understand your hurting heart, I believe. I will pray for you, and others here who are hurting. I pray that our Lord will comfort you, and give you peace in your heart that surpasses all understanding.

I, too, noticed that your mum has such a sweet face. She looks pretty in her dress and hat with the matching flower. Like your mum, I like hats (my favorite is the pillbox hat like Jackie Kennedy used to wear).

Blessings,

Carrie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

God bless you both for your kind words. I spent a big part of yesterday with friends and despite my worries the day was quite calm and pleasant. The sadness returned when I got home to an empty house (apart from the cats) but the evening was calm. Today I awoke to the new reality once again that life has changed but thete's nothing new in that.....it's the same each morning. I don't like it one little bit but that's where I am at least for now.

One day at a time. Thanks for your replies and support.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I also feel like my real life finished when my dad died. I will pray for your mother, James. She knows beyond a shadow of a doubt how much you loved her.

“Now there is one thing I can tell you: you will enjoy certain pleasures you would not fathom now. When you still had your mother you often thought of the days when you would have her no longer. Now you will often think of days past when you had her. When you are used to this horrible thing that they will forever be cast into the past, then you will gently feel her revive, returning to take her place, her entire place, beside you. At the present time, this is not yet possible. Let yourself be inert, wait till the incomprehensible power ... that has broken you restores you a little, I say a little, for henceforth you will always keep something broken about you. Tell yourself this, too, for it is a kind of pleasure to know that you will never love less, that you will never be consoled, that you will constantly remember more and more.”
― Marcel Proust

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Today a wave of grief has hit me with an intensity I've not seen in weeks. So many tears shed today and as I write this the feeling of anxiety won't go away and I've thought to myself "what's the point in life now" a couple of times which just compounds the anxiety. I'm scared and my self-esteem is so low as I'm crying each day still. I just cannot believe I'll ever be ok again. It's been over a year yet it still feels so raw at times! Sorry but I could sure do with some reassurance I'm not losing it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're not losing it...or if you are, we've all lost it...but we won't tell anybody! They'd have to haul us ALL off, I'm thinking!

Sometimes we do have those "what's the point" moments, we have to hang in there for the other moments that we're doing better. Eventually, if you give yourself the chance, you will feel a moment of happiness, it wafts over and is gone just as suddenly as it came...but it's there, that's the point! I've felt it, fae's felt it, Anne's felt it, I can't tell you how long it took me to reach that point, but it did, that's what matters. It's not the same as "before", but that's okay, I've learned to appreciate the good that "is" all the same.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you Kayc. 24 hours later I'm still stressed out by it all and how I don't feel I'm coping. I'll try and relax and maybe do some meditation later this evening.

It's just like it was 6 months ago with all the anxiety but must think of the "3 steps forward and 2 back" idea.

I worry I'm getting worse but there are a couple of stressy things going on in my life (other than grief) so am probably worn out. I always was a bit stressy so I'm bound to notice it more nowadays.

Thanks once again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It always helped me to look at it that way too, that way, when we feel like we're going backwards we can realize that overall we're going forward even if at this moment it feels the opposite.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...